gladiolus amicitia (cupnoods) wrote in valloic, @ 2020-03-31 19:31:00 |
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While it was nice - more than nice really - having Ignis around again, Gladio couldn't help but feel like their reunion was shadowed by the missing years between them. Not that Ignis wasn't still Ignis, and really Ignis in his twenties had always been far more mature than the whole lot of them. It was more the things that happened in the years from where Ignis was to where Gladio was. The little things and the one big thing.
Gladio knew he had to tell Ignis. It had never really been a question to him. He knew Ignis better than he knew anyone else really. He knew well enough to know Ignis would want to know. And well, maybe there was a small little spark of hope in it. A small little idea that Gladio clung to, as much as he knew it probably wasn't the way this worked, that Ignis - should he be sent back - might remember his time here. Might remember being told that Noctis died. And with that knowing might be able to change it. Years, he would have years to do so. Not the mere days they had been given with Noctis after he came out of the crystal.
He waited until it was a day he wasn't teaching, knowing Noctis still would head to his own job. Cleaned up from breakfast, fed the dog, and then put a kettle on for tea - while he'd never been much of a tea guy himself, he figured why not, seemed to be the thing Noct turned to for heavy conversations and he'd take anything at this point. Once the water was ready he took the kettle to the island in the kitchen and poured water into the two glasses he'd set out for him and Ignis.
"I need to tell you something," Gladio started as he set the kettle back down and moved to rest his arms on the island, standing across from Ignis. "About what's going to happen, back home," he clarified.
There were things going unsaid, and Ignis knew it. But there was a time for these things and Ignis hadn't been sure when that time was.
He'd started to get accustomed to being here though. He'd made friends with the dog, though they hadn't yet established how it could not trip him when it said hello. And learned his way around the space he was occupying now, read back through the network to try to get a sense of the people here.
And he hadn't pushed for more than that, though there were things that were beginning to nag at him.
He couldn't help but smile, even if it was strained, when Gladio just announced what he wanted to say. Leave it to Gladio to just be forthright and blunt. He'd missed that, since they lost Noctis. "I thought you might," he said. "I'll listen to whatever you think needs to be said."
For the most part Gladio had been trying hard not to think on what he was about to tell Ignis. And for the most part, it worked. It was there of course, it was always there. The guilt at being alive when Noctis wasn't. The shame of failing at his duty in life. Of failing Noctis. Of failing Ignis and Prompto. But the life he'd carved out for himself here, the one he was certain he did not deserve, had been a good distraction from the usual noise of his thoughts.
Though now all of that all but screamed at him.
Needs to be said... and how poignant that was really. This was nothing Gladio wanted to say. Pain he did not want to pass along to Ignis. Pain he would much rather spare Ignis of, wanted to spare Ignis of. But like so much of their lives, the want took a backseat to the need. And Ignis needed all the information Gladio could give him.
"Ten years, Ignis," he started, a heaviness to his voice as he spoke, even more so than the few quiet moments he had allowed himself in the wake of Insomnia's fall and the death of his father. "He's in the crystal for ten years."
Gladio paused, reached a hand across the top of the island and laid it on Ignis'. They had never been overly touchy with each other, but it felt like the right thing to do then. Or maybe he'd just gotten so used to touch as a comfort with Noctis now that it felt strange not to fall into it with Ignis. "So that leaves you with seven to stop what happened if you get back home."
He ran his other hand over his face and then behind his neck. Gladio was no stranger to difficult conversations with Ignis. It was part of their jobs. But this - this was more than difficult. It was downright devastating. And for the life of him the words couldn't come, so he fell instead to the part of the prophecy Noctis had shared with them during that final campfire. "Many sacrificed all for the King, so the King must sacrifice himself for all."
The hand Gladio dropped on his felt heavy, not because of the size of Gladio's hand, but because of the weight of the words and mood behind it. Ignis wasn't used to Gladio touching him anymore, not often. And even before, it hadn't been as frequent as Noctis, or even Prompto. But it had been there. Now it startled him and held his attention, head bowing a little toward their hands, like he'd be watching them if he could see.
"Ten years," he repeated. Ten years of the dark. Of scrambling to get by, of desperately keeping the deamons at bay from their little islands of artificial light. Ten years without Noctis. Without one another, maybe? Or just living on the fringes of one another's lives, as they'd seemed to be settling in to doing now. "Does he remember?" he asked.
"Stop it." Ignis mulled that over. No one could accuse Ignis of being anything but quick on the uptake. He knew what it was Gladio wanted him to stop even before he said the last line. "He dies. And you want me to stop it. How? Is there a way to go back?" Noctis dies to save them all and bring back the sun, and here they were trying to think of how to undo it. Or find a way around it. It wasn't as if Ignis hadn't done it before. "How is he here?" he asked, barely loud enough to be heard.
