WHERE Adoraās birthday party! WHEN Jan 22nd - Near the end of the birthday celebrations WHAT A Talk. STATUS Complete! WARNINGS A little self-deprecation but thatās about it.
From the muffled sounds of laughter and stumbling footsteps, Adoraās birthday had been a rousing success after all, Catraās surprise hitting as sheād said it would. Atreus was able to awkwardly fess up to Adora, but had a sneaking suspicion she didnāt quite believe him, or was too distracted to focus on it. But at least it was out there now, and Atreus was pretty sure he owed it to Lance to tell him that. No faking necessary.
He snagged an extra drink and went on the hunt, dodging crowds and escaping outside where it was a little quieter and the fresh air felt nice. It didnāt take him long to find Lance, and Atreus made sure his footsteps could be heard as he approached to not cause any undue surprise.
He held out the untouched drink in one hand. āI think this is where the term what a week comes in, right?ā Atreus glanced over at Lance and then took a sip of his own drink to try and curb the need to ramble. āSo my fourth place standings can be put to rest, I cleared things up with Adora. I think.ā
Lance looked up as he heard Atreus walking over and scooted over on the picnic table top he was sitting on. He pulled a hand out of his hoodie he'd thrown on to go outside and took the offered drink. "Thanks," he said as he took a sip.
"What a week sounds a little like an understatement," he added with a bit of a smile. Between Keith and Shiro's surprise we're married and Adora's birthday party along with everything else. But it had been good though, seeing Keith and Shiro that happy had been nice.
"You think?" he teased lightly, but it was clear he wasn't upset by the disclaimer. It was a party, not necessarily the best of places to clear up misunderstandings. And despite the whirlwind of Keith and Shiro's announcement and the party there'd still been far too much time left to think on how easily Adora had gone to the conclusion she had, and if a quick attempt to clear it up during a party would even do just that. Clear it up.
"Only you though would somehow end up with I've been secretly dating someone and it involves turning into random people when faced with trying to keep a surprise party on the downlow," he said. Though it was the furthest thing from mean spirited or even teasing - a soft and fond amusement in the words and his expression.
"Wellā¦" he started and raised his glass up in a little mock toast. "We'll always have the man bun," he said lightly, a reference he was sure might go over Atreus' head but whatever.
āYou probably wouldnāt be surprised at how many weird propositions Iāve gotten from people because of the shapeshifting thing.ā He hadnāt taken anyone up on those propositions, but itād happened a few times so far. It wasnāt strange to him to be shifted as an animal, that felt natural. It wasnāt strange to take on his feminine face, either, but everything else had an adjustment period.
Even if he didnāt quite get it, he clinked cups with Lance. Atreusā laugh sounded less than full-bodied and genuine than his typical one, but he didnāt try to hide that. āI am sorry about that, by the way. Iāll work on uh, not pulling you into things when I have to make an excuse or something. You shouldnāt have been my scapegoat for lying and putting you in an awkward position.ā
"Yeah, probably not," he agreed with a small shake of his head. "I like your regular faces better though, even if man bun was a cool looking dude," he added with a little smile.
"For the record - I don't mind getting pulled into things, with you," he started, looking at Atreus beside him, wanting to absolve him of any guilt he felt for all that. The laugh that hadn't quite been a laugh weighing heavily on Lance right then. "Getting pulled into things with you is one of my favorite things.."
He glanced down at his hands around the cup. Lance had about a hundred lines he could throw out at any given moment. When it didn't matter at least. When it was nothing much more than just a pretty face and a temporary moment. It was harder when it was real. When it meant something. But Keith had told him to be honest, more than once at this point, Adora had jumped to the conclusion they were dating. For all that Lance had a tendency to not think himself anything special or worth someone's affection, he'd hit the point it'd be just dumb to not at least entertain that something was changing between them.
