WHO: Marina & Eleanor WHEN: Saturday, April 9 WHERE: The lobby of Morningside and then Marina’s penthouse WHAT: Way too many emotions TRIGGERS: Marina is Marina and there are a lot of emotions and also emotion suppression bottle situations, idk
Marina knew the bottle was probably a bad idea and she felt like she was hungover every time she used it, wanting nothing more than to be incredibly drunk immediately after. The thing of it was that she didn’t have any anger left to cling to. It was all sadness and she couldn’t handle the way her mind was, so she turned it down during the times she was at work. She was tired of pathetically missing Eleanor because of her being gone and then coming back and her inability to let her back into her life. She was also tired of the constant reminders from her brain that she’d traveled an entire Timeline for someone once because she loved them. But losing Eleanor was the worst thing she’d felt in such a long time, that feeling it again felt like dying. So she’d chosen to avoid it. Only that felt even worse somehow. So she’d chosen something that would help her deal…briefly. She knew it wouldn’t exactly change things and that it wouldn’t help in the long run, but she needed to focus and be able to work so she could avoid things further.
Today, she wasn’t working, but she’d still gone in to make sure that everything was set up and to order a few things to come in before they opened that night. She didn’t want anyone to run out of alcohol in the middle of something. She had emergency magic in place just in case, but it was one of those things. She preferred to actually give the locals money for their wares so she did her best not to use those failsafes.
She still had the necklace on, the bright pink liquid in the bottle was pretty and she knew most people around didn’t know what it meant. People usually just complimented her and she’d thank them and carry on with it. Once she was done, she made her way to The Pixie to get coffee and a lunchtime breakfast burrito. She checked the time, frowning slightly. She was over the recommended three hours. She hadn’t meant to go over today. At least she’d had the sense to lock up her phone every time she did this. It was for the best.
She stepped through the door into Morningside, taking a sip of coffee as she waited for the elevators. When they opened, she blinked once. “Oh. Eleanor. I didn’t realize you’d be here.”
The last few days had been a whirlwind of people and places, and Eleanor had made no plans for Saturday, sleeping in late and lazily getting dressed before heading out to get her own coffee. But even that changed when the elevator doors opened to reveal a waiting Marina, pink bottle hanging from around her neck. She recognized it but couldn't immediately place it, thrown off by the appearance of the one woman she'd hoped to see.
And somehow, Marina reacted uncharacteristically to the run-in, unlike the greeting Eleanor had received a few days back. "Guess I'm going back up," she said, stepping back to let Marina into the elevator, her eyes drifting to the bottle again.
Marina stepped onto the elevator. All of the intense emotions behind it weren’t there and she found herself feeling easy. She checked the time again before turning her attention back to Eleanor. “Are you just riding the elevator?” Because it seemed like she had something that she was doing before. “Or was that just a ploy to get away from me?” Though, she had stepped out of the way to let her on. It was possible she just wanted to spend time with her.
Marina studied her for a moment, letting out a slow breath. “You look tired. Have you been sleeping enough?”
Okay, no. This was not normal Marina. This was weird, even for her. Even for her when she was trying to pretend everything was fine. There was no hint of heat behind her words, no sarcasm.
And that's when the bottle clicked into place. Ignoring Marina's question, Eleanor instead stated, "You've bottled your emotions." Not as a question though her next thought was. "How long has it been?"
She remembered that episode, where Alice had been the most tolerable that Eleanor had seen her until she'd drank the emotions back. What was the limit? Three hours? That sounded right.
Marina glanced down at the bottle around her neck. “Yes.” She didn’t lie about it because there was no real point in lying about it. Emotionally speaking, she didn’t feel the point of it. She checked her watch again. “Three hours and…” She paused. “Forty minutes.” It was definitely worth it, but she knew it was going to be exhausting to deal with the aftermath. “I’m on my way back to the apartment.”
There was a quick shrug as she waited for the elevator to reach her floor before stepping out of the elevator. “I’ll be fine,” she said as she made her way toward her elevator. She was probably going to have put her food in the fridge because she wouldn’t be able to eat the moment that she drank her emotions. That being said, she quickly finished her coffee. Better to have nothing left because cold coffee just wasn’t very good.
"Yeah, hot stuff, I'm going with you," Eleanor said, following Marina out of the elevator. Forty minutes over sounded dangerous, especially for someone who didn't deal with her emotions under normal circumstances, which seemed like why she'd be using a bottling spell to begin with.
"Okay?"
