WHO: Cassandra de Rolo and Vex'ahlia, then Cassandra and Verin Thelyss WHAT: Vex comes to talk to Cassandra about her new memories and the latter talks to Verin about the aftermath. WHEN: Morning of January 30 WARNINGS: Spoilers through the end of Critical Role's C1. Heavy talk of death, guilt, the sads. STATUS: Complete
Vex could feel the strands of her composure slowly, slowly slipping from her grasp. She was tired, bone weary, after an anything but restful sleep and the time she’d spent with her brother that morning. She had been loathe to leave him, nearly desperate to not let him out of her sight. Vex was not the only person in Vax’ildan’s life, though, and for as much as her heart ached at the thought of any space between them just now, she knew that she had to let him process his own memories with people who weren’t her, too. Besides, there was still more to unpack from all that she now remembered.
Like making sure Cassandra didn’t suddenly have an arrow through her heart. Or, almost as worrisome, suddenly remember her sister-in-law having killed her.
Vex angrily brushed a loose tear from her cheek. Cassandra had been okay. She was alive back home. Surely Vallo would know that. Surely it wouldn’t take Cassandra away from her, too. Either way, though, Vex knew she needed to see her, needed to know she was safe. And maybe a small part of her, too, needed to see some semblance of Percival in her. Now that she remembered. Now that she knew what she knew. Now that she had even more reason to hate Vallo for having taken him away.
Everyone she cared for left eventually.
She took a deep, shuddering breath as she approached Cassandra’s door. She lifted a hand and knocked. “Cassandra? Cassandra, it’s me. Vex’ahlia. Are you there?”
The morning had been a normal one thus far, at least for Cassandra. Verin had stepped out, promising to return with some form of breakfast as she had finished her general morning preparations. She had, in fact, just finished a somewhat elaborate twist of a braid, tucking it away to keep the brown (and white, in places) locks from her face and shoulders, when the knocks had sounded from the door. It wasn't uncommon, especially in a house as full as the one she and the others lived in, but she nevertheless started at the sudden sound, before immediately soothing as she heard Vex's voice.
With one more glance spared at the mirror, Cassandra abandoned it to instead go to the door. A smile lit up her face as she opened it and gave Vex a customary, "Good morning!" by way of greeting, but her expression immediately dimmed into concern as she surveyed her sister-in-law.
Stepping to the side, she opened the door a bit wider in an invitation for Vex to come inside. "Is everything all right?"
Vex could only imagine what she looked like to Cassandra. Hair bedraggled, face puffy from crying, eyes rimmed in red. There was nothing to be done for it, though, and Vex answered her sister-in-law by rushing forward and pulling her into a hug. Unlike Vax, Cassandra was warm, and so fully alive, and it was the first time that morning that Vex had felt any semblance of assurance. Cassandra was fine. She wasn’t dead. She wasn’t hurt, and that counted for more than something.
“Sorry, sorry,” she replied, throat tightening as she held Cassandra in her embrace. “I just– I just needed to see that you were okay and– and you are, and–” her voice trailed off as she shook her head to acknowledge that words weren’t going to happen for another moment.
For just the shortest, briefest moment, Cassandra stiffened as Vex pulled her into her arms, surprise evident on her face before she melted into the embrace. Her arms came around Vex to complete the hug, her brow furrowed and another question just about to leave her lips before she was interrupted. Vex's words both answered her questions, but they also created several more. She was clearly upset. Had something happened? Had someone else been returned back to Exandria? Vax, Gilmore, one of their friends from Wildemount?
Or, her quick mind began to consider, was this tied to something that had happened in Exandria? The twins had gotten memories before, just as Cassandra had over a year ago. Ice seemed to spread through her chest at the thought.
"I'm all right," Cassandra reassured Vex, trying to push that thought aside. She pulled away just enough to look Vex over, concern clear on her face as Cassandra tried vainly to smooth out her messy hair. "I'm here," she continued. "Did something happen? Something here or--ah. Something from home?" If it was memories, she would need to determine just what Vex remembered now--though, given her reaction to Cassandra and needing to see she was okay, she had her suspicions.
