WHO Noctis Lucis Caelum & Ignis Scientia WHERE Training grounds! WHEN Yesterday, April 11th WHAT A conversation about how exactly Iggy went blind, during a break in training. STATUS Complete! WARNINGS PG-13 - heavy topics dealing with injury and self-sacrifice, some internalized blaming.
It had been a long time since Noct had flattened Ignis onto his back as quickly as he did in training this morning. It had been far less time since Ignis had thought about that in a different context. In it’s purest context - the one without dirty thoughts - it was a point of pride for the blind man currently on his back. They’d spent a long time training Noctis, a lot of people had a hand in it when the prince had been young, so to have him sweep Ignis down after a vigorous training session was a good thing, rather than a dent to Iggy’s ego.
He much preferred when it was Noctis or Gladio doing it anyway, though he’d been paired off with others during Defense training and had been learning a few new techniques, and that was fine-- good, even. But it didn’t feel like the comfort of home like training with Noct did.
He held out his hand, knowing Noctis would take it and help pull him up. “Perhaps I can talk them into some blindfold training, even the playing field a little.”
As lazy as Noct could be, he loved a good spar. Especially winning a good spar. And Ignis had clearly adjusted a lot to his blindness. He was no slouch in a fight. The new tips he was learning both pleased Noct and inspired an annoying flash of jealousy to burn in his gut. Still, he was grinning brightly as he latched onto Ignis’s forearm and heaved him up to his feet with more strength than he looked like he possessed.
“That should be easy enough.” He didn’t let go right away, choosing instead to brush dirt off of Ignis’s shoulder with his free hand. There were other people at the training grounds, but there may as well have been no one around with how distracting Ignis was, all sweat damp and flushed face. “Hey, wait a few weeks and I might end up blind again. It didn’t last long enough to really train with it, but I’d give it a shot.”
Ignis would have made a show of brushing the dirt off himself, but he felt Noct’s hand, and only had to make a cursory pass over the back of his athletic joggers. Or, hopefully, anyway, but any thought of dirt and grass was far from his mind when Noct’s words seeped into his brain.
He froze. He couldn’t explain it, but the sudden onslaught of knowledge that Noctis had been blind was enough to make him stumble over his thoughts. Even if he knew now that Noct was uninjured and seeing, the fact that he hadn’t been there to protect him was a thought he couldn’t stop, as ridiculous as it was. He was already jumping to conclusions, and likely unfairly, so Ignis steadied himself and forced a breath in. “You went blind? When was this? Was it an accident?”
Ignis’s tone didn’t go unnoticed. Noct winced and squeezed Ignis’s arm. Now he was even more reluctant to let go. “Stuff happens here, without much warning sometimes. There was a power switch. Toph got mine and I got hers, but with hers came her blindness.”
He looked around the training grounds. They weren’t actually far from where it had happened. He could remember the fear so clearly and how he’d thought of Ignis. He’d thought of Ignis a lot that week. It was inevitable.
“We were here, sparring. Gladio and I. It was scary but it didn’t hurt,” he insisted, finally letting go of Ignis’s arm. “Gladio watched out for me.”
“A power switch,” Ignis murmured, immediately going into think mode. The situation was over and done long before his arrival but he still could let it marinate around in his brain on how he’d help had he been here.
But at least Noctis had Gladio. He tried very hard not to let that thought fester, it was one that had been sitting on the very edge of his brain since he found out about Noctis and Gladio, about the two of them, moving on without him or Prompto around. It was a difficult middle space to be in, because if there was anything he wanted out of this life, it was for Noctis to live and to be happy. No matter who that was with.
“Well--” He started moving away, his own hand reaching up to squeeze Noct’s arm as he passed. “At least you had a good person at your side for it. He was a great help, when I was first adjusting.”
“Uh yeah, I remember.” Noct rubbed at the back of his neck. He hadn’t been much help to Ignis when he’d been blinded. He’d been too wrapped up in his own grief and guilt over Lunafreya to be off much use to anyone at all. He had a number of regrets in his life, but that one was near the top. Thank the Six Gladio had been his bullheaded self.
