Serendipity Hills Log Who: Will Laurence and Lan Xichen What: Xichen finally confesses to Will When: Today Where: Divine Coffee in Serendipity Hills Warnings: Next level obtuseness, but otherwise nothing!
Today was the day, Xichen decided. He was going to do it. He was going to be brave, embrace hope, and confess his feelings, damn the consequences. Even if Will wasn’t interested, this didn’t have to affect their friendship. If Sizhui could be brave enough to go after his dreams as just a high school kid, Xichen could do the same. He was inspired, and he was going to take his chances!
Carefully take his chances, anyway. He’d make sure there was a way out of this without either of them having to be terribly embarrassed if he was completely out of line. No grand gestures, no signs and lights or sweeping of feet. That was utterly ridiculous at their age, not to mention that if it failed he’d feel phenomenally foolish.
So Xichen walked over for tea as he always did at the end of the day. He greeted Will with a smile, sat across from him at their usual table, let the small talk settle them into place, and finally, he began the conversation he’d been anticipating and dreading for years.
“This may seem random, but…we’ve been friends a long time, haven’t we?”
Perhaps the question was random, but not random enough for Will to think too deeply on it. He smiled, thinking back fondly of all their years of friendship. He could scarcely remember a time when Xichen hadn’t been in his life at all, and didn’t care to try.
“I’d say so, yes,” he said. “As long as I can remember. What brings this on?”
"I've just been thinking a lot about it lately," Xichen admitted. Deep, cleansing breath in, then out. This was it. Now or never. Just do it.
“About how much I enjoy the time we spend together, and how every day is a little brighter with you in it, and that I honestly can’t imagine what my life would be like without you. You mean so much to me, and I…”
One more deep breath. “I love you, Will.”
Will was stunned, for a moment. It wasn’t that no one had ever told Will that they loved him before, it was just that the only other person who had was his mother. And then he felt a rush of warmth and affection wash over him. The corners of his eyes crinkled.
“I love you too, Xichen,” he said, reaching out to take Xichen’s hand. “And I can’t imagine life without you either. I hope that we’ll be friends until we’re old and gray.”
Friends.
For a moment, Xichen felt his heart light up like a bonfire. Then, the last sentence hit the fire like a wave from the ocean, putting it out cold.
He supposed it was the nicest possible way to let him down. It never occurred to him that Will might not take his meaning. Xichen thought he'd been very clear, so if Will was emphasizing friends, it could only be to make a point while being kind enough to let Xichen save face. He'd always been good and courteous that way.
"Of course we will," Xichen replied, because it was true, and what else could he say? He'd made his attempt, He'd been graciously shut down, and now there was nothing to do but move on and place his infatuation back under wraps where it belonged. "Forgive me for going all emotional on you. I think the holiday cheer is getting to me."
Had Will just seen disappointment flash across Xichen’s face? He couldn't imagine what he might have said that would have caused his friend any distress, and he spent some time mulling over the words before deciding that it couldn’t have been anything he’d said.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Will said, his smile softening a little. “I’m glad you told me, truly. If anything, I should be apologizing for the fact that I’ve not told you often enough how much I value our friendship.”
"Obviously neither have I, so I guess we can both be excused," Xichen replied. The ache in his chest would go away eventually, he was sure. It was better, in fact, to go ahead and feel the pain of a gentle rejection than to spend the rest of his life wondering if things could have been different. Was he trying to convince himself that this was fine? Yes, and he was sure that given enough time and effort, it would work.
Xichen wasn't prone to large emotional displays, and so maybe Will was imagining that he seemed down, but he didn't think he was. Perhaps something had happened with his family, or with one of his other friends, or perhaps to one of the cats. Something dreadful, which had compelled Xichen to tell Will the depth of his feelings in the first place.
Will wanted to ask, but he bit his tongue. Xichen would talk about it when he was ready to, he was sure. He gave his friend's hand a squeeze and stood. "I'd just pulled some banana oat muffins from the oven before you got here," Will said. "Would you like me to fetch you a couple?"
"I'll never turn down a fresh banana muffin," Xichen replied, thinking he could use the time it took Will to walk to the kitchen and back to finish properly composing himself. It was sort of funny, really, getting sweets to bury his heartbreak in from the man who'd done the breaking. Funny enough to make him smile, even if there was still sadness tinging the edges of it.
Right. Time for a subject change. "Do you think if I brought Mingjue one he'd stop trying to eat Yao? They're worse than ever this week."
"I'm sure it couldn't hurt," Will answered, though never having had any himself, he didn't know much about raising cats. "If you think it would help at all, I'd be happy to watch him for a few days for you as well." Though Will wasn't sure if that would actually help in the goal of having the cats get along in the long run. At least it would give Xichen a reprieve. "I can't say I understand what Mingjue has against him. Yao is such a sweet cat."
“I don’t know,” Xichen sighed, letting himself get distracted with the issue of his cats. “Nor do I know why it’s suddenly so much worse lately. They’ve had years of Mingjue just ignoring Yao, and that was fine! I know they’re not dogs, they don’t have to be best friends, but for the past week Mingjue’s just been acting out left and right. Bullying Yao, eating hair ties and throwing them up next to the bed…if this doesn’t sort itself out in another few days, I think I’ll take him to the vet just in case. I’d feel awful if I accused him of misbehaving when it’s actually that he’s sick.”
Will fetched some muffins, both for himself and Xichen. That must have been it then; Xichen was simply worried over his furry companions.
"Well, let's hope that it's simply a case of holiday malaise on Mingjue's part and nothing more," he said, warmly, setting the muffins on the table between them. In the meantime, Will would do his best to help cheer his beloved friend.