Gaz Membrane will destroy you. (gameslave2) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-03-15 00:25:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, gaz membrane, kitty pryde (shadowcat) |
Who: Gaz and Kitty.
What: Painting Kitty.
When: After their pizza adventure.
Where: Gaz's apartment.
Rating: PG-13.
Trigger Warnings: Self-harm, suicidal ideation, mourning PC character death.
Status: Complete!
Gaz had driven back from the pizza place, fast and loose, winding through the lanes. When they got to Gaz’s place, she was humming to herself, Slayer on the stereo. The windows were down, and Gaz felt in a good mood.
The drive had brought Kitty’s own mood back up. She was still a little flustered, mostly with herself. She knew she wasn’t ready for anything, but there was a growing part of her that wanted Gaz to be there when she was. Which wasn’t fair to Gaz, and risked Kitty hurting herself down the line if the other girl met someone in the interim. She walked around the place, studying it like she would a very interesting puzzle.
Gaz’s apartment was dark due to blackout drapes. But when the light in her room was on, a mural lit up the walls, and there was an easel with a blank canvas set up on her bed. Her bed was covered with a white, paint dotted sheet to protect it while she painted. “So, uh. Sit anywhere. You can play games if you want?”
"Wow, that's..gorgeous." Kitty walked up to the mural, looking it over. While staring at it, she asked, "You don't need me to pose, or anything? I should've worn better clothes.." Or if she needed to strip.
“Nope, I have a good imagination.” Gaz started to mix paints so she could get the brown in Kitty’s hair right. She was going to need four or five, at least.
Kitty walked over to the console, and started looking through the stack of games. “Just how good is your imagination?” She took a seat after putting in a game. Kitty was an intent player who clearly enjoyed herself at the same time.
“Pretty much limitless.” Gaz spoke as she worked, eyebrows narrowed in concentration. “I’d rather live there than here, honestly.”
"Wouldn't you be lonely there?" Kitty had put in an adventure type game she hadn't played before, and was irritated by how long the tutorial was taking.
“I’d have company.” Gaz was already starting, working and looking at Kitty while she painted. She sat on her bed, kneeling, tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth.
“Yeah?” Kitty pulled off a combo that brought a grin to her face. “As long as you’re not alone, I suppose it’s not too bad. But getting lost in your imagination isn’t always a cake walk.”
“I can control it. So it’s comforting. The dreams aren’t even that bad. They’re kind of funny. The alien has a robot that disguises itself as a talking dog, but nobody but me and my brother notice. That’s kinda funny.”
"So the entire planet is holding the idiot ball?" Kitty asked. She pulled off another series of combos and turned to look at Gaz, grinning. She paused the game. She thought Gaz looked adorable.
“Oh yeah. My family was the smartest group of people there, and considering how stupid my brother was, it was me and my dad.” She took the opportunity of Kitty’s attention to mix up a color for her eyes.
"Wow. In my dreams everyone is a genius, and /or a super model. I mean...look at me, I know I'm not that plain, but when you're standing next to ..Betsy Braddock the asian with the super long legs and tits out to here....It's hard to not feel self-conscious."
Gaz gave Kitty a glare. “Shut up, Kate. You’re a million times hotter than me. Or anyone else in this room.”
"Gaz, you're drop dead gorgeous, you shut up," Kitty retorted. "I'm not that hot. Not as hot as you. God you fill out that outfit and it's distracting."
That made Gaz blink. “I just wear things I like that look cool. I’m not doing it on purpose.”
“That’s what makes it so hot.” She turned back to the tv and continued her game, a mysterious smile on her face. She was enjoying the banter.
“That makes no sense. Did you know your eyes have a little bit of red in them?” Gaz smiled, shaking her head.
“Yeah? I had no idea!” Kitty turned an interesting shade of pink, and she glanced back at Gaz out of the corner of her eyes. Gaz felt like an...opportunity. She almost wanted to say an escape, but it wasn’t that, not really. She just needed to figure out what it was.
“Most people’s eyes aren’t one color.” Gaz smiled as she worked, actually enjoying herself. Rare were the moments where she was happy, but painting? That was always her solace.
