WHERE Pond @ The Barns WHEN April 3rd, Evening. WHAT The guys talking post-trailer, dealing with memories from that time. STATUS Complete! WARNINGS Delving into some feelings and history of child abuse, bad parenting.
But the burden of the trailer was already receding, leaving Adam both exhausted and relieved. He had made a decision in the heat of the moment, and usually regret followed. This time was different. He couldn't seem to work through the rationale to feel bad about curling his magician's claws around the source of a lot of his hurt, emotional and physical.
His remorse stemmed from the floodgate he had opened by destroying it—unresolved conversations, long overdue apologies, and simply not giving a heads up to Gansey when he let Cabeswater go, more or less, feral.
After dinner, a quiet affair, Adam had walked out the back porch, barefoot, with the intention of thanking Cabeswater. But he didn't make it that far, stopped somewhere halfway, at the edge of the pond. He had dug the origins of this body of water, smaller, muddier, barely suitable for swimming. Now it was quiet and buzzing with the beginnings of insects and reviving wildlife as the nights grew warmer. Still not suitable for swimming, yet.
Adam needed time to—well, not think. He had done enough of that, but just be alone to recalibrate. His emotions were messy and tangled, new and uncharted. He picked up a few stones at the shore and skipped them across the surface. Skip, throw, skip, throw. Pick up more.
Awareness hummed down his spine, someone was coming. Holding out a handful of smooth rocks as an invitation, Adam turned his head over his shoulder to see Gansey. "Best two out of three?"
“I know better than to challenge you to any kind of competition,” It always meant he would lose. But Gansey took the stones anyway, not wanting to say no. It had been a jarring day from his end, not even knowing something was happening to suddenly feeling that burst from Cabeswater exploding through every nerve ending in his body.
It had taken a while for his body to stop feeling like it was on fire, but it wasn’t as unsettling as one might expect. Warm, reassured, as Cabeswater didn’t leave him hanging uselessly, and neither had Adam and Ronan, though he’d been careful not to ask too many questions. No pressure. Gansey could have only imagined how Adam was feeling, and regardless if he wanted to ask a million and one questions, he didn’t out of respect for his friend.
But if he just managed to be outside in the yard going for a walk when Adam stepped outside-- well, mere coincidence that he was more than happy to take advantage of. Gansey stepped up alongside Adam, shoulder to shoulder, and skipped his stone. “Opal helped with dessert, if you were curious. No promises she’s not eating your strawberry shortcake right now.”
"Yeah, well..." Adam said, sounding amused at the thought of Ronan's psychopomp shoving a first full of shortcake in her face before anyone stopped her. "My own fault for leaving it where she can get it. If not her, then Chainsaw. If not Chainsaw than Houdini or Chorizo. Opal is the lesser of four evils." He skipped his own stone, and then passed another to Gansey, like a practiced dance, in sync.
Adam was quiet for another long moment, before he asked, "Are you out here with a purpose or just coincidence?" Adam said coincidence like a taunt, because he knew that didn't seem plausible but he was willing to go with it for Gansey's sake. "I need to know how to approach this next part of the conversation, but if you had something to say first, I don't want to interrupt."
He tried another rock, but it only did one pitiful hop before it sunk into the mucky edges of the water. Adam exhaled a small huff of a laugh. "Maybe you'll win after all."
“If your husband truly loves you, he’ll save you a bite.” Maybe. Or Ronan would eat it himself, but Gansey suspected he was feeling generous right about now, so luck might be on Adam’s side. It had been a day after all, and clearly still wasn’t over yet.
He gave Adam a look, and skipped a stone without looking - just two hops before it sunk, which is what he deserved. “Both? Chorizo had to go out, but he ran back inside before I’d spotted you. I’d just--” He didn’t want to be pushy, and Gansey stood there like he was on the edge, balancing his words carefully.
It had always been a hard line for him to toe, always more apprehensive than Ronan that he was going to overstep himself, because with one look, Adam could easily unman him. Ronan was undoubtably made of tougher stuff. “I just wanted to check on you, see how you were doing. But if you just want some space, I can give you that too.”
