WHAT: Carol has a bad reaction to a Vallo gift because guilt and regrets, and the girls talk out all the anxieties that come with it. WHERE: Their Morningside apartment WHEN: This morning WARNINGS: Just some sad, nothing extreme STATUS: Complete
Carol woke to a bittersweet ache in her chest, her heart clenching painfully for a drawn out moment. Watching Maria go again felt like a punch to the gut. She had been right there, next to her, laughing with her. They’d dwindled time away working on that damn old plane, chattering away like nothing had changed. For a while, it felt like nothing had changed, and seeing Maria like she’d one been — happy and healthy and cancer-free — had given Carol a very false sense of hope.
She sighed, rubbing her face with her hands and measuring her breaths. No matter how vivid and real it had been, she knew going in that it was a dream. She’d been through three nights of this, sucked in by whatever magical nonsense Vallo had conjured to give them these little jaunts home. It may not have been real as in actually home, actually Louisiana in her little corner of the multiverse. But it was real, sticking in her head more like a memory than her usual splotchy dreams, and she was feeling all of those feelings just as intensely.
Every one of her dream visits had stirred up feelings she’d struggled to put behind her — she’d spent most of yesterday racking her brain, quiet and lost in thought over what more she could have said to Monica to make it better. Her visit with Maria was equally emotional but infinitely less painful, filled with familiarity and reassurances and understanding she wasn’t sure she deserved. But that had always been her way; she and Carol were cut from the same cloth, supporting everyone else in their life, sometimes to their own detriment.
And so was Emme. Yet another reason they were such a perfect match.
Carol turned her head to look at the woman beside her, a small smile curling her lips. She really had lucked out in the love department, both times. Waking up like this, next to her unexpected girl in an unexpected world, was a little bit of the balm her raw feelings needed. She turned onto her side to scoot closer and wrap an arm around her girlfriend’s waist, pressing a kiss to the back of her shoulder, then a few more into the curve of her neck.
“I’m gonna go get breakfast started, baby,” she murmured, one final kiss landing just beneath Emme’s ear. “You rest and I’ll come get you when I’ve got your tea ready.”
Ten minutes later, she’d put on a t-shirt and shorts, brushed her hair, her teeth, and fed the two cats swarming her ankles and vocalizing their woes. She gave them each a few scritches while they feasted before heading into the kitchen to get everything together for the humans’ breakfast. She had taken on most of the kitchen responsibilities pretty early on in their relationship. Emme tried her best but was no aspiring MasterChef. Thankfully, Carol enjoyed cooking — she had time these days to practice and expand her very small repertoire.
She saw it when she grabbed the kettle off the stove to fill it up with water. A photo she hadn’t seen in ages was lying on the counter in front of the toaster, all straight edges perfectly aligned with the counter, looking as if it had been carefully placed there for her to find. The surprise combined with the swell of emotions that rose up and brought that tightness into her chest again was enough to snap the handle of the kettle in her grip.
She shook it out of her hand, oblivious to the loud bang it made when it collided with the metal of the stove, and scooped up the picture instead. One finger traced along the crease across the middle, and — fuck, yep, there go the tears.
Waking up to her snuggling girlfriend kissing her was one of Emmeline’s favorite things. To be fair, most things Carol did would be considered Emme’s favorite things. She smiled and murmured a sleepy acknowledgement as she felt Carol get out of the bed. She let herself bask in the morning sunlight and the warm bed for a few minutes, but by the time she could hear the cats demanding their food, she was up and pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top.
She was in the middle of washing her face when she heard the loud clatter of something falling in the kitchen. When she didn’t immediately hear any response from Carol, Emme became slightly concerned. An accident or the cats knocking something over, would usually result in Carol swearing, laughing, or yelling. Or some combination of all three. The silence worried her.
Emme quickly shut off the water and dried her face before she scurried out to the kitchen. “Carol? What was th-”
Her words cut off as she swung around the corner and took in the scene before her. The broken kettle sideways on the stove, Nyx angrily hiding under the table from the noise, Goose happily eating both their breakfasts in her absence, and Carol holding a photograph and crying.