"I don't know," he answered, his voice thick with the helplessness of that. "I don't know if we can go back, some people have left but I don't know where they go, where we would go if we weren't here. I don't know if you would even remember if you did get sent back to the moment you were taking from…." There were so many unanswered questions about all of this, it was enough to drive anyone crazy really. For the most part Gladio tried not to think about the inner workings of it all. He had Noctis, he had Eddie, and now Ignis. He didn't want to go anywhere so he tried to ignore that he might not get a choice in the matter.
Now though, now it was almost all he could think of. Could Ignis go back, could Ignis remember, could Ignis find a way to stop Noctis' death.
"I failed him, Ignis," and his voice cracked at that, broken with the guilt and grief he still carried around, even here. "But if there's even the smallest chance that one day you might get sent back to the moment you were taken from, that you'll remember everything here…" Gladio trailed off. "I have to take it."
Gladio let out a slow breath, as though struggling to maintain himself in the conversation. As much as his own pain in discussing all of this threatened to pull him under, he knew he couldn't. There was a question that needed to be answered first.
"He's - he's okay, Iggy," Gladio started. "I don't know how much of being in the crystal he remembers - of dying - but he remembers enough. He - uh - he'll space out sometimes. Disassociate really. Touch helps if he does," because he knew Ignis would want to know that, how to help. "A hand on his shoulder or his back, talking to him helps, he might not act like he's hearing it but he does." And despite the why of all of this, talking to Ignis about it felt familiar.
"He has trouble sleeping from time to time," Gladio paused. "It was - uh - worse… before we…" he paused again, restarted. "It helps him to have someone there."
For just a second, Ignis' shoulders hunched a little, as they so rarely did. The expectation of that, of hoping he could find a way back and fix things, save Noct, undo what Gladio remembered happening - it felt like too much. What would it mean? Would the Gladio who had lived through it vanish? Would Noct that was here? And how was he meant to manage it? He'd borrowed the power of Kings once to save Noctis, and he'd paid for it. But he'd always thought he might have found a better way, if he'd just played along with Ardyn, maybe, strung along for time to think of something else and see if he could change things. "I saw what would be, once. One of the last things I did see. I knew ... but I always hoped to be wrong," Ignis said quietly.
He squeezed Gladio's hand hard. "We failed him. But I'll do what I can, to find a way." He didn't know how, but he could throw himself against that wall until something gave.
He nodded slowly. "I'll remember that." He hated that Noctis had to feel like that, but if that was how he felt now, Ignis would do what he could to help. It seemed pitifully inadequate.
Ignis took that in. He was, still, quick enough to pick up on details. Gladio cut himself off, and then said that Noctis slept better with someone else. It wasn't completely unexpected - Ignis had suspected a little last night, from the sound of footsteps, but he hadn't been sure. "The two of you spend your nights together," he said - a fact, rather than a question.
It was ... complicated. Ignis wasn't petty enough to not be glad the two of them had one another. But there had always been an unspoken agreement that Noctis was ... not someone they could pursue. Ignis had assumed that also extended to one another, and to Prompto. Ignis was too caught in his duty to ever have stepped over the boundaries he set. But that didn't stop his heart from wanting what it had wanted. So he had to batten down a flash of hurt and resentment, a beat of envy before he could speak again. But his voice was even when he added. "I'm glad you had each other." It was true. It just wasn't the whole truth.
The truth was really that the world itself had failed them. All of them. But it was a truth Gladio had trouble seeing, instead only seeing where he failed. So much so that even when Ignis said what he had seen Gladio only saw it as failure on his own part. Not being there enough for Ignis so Ignis would feel like he could share, not asking even if he had no clue he should have. He squeezed Ignis' hand back. "I know you will," he replied. If the opportunity was given at least.
Gladio pulled his hand back and took a moment to take a drink from his mug as Ignis put the pieces of his changed relationship with Noctis together. He knew it was maybe a shock. That it went against all the rules - both spoken and unspoken - that had been handed down to him and Ignis for years. Their whole lives really.
He longed to come clean to Ignis, to tell him that his feelings didn't stop at Noctis. That what he felt for Noctis, what they were building together - he wanted that with Ignis too. But somehow it didn't seem right in that moment, fresh off everything else. Not when Ignis would need time to come to terms with that, time to even just let his sudden relocation in general settle.
And maybe, well, maybe he was a little terrified of the prospect. He'd had months with Noctis before saying anything. Months of falling into a little domestic routine, of evenings on the couch with Noctis curling up in his space, of acting like a couple without really being one. Whatever confidence he'd had of his feelings being returned, or if not of them not changing anything, he'd had with Noctis - he didn't feel that here. Not then at least.
"You have us too, Ignis," was about as close as he felt comfortable to getting to the truth then. And something he felt needed to be said. Nothing would change that. And more than anything Gladio wanted to make sure that was known. He reached his hand across again and gave Ignis' a squeeze. "I know things got a little - off track - with us, with everything," and while some of that had just been the logistics of being spread too thin in a world gone dark, Gladio knew he could have done better, he wanted to do better. "But I'm here, I'll always be here for you, Iggy."
The truth was rarely going to make a dent with men like Gladio and Ignis, who took their duties so seriously and had their hearts and souls engaged and tied up around them.
