v . lufkin (vivantes) wrote in valesco, @ 2023-02-04 18:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | adian rosenberg, vivienne lufkin |
WHO: Vivienne Lufkin and Adian Rosenberg
WHAT: Walking home from Holden's party
WHEN: End of this night
The heels of Vivienne’s boots clicking on the pavement filled the snowy silence as she and Adian walked toward their building from the apparition point. The Bonaccords had held a wonderful evening, as was usual; it was so lovely to spend time with Nicola and Holden. Holden, the newest member of their circle, their family. Celebrating him came naturally, babies brought so much warmth and happiness. It was easy to get lost in the light of them.
They had all also celebrated Adian’s new title of godfather, but while that was a wonderful thing, it wasn’t as simple to commemorate.
The street light turned against their favor, and Vivienne clicked her heels together as they stopped to let the muggle vehicles pass. She snuck a look at Adian, feeling almost shy even though she had spent most of the night carefully and openly watching him. Cheeks rosy from the snow and other thoughts, Vivenne bumped her hip gently into his side.
“How are you doing?”
Her touch, as it usually did, led him back to the present. In a distracted response to her warmth, Adian mindlessly brushed his hand up Vivienne’s back. He continued staring forward, watching the cars pass by unseen until… until he snapped back. Then, Adian tilted his head toward Vivienne, tossed her a wary glance, and gave her a heavy huff.
The night weighed on him. For… many reasons. Because of many reasons. His forced quality time with Nicola, his… conversation with Louis, even the cheery responses from their friends (Merlin, Saoirse had hugged him), they all bogged down on him. When did this all become so heavy? Why did it have to be? Why couldn’t he…?
He tried to focus on Holden, on the quiet he found when he was near his godson. But that was difficult to focus on, hard to grasp now so removed. So instead, Adian rubbed an eye with his other hand, knuckling some snow from his lashes.
“Great,” Adian finally let out, wry. He rolled a shoulder, some snowy hair sticking uncomfortably to the back of his neck. “Great.”
His response pulled an amused smile onto her face, her eyebrows raising in curiosity. “Glad to hear it.”
Vivienne had known about the question Adian was going to be asked tonight, Nicola having told her when she’d arrived, earlier than the other guests. There had been a small knot of guilt in her stomach throughout the evening, but Vivienne knew there was a great chance for the night to go sour (for everyone) if she’d given him the heads up.
But, Adian had accepted the title, the role, and his eyes had maintained a look of dazed shock for the rest of the evening. Vivienne had been on alert, perhaps not as subtly as she’d hoped, to catch his gaze, ready to feign exhaustion and head out if he turned the slightest shade paler. She wanted to make sure that Adian knew she was there to support him, both in this new role as Holden’s godfather and with the weight of the emotions it brought.
“Tell me about it while we walk?” she asked, her hand moving to his lower back. “There’s only a few blocks left.”
The streetlight flickered, indicating it was safe to go.
It was easy hooking his arm to rest it over Vivienne’s shoulders. It was not easy producing a reply to her gentle question.
Adian stood still, staring forward as he expelled a long, steady breath through his teeth. With his hand dangling down Vivienne’s front, his fingers, too far to catch the ends of her hair, curled upward in an attempt to do just that. A comfort, distraction, as he stalled.
She deserved an answer, a real one. He wanted to give her that, he just… his mouth, it… like a Tongue-Tying Curse, but unmanageable. Like… thick, wet robes all shoved down his throat, it…
He shook his head, face twitching in conflicted unease. Only because it gave him more time to think, Adian forced himself forward through the crossing. He brought Vivienne with him, another long, wrung out breath escaping him.
“I don’t…” Adian trailed, looking up into the dark sky. He had an early morning training exercise with the unit, the desire to be home with Vivienne was strong, so why couldn’t he stop the impulse of wanting to go back? Not to talk further with Louis, that seemed beyond him at this point, but to… just be there. Doing what? Loitering in the dark? It—?
A low, frustrated grumble escaped him, enough that it had Adian taking his other hand out of his pocket to rub his face. The words came out suppressed and taut.
“I don’t… feel like the person everyone tells me I am.” He shook his head, careful to keep his gaze away from her. “It feels… wrong.”
Vivienne kept her own gaze forward as they walked, attempting to hide her surprise at his words. Adian sharing his emotions was a bit of a rarity, and while she had anticipated his appointment to godfather to stir some feelings, his confession had gently shocked her like she’d picked up someone else’s wand.