Kitty died a couple of times as she was distracted with watching the process of Gaz painting. Except for the sounds of bad guys dying, it was silent, so she decided to fill it a bit. "I've posed a bit before. Real posing. An ex-boyfriend did painting."
“What was he like? Why’s he an ex?” Gaz liked hearing about Kitty. She’d done things. Gaz had pretty much lived and not really done a lot of living. She’d existed.
"Russian. Really big. In a lot of ways." Kitty laughed, knowing what that sounded like but it was the truth. "He was in the country as an exchange student for awhile. His sister is actually living with me. We kind of went separate directions in our lives. He's overprotective possessive and can get violent. He beat the crap out if another boyfriend in the dreams."
“You like guys and girls too?” She wrinkled her nose at the overprotective thing. “Ugh. But then again, I don’t know if I wouldn’t be that way too, though.”
"You don't turn into living metal with enough strength to crush tanks," Kitty said lightly. "Yeah, I like both. I mean, really, really like both." Toys existed for a reason, because there'd been itches that Xi'an couldn't scratch without them.
"Even in this world, he was pretty strong. I think part of me was afraid of him. And judging from some of the dreams I've had, I was right to be." The whole thing with the Phoenix Five had been about as close to a nightmare abusive boyfriend scenario as she'd ever experienced. She'd half expected Piotr to incinerate her on the spot.
“That’s not cool.” Gaz tended to speak in understatements and generalities, but at the same time, she figured that the dreams were one place and they were in another.
"No it's not. He's in Russia right now and with the mafia there so I doubt he'll ever be an issue." She laughed. "I don't think about it much, and most of the time he was a sweet heart. I just matured too much for him now, I think."
“Girls do that faster than boys anyway.” Gaz mixed greys to find a silver color she was happy with.
"True." Kitty grinned. "We also do it better than boys. Sex with a woman is.." And here she grew a little wistful and sad. "Amazing. I know I had a good teacher, but I think it would take a
really awesome guy to get me to swing back. When I could have a girl and toys to scratch the guy itch? Pff."
“I don’t know. Sex both ways is okay.” She shrugged. “It takes the right person to get me off anyway.” So far, just Logan. Which was irritating.
Kitty coughed, then paused the game again and rubbed her face. She shot a look of disbelief at Gaz. "Really? Have you been with a girl and as she gotten you off?" There was almost a 'challenge accepted' tone to her voice.
“I have, and she didn’t.” Gaz shrugged.
"She did it wrong," Kitty replied, looking a little annoyed. Mostly at herself, but also at this mysterious woman. For once she wished her hair was long again so she could hide in it.
“She didn’t do anything. I went down on her.” Gaz figured that the other woman had just wanted to get off.
"You didn't..she didn't reciprocate?" Kitty sounded like this baffled her, and it did. Sex was about mutual enjoyment, and going down on a woman was almost more fun than receiving. She would have gotten up and given Gaz a hug if the other girl wasn't busy. "That's..not right."
“Eh, she’s crazier than I am.” Gaz didn’t really mind, and hadn’t minded too much at the time. “She did weird electric stuff with her wand, which is fine, but not my thing.”
"...wand? Huh. I know a couple witches.." She wondered who it was. And she wondered why she was jealous. Kitty put the controller down, and moved to sit by the window. It did interesting things to her hair, and she was trying to think.
"That's not really fair."
“Ehn.” Gaz made a noncommittal sound, redoing Kitty’s hair a little. “When did you first know you liked girls? I just tried it once and it didn’t suck.”
"I kind of suspected a few years ago. Then I kissed my roommate last year but I thought I was just drunk." She shrugged a shoulder. "I met Xi'an in a coffee shop and it was...like lightning, really. Things suddenly made a lot more sense. It's like..how the hell didn't I know before?"
“I just sort of figured out when I was at a party and this chick kissed me. I thought ‘oh, this doesn’t suck’.” For Gaz, that was high praise.
"Doesn't suck?" Kitty laughed. She felt her throat tighten. It felt like it would take a lot to get through Gaz, and who could compete with Logan? "How's it coming?"
