WHO Quentin Coldwater and Julia Wicker WHERE The Physical Kids' Cottage WHEN Monday evening WHAT Q finds out Things about his future STATUS Complete WARNINGS Language, talk of death, brief mention of suicide
Julia descended the stairs at the cottage, eager to look up something she'd thought about the night before while trying to sleep. It had eluded her all morning, she just knew there was something she wanted to research, frustrating her as she went about the day until she'd finally remembered.
Quentin was working at the table, and she greeted him, but found him distracted. So naturally, she asked him what he was doing and then walked over to take a look, finding him staring at a page with a logo reading The Magicians. It was the episode summary that really caught her attention and she asked, "Q, what are you doing?" She didn't mean the words to come out harshly, but they did, and her previous thoughts had once again scattered.
It’s not like he had any reason to hide the fact that he was going to read up on their lives since it was readily available thanks to the internet. Because why wouldn’t it be? He’d been told there were books and a TV show and that the show lined up more with what they’d all experienced, so Quentin being Quentin, he was going to research it.
He’d been in the middle of reading one of the episode breakdowns from early season 3 when Julia’s question broke through his focus. He jumped a little and stammered for a brief moment, setting the page down. “Just, um, reading.” His response was casual, despite the tone that had been in her voice when she asked. “What’s up?”
"Why?" she asked, looking directly at him. "There's no point in knowing the future, Q. Not while you're here, and I'm here. And Margo and Eliot." More too, but she wasn't going to list them all off. "Not when we can't change anything."
She briefly considered sitting down at her computer and letting it drop, but she couldn't, knowing that he may have printed up the future she didn't want him to know, but even more so, she didn't want him to find out from some episode recap from the internet. So she stood there in what equated to a challenge, attempting to get him to give up that quest to know what was in store.
“What’s the harm in it, Jules?” Q couldn’t figure out why this was such a big deal — and no one was telling him anything, either. He picked the page back up to keep reading despite her standing there in some sort of face off.
But he couldn’t focus now and after a few moments set the page back down with a bit of a sigh. “Look, I know whatever is in here,” he said with a gesture toward the pages on the table, “isn’t my future here but what does it matter if I read up on it?” He paused then and glanced up at her, taking a chance to study her face when he said his next words. “Unless some really awful shit happens?”
He already suspected he was dead in his world. Was he going to get confirmation of that?
Maybe.
"When is really awful shit not happening?'' she asked. "Our lives have already been full of awful shit." He knew what she had been through already. "And I know you, you're too much like me, and I'm telling you that it made it worse for me knowing, and even worse knowing that Margo's future is different than Fen's and what's on the show. Because I can't know."
Kady had been right, after all. She wanted to know, even as much as she kept telling herself she didn't.
"Just trust me, it's not worth it."
She wasn’t wrong. He knew exactly what sort of awful shit she’d already been through in their world and now he was in the process of reading how killing Ember had made all of magic get cut off and how they ended up on a quest for seven keys to restore it.
But all that did was make him want to keep reading. He wanted to know, even if what he was going to read wasn’t exactly his future.
It was close enough.
Q shifted in his seat a little, a quiet air of frustration beginning to come over him. The more she persisted, the more he wanted to keep going. “What are you trying to keep from me then? Because I’d sure as hell rather hear it from you or Eliot than read it and it feels like everyone is avoiding some massive elephant in the room that I know nothing about whenever I’m around.”
"Have you thought about just not reading it or needing to hear it from either of us?" Julia asked, voice tightening as she spoke. She didn't want to tell him but if the roles were reversed? She'd be in his shoes, wanting to know.
But that didn't mean it was going to be any better if he knew at all. Frustrated, she ran a hand through her hair, staring at him. "Sometimes it's better not to know. Just be happy you're here, with us. Why can't you do that?"
That wasn't fair and she knew it. It wasn't even an answer to his question. But she kept going anyway. "You don't need to know everything. So stop."
“No, actually, because you know me better than that.” Q nearly rolled his eyes in annoyance, but stopped, a hand coming up to anxiously tuck his hair back behind an ear. He hated arguing with Julia, but this was becoming increasingly frustrating. Why couldn’t she just let him do what he wanted?
He let out a quiet huff and shoved the pages off to the side, gesturing, as if asking ‘there, are you happy?’ But then his eyebrows furrowed. “What happens? Do I die or something? Because that’s how all of you are acting. Just be happy you’re here makes it sound like I’m not around in our world and--” He cut himself off with a sigh.
She would have been happy even if she did know him better, that he wouldn't be able to keep himself from reading what happened, and he deserved to know, not from some website, but from her or Eliot and it looked like she held the short straw on this one.
"Yes," she said, her eyes already filling, but she didn't look away from him. "That's what we didn't want you to know, alright? In Fen's future and on the show, you die. You sacrifice yourself." Because her and Eliot were monsters or possessed or something, the details weren't all that clear to her so she didn't offer up an explanation. The idea that he'd done this for her had been too much and she hadn't looked into it further. That sort of guilt would have been overwhelming, even if she hadn't actually lived through it.
"Margo told me that my first day here and it fucked me up, because suddenly I had a scenario where in one future you were gone and in the other you weren't." She took a step back and looked away, bringing a hand up to wipe away the few tears that she couldn't hold back.
"Then you showed up and didn't know anything about it and I wanted to keep it that way." Only her and Eliot had done a shit job of acting like nothing was wrong, especially those first couple of days.