Her surprised expression quickly turned thoughtful, however, and her hand moved unconsciously to take his, the one dangling on her shoulder. She knew the feeling of not being able to accept another’s praise; it seemed like her twenties had been riddled with bouts of self-doubt that had only recently begun to subside. But…as she continued to mull over his words, she wasn’t sure Adian had meant it in that way.
“Who do you feel you are?” she asked, the hand she’d left lingering on his back curling into his jacket. Vivienne trusted Adian to keep them safely moving forward as she looked up to inspect his face.
She felt her chest tighten in the usual sense of adoration that bubbled when she stared at him, though she hoped to keep a somewhat neutral expression as she didn’t want to give off any pressure to say or feel the things he thought she wanted him to.
“What parts feel wrong?” If she could completely wrap herself around him while they walked, she would.
Who do you feel you are? Adian kept quiet as they crossed the street, his gaze coming down from the sky to eye the car idling on their right. The bright lights felt like a spotlight, one that he stared back at and felt no hesitation intertwining their cold fingers in. He watched their surroundings with his chin high, intent on giving himself until they reached the other side of the road before responding.
“I don’t know,” Adian mumbled finally, one foot square on the curb. Just not that. The person Louis described, the resounding sunny reception from their friends, it… it felt like a slick, invisible oil against his skin. A weak part of him wanted to accept it, but even that part of him felt it… absurd. Laughable. How could anyone, especially him, be deserving of such… adoration?
Adian intended to tell Vivienne this, tell her how he wasn’t sure how much more he could bear of being spoken to like he hadn’t conned them all into believing he was someone he wasn’t when… he stopped. He had turned to her, intent on looking over her face; but he hadn’t been expecting the way she looked back at him. There it was again, adoration, and he couldn’t— it—
His brow furrowed and he tried not to appear at a loss by her. His legs stopped them both, Adian staring openly at Vivienne. He couldn’t say how well he hid his sudden stupefaction. After swallowing a few times, he managed to finally ask,
“Do you remember when we first met?”
Vivienne would have laughed at his question if he didn’t look so startled. Instead she eyed Adian curiously, her grip on his hand tightening. Did she remember? Meeting Adian had altered the entire course of her life. Where would she be if the Prophet hadn’t decided to undergo construction and force them to share some very small desk space? Vivienne couldn’t even imagine it; that potential life had disappeared so completely that she’d never bothered to look back.
“Yes,” she said. She hoped his arm stayed around her as she let his hand go, but only to raise it to his shoulder, to the back of his neck. Vivienne smiled at the thought of those days, keeping his gaze. Then she shook her head gently. “You’re not that boy anymore.”
She had loved that boy, more than she could have ever thought possible to love someone. Admittedly, for a time Vivienne had loved him so much that she didn’t know what to do in a life without him. But, she’d grown, she’d adapted and created her own life, and he had too. Did he know that was alright, to be a new version of yourself? Did he know he could like the person he was now?
“But what you are…” she said, her voice soft with the now quiet of the street surrounding them, thinking back to his earlier admittance, “is brave, not many would have the nerve to chase down a mass murderer.” Thinking of Sirius Black made her push a little closer to Adian. “What you are…is smart, it’s amazing what you do as a hit-wizard Team Leader.”
“You’re very funny, when you allow yourself to be,” Vivienne continued. “You’re a good listener---I think I’ve rambled at least three books worth of notes to you in the past month...”
Her fingers began to curl into his hair. “You’re dedicated---you’re there for the people you care about. You’re also there for people even when you’re not entirely thrilled with them.”
Vivenne felt a shyness begin to take over. Was she talking too much, doing too much? She typically tried not to overstep, but in his embrace, after the evening he’d had, Vivienne couldn’t help but want to make Adian feel better, and she was trying to do so with the truth, with undeniable evidence.
“I could go on,” she murmured, cheeks reddening, “talk a bit about how very handsome you are...”
By the time Vivienne trailed off, Adian’s brow had furrowed so deeply he couldn’t feel his forehead anymore. His eyes crawled over her face, snagging on her pink cheeks, before settling in her gaze. In her eyes, he found a lightness, dancing resolve, delicate determination, and… much more he couldn’t quite grasp in the moment. But he felt it, allowed it to wash over and erase what he had been thinking when he asked her about who they had been long ago.