Vex tried to swallow past the tightness in her throat. She owed Cassandra some sort of explanation for both her sudden appearance at her bedroom door and the intrusion of her personal space so early in the morning. She closed her eyes, letting her sister-in-law take care of her in those small gestures, and immediately feeling guilty for it. She had absolutely no control over the way her emotions churned and changed like the tide.
Shaking her head again, she dipped her chin, once again looking anywhere but at the person in front of her. “Nothing here, not– not really. I just woke up and remembered–”
Vex stopped again. She remembered so much and none of it was good. No, some of it was good, and that was an entirely different hell she’d need to process later. But how did she tell Cassandra what had happened when it felt impossible to sort through the events of the past weeks, or even past days? She glanced back up at Cassandra, opened her mouth to speak, and ended up blowing out a long, shuddering breath as she visibly deflated.
The concern on Cassandra's face only deepened. Carefully, she moved to guide Vex toward the armchair she usually used for late night reading, pushing aside a stack of books with her socked foot to move them out of the way. Sitting seemed like a good idea, given just how upset Vex clearly was; she only wished she had tea or something to offer, her Lady of Whitestone persona sneaking through out of habit and comfort. She didn't, though. All she had was herself, which she hoped would be enough.
Especially considering that the pieces were certainly falling together.
Keeping Vex's hands in hers, Cassandra hesitated just a moment before she said, voice quiet, "I am going to just make an assumption on what happened, for my own understanding, so I can better help. We don't have to talk about it, though, if you don't want to." Pausing, she let that pass before asking, "Do you remember Vecna?"
One by one, the threads of her composure snapped. She didn’t know if it was the relief of knowing that Cassandra was okay, the sturdiness of the armchair beneath her. or the sound of the name breaking the dam of weeks of grief that had been leading to this point, but Vex lost what little control she had on her emotions. She closed her eyes as the tears came, the heel of her palm pressing firmly to her forehead.
Her heart ached. She felt like she was desperately trying to claw her way out of her skin, like she would either burst or scream, or both. She did neither of those things and still the feeling did not subside.
When would they stop losing the things that mattered most to them?
When would they be good enough to deserve some fucking reprieve?
Her hand moved to cover her eyes as she wiped away the wetness beneath them. “I remember Vecna. I remember what I did to y-you,” she said. voice breaking. “I remember V- Va–,” she stopped, giving herself a moment. “I remember Vax’ildan.”
Cassandra felt as a fist closed around her heart, squeezing tighter with each passing moment as she watched Vex struggle with everything she had been dealt. For as much frustration as she might have occasionally felt when considering her brother and all that he had left for her to deal with in Whitestone, she did not envy what he had been handling instead--and the very same could be said for his friends, by extension. For all she had been through, she did not like to compare and contrast trauma as though it was some sort of competition; she could, however, take her experiences and let them lend toward understanding that the world could, to put it in very simple terms, could really suck at times.
Doing her best to perch on the chair, Cassandra let one of her arms come to rest around Vex in an attempt at comfort. The vice on her heart squeezed further as Vex told her the different things she now remembered. None of them were good, though she paused on the second, because of course she did. Vecna, as far as she knew, was not in Vallo and Vax'ildan, given what Vex had said about there not being changes here, still was in Vallo. The second, though, she still had nightmares about, despite that she didn't, and never had, placed any true blame on Vex for what had happened. That blame landed squarely upon Vecna, not her sister-in-law, who she knew would never hurt her purposefully.
She had never told Vex about it, despite that she'd had the memories for over a year. It hadn't felt fair to. What purpose would it hold, other than to make Vex potentially feel guilt that Cassandra felt wholeheartedly she should be spared, if she could? Of course, now she had to wonder if not telling her and not giving forewarning was a more cruel fate.
"That is so much to remember, Vex," Cassandra said, her voice gentle. "I am so sorry."
