WHO: Catra & Adora WHAT: Having an important talk WHEN: Early afternoon today WARNINGS: Just a lil drama, nothing bad STATUS: Complete
Okay, so this was starting to become a problem.
Adora wasnât really sure where this sudden mothering desire had come from if she was honest. Sure, sheâd always taken care of the people she loved, and sheâd always had a lot of responsibility. She definitely liked the idea of getting married, settling down, and having a family. She loved Catra, always had, and it felt like a natural thing to happen, especially now that theyâd been together for so long. She wasnât sure how she felt about all of it happening in Vallo â she had come to love this place, loved the friends who had become like a family to them, but she missed Etheria, too â but it was a nice thought. A thought that she wasnât ready to push for just yet but painted a very pretty picture of a potential someday.
But, like a switch had been flipped, the urge suddenly started smacking her in the face.
Everywhere she went, she saw babies. It was insane. There were even times she wondered if it was actually a thing Vallo was doing to them (because that was what Vallo did), but she knew it would have been all over the Outlander network if that was the case. It was just her own weird sickness â she was crouching down to say hello to babies in their strollers mid-patrol, waving at toddlers walking down the street with their parents, picking up little tiny things (that werenât even always baby related) and commenting on how adorable they were.
At first, she wasnât really conscious of how she was acting. It felt totally normal to her â babies were cute and so were tiny things, why shouldnât she find them adorable? But eventually, sheâd started catching the looks Catra was giving her when it happened: some weird mix of confusion and irritation and maybe a little bit of panic. Thatâs when she started realizing just how frequently it was happening. She tried to reel herself back and brush aside the intensity of what she was feeling, at least around Catra, but she wasnât always successful.
Three doors down from Annieâs, where theyâd decided to stop for some pumpkin spice (well, a sugar-filled monstrosity for Adora), was a huge storefront of baby stuff. The line had been forever long at Annieâs, and Catra had practically shoved Adora back out the door when she started to get fidgety waiting. So, sheâd wandered over to the baby store when sheâd seen a few racks of clothing on the sidewalk out front, with a Fall Clearance Sale sign perched on top of each. It was like a magnetic pull, and soon she was flipping through a row of onesies and plucking out one with a cute kitten on it.
âAww,â she murmured, cheesy grin breaking free as she held it up to look closer.
Why.
No, really. Why. Catra didnât get it either. When she had first caught a glimpse of Adora flat-out telling Dan that she wanted kids without consulting her she tried to shrug it off but couldnât and - well, ever since then there were these things she was beginning to notice. The sudden attentiveness Adora had to tiny, helpless things that were sometimes cute. Obsession with baby animals - kittens, especially. Here and there comments about jogging strollers (what the fuck), and Catra did her best to divert the subject to other things and pretend none of it was happening, except.
It didnât really work, not when she was stuck in this weird spiral of internal obsession and anxiety over it. Adora wanted kids, and she hadnât said anything about it to her and with who did she want kids with, exactly? Her, right? But they hadnât talked about it, and Catra couldnât picture it. Her and Adora and maybe a zoo and Melog, sure; that was easy to imagine. It had taken a while for her to even get used to the idea that she even had a future with Adora lined up (or that Adora even wanted one with her) but none of these domestic fantasies involved a goddamn kid, was the thing.
And what if that would be the one issue that would make or break them?
Which - okay. It was probably dumb to assume that. They were a package deal, had every intention of remaining permanent partners with or without the blessing of marriage. Adora was it for her, and Adora has assured her of the same thing. Adora had picked her despite the mess between them. She wouldnât, like, change her mind if Catra told her she didnât want kids.
Right? Yes??
Ugh.
It was an ugly insecurity that reared its ugly head again when Catra caught up to her, caffeinated seasonal beverages in her hands and claws almost poking holes in them with how tight her grip had become when she noticed just where Adora was. Now she was looking at baby clothing. Itty-bitty little pieces of fabric meant for squirmy newborns that Catra was sure neither of them would know how to hold right.