“Carol, love, what is it?” She quickly closed the distance between them and wrapped a comforting arm around Carol’s shoulders.
Carol really thought she had the tears under control. She’d felt them coming on, but she tried to tell herself she was being ridiculous and get ahold of herself. She even managed to set the picture back where she’d found it and just turn away, staring down at her feet and taking a deep breath. But yeah, tears were falling and despite her attempts to vigorously wipe them away with the back of her arm, it made very little difference.
That photo should be no big deal. This was her family, not some terrible curse. But those dreams had brought up insecurities and regrets and guilt that she’d mostly repressed. Even Maria’s reassurances, still so vivid in her mind, weren’t enough to ease those feelings away. She’d messed up. She knew she’d messed up. Being taken by the Kree hadn’t been her fault, but being consumed in becoming the savior of the galaxies when she had the chance to go back home — that was entirely her own decision.
It was the responsible choice, she knew that. The one she had to make because there were so many worlds out there that needed help, and she had the power to help them. But it didn’t make letting down the people she loved feel any easier. Not for her and definitely not for them.
“I’m okay,” she sighed, slipping her arm around Emme’s waist and pulling her in closer. She pressed a kiss to her temple and just held her close for a long moment. “I just — those dreams have been getting to me and then…” She gestured vaguely behind her, to the photo now tossed much more haphazardly on the counter. Her eyes fell on the bent-and-broken kettle and she grimaced at the sight. “Maybe I’ll order in for us today, if you don’t mind.”
Emme squeezed Carol’s shoulders comfortingly, and tucked her head into the crook of her neck. She dropped her eyes down to the photograph on the countertop and the pieces clicked into place for her. She turned and pulled her girlfriend in for a full, actual hug, holding onto her tightly. “Of course. Why don’t you let me handle that and the cleanup? Do you want to talk about it?”
Carol wished she could hug Emme at her full strength, but she gave her a good, tight squeeze as hard as she knew her delicate human girl could take. She always felt better with Emme around, like maybe she was growing and not as bad as those darker thought paths told her. She didn’t dwell in those patches too much these days. She had a good life in Vallo, the closest to normal she’d had in nearly thirty years, and she wanted to stay in this life, revel in it. But these dreams, while they had certainly been something nice and enjoyable, had also stirred all of those old feelings.
“There’s not much to talk about,” she admitted, reluctantly letting Emme out of her arms. There wouldn’t be a lot of cleanup necessary — just a kettle to be trashed, and she’d pick up a new one later. She caught a glimpse of Nyx finally starting to creep out from beneath the table to reclaim her food, apparently satisfied that everything was calm now. “I was a shitty excuse for a partner and a mom, and…”
Maybe I will be again.
She shrugged, reaching up to grab more cat food out of the cabinet for Nyx; Goose had already inhaled basically everything. “There’s nothing I can do about it now.”
Emme watched Carol carefully, attentive to every gesture and expression. It pained her to hear her girlfriend speak about herself that way. She knew Maria and Monica would always be a bit of a sore spot and she wished there was more she could do about it. Unfortunately, as she knew all too well, some of those sore spots would never really go away, no matter how much time had passed.
As Carol moved to get Nyx some more food, Emme collected the broken kettle and studied it. Had the damage been slightly smaller, she may have attempted to mend it via magic, but it seemed to be beyond repair. She tossed it into their trash can with a sigh.
“You weren’t, and I will correct you every single time you say so. No matter how long it takes to sink in. You made the unimaginable decision to sacrifice your own happiness for the safety of others.” She picked the picture up gently and moved to close this distance between them again. “You were put in an impossible situation, love. You made the best choice that you could, given the circumstances.”
Carol nodded, arms crossed over her chest, eyes flicking over to Goose again, lurking while Nyx tried to settle in and eat. She sent a little blast her way — small, just a tiny burst of energy that wouldn’t burn or leave a mark — and the Flerken let out a disgruntled meow and scurried toward the bedroom. Spoiled animal; what a bully. Now that it was springtime and the cold had passed, she’d been venturing out more again. Maybe she’d go torture Stephen and Wanda and beg for food there later.
