WHEN Night of April 14 WHERE Whitestone, in the Raven Queen temple WHAT Vax and the Raven Queen have a conversation about his future. ART CREDITHere WARNINGS None, really! Thank you for finding your inner death goddess, Jade! đź–¤
When Vax had fallen asleep, it had been wrapped around a glorious man, both of them covered in soft blankets in their warm bed--the picture of comfort.
When he woke, he was somewhere else entirely. It wasn't that familiar room of his and Shaun's, but it wasn't unfamiliar, either. He had been here before, once upon a time. Before kraken and the glimpse of what could be in Zephrah, before an archlich and his well-placed spell that left Vax in some liminal space between living and dying. This was the shrine that Percy had constructed for him in Whitestone, a place where he could worship in peace.
And there, standing before him despite that she very much should not have been able to, was the Raven Queen.
Had he not felt so utterly sure that he was dreaming, Vax might have panicked more than just the quick spike of concern that shot through him like lightning. In his time in Vallo, he had tried to reach out again and again, looking for answers and reassurance from the goddess that he called himself the champion of. Hours had been spent at the altar he had created for her, kneeling and pacing and just laying on the floor as he tried to mediate and pray, willing her into some kind of existence. It had never worked and he had come to accept it--so suddenly being here, in a space that he had determined he would never see again, was unexpected, to say the least.
Vax knew that his surprise and hesitation wouldn't have gone amiss, so he didn't even bother trying to cover it up. Instead, he just leaned in, head tipping forward in what he hoped was a respectful looking bow of greeting.
The Raven Queen was the goddess of things like death, winter, twilight, and fate. But not the rage of winter, bitter cold and biting wind and snow and ice that felt like a million daggers digging into bare skin. Nor was it the rage of death, violence, pain, burning anguish. No. The Raven Queen’s domain was…quiet. The silence of fallen snow, white above and white below. A final, exhaled breath. Darkness settling on to the land, creatures preparing for rest.
Quiet. Still. Almost peaceful, really. The shrine was austere, because the Raven Queen had never been one for ostentatiousness. Her gown was black, a black that took in all of the light and seemed to reflect it to the smooth, porcelain mask she wore, giving it a pearlescent shine. She was unmoving at first, near statue-like, though completely aware of her surroundings and Vax’s appearance. A raven’s feather landed at his feet, in the torchlight the black shimmered like an oil slick with purples and greens and blues.
The Raven Queen inclined her head in greeting. “My champion.” Her voice too, was still and placid, calm like the top of a lake but with churning, murky depths. She paused, and though the ivory mask made it difficult to tell, her brow furrowed ever so slightly. “You are afraid.” It was a statement, not a question.
Vax's immediate instinct was to deny the claim. He wasn't afraid. How could he be? Though the circumstances around how he had come into the service of the goddess were not the most ideal, once he had devoted himself to her, he had done so freely and completely. He was not one who gave his loyalties lightly, nor did he give them partially.
And yet, there was a fear there that simmered under the surface. Vax felt it whenever he tried to connect with her in Vallo. What if this was the time it worked? What if this was the time she ushered him away from the life he had built? Though Vax had done his best to focus on the present, devoting himself to Gilmore and his sisters and their friends and the lives that they were all building, it itched. He did not need the Raven Queen's permission to live, but he did not know what she could do.
"A bit," he admitted, because what was the point in lying to a deity, then straightened from his bow to look at her porcelain face. "I did not expect to see you again."
“Didn’t you?” The Raven Queen tilted her head to the side, a small movement, while the rest of her remained so very stationary. “You’ve been asking for me, Vax’ildan. I’ve heard you. The world you are in, it prevents me from responding to you, but when I can, I do.” She hadn’t been the most responsive of goddesses in Exandria either. Sometimes her messages were nothing more than the feather at Vax’s feet. There was only so much the gods could do on the material plane, after all, even for the most devout supplicant.
“Why are you afraid? Have I been unkind? Asked of you more than what you’ve promised?” She didn’t sound hostile or argumentative. Instead, she sounded–confused. It had been so long since she had had a champion, after all, and Vax was only the second one. Other gods and goddesses had mortals fighting over the chance to represent all that the pantheon stood for. Other gods and goddesses didn’t have to fight for their own immortality and ascension. Other gods and goddesses had their true names still in the books, not a title.
"No," Vax replied, with no hesitation. She hadn't been unkind, nor had she asked for more than they had agreed upon. There had been confusion, some lack of transparency early on, but once he had devoted himself to her and her cause, the goddess had been fair. More than, in some cases, as she gave him additional chances at life and stretched her capabilities to help in the fight against Vecna as far as she could.
No, she had held up her side of things--it was Vax that was concerned he hadn't done the same.
"We had made a deal, though," he started, gaze not leaving the Raven Queen. Vax had learned many things in Vallo, one of them being thow not to shy away from an emotionally fraught conversation. (Most of the time.) "I was to help my family defeat Vecna, then I would go to your side. I've wondered what my being in Vallo might have meant. I had thought perhaps I was due just... living. But I wasn't sure if you would agree."
“We had,” the Raven Queen agreed. She fell quiet then, the entire shrine fell even more quiet save for the dim white noise of the torches. How long she stayed that way, it was hard to discern, time meant so very little to the Matron of Death because she saw all. Entire civilizations rose and fell in the same time it took for a drop of dew to fall from a flower petal.