"Really the only awkward part of it all was trying to act like the whole thing was dumb and funny and my feelings for you are strictly platonic," he let out all in one breath and then laughed, somewhat nervously. He took another drink. "Soā¦ there's thatā¦" he added and his lips pressed into a tight line, avoiding eye contact and really if the ground could open up and swallow him whole right about then that'd be great.
Atreus sucked in a breath and held it. It stayed there, in his chest, tight and firm, for a good minute. It was a nice companion piece to his heart, which was beating at an even more rapid pace, as if it was trying to leap out. Something had to stay in there.
When he did let go, it was slow, and he glanced down at his hands instead of over at Lance. This wasnāt a surprise, at this point people would have to be willfully ignoring everything to do with both of them to not see something was there. Shiro had brought it up to him already, more than once, and so had Catra, and Adora obviously had her suspicions already.
Heād avoided talking to all of them like a coward. But he couldnāt do that to Lance, couldnāt keep avoiding the conversation, the reality set between them. āNot strictly platonic on my end either, Lance. I like you, a lot.ā He glanced over at Lance with a small smirk playing at the corner of his lips. āA lot.ā He hoped that came through, even if it wasnāt necessarily helpful with his follow-up.
āIāve struggled a lot lately to really figure out my feelings, and Iām not there yet? Not just with you but with-- everything. Vallo. Life moving on fast around me and just kind of feeling stuck in a rut. Iāve made a lot of dumb mistakes, especially in the last year, and-- I want to be in a better place before itās more than just realizing I like you.ā Gods, he wasnāt getting any better at these conversations, was he? His shoulders slumped and he finished off his drink in a large gulp.
Lance knew his own admission came with a but, an asterisk of complication and trauma and grief he was still trying to sort through. The kind of things that he was pretty sure made relationship a bad idea. Even still, there was a warm smile at Atreus' words, a flush across his cheeks as he ducked his head a little and just let himself enjoy the warmth of it all - the little skip of his heart, that spark of knowing someone you liked liked you back. An easy feeling to get lost in, even if only for a moment.
The follow up though, felt so similar to the mess of thoughts in his own head. Lance set his own drink down. He was easy with physical affection with his friends - shoulder bumps, an arm slung over, hugs if he knew he could get away with it. But there was a small moment of hesitation here - because it was different, and maybe all that would come from laying their feelings out right then - before his fingertips brushed lightly against Atreus' hand.
"It's okay," he said first. He wasn't just saying it to be nice, or let Atreus off the hook. It was okay. "I - uh - I get it." He paused for a moment. "I don't know what I'm doing - like at least ninety percent of the time," he said. In another conversation it might have been a joke, but it was earnestly honest right then. "It kind of feels like everyone else has their shit together and I'm justā¦" he trailed off with a shrug, not really sure the word he was looking for but a shrug seemed to fit just as well.
"And I like you too," he said, a more definitive statement than his earlier one. It was out there now after all. "Like it's kind of stupid how much," he added on with a sheepish grin as he rubbed his free hand along the back of his neck. "I just - I don't think I could handle it if I fucked up things between us and made everything all weird and awful and I'm pretty sure the chances of me doing that right now are really damn high which uh - I'm sure some people might say is me just being dumb or self-deprecating or whatever but that's uhm - where I am."
Atreus took the unspoken cue and opened up his hand a little so he could link fingers with Lance. It was nice, comforting, to have that, rather than both of them withdrawing. It made the pain in his chest go down a little as he was able to relax.
āI really donāt either. Know what Iām doing. I just kind of, uh, fake it, mostly.ā Not that that had a history of going great, but sometimes he got lucky. āPressure to be ready for something weāre not, or to be people weāre not, just pretending, is probably the worst thing we can do, right?ā That sounded right to him, as he said it out loud, but Atreus still felt clueless half of the time.
āGods, that sounded really mature,ā he snorted out a laugh. āMake it stop.ā
"Very adult," Lance added with a soft laugh of his own and gave Atreus' hand a squeeze.