Marina could objectively see how that would probably be a bad idea, but she shrugged. “I don’t think you’ll want to be there. I’ve gone past three hours before. It’s never good.” But she took down her wards before opening the door and slipping inside, making a point to make adjustments as she did. She still had wards set up to keep Eleanor out from before. She’d just guessed she would come back and forget if she did. And then she’d been a mess, so she didn’t take them down because she hadn’t meant to let her back in.
She put her food in the fridge without much reaction before walking back towards Eleanor and the couch. Usually she went to her room, but no one was home at the moment. “Can you get one of the bottles off the shelf? I’ll probably want a drink once everything is back.” With that said, she popped the cork from the bottle to drink her emotions and promptly collapsed onto the couch. It felt like being hit with a ton of bricks, but those bricks were just all of the negative emotions you felt along with every other emotion that you hadn’t felt that day. It was also then when she realized just exactly what she’d done. This was the worst thing that she’d ever allowed to happen.
“Just let me die here.”
Eleanor did get a bottle because she wasn't a monster, but she set it down on the coffee table before joining Marina on the couch. "That's not an option," she said quietly, reaching for the other woman. Sure, Marina wasn't big on hugs, but Eleanor was willing to risk it now upon seeing her overwhelmed with emotions. She embraced her, saying, "I'm here."
She was. Now. It was fairly obvious that her absence and reappearance had led to this moment now, and now she wondered how long Marina had been using the bottles. It sounded absolutely exhausting.
Marina felt like every inch of her skin was on fire, but she was aware it wasn’t. It just was this overwhelming feeling of emotion and she couldn’t even reel it in or pretend she wasn’t having any. She couldn’t stop herself from crying and she was pretty sure she hadn’t cried as much since existing in this world as she did since Eleanor left (not that she let anyone know that). But Eleanor was there and she could feel her arms wrapping around her and everything felt both worse and better at the same time. “S-s-stop…” She took in a shaky breath, just feeling stupid now. Dumb tears, dumb emotions. She hated it. “I don’t n-need to be…” Whatever she was going to say turned into a sob and despite her better judgment, she moved in closer.
She fought against every urge to talk in that moment because she wanted to tell Eleanor everything but she couldn’t let herself do that either. Because going through this again? Being vulnerable? She hated the idea of it because it was stupid and terrible and she felt like she had more than enough data to say that she was never going to be allowed to be happy and it seemed dumb to believe otherwise. At the same time, Marina had a sinking feeling in her stomach. “I wanted to cross timelines to find you and I couldn’t and you left and I hated it so much. I’m so tired, Eleanor. I can’t…I just…how can I pretend we’re traveling together if I’m here and you’re not?”
Whatever protests Marina tried to muster fell flat and when she leaned in, Eleanor tightened her hold, trying to prove her existence in that moment. Eleanor's heart felt like it was breaking at the pain in Marina's voice but lifting with every word she spoke. Because in Marina's raw confessions, she was saying what Eleanor had longed to hear before, even if not directly.
"I didn't want to leave you," she said quietly. "I want to stay here with you. I want to travel with you if that's the future we can have together. And even though I knew you were likely to try and shut me out, you were the first person I sought when I found myself back here. And trust me, hot stuff," she said, going for something lighter amidst the weight of emotions they both found themselves enveloped in, "I really, really wish I could have dragged you to Disney." She hadn't fully come to terms with the loss she'd felt upon arriving back in Vallo, but having a life here before had made it far easier to readjust, and even with Marina trying to shut her out, Eleanor had been willing to wait for her to come around.
She protested hugs all the time, but she never wanted to admit to needing anything or anyone, much less affection. But she wasn’t really in her usual state of mind. She resisted the urge enough to keep from clinging to the front of Eleanor’s shirt. She felt entirely depressed. It was nothing terribly surprising given her choices and the amount of time. “I hate…everything.” She sniffled, squirming enough to wipe at her eyes, which was in vain because she started crying again the minute that Eleanor spoke.
“But you did and you could again and then I just…keep doing this over and over.” And maybe she would come back and forget who she was. Maybe she’d forget entire things. Maybe she’d come back, but from some future where she was older and they weren’t together because Marina had been without her for so long that her arrival only felt like a vague inclination of knowing someone. Or she’d show up with Chidi or some other soulmate and forget her. It took more effort in that moment not to grab onto Eleanor’s shirt.
All of the things Eleanor said just caused a mixture of feelings that were colored deeply with guilt at just shutting her out and leaving her without any inclination that she cared and she hated that she cared so much. Everything was so muddled and overwhelming that part of her felt like her brain would shut down.
