nyx ulric (galahdan) wrote in valloic, @ 2021-10-09 11:27:00 |
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I want to really lean into this Old McDonald life of ours ↪
Or, retiring as much as the two of them were capable of in a place like Vallo.
Neither one of them was young anymore and both had their eyes to the future. Maybe it was because Shiro was laying in a hospital somewhere or maybe it was the reminder that the violence was never going to end, but they were both done with this kind of life, guilt and feelings of obligation be damned.
After Bucky disinfected one of the slashes across his husband's back, he brushed a kiss to the back of Nyx's neck as he pressed a clean towel to the large cut. Then he rested his forehead against the crook of Nyx's neck and shoulder, breathing in the strong chemical smell around them and a hint of sweat under that. "When Shiro's out of the hospital, let's finally talk to him and Sara about stepping back from the patrol teams." His own cuts and bruises were nearly healed already, but his love wasn't as fortunate.
Nyx was quiet as Bucky cleaned him up, hands pressed against the edge of the counter and a small hiss as the disinfectant hit the worst of the slash. It wasn't awful really. He'd more than had worse over the years. But there was a tiredness that had settled in to the whole routine. It was nice, of course, to have his husband dotting on him. Bucky's hands gentle as he worked. But Nyx was not really looking forward to spending the next few days limping around the house as the deep aches and pains settled from being tossed around by one of those damn machines.
He knew he wasn't old, despite how often he'd joke about it. But moments like this, bruised and a little battered, he felt a hell of lot older than his thirty three. And he knew that was entirely a result of having spent over a decade putting his body through hell. He felt it in the way it took a few days longer to bounce back, if not more. In the way he was stiff and sore in the mornings even if they'd had lighter days on patrol. That it settled in again at night, bones aching as he tried to sleep. His body had fought a war, died and came back, and continued to fight and Nyx didn't want to admit it but he knew he had to - it was now telling him to stop.
He turned, leaned his weight against the counter and looked up at his husband. "You know you don't have to just because I'm turning into an old man," he pointed out. Bucky had that whole handy quick healing thing, it was easier for him to bounce back.
Snorting at that, Bucky raised an eyebrow. “I’m almost forty. You think I want to be doing this for however much time we have left?” He didn’t have the same urge to keep fighting, not the way Nyx did like he was running toward something that made him feel useful. They had talked long into the nights about it, about what Nyx felt like he owed, and it was safe to say that Bucky didn’t think his husband owed anyone shit.
His own guilt complex had been eased with the last memory update, knowing that he had made things as right as they were ever going to get with one of his biggest regrets in life.
“No, I want to retire. I’ve just been waiting on you to get on the same page with me, pal,” Bucky said, putting his hands on either sides of Nyx’s hips on the counter and leaning into the other man’s space. Pressing a line of kisses down his jaw, he nipped at his lips and said, “I want to really lean into this Old McDonald life of ours and spend my days with you working this land. I want to let the kids have their turn at defending the community and not worrying about whether you did something reckless while I wasn’t watching you or doing something dumb myself because I didn’t trust someone to know what they were doing.”
Scooping Nyx up and sitting his ass down on the counter, he stepped into the vee of his legs. Leaning his forehead against the other man’s, he continued to speak. “My body might not be tired, but my mind is. I’m done with fighting, Nyx. And I want you to be done too so we can live for us.”
It was hard sometimes, to remember who he was outside throwing himself in the line of fire. He had memories, of course. Those years spent as a kid, exploring his island in and out. The all to brief moment of adulthood, or at least the cusp of it, unmarred by the war that landed on their doorstep. But mostly Nyx remembered fighting. All the damn time. And while he'd gotten better at sorting out who he was outside that, of carving out an identity that was more than what he could do on a battlefield - it was still hard. It still kept him up at night, that looming question of what now.
It was what, until now, had kept the thought of stepping back from defense as just that, a thought. And not so much a plan. But it'd started to feel better lately, the idea of stepping back. Of feeling secure in knowing he had so much more to offer and maybe he'd always feel some little pang of guilt, or like he owed the world something - but it didn't feel as all encompassing anymore. Felt more like a dumb little voice in the back of his head he could - mostly - tell to shut the hell up.
He was easy to move and he let his fingers linger low on his husband's hips. It was daunting really. Even knowing there was a life for him outside the one he'd known for so long. He had friends, family, a husband. Plans to expand their little farm. Plans for a future and it was all so much more than Nyx had ever dreamed he'd get. A future he wanted.
