Couldn’t turn your back without expecting a knife in it. Mages gone wild, darkspawn, bandits.. Who: Helen & Varric What: A quiet night turns angsty When: A week or two after Merril’s rescue Where: Their house Rating: PG-13 Status: Complete
Having four dogs and a five year old made it all but impossible to be truly spontaneous. But a night for just the two of them was something that could be managed. Helen thought she owed Varric at least that much.
She'd given a lot of thought to what the dreams might mean, how they might change her. And then, she'd tried taking his advice. Unfortunately, it had been rather more difficult than he seemed to believe it would be.
Helen was stubborn, and she didn't want to accept that she was meant to be leading another life, that she might have already lived one. Certainly, there had been struggles in this life as well as that one. But in this world, she still lacked the strength to own the life she dreamt of. A strength that had developed because of what she'd been forced to face. She hadn't had any other choice. It was still hard for her to believe that once she accepted the dreams as reality, she might share those experiences on a similar level, that in accepting them, she might gain the strength to live with them.
But she was trying.
In the process, she'd started to pull away from them again, even spending less time than usual with Alice. Some things didn’t change, it seemed.
Tonight, she hoped to start making up for that.
After the events with Merrill and Gollum, Varric had withdrawn a bit. He spent more time with his writing, and more time out, and a lot less time at home. There were things he needed to process, that he wasn’t processing as well as he would have liked.
Helen was hoping tonight might be an exception for both of them. As it was, their house had been far too quiet lately. If it weren’t for Alice, she thought it might have been entirely silent. Not handling surprises particularly well, herself, she’d made certain he knew to be home for dinner, and if she felt the timing was right, she had something she wanted to ask of him. But mostly, she was just looking forward to spending time with him again.
The only sound in the room that Varric had sort of converted into an office was the scrippling of pen on paper. He’d taken to using a quill and ink. He liked how authentic it felt and it wasn’t difficult to transcribe it to a computer later.
He was knee deep in a grand adventure on a possessed mountain.
Dinner was already on the table before she went in search of him, knowing exactly where to look. Not wanting to interrupt, though, she didn’t go further than the doorway, waiting for him to take notice. Or at least until he seemed at a break in his writing.
About five minutes later, Varric set down his pen, and looked up. “Rabbit! I didn’t realize you were there. How long have you waited?”
She took a step inside the doorway, smiling. “Not long. I didn’t want to risk disrupting a masterpiece. Your fans might never forgive me.”
“I think I could use a break anyway.” He got to his feet, coming over and pulling her into a kiss.
She stole another quick kiss before pulling away and offering him her hand. "Good. Dinner is ready."
“Huh. I’m starving.” Varric said that as though he’d just realized it.
"Have you eaten at all today?" As though she had any right to lecture about taking care of yourself.
“No, have you?” He smirked.
"When I fixed Alice breakfast." At least someone was being properly looked after.
“And what time is it now?” He looked at her.
"Point taken. Something we could both work on." She squeezed his hand. "How is the writing coming?"
“I’ve hit a stumbling block, but I’ll get over it.”
"You've been distant." Not exactly subtle. "Perhaps we both have."
“Are we going to talk about this now?” Varric eyed her.
She shook her head. "No. I won't force you to talk about anything. But know you can?"
“I’ll consider it.” IF only for her.
That was enough for her. It seemed he spent so much of his time reassuring her, and she so rarely made herself available to him in the same way. She wanted him to know she would be there if he needed her.
He changed the subject. “So what’s for grub?”
"I made stir fry. Alice isn't particularly fond of it, and since we're on our own this evening, I thought perhaps we could use a change of pace."
“Sounds good. Haven’t had that in a long time.” Varric was never much of a picky eater.
“We haven’t exactly had many family dinners, recently.” And in part, she regretted that, wanting to give Alice what she hadn’t been able to give Ashley.
“I’m sorry..” He knew he’d been busy.
Her fingers tightened around his. "It isn't entirely your fault."
“No, it really is my fault.”
"Neither of us has been at our best. You can't believe you're the only one to blame."
“I should be more proactive."
"You've had a lot on your mind."
“So have you?” Varric took a seat at the table.