“You know, you never--” The question on Noct’s tongue wasn’t secretive or shameful, but he felt himself crowding closer and lowering his voice anyway. It was just so private. Ignis had been through hell and Noct still knew only the bare minimum about it. “You never told me what happened. To you. When…” He swallowed dryly. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me, obviously. I just...I should know.”
Ignis froze, again. He hadn’t intentionally wanted to steer the conversation in this direction, but somehow wasn’t surprised it had come up. He had thus far avoided it, avoided talking about his own blindness, the choices made when Noct had been unconscious.
“You had a great deal you were going through, and it was something very low on the information line in comparison.” As Noctis walked closer, Ignis continued away, further from the low voices and sounds of others training, more to privacy. If this was going to happen, he would rather it not be in full view of every other defense member.
Not one to betray inner turmoil, Ignis removed his sunglasses and calmly went about wiping sweat from his brow. “It never felt as if it was something I should add on, with everything else.”
Noct raised his eyebrows and broke away just long enough to grab his towel before he jogged a few steps to catch back up again. He bumped lightly into Ignis’s shoulder in his rush to not miss a word that he said.
“I’m sorry about that. I should’ve given you a chance to talk about it. If you wanted to talk about it.” Watching Ignis clean his glasses, Noct rubbed his towel over the back of his neck. He wanted to reach out and run his fingers over the scar at Ignis’s eye but he was pretty sure that wasn’t okay. He did touch Ignis’s elbow though, once they were a little bit away from the rest of the people at the training grounds. There was an intensity to his words that he couldn’t quite calm. “I don’t like how I handled things. And I don’t like not knowing about something that happened to you while you were protecting me.”
The last thing Ignis wanted was for Noctis to feel guilty - that duty, between them. If they’d had a normal start, if Ignis had befriended him in a similar way as Prompto, to be schoolmates and not pushed together by the crown…
He still would have done the very same thing. He was certain of it. But, perhaps it was time that Noctis knew it all.
Ignis blew out a long breath. “Before I say anything more, I want you to know that everyone handles grief differently, my situation was a different sort of beast to deal with, and at no point have I ever held any ill will towards you for the events following.” It had been easier, in a way, for Noct to not have known all of it when everyone was processing.
His free hand reached out and made contact with Noct’s hand, just enough for his fingers to graze over the ring that adorned his finger. “To prevent Ardyn from killing you, I put on the Ring of the Lucii and paid a blood price for it’s abilities.” Despite the heavy words, a smile graced his lips. “A small price to pay, in my opinion.”
Noct gave Ignis a fond and frustrated look at the clarification about how things went after he was blinded. It wasn’t a surprise at all that Ignis didn’t blame him for any of it. But the expression fell away as Ignis touched him, turning first to confusion and then awareness. He jerked his hand away, like the ring was on fire right now and might burn right through Ignis’s skin.
“You what?” He didn’t actually want Ignis to repeat himself and he already felt bad about snatching his hand back. He took Ignis’s hand with his ringless one, turning it over palm up to run his thumbs over the base of each of Ignis’s fingers. He didn’t know what he expected to find. A scorch mark, maybe. Something to match the scar on Ignis’s face that felt very close now as Noct had unintentionally moved near again.
“A small price. Ignis. You could’ve died. You should’ve died. That’s not--why would you--” Noct closed his eyes and breathed out a shaky breath. It did nothing for the fire in his lungs. “Gods, Iggy.”
“I expected to,” Ignis answered honestly, not wanting to sugarcoat it. There was no point, Noctis knew exactly what the ring was capable of - they all were, having seen it’s effects and knowing Nyx. “But the Kings knew how important it was. It was no argument at all, in the end.” He hadn’t blamed Noct for pulling away from him, and remained in place, but his heart calmed slightly when there was a hand on him again.
He let Noctis look, it was an easy thing to do, to hold his hand out for examination. He still remembered the pain, the fire burning across his body as the powers of the Lucii took hold. All of it paled in comparison to the memory of Noct, unconscious and on the ground, as the last thing he saw.
“I’m sorry,” His voice was quieter now. “I had no wish or desire to leave you. Any of you. But I would do it again, and I have no regrets.”
Noct felt breathless and hyperaware. The feeling right before he hit stasis, when he knew if he pushed any harder, he’d be useless, but if he didn’t push, something worse could happen. Something worse had already happened though, and he’d been fucking unconscious for the whole thing.
