Helen Magnus (britishcharm) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-04-15 00:21:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, helen magnus, nikola tesla |
“You call, I come running. That’s how this arrangement works.”
Who: Helen & Nikola
What: A talk
When: About a week ago?
Where: Her house
Rating: Low
Status: Complete!
Helen’s last substantial conversation with Varric had left her with a lot to think about. She was confused now, more than ever before. His words had stung. He’d lost faith in her. And if that hadn’t been difficult enough to hear, he’d confirmed her greatest fear. That he didn’t think he belonged to this world. And if he didn’t belong in this world, it meant he also didn’t belong with her. Perhaps it hadn’t been his intention, but he had implied they weren’t meant to be together.
She was angry. She was hurt. But mostly, she was terrified. Because she hadn’t known it was possible to feel more alone than she had the day John walked out on them.
Everything seemed to be spiraling out of her control. She could feel herself slipping. It was only a matter of time before something would have to give.
There was a history between Nikola and Helen. It was in the past, but it was there. Nikola could never--and would never--take any of it back, even if the opportunity presented itself. He had loved Helen. Dearly. Romantically. As much as he could at the time. And there was a part of him that always would love her. He wanted to be there for her, to help her in whatever way he could.
That didn’t mean that he wanted her. This wasn’t the Helen that he’d fallen in love with so long ago. The Helen in his heart was on a pedestal. It wasn’t possible for anyone to compare.
When she beckoned, however, he came running. He thought he always would. After class he headed to her home and let himself in the front door. “Helen? Darling?” He teased, turning toward the kitchen. “I hope you’ve got the kettle on.”
She almost smiled. Almost.
Standing up from the table, she moved to pour the tea, glancing toward the living room where her daughter was playing. She hoped she would stay occupied during Nikola’s visit. The last thing she wanted was for Alice to think she and Varric were fighting again.
She greeted him with a quick kiss on the cheek, handing him his cup before returning to her seat. She didn’t want things to be awkward between them, anymore. “I’m glad you could make it.”
He gave a gentle “thank you” to the cup and the kiss, then wandered over to the counter and leaned against it, watching her at the table. “You call, I come running. That’s how this arrangement works.”
"Is it?"
She knew, deep down, that he would always be there when she asked. It was the one aspect of their relationship that seemed to remain unchanged, despite everything else.
But she knew a lot of things she didn't believe anymore.
“Of course it is.” Nikola said, in a ‘don’t be silly’ tone. “Here I am.”
"This time." She sounded tired, even to herself. "You're starting a family. I can't expect you to come running every time I've had a bad day."
“Friends do that for one another, Helen. We come when we can. And right now I can. Whenever you need. Take advantage, it won’t last forever.”
"How long will it last?"
“No idea. Until We have a child, I expect.” It may have been the first time Nikola had actually confessed to helen that he wanted a child with Lulu.
She'd suspected as much, but hearing him confirm it made her insides twist. And for a dangerous moment, she thought she might cry.
Pulling herself back together, she nodded. "We all have our priorities."
“I’d honestly be surprised if ours were that different,” Nikola said. There was a time when they were, but now that he was marrying Lulu and trying to conceive a child with her, he felt his desires shifting toward more normal things. That is, when he wasn’t craving power or blood or both. (Thankfully, Lulu offered hers up to him willingly. He just needed to be careful how he treated her.)
She glanced back toward the living room. "Perhaps in some respects. But I've found priorities are ever-changing."
“Some,” Nikola said, following her gaze, “are simply a surprise. We don’t know they are a priority until they appear. Others,” he added, turning to look at Helen for a moment, “will always be near the top of the list.”
“I thought that once, as well.”
She didn’t elaborate further, turning her attention back to her tea as she curled her fingers tightly around the cup. Her life, the world she’d so carefully been piecing back together, was shattering. Nearly everyone of consequence was pulling away from her, if they hadn’t already. She wasn’t handling it as well as she might have liked.
“I truly am happy for you, Nikola. You know that?”
“I like to believe it, yes.” Nikola responded, lifting his cup for a sip.
She nodded, figuring that was the closest she would get to confirmation. “Lulu is a lovely woman. You’re fortunate to have found one another.”