It was almost visible, the way Ignis was reassembling things in his head, putting pieces he'd thought he knew the place of into their new slots. He'd need to adjust. If nothing else, whatever they'd carved out here for themselves was for them, and Ignis would need to find a space of his own, so he wasn't intruding, sooner or later.
Ignis smiled. "I know that I do." He believed that, he just also knew there would be inevitable dynamic changes - the time between them, the relationships shifting. He would find his balance he just hadn't. Yet. "You were caring for the world, and the people in it, Gladio. That wasn't off track for you, that was where you needed to be." He turned his hand beneath Gladio's and squeezed back. "I know that. And you seem to have settled in well enough that you don't need much help - but I'm always here for you, too. Now that I'm actually here." At least until they found a way to send him back to try to find a better path for their home.
"I'll always need you, Iggy," Gladio said, his tone soft but not without conviction. Even if, like Ignis, he was a realist about the fact things would change. Had changed. And even if Gladio knew how he felt about Ignis, that it was far more than just friendship, he couldn't help but wonder if it was even prudent to think about exploring that. Ignis was nearly fifteen years younger than him, something Gladio wasn't sure he could get past.
Still, it didn't change that at the end of the day, Gladio would always want Ignis there. In whatever way that ended up being.
"And I hope maybe we can make up for some of that lost time here," he added. Now that they had time. Time that wasn't eaten up by a world plunged into darkness and their respective grief when it wasn't.
Ignis shook his head. "The many years of being self sufficient would imply otherwise," he said dryly. "But even if you don't need my help, I believe you'd want me there." It wasn't the same thing as needing him there, but it would be enough. Ignis had spent his time making himself invaluable - as an advisor, as a driver, as a chef, as whatever his friends needed him to be. He didn't have that now, but he knew them well enough to know that his value to them wasn't limited to his usefulness. His value to himself was a different matter.
"We can," Ignis said. "I have to meet all of the children you've apparently taken on as a mentor, too. And learn my way around this place better." And find if there was a space he could find for himself, maybe, and a job he was suited for to pay for it. "I know it wasn't as long for me, and I did see you still, between supply runs and such. But I did miss you too. And I promise that I'll do whatever needs to be done to try to fix what went wrong, if a way can be found."
The mention of the kids brought a smile to Gladio's face and he laughed softly. "Yeah, you do," he started. "They're good kids, louder than we ever were," he paused, his tone more serious when he spoke again. "Got dealt one hell of a shitty hand though, not sure if they even have one decent parent back home between the lot of them." Which really was only about half of it.
If a way can be found sat heavy on Gladio's mind. He knew things had gotten off track, but was if that far gone? Gods he hoped not.
"You're my best friend, Iggy," he said. And it was true. Ignis was perhaps the only other person who got it. Who had grown up the same way he had, the same expectations and duty put on them when they were mere children themselves. "Nothing's changing that." Time, grief… Gladio knew things weren't the way they had been but he'd never stopped viewing Ignis as one of the most important people in his life. "Nothing changed that - I think…" he let out a slow breath, shrugged, "I think we just got a little lost that's all."
"That isn't much of a bar to clear," Ignis said. "I was a polite and quiet child. Though YOU, on the other hand ..." He made a thoughtful noise. "No, perhaps it's a difficult feat after all. You ARE loud." He smiled and tilted his head. "Well, they seem to have found someone to depend on with you, so their luck must be improving here?"
Ignis had meant it differently than Gladio had taken it. He'd meant if a way to go home and fix the world was found. That was what he'd latched on to as his new responsibility, as soon as Gladio said it. But he didn't understand that Gladio had taken it differently.
Still. He wasn't sure if that would stay true. Friends, yes. Close, of course. They were all bonded beyond what anyone could sever, after all they'd faced together. Ignis believed that - largely because he didn't think he would let it happen again, now that Noctis was with them. But two people being intimate, it changed things when it lasted, or so Ignis assumed. And Noctis and Gladio had been here some time together, so whatever they had must be lasting. They would be close in a way Ignis and they weren't. That was natural, most likely. He just didn't really know how to ... set it in his head so it didn't feel a little too sharp to know that.
He just squeezed Gladio's hand. "We did," he agreed instead. "We lost our guiding star, so I suppose we should have expected it. But we do have a second chance here, for as long as it grants us until we find a way for me to go back and change it there."
Gladio gave Ignis' hand a squeeze back. "We do," he agreed. A second chance. Here. Maybe by some damn miracle a second chance to fix it back home. But here at the very least. A second chance Gladio was sure he didn't deserve, but he clung to it nonetheless. A second chance Noctis sure as hell did deserve.
"Now all we need is Prompto to get the relocation memo," he said with a smile. The wording of the statement a joke, but the sentiment behind it anything but. It would be nice to have the group together again, the four of them. But until they lucked out in that department, Gladio was more than content with what he had. A second chance he wouldn't dare take for granted, one he would do anything to make the most of.