She returned her attention fully to Emme and the picture held in her hands. She pulled out a chair at their little round kitchen table and pushed out the one beside her so Emme could join her. “I know,” she said at last. “It would have been more irresponsible to let my power go to waste when there are so many people out there that need help, but…I missed so much. I didn’t visit when I could have or keep up the way I should have.”
This was more about Monica than Maria. She and Maria had made the choice together that they weren’t going to prolong the heartache by trying to pull off an outer space-Earth long distance relationship. It wasn’t realistic, and it was painful for them. They had been on good terms even with all their time apart, but Monica was just a kid, growing up knowing her other parent, her ‘Auntie Carol’, was out there and couldn’t spare any time for her. She knew firsthand what it was like to have a shitty parent, and she hated that she had become that for her kid.
“I won’t let it happen again, though,” she continued, her voice and expression equally determined. “I promise I won’t, not with you and Marley.” She was terrified that she would, in fact, let it happen again, but this was Vallo. The atmosphere was, for some reason, unbreakable, and she hadn’t proven to be the exception. She couldn’t get preoccupied saving galaxies when she couldn’t reach them.
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Emme said slowly as she lowered herself into the chair. “But wouldn’t spending time visiting them have put both of them in more danger?” It was no secret that Carol was good at making powerful enemies. Emme knew the last people in the world she’d want to potentially endanger were her Rambeau girls. She reached over and gently placed the picture face up on the table. Then she reached over and took Carol’s hand in hers.
“I know you won’t. Have you been worried that’s what will happen again?” It made sense, now that she’d taken the time to think about it, and Emme was a bit frustrated at herself for not putting the pieces together soon.
Carol’s eyes lowered to the picture Emme laid out on the table again, and…it hurt a bit less to see it this time. When she first saw it, the whole thing had been a shock to the system — a lot to take in after she’d spent a day brooding over Monica, and what felt like another entire day in that dream with Maria, getting to be together and at peace, like the old days. Getting to live out this tiny little moment in a life she almost had, should have had.
She should have gotten twenty-odd Christmases like this, embarrassing the hell out of Monica into her teenage years, harassing whatever significant others she brought home. She should have been there for her high school graduation, college graduation, her first day at S.W.O.R.D., cheering obnoxiously at every one. But she hadn’t been — she’d been in space.
And Emme was right, something she acknowledged with a slight nod of her head. After a while, no matter how much she wanted to come home, her visits had to be sparse. She had forged alliances, ended wars, had her hands in treaties between planets in galaxies most Terrans wouldn’t even have dreamed existed. But that meant she had leagues of people against her, too, and she’d earned herself some powerful enemies. Bringing them to Earth, to the people she loved? She wouldn’t do it. There was enough alien drama there as it was (thanks, Loki) without her contribution.
She lifted her eyes back to Emme’s and nodded again. “Yeah. It’s been on my mind. After seeing Monica…I know she understands I was doing what needed to be done, but I hurt her so bad, too, Em. I don’t want to hurt Marley like that, too. Or you, especially you.”
“Oh, love.” She could feel her heart breaking a little at the expression on Carol’s face. She wrapped her other hand around Carol’s, enveloping her hand with both of hers. She squeezed with a firm, hopefully reassuring, pressure.
“This place is so much different than how things were for you back home. You can be part of a team, we both can. We can help make this world a better place and still be home for dinner and movie nights. I know you never want to let anyone down, and I can only imagine how much some things still hurt for you, but you and me and Marley? We’re going to be okay. I promise. You don’t have to sacrifice your happiness for everyone else this time around.”
Carol wasn’t usually one to get sad. A little dark, moody, broody at times, sure. This was more than that. She’d known she’d let her kid down, but facing it, even in a real-but-not-real dreamscape situation? It wasn’t easy, and yeah, she felt sad, knowing all that she’d missed, no matter how good her reasons. And it scared her to think she could do it all over again. She liked to think she wouldn’t — Vallo was an entirely different situation, and she’d learned, gotten better.