Her stomach did this uncomfortable, twisty thing before she cleared her throat and narrowed her eyes impatiently. âAdora,â she called out, but it sounded more like a warning. Her tail was restless. âWhat are you doing?â
Adora knew that tone very well. Usually, it was reserved for when she was being stupid or reckless, maybe with a touch more exasperation. She instinctively shoved the little outfit back on its rack and turned back to her girlfriend with a sheepish smile. One look told her Catra was irritated â the tail was always a dead giveaway, not to mention her face â and her face flushed.
âNothing, donât worry about it.â She returned to her girlfriendâs side, plucked her drink of sugary goodness out of her hand, and leaned in to kiss her. Catra seemed much more annoyed than she had been about these little things, but she hoped if she just brushed it off without comment they could both let it go. She felt like she was in trouble, and she didnât want to deal with it.
âWaypoint home?â she suggested, nodding to one not too far from them. She had a couple more hours of doggy daycare time before she had to go pick up Spirit. They hadnât had patrol today, but he usually went three times a week, anyway, to keep his socialization skills strong.
The kiss was placating. Adoraâs kisses usually were, and Catra felt some tension seep from her bones but not completely. Not enough for her to agree to carry on. She also didnât realize how aggravated she must have come across - the way her tone carried, her body language. It wasnât as if she was upset with her or anything, though the whole thing admittedly made her defensive. Like it was her instinct to expect the worst out of every situation.
Yeah, it was behavior she needed to shake off but - baby steps. Sheâd get there. Eventually.
âCan we talk?â she asked, forcing her tail to still as her brows furrowed. The look she had now was less irate. Maybe a little more worried, but her goal was to try and put herself into some kind of neutral mood territory so she wouldnât give off how wrecked sheâd been about this for the past few weeks.
Catra was kind of successful in that regard. Maybe.
Adora studied Catra for a moment, watching the way she tried to calm herself down. She looked concerned with her brows all knitted together like that, but it was an improvement. But if this discussion was going to happen (and it seemed pretty clear her attempted âlet it goâ strategy wasnât working in her favor this time), she still didnât want to have it here, in the open.
âWe can talk but at home,â she said firmly. âCome on, we can sit on the couch and talk. Please?â She was pleading a little bit with her eyes here, too. They had gotten better and more productive when they got into it, but she didnât want to risk getting heated in a public space. She took Catraâs free hand and gave her a gentle tug in the direction of the Waypoint.
Oh, so this was a home conversation. Okay. Yeah. That made sense. It was kind of serious, so - home it was. Catra could already feel the knots in her stomach become nausea even before hitting the Waypoint but she let Adora take her hand easily, letting her pull her along until - WHOOSH. Their scenery changed in an instant from urban city sprawl to the shifting and scenic of the forest, right in front of the stationed space vessel they had made their home.
âI need to finish that bike,â Catra strained out, as if she was struggling to keep the contents of her stomach inside where they belonged and not like, splattered over the grass. Her words were as wobbly as her legs and it took a few seconds for that sickness to pass. Goddamnit did she hate those things, hated anything that was even remotely close to teleporting despite itâs obvious conveniences but whatever.
She was fine. Everything was fine. F-i-n-e. She sipped her drink just to get something cold down her throat and help ease the general feeling of gross. âLetâs go.â
Adora knew teleportation was not Catraâs favorite thing in the world. Most of the time, she didnât mind walking everywhere with her, but there were times that the Waypoints were just more convenient. And if Catra was determined to have this conversation, the quickest way to get home and have it was to grab the Waypoint. Still, she was sympathetic to her girlfriendâs plight. She gently rubbed between her shoulder blades while she took a second to recover. Unfortunately, it never seemed to get any easier for her. Maybe it would if she didnât use them so rarely, but she wasnât going to push.