“Got most of the background done.” Gaz turned the painting around. It was about a quarter of the way outlined, but one could make out a triumphant Kitty, holding a sword aloft and smiling amongst many beheaded combatants.
"Brutal. The painting, not the kissing." Kitty smiled, unsure how to take the painting right now, when it was in an unfinished state. she wasn't sure where Gaz was going with it yet, and couldn't see any of that wonderful duality from her other paintings. But she liked the process. She was resisting the urge to close the distance between them.
Kitty would be in a veil of light when Gaz finished, like she’d been chosen to do the fighting. Returning to the painting, Gaz nodded her head, still in the blissed out place she got to when she worked.
Kitty’s smile softened, and she stood, watching Gaz paint for a moment. She spoke, “Want me to get us some drinks?”
“Yeah, can you pour me a glass of port? It’s the wine.” She knelt up so she could reach the top, finally getting to the landscape. It was her favorite part of any painting.
She watched a moment longer, then left the bedroom. She located the wine easily enough, sniffing it. It smelled really good.
Kitty then poured them both some glasses, then headed back into the bed room. She put Gaz's on the table next to the bed, then her own. It was warm, so she pulled her sweater off. She had on a white tank top with a red sports bra underneath it.
"Sorry, it's warm."
“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not your fault you’re hot. Blame your parents.”
“I think I got it from my grandmother.” She laughed at that, picking up her wine and taking a sip. “Oh that tastes good!”
“Port’s a dessert wine, so it’s sweet.” Gaz’s brow furrowed. She wanted to capture the essence of Kitty’s laugh, and her eyebrows knit in focus.
"I like sweet things," she admitted. Kitty took another sip, closed her eyes and swirled the glass around in her hand as she stood there. "My favorite dessert is really sweet."
“I mostly like pizza and booze, but sometimes I want chocolate. What’s your favorite dessert?” Gaz cocked her head to the side, ignoring it when it cracked loudly.
"Triple chocolate fudge cake," Kitty replied. "Completey decadent, but soooo good." Better if eaten off of someone, but she didn't say that out loud. "You ever try sushi? Oh! I know this place that makes amazing pancakes!”
“I like sushi and pancakes too. Depends on my mood, though.” Gaz looked up, rubbed a shoulder in thought, and then went for some yellow.
Kitty didn't think about it. She just put her drink down and walked behind Gaz. She put her hands on her shoulders and started to rub, gently at first, then with more firmness. “I have a general love of things Japanese.”
The rub made Gaz’s eyes close, and she rumbled low in her throat, a bit like a purr. “Must’ve learned that from Logan, huh.”
“Yeah, actually. He trained me. Not just in martial arts, but culture, and language. I actually know quite a few languages.” She spoke in a way that wasn’t meant to brag. Except maybe she was, a little bit. Kitty pressed her thumbs hard into a knot on Gaz’s back. She leaned in and murmured something in French.
Kitty’s mouth against Gaz’s ear made her eyes flutter closed, made her paintbrush falter in the air. She leaned back against Kitty’s fingers, whimpering quietly. “You - you probably don’t want to,” she muttered.
Breath warm, and lips almost close enough to touch, Kitty felt her heart pounding in her chest. She didn't say anything more, and continued to work at Gaz's muscles with her fingers. She wanted to, and it was tearing her up inside.
Gaz wanted to stand up, knew it was the right thing to do, but she didn’t move. Instead, she turned around to meet Kitty’s eyes. It was weird, she wasn’t used to people liking her.
Licking her lips, Kitty held Gaz's eyes. Her own were dark with need, and watery with unshed emotion. Pain, longing, grief and conflict all crashing together like waves in a storm.
She kept her hands on Gaz's shoulder, and her lips brushed the other girl's cheek before she pulled away. "I'm sorry..I couldn't.. I wanted.."
Kitty was going to cry. Oh, god. She was going to cry.
Gaz reached out and hugged her. “I know what you want. It’s what I do. You want to just sort of ... escape fuck. But it won’t help you. You’re not me. You’ll feel worse when you’re done.” Her hands stroked Kitty’s hair gently, rocking her lightly. “You can cry if you want to, Kate.”
