Helen Magnus (britishcharm) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-04-20 15:11:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, helen magnus, varric tethras |
"I love you."
Who: Helen & Varric
What: They've reached their breaking points.
When: A week ago?
Where: Their house
Rating: Low
Status: Complete!
After their failed dinner, Helen had stopped trying. It didn't seem to matter any longer whether they repaired the distance or not. He didn't want to be here, and she was tired of fighting.
As it was, she was struggling just to get through each day. She didn't have the energy to hold together a relationship that was so clearly falling apart. Alice was her only priority now.
And if she hadn't felt alone enough, she'd lost Nikola now, as well.
Of course, she couldn't actually avoid Varric forever. They shared a house, were meant to share a life. She wasn't sure what they shared anymore. But she had to speak to him sooner or later.
"I'm not going to the wedding." A simple statement. No flair. No anger. Not open for debate. As far as she was concerned her decision had been made.
“Why not?” Varric asked, nonplussed. He hadn’t meant for things to fall apart, but even the dwarf had a limit that could be reached, a limit through which Helen’s inability to deal with herself had finally gotten to him. He loved her, but if she couldn’t make herself work, where did that leave them?
“I don’t feel it would be appropriate.” It was almost cruel to twist Nikola’s words, change their meaning, when she knew very well why he had said them. What did it say that she didn’t care anymore?
“Is that really how you feel?” He looked up from his notebook, his expression weary.
She didn’t waver. “Yes.”
“Then I guess I’ll have to find another date then. Maybe Alice.” He lowered his head back to his notebook.
“Alice barely knows him.”
“So? I need a date, and I think she’ll have fun. Do they even have a flower girl?” Varric smiled at the thought.
"He didn't say." Actually, he hadn't said much of anything about the wedding. And she didn't know if she was comfortable with her daughter being a part of it. Since Christmas, she'd been leery of letting him get close to her, worried Alice might remember the week she'd been trying so hard to forget. "I'm not certain that's such a good idea."
Varric’s smile faltered, and he closed his note book. “That’s fine, Rabbit. If you’re not comfortable you’re not.”
She softened, just a little. "She doesn't remember. I'd prefer it stayed that way."
“She’ll eventually find out that something happened. You can’t hide things from her forever, nor should you.” He did relent. “But awhile longer can’t hurt.”
"Thank you."
Varric studied her, silently. He didn’t say anything in response to that.
“She’s had enough confusion in her life. Would you really see her have more? Simply because it’s more honest.”
“Not now, no. In a few years, she’ll want to know.”
“You want to tell our daughter that I left you, that I was in love with someone else?”
“I want to tell her that strange things happened. Magic happened,” Varric said. “It’s important to me that our daughter believes in magic.”
She didn’t say anything for a long time, watching him. But finally, “Why?”
“Because magic is real,” Varric said. “Because it’s not just the fireballs that Hawke throws, but the stories that I tell. The person I am.”
She wanted to argue that storytelling was a different sort of magic, but it would accomplish nothing. They each had their beliefs, and neither seemed interested in compromise.
“Nikola is a friend. She doesn’t need to know anything more than that.”
Whatever else he wished to tell her about strange happenings in the county, she wouldn’t question. But this was important to her.
“And if she’s old enough, and she asks?” Varric raised an eyebrow at her. “Will you take it to your grave?”
"She won't ask. She has no reason to."
Varric smiled. “So you say. But children are more observant than we can possibly imagine.”
“I have raised a daughter, Varric. I understand perfectly well.” She shook her head. “Some things aren’t meant to be shared.”
“If you say so, Rabbit.” He didn’t sound convinced, or look convinced, but he wasn’t going to argue it. At least she was being stubborn about something.
“She was never meant to be Nikola’s. I don’t want her to worry she should have been.”
“She’s yours, Helen’s. No one else’s.”
That…She didn’t know what to say to that. For a moment, she forgot to even breathe. “She’s ours.”
He looked at her, wondering if she really believed that, or if she was trying to convince herself.
"This wasn't what you wanted, was it? This life? It never has been, has it?"
“I never knew what I wanted.” He shook his head. “I still don’t know what I wanted.”
“But it isn’t us.” And that might have been her breaking point. She closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath, struggling to keep the tears at bay. “Perhaps you should go.”
Varric furrowed his brow. “What? Helen...Of course I wanted us. That’s never been in question.”
"Then what is it? Why isn't this enough? Why am I not enough?" She was beginning to sound desperate.
“I love you. But life should be more than just one thing.” He spread his arms around, gesturing at anything and everything. “I still need to have things in my life that are uniquely me and mine, and you should that are uniquely you and yours. It’s healthier.”
"Not enough to prefer a life with me to a world in which I never existed. I'm not asking you to give up your independence, but I am asking you to make a choice." She was watching him intently now. "Where is it you want to be?"
“I never said I’d prefer that life! I said I miss aspects of it, not the whole thing!”
"You said you belonged there. How is that any different?"
“I belong here too?”
“You can’t have it both ways.”
“I’m not trying to have it both ways, Rabbit!”
“Then what are you trying to do?” Her tone had lost its edge. “It shouldn’t be so difficult a decision.”
“I’m a dwarf,” Varric got to his feet. “I’m not human. I’ve spent the past 15 years writing fantastic adventures and then I dream that I’ve lived those adventures, how can I cut that part of myself off?”
“How can you still wish to live in a world without me?”
He looked at Helen, shock on his face, sadness in his eyes. "I never said I wanted to live in a world without you. To have aspects of that world here? Yes? I never want Kirkwall to exist."
“This is our home now. It isn’t Kirkwall. And it never will be.”
“Thank the Maker for that.” Varric folded his arms. “I need to take a walk.” He started for the door. “We’ll finish this discussion later.”