Up Darlaâs ramp they went to the closed and locked front door. A quick retinal scan and the door slid open to the side, securely closing and locking again behind them. They werenât currently in any imminent danger, and Darlaâs shields had been pretty amped up when she arrived (probably due to all of Entraptaâs work on her), but Adora preferred to be cautious. The ramp stayed down, but permissions for the door were under their discretion.
Once they were inside, they headed into their little makeshift living room and Adora dropped right down on the huge, comfy sectional. She took a sip of her drink and set it aside on the coffee table before looking up at her girlfriend, her shoulders a little tense. She had an inkling of how this conversation was going to go, but she was trying not to get prematurely defensive. That was how things got bad between them quickly.
âOkay. So. What do you want to talk about?â It may come off like she was playing dumb, but it really wasnât that. She just didnât want to be the one to broach the subject.
Catra shed the crop-top leather jacket sheâd been wearing - it felt hot in here all of a sudden, and not even in a sexy way. It left her in clothing that was sinfully tight (her usual style, deal with it) and showed off her striped arms. Usually, sheâd claim the spot right next to Adora and leave zero space between them but for this, she sat at a distance. An arm was stretched across the back of the couch, her legs crossed, and she looked effortlessly casual with a hint of annoyance at her girlfriendâs what do you want to talk about inquiry.
âWhen,â she started, right as Melog began to trot into the living room. Except they stopped, mane shifting into a color that was kind of green (an outward expression of the state of Catraâs stomach), then some red (her irritation), and promptly decided to walk back out to mind their own business. âWere you going to tell me you wanted to have kids?â
It wasnât an aggressive question, exactly. The whole thing caught Catra off guard and kept catching her off guard and it was officially this enormous elephant (with a pacifier in its fucking mouth) in the room that needed to be properly addressed. But her tone was a bit grave, and skeptical, and most of all concerned.
There was a hint of disappointment in Adoraâs expression when Catra purposefully put some distance between them, but it was expected. This was a serious, tension-filled conversation, she knew that before even getting started. No cuddling for her just yet. But then she had the nerve to just look so casual, while Adora had basically folded into herself, hands clasped tightly in her lap, feet firmly on the ground.
It didnât help that the tone Catra took was pretty negative. Not outright angry or aggressive, but again, Adora felt like she was in trouble. That could very well be her own projection, though. She had been struggling to keep all these overwhelming feelings to herself because she knew it wasnât something they were ready to talk about. Yes, theyâd agreed on forever and she intended to honor that no matter what. But that meant no matter how weirdly heart-eyes she was for babies right now, she knew it wasnât time to bring it up.
Now, apparently, sheâd forced herself into a corner. And part of her was relieved sheâd have no choice but to get what she was feeling out, but another part of her just wanted to shove the genie back into the bottle (or whatever the stupid American saying was that people always said on TV shows). No matter how much theyâd progressed in their relationship, and how much better they were at communicating, this just felt like a ticking time bomb.
With a sigh, she reached back to pull her hair out of its loose ponytail â it was getting longer again and she was defaulting back to ponytails, despite Catra constantly chastising her and pulling it free. Her hand raked through blonde locks and ended up tucking it all back behind her ears.
âI donât know,â she admitted. âWhen it was relevant, I guess.â Lame answer, maybe, but it was true.
This was a weird situation. An unprecedented one too, as Catra never thought theyâd need to have this discussion. But maybe it wasnât also fair for her to make the assumption that Adora wouldnât want kids, either. She was now getting into the groove of wanting things, carving out a life for herself with all the things she wanted now that she wasnât a doomed martyr meant to give it all up for the entire universe.
And now, the possibilities for them are endless.
Catra watched her carefully, all guarded eyes and pinched brows. Adora was in tune with her own nervous habits and Catra was with hers too - she was tense, very clearly didnât want to have this conversation (hence the arguably lame answer) and maybe it was because she was scared of what the response would be. It wasnât like she was bouncing around gushing over baby onesies and obsessing over toddlers, too.