Kitty sort of folded into Gaz, sitting on her lap and nuzzling her face in against her neck as tears burned down her cheeks. It felt like acid betrayal, but she choked out the words. "I don't just want it to be an escape fuck, Gaz! I just know I ..want it and it's too soon and I'm betraying her." Whatever 'it' might be, she knew it wasn't just sex. Kitty's voice caught on her next words. "Her ashes are still in my house for god's sake!"
Her tears turned into sobs.
Gaz said nothing, just continued to rock her friend back and forth, petting her hair.
She had wanted to avoid breaking down on Gaz. She’d thought she’d been doing an admirable job, but with how...raw Gaz made her feel it had only been a matter of time. Her shoulders shook and she tried to swallow back the sobs, or muffle them against the other girl’s skin.
There was nothing Gaz could do to help her stop crying. She just hummed quietly under her breath, a tuneless, quiet thing designed to make her quiet just a little so she could hear her.
Eventually, Kitty quieted. She took several deep breaths, fingers tightening on Gaz's arms. "...sorry. I'm really sorry, I wasn't..planning on getting you all wet."
“S’fine. I can put my shirt in the dryer.” She’d been tempted to make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke, but it didn’t really seem like the time.
Sitting up, Kitty rubbed at her eyes, and smiled at Gaz. “I’ll have to make it up to you somehow.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s fine, really.” Gaz leaned back, petting Kitty’s hair. “You okay?”
“Yes..no..not really.” Kitty leaned into the petting, closing her eyes as Gaz inadvertantly discovered one of Kitty’s favorite things.
“I wouldn’t be okay for a while either. I’ve never really been in love with anyone. Thought I was. But I’m not.”
She nodded her head. It was good to hear that from someone else. “Thought you were? It’s a really awesome feeling, I hope you experience it some day.”
“Someday I will.” Gaz shrugged. “No rush.”
“Should..let you get back to painting.” Kitty moved to get off of Gaz’s lap.
“You sure?” Gaz looked into Kitty’s eyes. “I can get you some water.” Water was what you gave girls who were upset.
“Water is good.” She stopped trying to get out of Gaz’s lap. Maybe she could blame the crying fit on the port, right?
Gaz hopped up to get Kitty a glass of ice water, biting her lower lip. “Kitty? You’re ... awesome. I like you. But I’m not ... good.”
“You’re not good?” She asked, shifting into a cross-legged position and following Gaz with her head.
“I’m kind of fucked up. I’ve killed someone. I hurt myself for fun. I fuck Logan so he’ll kill me. You don’t need to fall for someone like me, Kate.”
Kitty listened to her, her eyes softening as Gaz spoke. She was stubborn, especially when it came to someone she was viewing as a friend. "Everyone is fucked up a little bit, Gaz. You don't have to cut yourself or fuck people to feel things to be messed up. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve good things."
“I do. But you deserve better.”
"Don't you think the only person who should be telling me what I deserve is me?" Kitty's voice was light, but there was a bit of hurt there.
“What if you don’t know how good you deserve?”
Kitty rested her face in the palms of her hands for a moment. Maybe it was for the best, if they pushed each other away. She didn't want to. Gaz made her feel like she was...if not whole again, then as though maybe, someday she could be.
“You’re a ... sunny person. You make me smile. But I don’t really ... want to be fixed. I like how I live.”
"I don't want to...fix you," Kitty protested. It wasn't a lie, or at least not a complete one. She wanted to see Gaz smile, and be happy. She wanted to be happy, herself.
“But the thing is. I’m okay. Right now - doing what I do. I don’t want to be different.” Gaz closed her eyes.
"Yeah...okay." Kitty rubbed at her arm with her hand, looking down at the ground, then over at the painting. "Sorry."
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I need more friends. You were right about that.” Gaz sat down and snuggled close to her. “You weren’t wrong.”
Resting her head on Gaz's shoulder, Kitty nodded. "I'm … good for that. And I owe you a shoulder to cry on, sometime."
“You can always come cry to me, too. I don’t mind.” Gaz didn’t cry often, but if she did, she’d call Kitty.
I’ll try not to take advantage of the privilege.”