If his husband really loved him, he'd feed it to him so Adam could attempt to work on an essay he had meant to do this evening. But all his plans fell spectacularly out the window and Adam couldn't seem to dredge up a reason to be worried about it. Maybe it was still the cool numbness of all other emotions that had staved the stress of it off, maybe he'd wake up in the middle of the night and furiously drag his books out to make up for lost time, or maybe none of that. For once, Adam didn't have much of a plan.
"You don't have to leave. I would have said something if I wanted to be alone," Adam said, tossing his last rock across the water. It skipped a half-dozen times—his best yet—but his hands were empty, and keeping up the competition momentum was just a way to stall.
He didn't immediately give up an answer for how he was doing to Gansey; Adam still wasn't sure. Fine was inadequate, not good wasn't true, and complicated was honest, but didn't really give clarification. Adam decided to blurt out, "I don't think I ever thanked you, Gansey. For taking me to the hospital."
Gansey’s next stone thunked right into the water, an echo of Adam’s, and a sign that he had stopped paying attention almost immediately at those words. Far, far from what he’d expected with this conversation, though also wholly unnecessary as far as their friendship went. It had been an extremely difficult fight with both of them clashing in the middle, and not at all what Gansey had wanted when Adam had just went through hell.
“Sometimes we’re not very good at saying what we want,” though Adam could be the best of them at it, and Gansey often the worst, saying it gave him a moment for his brain to catch up a little with Adam’s abrupt turnabout.
“I--” Even giving himself a moment, he didn’t really know how to respond. His own apologies with the fight? With taking care of the hospital bill? He still didn’t feel guilty over doing that, as much as he’d wished he was more cunning about how he’d told Adam. “You don’t have to? It’s what we do, without question or expectation of thanks. You’ve never deserved anything less, Adam.”
"Maybe you don't think you need to hear it but I need to say it," Adam said, sounding much shorter than he intended. This wasn't a fight about manners and civility, it was about what Gansey deserved when Adam was too busy throwing all his good fortune away at the beginning because he didn't earn it in the right ways. What a load of bullshit his brain had concocted. Adam was still trying to unlearn that tangled way of thinking.
"There was a moment when we were inside today, when I remembered the last conversation I had with my parents." Adam finally looked at Gansey, and although it was dark out, and both of them were back lit, he refused to look away. "And I remember saying to my dad, if it really was an accident, then he should have taken me to the hospital, he should have been the one there, not you." Robert Parrish had responded unkindly, told Adam he made things ugly, but that wasn't the point. He didn't matter.
"And I realized now that you showed me a kindness before I even understood what it meant to accept one. Who it should have been at the hospital is not the same as who it actually was that was there with me. And I'm sorry—" Adam had to stop and take a deep breath then, pause, then continue. "For taking so long to realize it."
That was the dream, wasn’t it? For Robert Parrish to have been a better father, someone that they could have trusted, that Adam could have experienced a real father-figure. He deserved nothing less than the world, and instead had a rough start to everything from the very beginning. It wasn’t fair, and that man never got the punishment he had deserved.
Adam’s freedom had been one thing - the most important thing - but Gansey would have liked to see his father rot away in a prison cell for the rest of his life, and had been tempted to pull strings to see it happen. But that kind of corruption was a little beyond him, even following the blackmail attempt with their headmaster. Monmouth was just an object, prison was a little different.
“I’ll always be there for you, Adam.” Gansey was solid on that, sure of his words. “You deserved better, you were right, but I’ll always be there for you. And for Ronan. You’ve been there for me when I needed it, and that’s just-- what we do.”
"I know," Adam said, nodding slightly in agreement, convincing himself of the words as much as Gansey was. "I know you will." That knowledge was a universal truth, something that Adam inherently felt in his whole being. And whatever exhaustion he felt now was simply because he had been working so hard to not believe it. How strange his perspective could be changed when he wasn't fighting what was right in front of him?
"I can't promise it's going to be easy in the future. I have—" Adam sighed, dragging a hand down his face. This was the most difficult part of the conversation, confessing there were problems. That part of him was lacking because of or in spite of his past. "I have a lot of things I need to work through now that I don't feel like I need to cling to, I don't know. Transactional bullshit."
He leaned down to pick up another rock, and juggled it between his palms, letting his admission sink in. When he skipped it across the pond, it seemed unnatural how far it hopped across the surface. "But I do know that I don't doubt your intentions. I haven't for a long time, I'm just not great at communicating that. I guess I felt like I didn't have enough to give back for everything you do."
