tara diana smith (tardiss) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-04-07 20:08:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, rose tyler, tardis |
Who: TARDIS and Rose Tyler
When: Friday March 29, 2013 after seeing John.
Where: Tara’s house.
What: The Doctors are causing their favourite companions some stress. Whiskey helps.
Rating: Low, but lots of Feels.
Status: Complete
Tara had spent the better part of her afternoon at John’s apartment, cleaning up whatever mess Liam had caused for him. She wasn’t mad at her Ninth Doctor, not really. She’d always be there to take care of her Doctor of course, no matter what body he lived in.
She was mad because Liam blamed himself. He blamed himself for letting Rose go, for all of the guilt that had grown out of that development. She was mad because he didn’t deserve that blame. She couldn’t be mad for directing the blame onto John, and for getting angry. It was just his way. He acted with all of his passions, her dear Ninth Doctor. Both the good and the bad.
But above all else, she was mad that she hadn’t been there for him. They had traveled alone together for so long, and she’d always been there for him. TARDIS had never felt so close to another Doctor before her Nine. She loved her Doctor long before that, sure, but the time spent with Nine had been some of her favourites. They’d learned to depend on each other, until they’d found Rose. She’d brought a light into her Doctor’s life that a silent, Time Lord companion never could. Humanity.
Arriving back at home, she’d invited Rose over with the promise of a bottle of whiskey, secrets revealed and a spare room should she need it. Tara was busying herself in the kitchen, trying to think of anything but the Doctor (and quite rather failing) when she heard the bell at her door. She hurried over, smiling as she pulled it open.
Rose was a wreck. She'd been struggling since meeting John. There had been a few panicked outbursts since then, with Hawke and Tony, but never with Liam. She'd been trying to stay afloat, doing her best to pretend that things were fine. There wasn't anything she could do, which made things harder. She felt so strongly for both of them, and felt guilty for it. She'd stayed away from John, because she was afraid of what she might do. Maybe that had been a wrong move, though.
Seeing Liam lash out at John had gutted Rose. She knew he blamed himself. She knew how hard it had been for him to see her hurting. Bad Wolf Bay was impossibly heartbreaking, but seeing Liam and John had been almost as hard. Liam's anger, John's terrible sadness, everyone helpless.. Things were falling apart around Rose, and she didn't know how to fix it.
So whiskey. Rose forced a smile when Tara opened the door. "Hey." She wasn't sure when Tara was from, or how she'd known the Doctor for so long. But they seemed to be going through the same thing, and right now she needed to see someone that wasn't him.
Tara’s return smile was forced as well, though she was always happy to see Rose. They didn’t know each other well enough yet to be called close. But Tara’s dreams of Rose made her think they were good friends already. And though Rose didn’t know who or what Tara was in the other world, she selfishly thought she was the perfect one to help her.
“Hey, come on in,” she greeted, stepping back and then shutting the door behind the pink and yellow human. “The living room’s that way,” she said, gesturing as she moved toward the kitchen. “I’m just going to grab a couple of glasses and some ice! Go ahead and sit, I won’t be a moment.”
"Thanks," Rose said, stepping inside. She hesitated before following Tara's direction and heading for the living room. Part of her wanted to offer to help, but it was just a few glasses, and part of being a polite guest was letting the host be a polite host.
She sat down on the couch, taking a deep breath and trying to compose herself. "Your place is nice," she said.
“Thanks,” said Tara as she emerged moments later, glasses filled with ice in either hand and a bottle of whiskey tucked under her arm. “It’s not bigger on the inside or anything, but it works alright.” She was smiling as she set the glasses on the coffee table in front of them, and poured an ounce of whiskey in both. Tara was determined to be strong for everyone. As the TARDIS, she’d always taken care of her passengers. As a human, she could do no different. So she’d smile for Rose and her Doctors and keep strong. The bottle settled on the table, close to reach for a refill. Or fifteen. Depending how the mood of the night went.
Tara lifted her glass, turned to Rose with eyebrows raised, going for a cheers. “To being forced to live with one of the most difficult men in all of Time and Space,” she said. And then added: “But we love him -- sorry, them -- anyway.”
Rose laughed at Tara's joke about not being bigger on the inside. "You should've seen my place before I met the Doctor. I could hardly turn around." Struggling actresses didn't make a lot of money.