It was so much to remember and each memory fought for priority in her mind even though there was no way that Vex could prioritize them. Losing her brother, selfishly, would win every time. But so many of the things that had happened to them over the past days and weeks had been hard and even the good things were now cloaked in the bitterness of being separated by worlds and magics Vex could not even begin to comprehend. It had taken her nearly a year to get to the point where she didn’t desperately miss Percival every day and even then it was because a part of her thought that one day she might go home and find him there, instead.
But now she could never go home. She could never hope for Vallo to return them to their friends and family back home because, without Vax, what was there to return to? Did it make her a terrible wife to feel like the only choice between leaving for Percy and staying here for Vax felt like no choice at all?
It was a small mercy that her sister-in-law was intuitive enough to be able to guide this conversation. How could she even begin to put all of it into words to explain to Cassandra why she was sat here falling apart? Vex stilled at that thought, dread beginning to course through her. She glanced up at Cassandra and asked, “You got memories, too, didn’t you? Oh, Cass, I am so sorry.”
Almost immediately, guilt reared its head within Cassandra. It didn't replace the concern on her face, perhaps because she was now concerned for a whole different reason.
"I did, but--not today, not this morning. It's been quite some time." Cassandra's gaze dropped after the admission, looking uncharacteristically uncertain for a woman who made it her personal goal to always be certain. She felt off kilter. Despite knowing that this moment would come one day if Vex'ahlia and Vax'ildan continued to receive memories as it had felt like they were, she hadn't ever imagined it. Now, as she tried to find her words, she wished that she had.
The truth, she decided, was probably her best way forward. "A handful of months after I first arrived here, I woke up with a couple years of memories. I remember about a year past your defeating Vecna." A year past her own death and resurrection, a year past Vax's death, a year of rebuilding and learning to live in a new normal and beginning to conquer her own demons--a path she was still walking. Cassandra sighed, looking back up to Vex. "I apologize for not saying anything. I thought it wasn't my place."
Vex sucked in a sharp breath, pulling away as she pushed back into the chair. She tried to process what exactly it meant that Cassandra had known what was coming–what was still to come–and hadn’t told her. But it was just one more thing being added to the pile of things Vex had to work through and that pile right now was insurmountable. It was impossible to think anymore. All she had was how she felt and right now she felt hurt. She didn’t know if it was because Cassandra specifically had kept the information to herself, or if it was because she had no way of knowing whether or not a head’s up would have made any of this any fucking easier.
And underneath that hurt still boiled the ever-present anger that hadn’t stopped pressing into her since the moment Vax’ildan had disappeared with the Raven Queen.
So Vex reacted the only way she had the ability to react in that moment. Hurt and angry.
“Not your place?” Vex replied with incredulity. “You’ve known for a year what was going to happen, what I was going to remember and you thought that, as my friend–” she stopped, throwing her hands out. “No, as my sister, that it wasn’t your place to warn me?” She scoffed and pushed herself up from the chair, brushing past Cassandra. “I am sincerely glad that you are all right,” she said, turning away from her sister-in-law. “That was all I needed to know.”
Cassandra felt her heart sink, the guilt that had been lingering on the edges of her mind now impossible to ignore as it filled her. There were many things that she wanted to say, excuses that she wanted to make. None of them felt worthy of the hurt she had inadvertently caused, not when Vex was already dealing with more than anyone's fair share.
She had tried, back when the memories first came, to broach the topic with Percy, but a time never came and then--he was gone. She had considered it time and again since then with those from home that remained, but she couldn't bring herself to gift such hurt onto those she loved. Perhaps it was cowardly, cowardly in a way that she had been trying hard to no longer be. But she knew what it was to lose family, to lose siblings, and the thought of bringing that hurt upon Vex or Gilmore or Vax'ildan himself--especially when she didn't know all of the details, having been only a pawn in Vecna's plan rather than a true player--had felt impossible.