Finally, she moved. It was to take off the porcelain mask, and in actuality save for the pitch black of the eyeholes replaced with crimson irises, she didn’t look all that much different from the mask. A bit more humane. Mortal. She was that, once.
“You’ve done quite a bit, as Champion,” the Raven Queen mused. “Celebrated holidays. Built an altar. Used your gifts for my causes.” She glided across the floor, the train of her gown a puddle behind her but even the sound of fabric sweeping the ground failed to really register here. She stood in front of Vax, cupping his cheek with a hand cooled like marble.“The path of Fate is sacrosanct. That is one of my commandments. Yet I told you that you were fate-touched and could be anything. Those two statements appear to be in conflict. You have many roles, and many to follow. So tell me, Vax’ildan, can you fulfill all of those roles and your duty as Champion?”
Vax wondered, sometimes, just how many people had seen the Raven Queen's true face. It had been struck from history by the gods themselves, as had her name and everything tied to it. Surely the champion that had come before him had. Were there priests, clerics, acolytes that knew what truly laid below the mask or was Vax alone in this show of trust?
It hardly mattered in the moment, aside from that connection and trust that the two had forged. Vax let his head tip just so, pressing into the goddess's cool touch--it very much reminded him of his own, now. Her words settled around him, reminding him of every conversation he'd had since the last round of memories that he'd received from his previous life. He could have both, he knew this. He could be a Champion of the Raven Queen, using the gifts and skills he had because of her to protect those he loved and the world he now lived in. He could also be Vax, partner, brother, friend, and someday father and husband. They were not, he had come to understand, mutually exclusive.
"Yes." He was sure, decisive. It was easy to be, when it was such a simple conclusion to come to. "I have been already, I think."
The Raven Queen was not prone to softness or tenderness. Time had hardened her heart out of necessity, for although death was an inevitable end for all, it was still difficult to see played out. Those cut down in the prime of their lives, those who died from an unjust reason, those who died alone and afraid, family members who begged and pleaded for their loved ones–Vax’s own family and friends had done just that, in fact. And the Raven Queen, although she empathized, could not be moved to change her mind. Death was her domain. It was not an easy one, she was not a goddess that was openly worshiped. There had to be death, however, and there had to be someone to oversee that. If she made allowances, it would be turning her back on everything.
This was not that. There was a Vax’ildan somewhere who had already fulfilled his deal, who would live out eternity as Champion, until another won their place. Perhaps it was a loophole, but. Perhaps Vax’ildan had earned one.
She pressed her lips to his forehead. “Then live,” she said, simply. “I will not do what it is you fear most.” The Raven Queen’s gaze went distant then, the ruby irises warming ever so slightly. “I would be a part of this, Vax’ildan. This life you have and will have.” It was not a request, for the Raven Queen did not make requests–but nor was it a command. It was a third option, something wistful.
The words brought a sense of relief and comfort, the feelings washing over Vax. He took a breath and it very much felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest that he hadn't even realized was there. When he had decided to take steps forward with Shaun, to build a life for himself in Vallo, he had done so under the assumption that he was making his own path, link to his goddess be damned. Behind that confidence, though, had always been a little concern of what if.
But the Raven Queen had never lied to him. She wasn't lying to him now, Vax was sure of it. And it felt very good to feel that concern evaporate.
Vax looked up to her, meeting her eyes. He smiled, small yet genuine. "All right." Then, because he had never been dishonest with her either, he admitted, "I don't know if I'd really want it any other way, you know."
“It was different, with Purvain,” the Raven Queen murmured, once again with that bit of wistfulness. “He was the first. I knew of no other way.” He too had lost his name, known only as the Champion of the Raven Queen. Buried with armor awaiting the next champion. It had been so long, and the Raven Queen was–not lonely, but she had long ago accepted that death was something feared. Perhaps that was why she had acted as she had, overthrown a god that everyone was afraid of because she wanted them to fear her in response.
There could be a new way. She had never been a traditional goddess.
“What would you ask now, of the time I have left?” Here, at least, in this dreamspace. When Vax returned to Vallo there was only so much the Raven Queen could do, the magics of it were too much even for her reach. And she couldn’t devote herself to one time and place, anyway, death waited for no one.
Now that was a good question. Vax considered, thinking of all of the many, many questions that he'd had for the Raven Queen over the two years that he had been separated from her. So many of the questions had remained unanswered by her and he had needed to forge an answer himself, oftentimes with the help of his loved ones, so he wouldn't dwell. Some of them had been answered with new memories. But despite that some still remained without answer, he found himself at a thorough peace that he hadn't felt in a very long time.
Vax was on his own path now, he knew this. There had been room for him to live his life in Exandria despite being tied to the Raven Queen and knowing that wherever he went, he would always be her champion. This felt different than that ever did, however. This was a journey where he was still her champion, but he felt, for the first time in perhaps his entire life, that he had choices looming ahead of him. That would have terrified him, not too long ago. Now? There was some of that terror, sure, but alongside that was a sense of freedom and it felt good.
"I don't know how much time we have," Vax admitted. He didn't even really know what this was, this dream that also felt incredibly real. "Just sit with me?" A strange request to make of a goddess, but Vax's relationship with the Raven Queen had never been a traditional one of follower and deity. Why become traditional now?