She smiled at the toast, lifting her glass and tapping it lightly to Tara's. "Him, them, I haven't figured any of it out, yet." She didn't think they had, either. It was easy enough for people on the outside to differentiate them, to point out how different they were. But when you'd seen him change, stayed with him--it wasn't easy to make your brain understand that it was the same person even though he looked different, and now people just expected her to undo that? It wasn't easy. It still felt like he was the same person. Even though he'd just yelled at himself.
Rose knew that whiskey was meant to be sipped. True, classy whiskey drinkers would scoff at someone shooting it, despite the small glasses it was served in. But all this confusion called for gulping, and Rose downed the first glass much quicker than was considered proper.
Tara watched Rose gulp back her whiskey, and decided why not? She tossed hers back nearly as quickly, refilling their glasses. Alcohol helped.
Part of Tara felt guilty for having Rose over. She quite honestly couldn't say how John would feel about it while he was drowning his sorrows from a dream life. The guilt had been inevitable -- but hearing it before you remember from your past incarnation? Unbearable for this still so human Doctor. All while she was sitting on the same couch as the woman they'd been fighting over.
"Rose," she said after a long moment, considering her words and that she hadn't figured any of it out yet. "I haven't told you who I am, have I?"
They'd talked at Amy's get-togethers when Tara had just assumed she'd been another companion. Since then, she'd discovered her true nature. And she would assume that Liam hadn't spilled the beans. He wasn't the type for spoilers. "John and Liam, they figured it out before I even did."
She let out a breath and shot back that second glass of whiskey. Making a face (it tasted bad!), she shook her head before continuing. The brunette met Rose's eyes, looking just a little bit nervous as she admitted: "I'm the TARDIS."
"You're the.. They. You. What?" Rose blinked. But she was a person. "I've been inside you." That sounded-- "What?"
Rose knocked back her second glass as she tried to mull that over. "You...know a lot about me, don't you?" Probably things the Doctor didn't even know. You didn't think put your best face on for the spaceship you were living in. Tara had seen her when she was alone, and doing ridiculous things like singing in the shower. Tara had seen her in the shower.
"Wow. That's. And they're fighting over me?" Shouldn't they be head over heels for Tara?
“Weeelll,” drew out Tara, setting her glass on the coffee table as she folded her legs under her. “You haven’t been inside me.” She’d better explain -- it was all a bit confusing. Most people, apart from Time Lords, wouldn’t have any idea how a TARDIS worked. “Remember when the Doctor sent you back to Earth at Satellite Five?” she prompted, waiting for confirmation before continuing. “You opened up my shell’s console, and that gold light? That was me. The soul, the heart of the TARDIS. So, um,” she looked away by pouring another glass for them. “I guess I know a lot. But I haven’t remembered everything.”
And that whole singing in the shower thing? Secret’s safe with this one.
When Rose asked about the Doctors fighting over her, Tara just looked at her with an expression that might be read as ‘duh.’ “You’re his Rose,” was all that she said, sipping at her whiskey this time.
"Oh," she said slowly, working it out. "So.. You've been inside me." Details. That certainly was a moment, though. She really wasn't sure quite how she felt about it. Anytime she thought about it, she got really overwhelmed. There were so many thoughts, so many emotions.. and yet she couldn't really get a grasp on any of them. She hadn't been capable of handling.. Tara. There was just too much. "Are you.. okay?"
She followed Tara's lead in sipping whiskey, too much to mull over now. "You're his TARDIS. He's ridiculous about you." She wasn't jealous--at least, she didn't think so. The whiskey was already starting to fog things over. She was surprised Liam hadn't mentioned anything.
Tara raised her eyebrows at Rose’s comment, letting out a breath of a laugh, unable to keep it in despite the heavy feeling in the room. The whiskey was entering her brain, clearly. It was helping her mood.
Was she okay? Tara made a bit of a face, lifting her shoulders. “Yeah, I’m always okay,” she said, sounding a lot like the Doctor in that moment.
Tara was near to pointing out that the Doctor was just ridiculous, even without her influence. But she kept it in, despite the whiskey she was sipping on. “Well, of course he is! I’m his best friend,” she said, as if that had been what Rose was implying the entire time. “We’ve been together hundreds of years. I’m crazy about him, too.”