“She suits me well.” Nikola said, lowering his mug to the table. “And she gets on well with Varric, so that’s a plus.”
"She suits him, as well." It was strange they'd drifted toward similar personalities, when they were so different themselves. Perhaps that's why it only seemed to be working for one of them.
“He seems a good man.” Nikola said, softly, watching her closely. His gaze was intense. “How are things with Varric?”
"Complicated."
Nikola sat for a moment in silence, expecting more.
Helen didn't know if she was willing to say anything more. But after a moment, she let out a slow breath, making certain Alice was still well out of earshot.
"He doesn't belong here. This isn't the life he wants."
“None of us belong here,” Nikola said. He attempted to mind his volume for the sake of the girl. “We do our best with what we’re given.”
"Would you want to go back, leave this life for the one you dream about? Even if it meant giving up Lulu?"
“I don’t know.” Nikola said. “And I don’t have to know. Something like that would never happen.”
"What if it could?"
“It can’t, so there’s no point in killing yourself over it.” Nikola said, darkly.
"I'm not the one who doesn't want to be here." As much as she still didn't want to accept the dreams, a part of her couldn't help but miss that life. But she wouldn't give up the life she'd built here. This was still her home.
"I love him, Nikola. But I'm beginning to wonder if he loves me enough to want to stay."
Nikola blinked at her. “...where else would he go?” It wasn’t as if he could go to the place in his dreams.
“I’m not suggesting he would leave, but if he doesn’t feel he belongs here, that he belongs with me...” she trails off, shaking her head before finally looking up at him again. “We can’t be a life he settles for because he can’t have what he truly wants. I won’t allow that.”
“Everything is a life we settle for, Helen. Nothing is perfect. Nothing in this world is exactly how we want it.” Nikola argued, though he had a dull tone.
“I’ve had one failed marriage, Nikola. I won’t have another.”
Nikola’s face twisted in disgust. “Varric is nothing like John.” He said the name with venom.
That much she couldn’t argue with. Varric had proven he wasn’t going to run when life became difficult. And she didn’t mean to seem ungrateful. But their life together couldn’t be secondary to his life in another world.
“No. He isn’t. But at least John had the grace to leave when he realized I was no longer what he wanted.”
“How do you know you’re not what he wants?” Nikola said, still frowning. He didn’t like the turn this conversation was taking. “Just because he enjoys the life in his dreams? Feels like he belongs there? I think you’re taking it a bit too personally, Helen. I think you’re trying to make his conflicting feelings all about you.”
"Am I?" She felt otherwise. "We haven't properly spoken in days. And the last time we did, he made it perfectly clear where he wanted to be. If I matter so little that he would rather live in a world in which I don't exist, perhaps he should reevaluate his priorities."
Nikola set his mug down, and then stood. “I don’t feel comfortable with this conversation, Helen. You should be talking to him about this. Not me.” Varric likely wouldn’t like it if he knew what was happening here.
"Is there a conversation you do feel comfortable having with me?"
It was times like this she really missed having James nearby. He might have told her to talk to Varric, but he would have listened first; he would have supported her. He certainly wouldn't have told her he was uncomfortable and pushed her aside. They'd known each other too long for that.
But Nikola was different. She shouldn't have to remind herself of that.
"Perhaps you should go. I shouldn't have called."
A mistake she wouldn't be making again.
“Maybe I should.” Nikola turned to head out of the kitchen toward the front door. “You can always call me, Helen.” He said after giving a little sigh. “...but I’m not one of your girl friends. It’s inappropriate to talk to me about Varric. That’s none of my business.” Especially considering how many feelings there still were bouncing around inside of him where Helen was concerned.
"Have you ever considered you're the closest I have?" She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. I won't be calling again."
If it was only appropriate when she had nothing of consequence to discuss, she hardly saw the point. She was no longer the strong, confident woman he had known. Light conversation hadn't been her strong suit in some time.
It was only inappropriate when she invited someone who still harbored feelings for her over to gripe about the man in her life. Nikola wished to God that things were different, for both of them, but dwelling on that wasn’t going to change the present. He gave a little sigh.
“Enjoy your melodrama, Helen,” he said, sounding bored. “You know where to reach me when you want to.” He stepped to the front door and let himself out.