Though she didn't stand or go after Vex as she moved, Cassandra's hands met in front of her to wring together. She knew there was nothing she could say to make any of this better, but she couldn't stay silent, either. "I am sorry," she apologized again, voice firm, though quiet. "It wasn't my decision to make."
It was cruel not to respond, unfair not to absolve Cassandra of a transgression that Vex knew she hadn’t actually committed. But still Vex continued forward without a word, opening the door without a backward glance. The sound of it shutting behind her was as deafening as the hollow pit inside of her that was steadily swallowing her whole.
The part of Cassandra that was a bit older and wiser knew that she couldn't go after Vex. Her words and quick, silent retreat made it all too clear that she needed space and Cassandra would respect that. It was the least she could do.
The other side of Cassandra, though, that was built of loss and abandonment issues, very much wanted to run after her sister-in-law. She wanted to apologize again, try to explain herself once more, find the words that would make this all right. Though she still wasn't sure if she had done anything wrong, nor was she sure if she would have done anything different, she still felt that guilt. It wasn't unfamiliar; guilt had been a constant companion for her in Whitestone, the work she did to better the city and her people chipping away at that boulder slowly. There wasn't as easy a solution as that, here.
The door shut and Cassandra stood there for a moment, before falling into the chair that Vex had been occupying just moments before. She was still there, hands wringing as she stared at the wall, when Verin returned.
–
It was on busy mornings like this one that Verin almost wished he could do magic like so many other residents of Vallo. If he could just teleport between locations, maybe charm a few people to let him move ahead in the line, and also magically decide what he actually wanted to buy, he’d save so much time. Money, too, given that his indecisiveness that morning had led to him buying one of every bagel Glenn had available by the time it had been his turn to order. It was fine, though. He’d gotten what he’d wanted to pick up for Cassandra and he knew no one at the Xhorhaus would complain about extra bagels in the kitchen, especially from Glenn’s. Still, he hadn’t wanted to be gone so long. He’d wanted to spend the morning in with Cassandra.
He’d dropped off the extra bagels in the kitchen with a note telling everyone to help themselves and made his way back up to the room he now shared with Cassandra, smaller bag in tow. With a smile on his face, he let himself back in and said, “Good news, I managed to get your favorite. I thought given just how many people were in line in front of me, he’d be sold out before I got to the front of the line.”
But as he finished talking, he took in the sight before him. Cassandra, crestfallen, wringing her hands anxiously in the armchair. Verin quickly moved close to her, depositing the bag on the table and kneeling before her as he stopped her wringing hands and held them in his. “Cass? What’s wrong? What’s happened?” His brow furrowed in concern, trying to wrack his brain for any indication that she’d been on the verge of distress before he’d left.
The plan, Cassandra had told herself, was to wallow until Verin returned, then pick herself up and make an attempt at getting on with her day. That thought went out the window as soon as Verin actually did return, though, his concern evident and inescapable and, though she was loathe to admit it, incredibly welcome in the moment.
As he took her hands, Cassandra sucked in a long breath and turned her fingers in his own, finding a grip before she let the breath out. "It's Vex," she started, then quickly added as she realized that was a bit ominous of a statement to say, in a world where people could disappear at a moment's notice, "she's upset with me. She remembers more from home, difficult events that I remembered, too--have remembered, for a long while." Her gaze dropped to their joined hands, unable to meet his gaze. "She didn't know that, though."
Verin felt his shoulders relax. It wasn’t that he didn’t think this was a big deal, or that it should bother his girlfriend less than it did, but the immediate threat of her being hurt or in danger, or finding out one of their number had been sent home, had at least been eliminated. He reached up with one hand and smoothed back her hair. He knew most of what she remembered and had known for nearly as long as she had. It was so much, and he remembered having felt like it was unfair that she could have had such difficult memories of the past only to wake up to difficult memories from the future, too.
Knowing what he knew, he had understood why she had refrained from putting that burden on the others, as well, even if he disliked the idea of her having to carry the whole of it herself, especially after her brother had gone.