"You have a better brain than I do, I guess." She would've been torn apart by the TARDIS if the Doctor hadn't stepped in. Rose nodded at Tara's alteration to her assessment, and decided not to push it. Still, she couldn't help wonder if a friendship like that would change once Tara had ladyparts. "Yeah. Well, you can help him, right?" She worried about him. Both of him, really, but she knew she couldn't really be there for John. Not the way he probably wanted her to. Not the way she wished she could. She poured herself another glass.. Third? Fourth?
"It's just... it's so unfair!" What an awful choice to have to make. "I wish I could see them as two different people, but I can't."
Tara shrugged at the brain comment. To be completely honest, she was terrified of when her TARDIS abilities would return. John had mentioned meeting her future self (apparently her brain hadn’t burned up like a typical human’s), but she knew the risks of having the Time Vortex in your head. It wasn’t pretty.
She turned to look at Rose again, shrugging as she finished her glass. To be honest, she’d lost count. “He is the same man. They’re our Doctor, just...” she drifted off, trying to put it into words. She decided to give up on that, instead just concluding with: “They’re so similar. All of this was bound to happen. I’m just... I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for Liam for this. That I haven’t been there for everything.” He was her Doctor, too. She’d been so human and self-concerned.
Rose raked a hand through her hair. It wasn't the answer she'd wanted to hear, but it was the one she knew was true. As much as her friends could tell her about their differences, she knew they were the same. "Then.. how am I supposed to have different feelings for them? I can't just have them both. That would be way too complicated and intimidating." The whiskey was helping her voice some of these thoughts she'd been keeping to herself.
"Things were going really well with Liam," she said, looking down at her empty glass for a few moments before reaching to refill it. "We bought a house. There's a little white picket fence and everything. It was so awkward when we first met, and I was dating someone else, and..." Well, that sounded a lot like dream-them, didn't it? Minus the time travel bit. She shook her head.
Tara was nodding as Rose told her about the house she and Liam had just bought, smiling at the thought of her Nine being happy and comfortable with the love of his long life, and knew all too well the confusion that came along with the Doctor in multiple bodies. Setting her cup back on the table, she had a serious look on her face as she said “I don’t think it’s ever going to get better, Rose. But they’re so human here, they’re so... Fragile.” She decided on that word for the moment, though she knew the Doctor was one of the strongest people she’d ever known. He was plagued by his human forms here, but he was still the Doctor.
“I can’t offer a sure answer, but I can tell you that they are both the Doctor. They will both love you all through Space and Time,” she began, letting out a breath as she shut her eyes for a moment. It was a lot to take in, a lot to comment on. Brown eyes met Rose’s hazel ones and she let a small smile cross her lips. “I know it’s confusing now, but... I think it will sort itself out.”
Rose was fragile, too. At the idea of this never getting better.. Their feelings never changing.. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she thought about it. She didn't think she could hold it together if this went on much longer. "I love him so much, Tara," she said, wiping away tears and sniffling. "It's just.. It's too much!" Two Doctors, loving her through all space and time? That was a lot of pressure! "It's too much love."
When Tara saw the tears coming, she raised a hesitant hand toward Rose. After a moment’s pause, she settled that hand on the blonde’s shoulder, offering that physical comfort. She couldn’t offer the telepathic comfort she’d had as the TARDIS, but this was close enough.
“I know,” was all she said, feeling a lump in her throat at the pure emotion in the room. She was rubbing Rose’s shoulder fondly, shaking her head as she looked down. Tara wasn’t sure what to do. John would know what to do, the Doctor would know how to make her feel better.
Once Rose had started, the tears started pouring. She moved toward Tara, hugging the other woman and pressing her face against her shoulder. Earlier in the night, she'd wanted to get away from the Doctor. She didn't want to see him after how he'd blown up at himself. The whole mess had been too much for her to be around. But even in her frustration, she'd known that she would need him again when all this hit.
Tara secured her arms around Rose, unfolding her legs so she could hold the girl to her shoulder. One hand rubbed the blonde’s back while she sobbed, and she was more than happy to be supportive for the pink and yellow human.
Letting out a small breath of a laugh, Tara shut her eyes and shook her head. “I promise you, Rose,” she began, settling a hand against the back of her head. “No matter how hard this is right now, everything will sort itself out. And I will always be here for you.”