âYou didnât think it was worth mentioning when you told Dan about when you were going to be a mom?â she prodded further. The drink was still in her other hand but barely consumed. âAm I just - not part of the equation or something?â
That was a dumb conclusion to jump to. Catra knew it was so stupid, and yet she still had this unfortunate habit of letting her insecurities slip out in a bit of a hissy way and once the words came out they were instantly regretted.
Adoraâs spine went rigid and her jaw clenched. She was absolutely radiating aggravation, partly in response to Catraâs tone but mostly to exactly what she was saying. She was already on edge and now she felt like she was being accused of something. It wasnât a fun feeling, and it took her lifting her hand and pinching the bridge of her nose to keep from snapping immediately. Why were they having this conversation again?
âOf course youâre part of the equation,â she said, her voice quiet and a bit stiff. She was clearly getting upset and trying to mask it (badly). But she knew exactly the conversation Catra was referring to because it was part of what had kickstarted the âkids would be goodâ introspection thing sheâd had going on lately. âDo you think Iâd consider something like this with anyone else? But itâs not like itâs something thatâs gonna happen tomorrow, so I wasnât worried about it.â
Her lips pressed together in a flatline instantly, stopping all the wrong words that threatened to spill out because Catra had to choose, carefully, the right ones to say in this. If the right ones even existed. If they were even the ones Adora wanted to hear.
Logically, no, she didnât think Adora would want this with anyone else, and implying otherwise wasnât fair. It was just Catra being Catra, and her illogical doubts and snippiness that she sometimes struggled to contain. So, sheâd start with this: âSorry,â she sighed, ears taking a dip down low. Her eyes looked away. âI know nothingâs going to happen immediately but - youâve been thinking about it, and itâs been obvious, and you havenât said anything to me. It feels likeâŠâ
Blargh. Catra didnât want her drink anymore, and when she leaned forward to set it on top of the coffee table she ended up staying that way. Elbows on her knees, hands scrubbing down her face from nerves. âIt feels like youâre making plans that include me without even really including me.â
Oddly, when Catraâs position shifted and she went from being a little pushy to mirroring Adora, kind of curling into herself, tension started to bleed out of her. And it made sense, what she was saying. Sheâd felt left out and like Adora was making big decisions without talking to her. That hadnât been her intention â to her, there was nothing solid about any of what she was thinking about, not right now â but she could see why it felt that way to Catra.
Tentatively, she got up and crossed over closer to Catra, dropping down beside her and slipping her arm around her shoulders. She gave her a squeeze, not holding her too tightly or for too long, and stroked down her arm, her hand covering a stripe.
âI didnât mean it like that,â she assured her softly. âI really didnât. I do â like, I think I want kids. With you, obviously. But I didnât mean for it to be right now or anything like that. Maybe in the future, though? I think it would be pretty cool, thatâs all.â
Sure, they didnât know the first thing about being parents. But maybe they did, a little bit? They had animals (which were obviously not babies, exactly, but they were creatures that totally depended on them, so not too far off). Theyâd managed to keep Spirit and Ivy alive this long. Maybe they could handle a kid. Or a few, maybe.
Adoraâs touch wasnât unwelcomed. Really, it was what caused a purr to erupt - nothing obviously loud but soft and subtle, her body deciding it wanted to relay that she felt safe for whatever reason. Stupid genetics. ââIt would be pretty cool,ââ Catra repeated with a snort and a chuckle. Leave it to her to describe something as momentous and life-changing like having a kid together as âpretty cool.â
Maybe it would be. Itâs not like she hated kids or anything. Her track record with them was decent, and since she vividly recalled what it was like to be a mistreated kid for various reasons (especially for her more animalistic tendencies) she tried to actively not do that. Still, raising one wasnât supposed to be something she would ever be in charge of. She had told Adora that she was sure she had no maternal bone in her body for a kid the last time they were at the Fright Zone.