“Disney’s probably overrated and stupid.” Coming from the girl with the secret love of Disney movies. They were all ones from when she was an adult. She didn’t know any of the earlier ones really, but the newer ones, she knew. She pushed back, rubbing at her eyes and reaching for the bottle, not even bothering with a glass. She just drank out of the bottle. “I would have fought the mouse.”
"Yeah, how about no more bottling your emotions up?" Eleanor said, leaning back as Marina created some distance and reached for a different sort of bottle. "I could leave again," she admitted. "Or you could disappear, and I'd probably wish I knew magic so I could do this same damn spell. But what's worse, Marina? Being happy and then miserable because you had something and it ended? Or just staying miserable all the time, knowing you have a chance to be happy but it could end? Cause I'm going to say the last one is way worse."
She had to smirk at the idea of Marina fighting Mickey though. "Yeah, I know you love Disney movies, hot stuff. I still need to introduce you to some of the ones you missed." Because if Marina thought that they could make it this far and then split up again, she was going to have to face the stubbornness of one Eleanor Shellstrop. And since she highly suspected Marina didn't really want to fight her on it anyway, she felt her chances were pretty good of winning this one.
Marina pulled a face. It made her want to bottle her emotions all over again, but she wouldn’t. It wasn’t worth all the after-effect shit. This was the dumbest feeling ever. Feelings intensified. She hated them even more now. She drank more than probably necessary, but she didn’t really care. “The universe clearly prefers us miserable,” she said softly, wanting to melt off the couch at that moment. It sounded so ridiculous. She needed to lean back into her lies again and just stop expressing it all. “Well, not you. I mean…from home.” That didn’t mean she wanted to be miserable.
“You know nothing,” she muttered. “I could fight all the princesses and I would.” Which wasn’t true. She hadn’t spoken to her yet, but she was acutely aware of the fact that Princess Elsa was around and she was just casually never going to speak to her so no one would assume she was excited about it. Marina frowned slightly. “How can you even get better than Frozen 2?” She guessed someone would probably manage it. There were probably new ones, but she hadn’t watched anything newer than 2019. But she didn’t know what to do now. She’d just cried in front of Eleanor when she was prepared to never speak to her again despite everyone’s general frustration.
She took another drink before moving to lie down, putting her head in Eleanor’s lap. “You’re still stupid,” she said softly. And she was going to keep drinking.
"I don't know, it brought me back here," Eleanor pointed out. "Maybe it's finally tired of seeing you miserable." She could hope, at least. Because like when she'd wished that Marina would have gone to Disney with Kenzi, she wanted to see that woman happy.
She grinned at the idea of Marina fighting the Disney princesses, knowing full well she was lying. "I'm not sure you can beat Frozen 2, but we'll find out?" she asked, taking the bottle from Marina as she moved, stealing a drink for herself before setting it out of her girlfriend's reach. "Okay," she added easily in response to the apparent insult, running her fingers gently through Marina's hair. "But I still love you."
“I don’t think so. It’s probably just plotting more misery.” Because that sounded more likely than the universe ever letting her be happy. It never let her be happy before, so why would it do that now?
“Hey!” She moved to look up at Eleanor. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t put the alcohol out of reach. That is impolite and unloving.” But she was still not sure what to do when someone said they loved her. Hearing it wasn’t something she felt she’d ever fully be used to. She also didn’t really know how to say it. Even just being here right now. It was probably bound to be one of those things she eventually got to. She hoped her usual ways of expressing emotions would do for now.
"Yep, that's me. Rude and unloving and not wanting you to feel worse later than you do now. Besides, you've got this," she added, encouragingly. It was unfortunate that this was probably the most emotionally honest conversation they'd had and only brought on by magic, but it had been honest. And maybe the worst was over now.
But Marina didn't need to echo Eleanor's words. Eleanor had already heard them indirectly and that was more than enough for now, especially when things had been so up in the air after she'd returned.
Marina narrowed her eyes. “You do not even know how this feels right now.” She was still overwhelmed by the emotions, but her instincts had kicked in and she didn’t feel like crying immediately. It was like her brain was aware she’d shown too much. “I’m already going to be hungover, you might as well let me be normal hungover.” She didn’t think she had this. Not the way that she felt right now. But she didn’t want to say anything.
Still, she just moved slightly to make herself more comfortable. She hadn’t really ever realized how much she liked it when someone played with her hair. It was such a stupid thing, people touching. She sighed, moving her hand to rest on Eleanor’s leg. “If you leave me again, I’ll never forgive you.”
