This has affected you so deeply. I can’t go that deep.
Who: Obi-Wan and Faiza Where: Faiza's Home What: Obi can't shake his mental link with Kitty. Faiza and he decide it may be best to take a break. When: March 3rd, Middle of the Night; Following this conversation. Warnings/Rating: PG for Sad Status: Complete
He was starting to feel a little blunt around the edges. Worn down. There are stages in grieving and regardless of where Kitty found herself, the imbalanced emotions Obi-Wan was experiencing had left him feeling depleted. He mourned Xi’an so unnaturally that he had run out of ways to make sense of it. It had bled into his relationship with Faiza, which he’d known was inevitable from the start. All his fears were coming true, exactly as he’d predicted them.
It was the middle of the night and Obi-Wan was sitting in his truck in front of Faiza’s house. He’d been sitting there for a long time, deciding what to do. He was even praying. What he expected from her and knew he deserved was the worst prediction of them all.
Faiza was wide awake, playing with the remote of one of her robos and trying to convince herself she should sleep. God only knew what was in store in the morning and she really should get some sleep, but she was torn up all inside about this...whatever was going on with Obi-Wan.
She felt inadequate. And a little jealous. His feelings for Kitty obviously ran deep. So deep that she didn’t wonder that maybe...Obi-Wan was with the wrong person.
For a few minutes now, Obi-Wan had been pressing his forehead against the steering wheel, and he finally lifted it. He was full of dread, but he wasn’t a coward, and it was time to face whatever lay in store once he knocked and announced his presence. There was just enough light inside the house to signal that Faiza was awake. It broke his heart knowing he was the reason.
The street was very quiet, a stillness Obi-Wan knew his footsteps and jingling keys disrupted on his way up the front path. The knock on the door was like a canon.
Faiza looked at the door. The knock seemed to cut through her. But she got up, and opened it, then stepped aside so he could enter. She was too torn up inside to do anything except offer him some tea. Stiff upper lip and all.
He turned down the tea. Obi-Wan hadn’t come to beat around the bush. He’d come because he loved her and was willing to accept whatever Faiza decided to do with him. But he wanted her to wrap her arms around him. Oh God, how he wanted that. And then the next second he felt miserable all over again.
“I know I haven’t been a very good friend to you lately, let alone boyfriend.”
She wrapped her arms around her waist. “I think there just might be a failure of understanding, on my part. Maybe a little..jealousy.”
“Jealousy?” Obi-Wan repeated, blinking. He couldn’t think of why, unless she meant of himself, because he’d been so selfish lately. At least he thought so.
"Yes. You have such a deep link with this girl. I know that it is irrational and a little unfair but if her grief can affect you like this and her anger drag you down, how can my own feelings ever compare to that?"
Again, his eyelids fluttered. “You’re jealous of Kitty?” He wanted to sound more stunned, but by the time the words passed his lips, it didn’t sound so far-fetched. He had no romantic interest in her, but that wasn’t the point, now was it?
“Our minds have become linked and I don’t know how to break it. And frankly, my friendship with her is on the rocks as well. Her violent outbursts are...” He hung his head and shook it.
“Not your fault,” Faiza said, shaking her head. She moved to get herself some tea. “And a natural part of the grieving process, even if she might take it a bit far.” Classic understatement.
Obi-Wan agreed, lifting his brows and grunting a short Hm. He followed her into the kitchen and sat at the table, folding his fingers together. He watched the way his love moved, swaying from side-to-side. They had happy memories in this kitchen.
“What hurts most of all for me is that,” he paused to take a breath. “I really think things between you and I were going so well. I’ve be so happy.”
"They were. I don't see why they won’t again." Faiza picked up her cup. "Do you?"
“I want to believe everything will be fine. Perhaps when Kitty feels better, the link will fade.”
“That could be months!” Faiza sat up straighter, in protest. “It took me a very long time to get over my parents.”
Obi-Wan clenched his jaw. His eyes moved back and forth across the table before he lifted his head. He reached for her wrist and touched it gently. “Faiza... I still love you. That hasn’t changed.”
“Do you love me enough?” She snapped, eyes flashing as she pulled her hand away.
He was nearly moved to grasp her hand before Faiza could move it, but ultimately let her do what she needed to do. She had asked him a question that he deserved to be asked, no mater how it hurt to feel her pull away. "If knew how to fix this, you know I would. You believe that, don't you? Faiza, I am so in love with you.
“I love you too, Obi-wan, but I....” She trailed off and stared into her tea. “This has affected you so deeply. I can’t go that deep. I just can’t and it hurts.”
He pulled his hand back, his fingertips quivering. He turned his gaze aside, blinking back a sudden blurring of his vision. “Okay...” Obi-Wan nodded briskly. The hammer had fallen. “Okay.”
It felt as if all the air had suddenly been pulled from the room, sucked from his very lungs.
Faiza felt... second. That was the problem. It was horrible and selfish but that’s how she felt and it made her heart twist around in her chest. “I can’t ask you to just cut her off completely. I don’t even think you can ask yourself that.”
He swallowed, trying to get some moisture back into his mouth. He thought not only of Kitty, but of Loras. It seemed he was always doomed to stretch himself too thin. Keeping all this in mind, Obi-Wan wasn’t sure if he ought to defend himself at all. “Kitty is like family,” he found himself saying. “She saved my life. And yes, we have a deep bond, but--”
Obi-Wan stopped himself. No, he didn’t want to construct a defence. Faiza was right, even though she hadn’t said the words exactly; she had been treated as second.
The doctor sighed, gripping her cuppa tighter in her hands. She felt unfair to place him on the spot for this. She wanted to apologize. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t fair. Lets just...drop the subject.”
He didn’t think she was being unfair at all. He sighed heavily, leaning back against his chair. “So... what do you want to do?”
There had been times in the last few weeks when Obi-Wan had seriously considered ending his relationship with her, while Kitty reeled from loss and anger. The idea of leaving Faiza behind, should anything happen to him, was something he wanted to spare her. And then once the depression had settled in, he became too paralyzed to make any decision at all. Now that it had come to it, the idea of losing her was absolutely abhorrent. But it was no longer his decision to make. It was hers.
“I don’t know,” Faiza said, her voice cracking. “I don’t know what to do. You love me, but then you have this connection with other people and not with me and I don’t know how to feel about that.”
Obi-Wan stretched out his hand again, laying it across the table. He felt close to begging her to take it. He wanted to pull Faiza close and hold her. He wanted to cry into her dark curls. But he could stiffen his upper lip, too. "The connection is real, but my heart is still yours... But, if this is too much for you... I understand."
“Blast.” Faiza hesitated, then put her hand on top of Obi-wan’s. She sound a lot calmer than she felt. It was impossible to mask the turmoil inside her. “Maybe we both need some time. You to sort your head and me to sort mine.”
Obi-Wan’s nod was a very slight motion, short and controlled. The muscles in his jaw and neck had become very tight. He ran his thumb across her hand, feeling the heat that lingered from the mug of tea.
He wanted to say something like Okay or Alright, but even a short word like that seemed impossible to manage. He rose from his chair and the scrape against the floor was much louder than it ought to have been.
Obi-Wan bent down, meaning to press his lips against Faiza’s temple before he left. He hoped she wouldn’t pull away.
Faiza didn't pull away, but she did start to cry. Silent, wordless tears that streaked down her dark cheeks.
The sound of the kiss echoed in his ears. Obi-Wan’s lips lingered on her skin as he said goodnight. Pulling away was difficult beyond words. Turning and leaving the house was even worse.