She didn't even try to stop the next few tears that fell, but she didn't tell him she had watched it, that she could still hear that damn song, that she'd watched the next scene too where they'd all said goodbye. That it was the grief and pain from losing him that restored her magic to her.
"And this is stupid because you're right here and I haven't even lived any of this out but…" She didn't want to imagine a future without him.
There was a bittersweet feeling that came over him when she finally answered ‘yes’ to his question. Relieved to finally know the truth, but he hated to see her so upset over it. Though he understood it; grief was a weird, fucked up thing, and even if you hadn’t directly experienced something, just knowing it was enough.
Quentin was quiet as he listened to her explain -- it sounded like he wasn’t dead in Margo’s timeline, so at least there was that. Plus he was here, like she’d said. Safe and alive. He didn’t know the context of what this sacrifice was that she mentioned, but somehow it… didn’t really surprise him. Q had always cared more about his friends than himself. Those were just facts.
He carefully stood then and closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around her shoulders tightly and hugging her to him. He wanted to thank her for telling him, because even if having that sort of confirmation did suck, he was glad he finally knew.
Now everyone could stop acting like it was some big secret that he wasn’t allowed in on.
Considering she had just told Quentin that there was a good chance he would die in the near future if he wasn't here, it seemed odd that he was the one comforting her. But she hugged him back, and forced herself back to the present rather than dwelling on potential futures.
"Sorry," she said. "I wish I didn't know, but if Margo hadn't told me, I'd have looked it up anyway." So she understood why he'd wanted to know even though they'd all probably be better off not knowing.
"I just don't want to face a future without you, you know?"
She paused, as she finally pulled back against his embrace and then laughed, unable to hold it back. "This is a really surreal conversation, Q."
The thing was, he’d spent so much of his life in recent years thinking that he was the most useless person alive and wishing he was dead, that hearing that he was? At least in the future in his world? It had a strange effect on him. One where he wasn’t particularly emotional about the news and maybe even a little at peace with it. More than most people probably would be, anyways.
“You don’t need to be sorry, Jules,” he said quietly, pressing a kiss to her hair as he held her.
When she pulled back and laughed, he gave her one of those small but genuine sort of Quentin smiles. “It is really surreal, but that’s okay. I’m glad you told me.” Maybe glad wasn’t the right word. “Er, well, I appreciate that you told me, anyways.” Better.
“And at least while we’re both here, you don’t have to worry about any sort of future without me in it, I promise.”
"Good," Julia said, feeling almost relieved that he knew, and that he seemed to be handling it better than her. She hadn't particularly enjoyed keeping that from him, or worrying that he'd find out.
"If you still want to know the rest, ask Margo when she gets back. Don't read it." Maybe Eliot would cave and tell him, but he was in the same situation as she was, they'd only heard about it without living it.
Margo was probably his best bet.
Mm, he’d definitely have to think about that. Margo might know a lot about what happens, but she also tended to be a lot more straightforward about things and while that might be good for some aspects, he wasn’t sure he wanted it for this.
He still gave her a smile though and tucked his hair back behind his ear again. “I’m probably gonna finish up reading on this episode,” he said, turning a little at the waist to gesture toward the page he’d been reading when she showed up. “Just because I don’t want to leave it half-read. So, please don’t yell at me about that, okay? I’ll ask Margo about the rest.”
"Sure, or I can get you through the end of that season," Julia replied, relenting, but only because she'd lived it or had the memories "gifted" to her by Vallo. "I mean, you can finish reading that page, and then I can tell you exactly how I became a goddess and how you led us all in song."
It was her turn to offer him a small smile. "If you want."
Oh. That was a much better offer and one he hadn’t been expecting at all, which was probably evident by the look on his face and the way his hand dropped, the nervousness dissipating.
“Are you sure?”
Though leading them in song? Weird. He was definitely curious and wondered what that was all about. “I’m almost done with it, so it shouldn’t take me too long, if you’re actually willing to do that…”
Julia nodded. "I'd want you to do the same for me, but I only feel comfortable talking about what I've actually lived out, or… Vallo gave me some memories. Not many but..." She could fill him in through the seven keys quest, up to the point she remembered, which fortunately left out what would happen to Eliot after.
"I'm going to get a drink though, you want one?" That would give him time to finish reading, and her a chance to think of where to start.
Quentin nodded. It wouldn’t have been fair for him to ask her to divulge any more than what she knew from firsthand experience -- though his eyebrows furrowed a little in confusion when she mentioned memories. He could ask about that later.
“A drink would be good. Just… something simple, I guess? I don’t need anything strong right now.” Not yet, anyway. He gave her a sweet, closed mouth smile and gestured a bit toward his mess of papers on the table before going to sit back down where he had been. “I’ll finish up what I was reading and then you can tell me what you know beyond wherever this leaves off.”
Though honestly, a part of him wondered if she was going to omit things. Would there be a reason for that now that he knew The Big Secret, though? He wasn’t sure.
"I'll grab you a beer," Julia said with the slightest trace of a smirk, heading first to the kitchen to get one, before moving back out to pour herself something stronger. She hadn't been anticipating this conversation, it wouldn't hurt to help it along.
She took her time, allowing him to finish reading before joining him at the table and sliding the open bottle over. "Alright," she offered. "I only know things from my perspective, and from what you told me, but I'll do my best." Now that he knew what she considered the worst of it, she was ready to be honest, which she probably should have done when he'd first asked.
But maybe she hadn't been ready then, either. It wasn't like anything ever went easy for either of them, after all.