"You're right, I don't," Eleanor agreed, though she wasn't reaching for the bottle anytime soon. Instead she kept running her fingers through Marina's hair, trying to soothe her. She frowned at the threat, though, believing it could easily be true.
"How about we focus on what's actually happening, rather than what could happen?" she asked quietly.
Marina let her eyes close. She was trying to focus on the present, but it was hard to forget the reason that she was here in this situation. She’d missed Eleanor and she hated the feeling of being so lost and it just kept building up. She frowned a little at how broken she felt in that moment and how sad. She had a feeling this meant, despite everything, she loved Eleanor.
She sighed. “I feel like I’m dying is what I am focusing on,” was what she said instead of talking about her feelings. She regretted not having a cup to make alcohol appear in magically. She stayed quiet for a long moment before. “Don’t tell anyone about this, though. I don’t need them knowing I experienced emotions.” She peered up at Eleanor before sitting up, fully intending to grab the bottle of alcohol again. “Just like…one more drink, okay?”
As Marina sat up, Eleanor relented and reached for the bottle before handing it over. "Your secrets are always safe with me, hot stuff. Even if all of your friends know this already."
She sighed, leaning into Marina temporarily, nudging her before pulling back. "I mean, I heard you and Laurence watched Real Housewives of Atlanta. You didn't even break him in with New York."
Marina smiled as she took the bottle, glad that she wasn’t going to have to exist in those feelings with too much sobriety. “They know nothing. They can’t even spot feelings if they wanted to.” She fought against the urge to insist they weren’t friends since it was just something they said to get her to angrily insist otherwise. At least she was sure that’s why they did it. Plus, she was too tired to argue about having friends today.
“He deserved it for trying to check in on me like I was sad and needed friends or something.” She made a face before taking a drink from the bottle and moving to settle against Eleanor. “And I didn’t want to watch New York cause we watched New York. And the other ones seemed dumb. Maybe I should have gone with New Jersey or made him watch Jersey Shore.”
"Remind me to thank him for that," Eleanor said, not remembering if she had already or not, shifting as Marina settled in against her to allow both of them to be more comfortable. "But damn, hot stuff. I wouldn't wish Jersey Shore on my worst enemy, much less on someone who cares about me."
She fell silent for a moment, relieved that their chance meeting in the elevator had led them to this point, and that she'd been there for Marina as she was forced to deal with an onslaught of emotion, even if it was her own doing. Maybe especially because it was her own doing, because Eleanor knew she was part of it.
"How are you feeling now?" she asked softly.
Marina rolled her eyes. “Don’t thank him. It was dumb.” She nearly laughed at the comment about Jersey Shore. “It would teach him never to try to check on me again,” she said, smiling just slightly. “And that is what I am looking to dissuade people from. Also I turned it into a drinking game and I’m pretty sure I won.”
She looked over, expression sober. “Glad I wore waterproof mascara.” It wasn’t the entirety of it, but she was glad for that. She needed to look like she could cut someone, not like she’d just cried. “And like I’ve been hit by a vehicle. It was three hours and forty minutes of emotions all at once.”
Eleanor just shook her head. "You do realize it's a good thing that people care how you're doing, right? And of course you won. I can't imagine Laurence ever drinking too heavily. Something about honor and duty and all of that…"
Three hours and forty minutes of emotions when she hadn't attempted to deal with any of them had to be worse than normal. And for Marina, who seemed to believe she could will herself immune to them, it had to have hit harder.
"Well, we could watch New York now? Or Vallo. I had to have missed at least two episodes. Something else mindless?" It was an offering of sorts, one that acknowledged Marina had shown herself more vulnerable than ever before, something Eleanor recognized and did not want to take advantage of. And maybe a step toward normalcy between them as well.
Marina made a face. “No, it’s not. Cause then people think you need them to make sure you’re okay and I do not.” She was back to being able to lie at least. Not that she felt like she needed for people to check in on her, but she didn’t entirely hate it. Probably because she was punishing people for it, though.
“You definitely need to catch up on Vallo. I’m surprised you haven’t yet.” She was grateful that Eleanor was giving her what appeared to be an out so she didn’t have to keep talking about her emotions or how she was feeling. “I might have sabotaged something. In my frustration, so it was pretty hilarious to watch after the fact.”
"It's a good thing I didn't yet," Eleanor pointed out. "Am I going to know it when I see it?" Knowing Marina, she would. She reached for the bottle, thinking they could at least share it while watching this ridiculous show.
And maybe she could trick herself into believing that things were alright, after all.