"I know what you mean though," he said. "Putting pressure on ourselves, jumping into something - yeah, kind of seems like a terrible idea?" There was a short pause. "I just - I don't want things to be hard?" He huffed a short laugh at that. "Which maybe is the opposite of mature and adult butā¦" he gave Atreus' hand another little squeeze as he tried to sort out how to explain the damn mess he was coming from.
"I loved Allura - like I would have followed her across the universe loved her. And I'll always love her." Which Lance knew didn't make less anything else he might feel for Atreus, or someone else, just that there was a part of him that would always belong to Allura, to being in love for the first time and all that had come with it. How could there not be.
"But it was - hard," he admitted quietly, his gaze locked at his fingers laced through Atreus'. "And complicated and I know some of that was trying to be in a relationship when all our time was devoted to trying to save the universe. But some of it was justā¦ us." He let out a slow breath, guilt seeping into the pit of his stomach at what he was saying. At admitting that fundamentally he and Allura were different people and even if they loved each other that might not have been enough, because what the hell was he supposed to do with that realization now.
"It's - different?" a small shrug of his shoulders. "With this, with you." Easy. Effortless. They just - existed, hung out, went on adventures. The guilt roared at that. "And I think it could be good - really good, except I don't think I'm ready for that yet and rushing into something we're not ready for seems like a really quick way to make everything hard and ruin what could be." He lifted his gaze back up. "Maybe it just has to be enough for now that you know I think about making out with you. Like way more than I probably should be thinking about it," he concluded, trying to make it light but there was a twinge of sadness there. Because even if this was a mature way of looking at things - it still kind of sucked. A lot.
Atreus nodded and squeezed Lanceās hand for support. His own memories of Allura were good ones, fond, and heād been aware of what happened to her back home which had left that lingering feeling of sadness when she was gone. Lance having missed that with her here made him sad for the two of them, the cross between worlds and timelines was always a confusing one.
āI get it.ā He really did. He hadnāt felt that across the universe surge, but he knew what love felt like and looked like, and knew how when a person found their person, it was a wholly different thing. Itās why heād started to give his father some slack when it came to finding a companion. He knew even if someone else came along, nothing would change what heād had with mother.
āI have uh- time?ā A lot of it, if Vallo kept him around. āIām good taking time to figure things out the right way. Even if making out sounds really nice.ā He couldnāt deny the stab of loneliness at times, especially with all of their friends being happy around them.
"God - right?" Lance let out with a laugh. "Everyone else is doing it," and alright, it maybe sounded just a little petulant, a small pout and all. He'd never deny his friends their happiness, and he was happy for them - but it did get hard to shove that loneliness away. The kind that seeped in when he ran out of distractions, had co-opted enough of his friend's time for the day, when he went to bed alone and woke up the same.
Lance let his head fall against Atreus' shoulder. "Being mature adults sucks." He knew it was for the best. Ignoring the fact neither of them felt ready would only end in disaster. But that didn't mean he had to like it.
āYeah it does,ā Atreus agreed with another light laugh. This one at least sounded more genuine, though his childhood hadnāt been much better. He at least had faith things would look up, and he had friends like this that helped combat any feelings of loneliness.
There was still a part of him that wanted to do something dumb and impulsive - he owed Shiro one now just so they were even - but that would probably go against everything they had been talking about, so he just went for something them instead. He glanced down at the resting head on his shoulder. āWant to go back inside and I can kick your ass at laser tag again?ā
Lance would probably go wallow in his feels about all this later. Give into the well that sucked part of it a bit more and just be sad for a little about the nature of timing and all that. And like Atreus, the urge to just throw caution to the wind was very much there. But he tempered the desire to just say fuck it and do something dumb at the mention of laser tag.
"Ruuuuuuuuuuude," he drawled out and lifted his head. It was easy enough, as it always was, to slide into that camaraderie and Lance shot Atreus a grin. He gave the hand in his one last squeeze and got to his feet. "Hope you're prepared to eat those words," he added with a teasing tone, flashing finger guns before he grabbed his cup and started back in with Atreus.