He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to take her words to heart without reserve. Hold them tight to his chest and accept… accept them as truth he failed to see. But even as Vivienne left little to rebut, little to question, soothing him with her fingers along his neck, he… it…
His mouth twitched, unable to settle between a smile or a frown. They were closer now, enough that his free hand easily slid to hold the side of her face. Palm pressed to Vivienne’s cheek, his thumb ran gently under her eye over her soft skin. Adian stared, thinking… knowing he didn’t have the right words, but he wished he did.
“It’s funny,” he murmured back, his eyebrows rising. “I was going to tell you I don’t feel brave or smart, dedicated or… any of that.” Adian shook his head, the side of his mouth hooking upward just a little. “But you beat me to it. Now what can I say?”
What was there to say? A tense breath fell out of him, and… he thought of Vivienne. Her brilliance, her resolve, her mind, her beauty, it… it was more than enough to quiet his neverending descent. Unable to express that in any other way, Adian leaned forward, tipping his chin up to press his lips to her forehead with a gentle kiss.
Vivenne hummed, her eyes shutting at his kiss. She’d present him with a textbook full of descriptors if he wanted, all prepared with an example or two (or three). Adian deserved acknowledgement of his accomplishments, as hard of a potion as it could sometimes be to swallow, and she hoped she had helped soothe some of his worries tonight.
Enjoying how they’d managed to intertwine themselves, Vivienne held him tight as the snow continued to fall around them, a barely-there sway in their stance underneath the streetlight.
“Can’t say anything,” she teased lightly as she looked him over for the hundredth time that evening. “And don’t even try to refuse the ‘handsome’ part.”
She leaned up to kiss his chin, then his cheek, her expression playful, daring. “I would have to set you straight.”
The side of his mouth curled a little higher. Really, he’d proclaim himself uglier than a cave troll if it meant a millisecond of reprieve from all that muddled his heavy mind. But that wasn’t what Vivienne was offering, not really, and he was grateful for her providing that much-needed understanding. He stuck his chin out, savoring the warmth her lips brought to his cheek.
“How’d you set me straight?” Adian asked with a gleam in his eyes. His hand fell from Vivienne, fingers trailing down her skin before returning to his pocket. Only a little further until they reached home.
Before she could answer, he turned away. Arm still over her shoulders, head straight forward, he stepped to move them both. Adian took in the empty sidewalk, the busy street, the lazy snow falling around them with a quasi-keen eye. Not in anticipation of anything, but… to take it in. To get a good look. A good memory. His hand curled up to grasp the end of Vivienne’s hair once more, intent on brushing some wayward snow from her locks.
“Is the punishment scaled?” he wondered aloud. Unable to help himself, Adian allowed a sly glimpse back to Vivienne.
Heat flushed through her as she shot him a look, her smile already betraying the unproposed severity of punishment. As they reached the steps to their building, Vivenne pushed forward to climb up one before turning back to Adian, blocking his path and securing the high ground. She draped her arms over his shoulders, crossing her wrists over each other as she leaned her weight into his chest.
“Mmm…yes,” she said. Admittedly, she was not particularly sure where to go from there, but having fun with it all the same because…they could. And should. Vivienne felt a wonderful thrill course through her, though she normally could only ever tease so far without feeling the need to hide her face in her hands as she flustered; you would think, after all these years, after all they’d…
Her cheeks, still pink from the snow and from him, now shifted to match the scarlet of her boots as she said in a low voice, “What are you going to do about it, Rosenberg?”
Hands on her hips, fingers thrumming along her coat, Adian took the moment to really look at Vivienne. Tonight had been… he still didn’t… there was much that ate and tore away at him. It weighed his mind; Holden, Louis, their lives that made his insides twist with… sorrow, anger, and… longing. But…
But as he stared at Vivienne now, he felt… like… maybe the rest of the night wouldn’t be restless. Maybe he wouldn’t find himself sleepless as he turned over every earlier moment again and again. Maybe he wouldn’t be so miserable and drained come morning. Maybe… maybe…
Adian gripped Vivienne tighter. It was a lot of maybes, a lot of things and thoughts that threatened to swallow him whole. But right now, he had his clever, brilliant girlfriend blushing before him, so maybe… she could be more important than all that seemed to plague him.
The ends of his mouth curled something devilish, and Adian quickly squeezed Vivienne’s sides.
“Oh, I’ll show you,” he huffed, and in a motion, picked Vivienne up. One arm wrapped tight around her waist, Adian hauled her over his shoulder. He kicked their building door open (and then closed it with another kick), barely withholding a small smile.