"Then we're both to blame, are we not? It shouldn't fall entirely to you."
“I’d rather take it, myself.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I can.”
She fixed him with a look, hardly satisfied with that answer. As far as she was concerned, she should take at least a part of the blame, if not an equal share. “What is this really about?”
Varric shook his head, and spooned himself out some food. He didn’t feel like talking about it.
As much as she didn’t want to push him, she wanted to help. And she couldn’t help if he wouldn’t talk to her. For the first time, she was realizing how frustrating it must be for him when she was the one being stubborn.
She watched him a moment before fixing her own plate, trying to decide the best way to approach the issue.
“Whatever your faults, you’ve been here when we’ve needed you. Please don’t convince yourself otherwise.”
Varric thinned his lips out, and sulked a bit as he ate.
This evening wasn’t turning out quite as she’d expected. She quietly turned her attention to her meal, hoping he would be the one to eventually break the silence.
He thought about it, but he wasn’t sure how he was going to, or if he wanted to. Not at the moment. So he ate in silence.
Helen didn’t give in immediately, setting her plate aside and leaning back in her seat when she finished her dinner. But the silence eventually won.
“Do you truly believe you’ve somehow failed us?”
“Failed us? What do you mean?”
“Why are you so intent on blaming yourself for a distance we created together?”
“Because I’m tired of you blaming yourself.”
She leaned forward, reaching across the table and briefly cupping his cheek. "I love you."
Varric sighed, leaning into her hand. “I love you too.”
"You shouldn't have to protect me from myself."
“You won’t protect yourself.”
“I think I’m ready to try.”
“Are you?”
She tilted her head, studying him. “You doubt me?”
“Sometimes, I do.”
“This time?” She had to ask, even if she already knew the answer.
He had to be honest. “Yes.”
“What can I say to convince you otherwise?”
“Start from the beginning.”
“How? What do you mean?”
“Why should I not doubt you?”
“I thought you had more faith in me than that.”
“I do. But maybe you need to prove it.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know.” Varric smiled at that. “Sometimes I don’t have all the answers.”
“I often wish you did,” she admitted softly.
“I’m only a dwarf, Helen. I love you, but I’m only mortal.”
“How unfortunate.” Her tone was light, almost teasing, but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. And after a moment, “What is it like, your world? So many seem to want what the dreams offer them. Tell me, honestly, would you rather be there than here?”
“There are parts I like. Mostly the people. But Kirkwall was a shithole built on a hell mouth. Still, I was the merchant king of the shithole, sort of. I had influence, and spies. I used to pay people to keep an eye on Daisy, since she was so naive...”
That didn’t really answer her question, so she took a page from his book and waited for him to continue.
“Couldn’t turn your back without expecting a knife in it. Mages gone wild, darkspawn, bandits..”
"And yet, you miss it."
“..yeah. I miss it. I was myself there. I could be someone that I can’t be here. That wasn’t the best person, but I tried to put my heart in the right place.”
Crossing her arms on the table in front of her, she focused her attention elsewhere, not quite able to look at him.
"Who are you, here?"
“Varric Tethras,” he replied, cheerfully. “Same as I am over there. But..yes, there are parts of it I miss. But plenty I don’t miss and would rather do away with. I like having indoor plumbing.”
“You never answered my question. Is that the world you believe you belong in?”
“Yes.”
She was quiet for a long time, trying to sort out what she was feeling. Then she got up, carefully placing her plate in the sink.
“I had a feeling you were going to say that.”
Then she turned and left the kitchen. Nothing else needed to be said.
Varric sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back in his seat. That hadn’t gone to plan. but he’d..shot a man...creature thing. Wounded it, and then...and then he’d fired an entire volley.
That had affected him more deeply than he’d thought.
It seemed nothing ever went as they planned. Maybe they were trying too hard to make their lives fit together. She didn’t want to believe that. She didn’t want to think they were making a mistake.
As she moved into the living room, she realized she didn’t know what she believed anymore.
He didn’t get up for several minutes, but when he did, he walked out of the kitchen, and headed towards the door. He needed some air, he thought she needed some space too. Mostly he just wanted to drive around.