He lifted his hands to cup Bucky's face and stole a brief kiss before letting his hands fall back against Bucky's hips. He pulled back a little so he could look at Bucky, a tired little smile on his lips. "Just - promise me you'll smack some sense into me if I start sitting around eating nothing but cereal and watching way too much shitty daytime tv," he said, half joking but also half remembering the weeks he'd wasted away in Texas doing just that. Though he had faith it wouldn't be repeated - he had a life now, one he was excited to live full time. Mentally he was in a far better place than he had been back then.
Nyx glanced down for a moment, his thoughts drifting down the path of their Old McDonald life as Bucky had put it. "Just us?" he put out as he looked back up at Bucky.
“I can’t promise that. I think a little weight on you would look nice,” he teased, drawing his flesh and blood hand down one of Nyx’s arms, deftly bypassing a newly cleaned cut on it. War and fighting and death had been Bucky’s life for way too long, but he remembered a life before that, a life where it was pretty girls, his best friend, and his loving family. A life where a little fat on your bones meant you were living good. And Bucky was desperate to have the unencumbered life again - well, as much as he could have of it given what Vallo would occasionally put them through.
He liked to think he had most aspects of that life back too. A partner he loved, his best friends at his side, and a loving family that he found all on his own. The only thing he felt like he was missing, outside of retirement, was tiny and baby shaped, the vague memories of his little sisters as babies coming to the surface. The older man was reminded of that when Nyx nudged him with that question.
“A rugrat or two wouldn’t be so bad,” Bucky said, trying to keep the longing out of his voice. They had talked about it a few times by now, but he was reluctant to push too hard about it, not wanting to influence his husband’s own opinions. He had stated what he had wanted and Nyx had agreed to think about it. “I know the nature of our life together is temporary at best, but I won’t lie about it. I want kids. More kids.” James and Torunn would always feel like his own, but they were grown now and didn’t need him like they used to back in Blackpoint.
"Good to know the six pack is optional," he said lightly, a teasing smile on his lips.
Nyx still had reservations, some of the same he'd brought up when they'd talked about kids before. But they were fading more and more - getting drowned out by the good parts of it all. Of the warm feeling he got when he thought about inviting that into their lives. That even with all the crazy Vallo could give it would still be a good life there in their house in the woods, animals everywhere, a whole world to explore out back.
"Starting to feel less temporary the longer we go on though," he pointed out. And if they stepped back from defense, took away at least that risk in their lives? Was there really much holding them back at that point? Nyx smiled warmly at his husband, wrapped his legs around Bucky's waist and pulled him in closer.
"And I know there's a lot to consider and a lot of details to work out, but," he leaned up, pressed another quick kiss to Bucky's lips. "I'd like to start seriously talking about all that." A pause as his smile turned playful. "You know, if we're planning on leaning hard into the true farm life thing, gotta have some kids to help out with the chores."
“I very much like licking every ridge of those abs, but that would apply to any kind of body you had,” Bucky said, letting Nyx get his share of touching and kissing in without complaint. It had taken years, but it was nice to finally have someone he was truly comfortable with, someone that he could touch and let touch without flashbacks to violence and conflict. It only took two universe hops to find each other, but the wait had been worth it.
And having to talk seriously about this, to discuss the details and the options they had available to them, that was worth it as well. Any discomfort he might have about the situation was settled easily because he knew that Nyx wouldn’t let him run head first into kids without seeing all the aspects of it. Yes, he knew the concerns. He shared most of them too. But he didn’t want to put his life on pause anymore, not when it felt like this life here in Vallo was becoming something permanent.
“I have spreadsheets. Reading material. Charts,” Bucky explained, barely resisting the urge to go grab his laptop to show Nyx the research he had done on adoption and surrogacy after their initial conversation about the topic. Instead, he hooked his hands into the waistband of Nyx’s pants and pulled him flush against him. “Whatever avenue you want to take, we have options and we can figure out what works for us.” Pressing a kiss to Nyx’s lips, he smiled. “But first, we have to retire.”
There was a raise of his brows as Bucky brought up charts, a teasing smirk on his lips. "That is both the nerdiest and hottest thing all at once and it's kind of hurting my brain," he teased lightly. It felt wholly different than the last time they'd broached the subject. Lacking the same trepidation and immediate panic. Instead it felt right. Warm. Filled him with a longing and excitement at the idea.
He lingered at the kiss, a little heat behind it with the closeness. "Hmm, no first I think it's you need to grab your husband and ice pack and take him to bed," he added, tone light. He stood up from the counter and winced a little as his muscles protested. "Alright, maybe two ice packs," he amended, snuck another kiss and then started out of the ensuite with Bucky.