“Shut up,” he murmured, warm and pained at the same time. “Don’t...don’t apologize for this.” The scar on Ignis’s middle finger felt raised and smooth under Noct’s thumb. He pressed against it for a long moment while he tried to find the right words. Were there any even? He doubted it.
“I don’t want...to disrespect your sacrifice and your courage, but I’m not going to pretend I’m happy about this either. I know...I know I have a duty, I know we all have our duty, and that the fate of the whole world should be the most important thing, but--” Noct huffed through his nose and shook his head. “What is the point of all of it - all of this power - if everyone I love has to suffer and die just to get me where I need to go?”
“Noct--” Ignis’ heart broke just a little at that tone, at the knowledge of how fresh of a memory Lady Lunafreya’s fate was, for Noctis. He wished, so desperately, that he could say it was his duty. And it was-- it was. He had been raised for the greater good, to be a companion and a guardian and an advisor to Prince Noctis from their childhood on. He had fulfilled that duty a dozen times over.
“I didn’t do it to save the world.” It had been a rather good side-effect, of course. “I did it for you. Prophecy or not, I wasn’t about to let you die from Ardyn’s blade. I know that the Kings granted me the power because you are destined for much more.” He hated that, and it probably came out in his tone - his bitterness at Noctis not being able to live a happy life back home, at knowing and thinking his best friend deserved better.
Ignis was still firm in his convictions, though, glad for how it kept Noct with them, for a little while longer. “You were the last thing I saw before my vision went, and even if all you were destined for was a trip to the gas station, it was worth it.”
Noct blinked rapidfire at Ignis, all of his carefully guarded emotions rushing to the surface and freezing in place in his wide eyes. It was one thing thinking Ignis had sacrificed himself on the altar of servitude to the Crown. It was something else knowing he did it for Noct. Someone could argue that Noct was the Crown and therefore they were the same thing, but he knew the difference. He hoped he did anyway.
He needed there to be a difference.
“I’m not sure I deserve you, Iggy.” He pressed Ignis’s hand between both of his, like that first day, when he’d just desperately wanted to make a friend. He’d gotten so much more than he could’ve bargained for. “But then, I’m not sure anyone does.” He smiled softly, a little self-conscious. They were still in too public a place for his liking. He lowered his voice. “I...I’m just glad you survived. I’m not sure--I don’t think I would’ve been able to keep going if you hadn’t.”
Ignis made a little quiet ha noise in return, not quite a laugh but he was too busy putting his second hand around Noct’s in a mirrored return. That was a comforting touch, one he remembered well. “I certainly hope all of you do.” I’m lost without you. All of you. “But I know how strong you are, how good, how worthy. You could, even as glad as I am to be here with you.”
He’d had two years to have a world without Noct in it, even if he knew he would return, it was still not a world Ignis thrived in. Not like he had before. But it wouldn’t be fair of him to say more, not to Noct and not to Gladio, not to put him in that position, when he’d already revealed too much.
Ignis let their hands drop, and he turned his head, towards the training. “I believe we’ve used up our entire fifteen minure break now, we should get back to it.”
If Ignis could’ve seen the chaotic parade of emotions that crossed Noct’s face – from vulnerable to doubtful to genuinely ready to argue – he might’ve recognized exactly when the shields shuddered back into place. His palms felt warm from touching Ignis and he flexed them, like that would somehow settle everything back into place.
“I think…you underestimate your importance.” He said it quietly and matter-of-factly and then turned a frown towards the training area. “But you’re right about the break.” Since Ignis didn’t have his cane, Noct stayed close, only a few steps ahead, and quietly kept talking as he went. “Gladio’s probably had just enough time to think up something terrible for us to do.”
Oh. That made his heart leap, and Ignis was immensely glad that Noctis wasn’t able to pick up on how rapid it was beating now. All of this had been a-- lot. But he was glad for it to be out, now.
“Indeed. Shall we walk together in our doom, to face it head on?” It was a dramatic statement, but softened with Ignis turning a smile in the direction where Gladio had been previously. The Shield would no doubt know something was up as it is, and hopefully help distract them both from it.