She squeezed Emme’s hands, watching her as she spoke, soaking in every word. It helped, bolstered her confidence again. She was right, again, neither of them had to be on their own here. There were scores of people (Outlanders and locals alike, not just Avengers) willing to help out and keep Vallo safe as best as they could. And when it was all over, she got to come home to this gorgeous woman she’d fallen in love with and be happy. She couldn’t fix what had happened in the past, but like she and Maria had discussed — it was okay to move forward.
She brought their joined hands up to her lips, pressing kisses to her girlfriend’s knuckles. “How’d you get so wise, huh? And so pretty?” She grinned, the sadness fading from her expression as she looped an ankle around the leg of Emme’s chair to drag her closer. “I lucked out, big time.”
Emme mirrored Carol’s smile as she felt her chair being tugged closer. It was perfectly understandable and fine by her if Carol needed to be sad. She’d been through so much and had a lot to carry with her. At the same time, it filled her with unfettered joy to see that grin of hers. That’s what their relationship was supposed to be, and something she’d finally learned after letting her own walls down again. There would be sad times, and there would be happy times, but what mattered is that they faced everything together.
“We both did.” She leaned forward and kissed Carol over the table. When she pulled back, she locked eyes with her. “Thank you for letting me in. I know we both have a lot of heartache and barriers up, but I love you in all your moments. Happy and sad and angry and everything.”
“Back at you.” Carol leaned in for another kiss, letting this one linger just a moment longer than the first. “I love you.” She’d be sad again, she was sure; it was one of those inevitabilities in life, and she needed to stop stamping those feelings down. None of it had vanished for good, and after decades of seeing some shit and having regrets, it was going to take a while to heal. But she was feeling okay right now, and that was in large part because Emme was so sweet and understanding.
“What about you?” she questioned, brushing a lock of Emme’s dark hair back behind her ear. “I got all moody and broody yesterday and didn’t ask you about your dreams. Have you gotten to see anyone from home?” Emme had been there when she saw Talos — which she was glad for; Space Dad’s approval meant more to her than she’d admit — but she had been on her own ever since.
“No,” Emme shook her head a bit sadly. The only dream she’d experienced thus far had been visiting Carol’s dream with Talos. Despite all the emotions she knew it would bring up for her, she desperately wanted to see Marlene, Lily, and James again. The Prewett brothers, the Longbottoms. Her parents. Hell, she’d even love to sit down for some proper dream-tea with Minerva. It didn’t seem to be in the cards for her at the moment, however. She’d make her peace with it. It was just the way Vallo worked, and she had far more things to be grateful for than not. “But I promise if I do, you’ll be the first to hear about it.”
Her eyes flicked down to the picture once more. It was such a lovely moment, and despite the disruption it had caused this morning, Emme was glad that Vallo had seen fit to send it to Carol. “What say we find someplace special for that, hm?” She gave Carol’s hand another squeeze. “Then we can see about ordering that breakfast.”
Carol felt a little pang of sadness on Emme’s behalf that she hadn’t been able to see the people she loved in her dreams. She’d lost so many, and she hoped whatever Vallo magic was doing this for them would give her a chance to see them. She had some of her people here, of course — Sirius, Fred, George, Hannah — but Carol knew there had been more during her early days in Vallo that had dwindled away. Maybe a few dreams would give her a little closure.
She nodded, agreeing to Emme’s suggestion easily. “Yeah, that sounds good.” The old photo was a good gift, even if it hadn’t landed well when she’d first seen it. She scooped it back up to look at it again; it was old, already a little bent out of shape from years in imperfect storage at the Louisiana house. Her girls deserved something better — a frame, maybe a spot mounted on the wall where the cats wouldn’t knock it down when they got into bouts of zoomies or turned into daredevil whirlwinds.
“And I’ll run out to get a new kettle today, too,” she promised with an apologetic smile that quickly turned playful. “I wouldn’t dare deprive you of your afternoon tea.”