âI want you to have everything you want,â she went on with another sigh, blinking those mismatched eyes up to her. âI donât want to be the person that tells you that you canât have something you really want, you know? I just donât know if Iâll ever want⊠that.â
It wasnât a no. It wasnât a yes, either. But her confession barely scratched the surface of the other underlying issues, like how she was pretty sure that someone as fucked up as her had no business raising anyone. If she said yes, what would happen if she was outright terrible at it? What if she fucked whoever this kid would be up?
Maybe it was easier to go with saying she didnât want it to avoid the risks.
Adora couldnât deny that hearing Catra say she wasnât sure sheâd want kids stung a bit. But it was also kind of expected. This conversation would have been all sunshine and rainbows from the very beginning if Catra was in complete agreement with her and just thought her weird baby fever was adorable. There had been tension and defensiveness and annoyance on both sides because it was a contentious topic. Their opinions differed. And as much as that sucked, it was hardly the first time.
Plus, there were other issues at hand, as there always were. Adora liked to fantasize that theyâd be totally natural parents and that taking care of pets and a kid was the same level of responsibility, but she knew it would be harder. And she knew their parental examples were few and far between and mostly bad. It was a confidence shaker, maybe more so for Catra than for her right now. But that wasnât to say that couldnât change on a bad day.
Her free hand raised to Catraâs cheek, thumb passing over a smattering of freckles as their eyes met. âEverything I want is you, Catra. You know that. If thatâs really something you donât want...â She shrugged briefly, pressing a kiss to the corner of her girlfriendâs lips. âI still have you, and thatâs what matters to me more than anything.â
Catra did know that. Hearing it though - it was nice. The reassurance didnât hurt. Her insides still kind of did, though. They had worked hard to be on the same page and talk things out. It wasnât always perfect, but the point was that they were trying and it was going well and hitting bumps was normal, except she didnât expect one of these bumps to be a baby bump.
âItâs still weird to think that we have a future together,â she admitted as she leaned into her hand. The purring intensified a little, and she sat up to face Adora more directly. âObviously not in a bad way, you know that - but when Iâve pictured it, it was always us and all these pets you keep wanting to bring home. A kid is a lot. A kid changes everything.â Catra winced. âSo give me time, I guess? We can talk about it again in a few months if thatâs okay.â
Not that she was expecting them to find a kid to make theirs in the next month, or even in the next couple years. She needed time to warm up to the idea, and think. Really think about it. Research a lot. Go to therapy. Soul search. Babysit someone. Fuck if she knew.
Adora nodded, snuggling in closer to feel Catraâs purrs reverberating against her. âThatâs more than okay.â She nudged their foreheads together and stole a quick kiss. Sheâd gotten herself all worked up and defensive, but that was simmering down now. Sheâd been expecting some kind of unholy argument, but this was fine. Nothing too heated, all resolved as peacefully as possible. She was genuinely more than okay with this being a long conversation. Catra wasnât even 21 yet. They barely felt like adults, sometimes, especially here in Vallo. She meant it when she said she wasnât expecting anything immediately.
âIâm sorry,â she breathed out after a moment. âI shouldnât have gotten so defensive, and - youâre right. I should have talked to you sooner about what I was thinking. It just didnât seem like a big deal, and it wasnât urgent, and I really just didnât want to freak you out. Iâm really happy the way we are. You know that, right?â
This position wouldnât work anymore. Catra wanted something cozier, which is why she decided to shove Adora into the couch more so she could settle comfortably under her arm. Her legs were brought up, curling beneath her and making her seem like this small, pouty thing. âItâs okay,â she assured with a little grumble. âAnd I know - I donât doubt us, not usually. Sometimes I get stuck in my head but Iâm sure about us and what we have. I am.â
She trusted Adora, more than anyone. She wasnât holding onto grudges or old heartbreaks. Adora wanted her even if it didnât make sense sometimes (or most of the time). Catra wanted to be someone that was good for her too, which was why she tried not to let this whole thing escalate into a hot mess. Years had been spent and wasted being angry and sure - they argued like an old married couple (usually over dumb things) but she didnât want this to be a fight that left a bad taste in their mouth.