Gansey reached out and put a hand on Adam’s shoulder, and squeezed. He inched a little closer, and did it again, in a more comforting gesture that almost became him pulling Adam in for a hug. He wanted to, but held off for just this moment. He knew it had to be difficult to admit that, working through things and realizing, but even Gansey hadn’t known how bad it was at times in Adam’s brain. Could anyone, really?
“I know I don’t have to tell you you didn’t owe me anything then or now,” They’d at least gotten past the money thing, being here in Vallo. “But-- Fuck, Adam. I don’t think any of you know how much you did for me, even when you had to do nothing. Having people who believed in me, who believed in what I wanted with Glendower, who supported me even when we were fighting?”
Gansey had to brush an annoyed hand over his face, under his eyes, ignoring the fact that there was a smear of wetness when he brought it down to brush on his shirt. “I couldn’t have kept it up without any of you, having you meant the world to me, it still does.”
Adam's hand went up to cover Gansey's, in a show of thanks and to pull from the comfort Adam knew Gansey was offering. In this moment, everything in his body was still trying to fight and it look far too long for Adam to stop for just one stupid second, and let it go. Adam dragged Gansey into the hug that he knew he was trying not to do. Like it might break some tenuous hold they had on the conversation.
"It was easy," Adam said. Following Gansey, seeing him as this bright shining spot above all the muck that was his life was easy. And not because Gansey was some kind of idolized scape-goat—Adam had also struggled with his own doubts on that one—but he was the kind the person Adam always wanted to be. He remembered that feeling in the courtroom, when Gansey and Ronan had shown up, and for once, the embarrassment had faded, and the equality of the two of them was made whole.
He released Gansey from the embrace, and sighed, deeply. "There are so many things you have done for me too, Gansey. I have never been more thankful for you to be my friend, to still be my friend, especially all the times I pushed you away," Adam said, letting out a mirthless laugh, shaking his head.
"Like shit. You already had one asshole in your life, you didn't need another. You're more masochistic than me."
Gansey was glad for the hug, because it gave him a moment to bury his head in Adam’s shoulder as his emotions calmed. He wasn’t typically one for hiding any kind of emotion due to masculinity (Blue and Henry both would have had things to say if he ever pulled that) but just felt silly for it right here and now, even given the heavy topic.
“I think we’re both guilty of a lot of things we’re learning to do better on,” Gansey was confident about that, at least, and squared his shoulders as Adam backed off. But he did get a laugh out of it, one that surprised him as it crept up. “Adam. Adam. I hate to tell you this,” He reached out to squeeze Adam’s arm again. “But I’ve always been surrounded by assholes and I really wouldn’t have it any other way. They’re all fantastically incredible in their asshole ways and bring balance to the--”
Okay, now he’d hit an edge of dorkiness as Gansey popped on a lopsided smile. “Force.”
That finally startled a laugh out of Adam. It was short lived, but it was an appreciation for humor when the whole day had felt like a whirlwind of anger and resentment trying to drag him down. He needed the levity, which was just another thing Gansey managed to bring to the table as his friend. Adam could only hope that his own past would stop holding him back from being the friend he wanted to be for Gansey. Not better—he had to make another mental reminder about breaking the transactional habit, it wasn't how relationships worked—just more.
"I'm telling Ronan you made a Star Wars joke when we were talking about our feelings," Adam said, as he crouched down to look for a few more stones. He came back with two and split them with Gansey. "If you win this next throw, I'll reconsider." He was teasing, mostly. Just enough to nudge at the parts of Gansey that Adam was familiar with, because of their years of friendship.
He readied the stone in his hand, and hesitated before he threw it. "We can do it at the same time, for fairness."
Gansey took the stone with a forced long-suffering sigh. He should’ve known to expect this, both of his best friends were nothing if not persistent when it came to competitions. And Gansey was just keyed up enough to give it his all.
“Speaking of loveable assholes, coming in with that blackmail.” It was teasing, and he grinned at Adam to the side before readying his throw. “On the count of three, and if you use Cabeswater, I’ll know.” He wouldn’t do anything about it, so the threat was an empty one. Gansey started the countdown nonetheless. “One, two…”