He tried to put himself in Vex’s shoes, but it was difficult to do so when his main priority was Cassandra and how she felt. “Are you sure she’s upset with you, specifically? Or just upset, in general?” He brushed a thumb over her cheek. “Because from where I’m sitting, all I see is a woman who tried to protect the people she loves for as long as she could.”
"She seemed upset with me," Cassandra murmured, trying to think over the conversation again. She couldn't fault Vex for being upset--with her, with the situation, with all of the complicated things Vallo had to offer. Logically, Cassandra knew that this was probably just one more thing to add to the pile of what Vex was experiencing, therefore making it feel all the worse. She knew that with time, space, and likely an eventual conversation, they would work through this particular thing together. That didn't make it any easier to process in the moment, though.
"I don't know," Cassandra continued, risking a glance up to look at Verin again. She saw understanding in his expression and had to push away the dual thoughts of inadequacy and being undeserving of such attention. "She isn't wrong to be upset, if that is the case. I would have been, too."
Leaning forward, Cassandra let her head come to rest on Verin's shoulder. "There isn't much I can do for it now, short of time travel. After being in ancient Vallo, I'd rather skip that option." It was a weak joke and it fell a bit flat as her tone didn't quite match the levity, but it was an attempt.
As Cassandra leaned forward, Verin moved to wrap his arms around her. “Let’s put time travel as the backup plan should all else fail, okay?” he replied, though he knew neither of them joking about it was actually going to help Cassandra feel better at this moment. What he did know, though, was that he firmly believed she had done nothing wrong. She’d been put in an impossible situation and the only difference between her choices was when she’d have to deal with the feelings she was having right now.
“She might not be wrong to be upset,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean this is your fault. You made the best choice you could make at the time, and no one can really expect more than that.” He wasn’t sure what else to say about it as he rubbed small circles into her back. This was one of those things that he couldn’t just fix, and he wasn’t sure she even wanted solutions from him right now if he had one. All he could do was shoulder some of the burden with her as her partner.
Verin turned his head to press a kiss against her temple and added, “What can I do to help you right now?”
Cassandra knew that Verin was right, even if it wasn't the easiest to admit that to herself at the moment. Perhaps in a day or two, when there was a bit more distance from the hurt that had been evident in Vex's eyes, she would be able to consider all of this with a clearer head. She couldn't dwell or wallow either, though; Cassandra had given that up years ago, no matter the temptation.
But still, she wouldn't turn down the affection and support from Verin.
Shifting, she lifted her arms just enough to complete the embrace around Verin. "I'm unsure," she admitted. "This is new to me. I'm not unused to sibling arguments, if that's what you want to call this, but--it was all before, when I was younger. Percy and I didn't have many issues that couldn't be resolved with some snark and a hug." For the most part, at least, she thought to herself, straightening and keeping her arms around Verin. "I tend to want to fix things, tangibly. It's difficult when it isn't that simple."
Verin held Cassandra close and listened. He knew this about her. He understood her need to take care of and protect. It was part of the many reasons he loved her, even if he wanted to protect her from the way those things could hurt her, in turn. “It’s going to be okay, even if it takes time. Take it from someone well-acquainted with sibling conflict, you can fix it, eventually. When you’re both ready to talk.” If he and Essek could surmount the mountain of conflict they’d shared between them, he knew that this too could be worked out in the end.
Until then– “What if we take this breakfast to go? Get away from the house for a while, give Vex some space if she needs it. Maybe find her an olive branch for when she doesn’t.”
Cassandra felt her heart swell, grateful for Verin and his support and simply for just being in her life at all. It wasn't that she didn't have friends and loved ones back in Whitestone, of course, but she didn't have anyone like him--they were on different continents, living very different lives. That was a thought that amused her sometimes (made her sad on other times, not that she liked to admit it), but mostly just made her grateful for Vallo, despite everything else.
Leaning in, she stole a soft kiss from Verin, then backed up and nodded, managed a small smile. "I think that's a very good idea."