Her head leaned back into Adoraâs shoulder to meet her eyes again. âCan you tell me what the appeal is, though? With you suddenly wanting to become aâŠâ The word felt weird to say when she said it earlier, and it still felt weird to say it now. âMom?â
Adora didnât resist one bit, leaning back into the couch and curling both arms around Catra properly. The tension between them had fully dissipated and she felt like she could breathe again. She even started smiling a bit, dropping a kiss on Catraâs forehead when she assured her she was sure about them. It was one of those things she knew, but she liked hearing it, anyway.
Her fingers instantly found their way into Catraâs mane, carding gently through the long locks, just content to be still together and know they had resolved this to a good enough point. She didnât expect Catra to keep going, but she didnât tense up this time when she did. It was a fair question to ask and one she wasnât even sure she had a full answer to, but sheâd try.
âI guessâŠI like the idea of having someone thatâs ours. And maybe being able to do better for them than Shaâyou know who ever did for us?â Maybe that wasnât a good answer, but it was honestly how she felt. She wanted to have a chance at giving a kid a good life from the start, giving them a chance to have their own path and make their own choices like she and Catra hadnât been able to for so long.
You know who. As if the name was cursed and if you spoke it into the universe, the bitch would materialize from the shadows to haunt them again. Catra suppressed a snort but let her explain, claw tips ghosting across Adoraâs stomach through the fabric of her shirt. She still didnât really get the appeal herself but at least she was figuring out where she was coming from with this.
âItâs a lot of responsibility,â she countered, not trying to dissuade her from it. Catra was just trying to discuss it in practical terms even if her insides still felt all weird about it. Her cheek squished into her shoulder, eyes still blinking at her. âI mean, thatâs a whole ass person to care for. That doesnât get you even a little nervous?â
Adora hummed thoughtfully and shrugged a bit. That was a fair point to bring up. âYeah, I guess it does. I know itâs probably a lot. But itâs just a thought right now. Weâll have time to be prepared before we actually take the leap, right?â
She knew she wasnât really taking in the reality of the situation right now, but of course she wasnât. It hadnât gotten out of the fantasy phase yet, and she didnât want it to. Maybe it would be real someday, but it wasnât like it was happening in the near future. Catra still needed time to figure out how she felt about it, and if she got on board, then sheâd worry about the real intricacies of the situation.
Huh. So casual about it. Adora was always over-analytical about a lot of things - like their first date, the plans for it looking like her girlfriend was planning to take them out to battle - that this cavalier attitude about it was surprising. Surprising in a good way, which Catra didnât really understand but maybe itâs because she had some fluttery feelings about the idea that Adora was thinking about this. That this was something Adora would want with her if Catra wanted it too.
It was still a very big if, but. Who knows.
âYouâre such a goober,â Catra rolled her eyes. That hand that had been toying over her stomach snaked up to cradle her cheek and direct her face closer to hers - it was for a kiss, since she was realizing sheâd been so stunned about this whole thing that she hadnât been giving Adora any kisses back. What a travesty. âIâll make a prepared decision sometime in the future, then. I promise.â
Adora smiled as she leaned into the kiss and lifted her hand to cover Catraâs as she looked into her eyes. âThereâs no rush,â she murmured earnestly, eyes wide with sincerity. âIâll be here no matter when and what you decide.â
For once, she wasnât stressed about this decision and she meant what she said. There was no reason to rush, no matter how crazy heart-eyes her hormones were making her. They could take their time getting comfortable with the idea, and if in the end, it came down to a no on Catraâs end, she would be fine. Because sheâd still have Catra, and that was all sheâd wanted for as long as she could remember â even if it had taken her a while to realize it.