“When am I ever wrong, Rabbit?” Who: Helen & Varric What: Feelings When: Following thesetexts. Where: Their house Rating: Low Status: Complete!
Nikola is getting married.
She sank into a chair, cradling her phone in her lap like a lifeline. Married. Nikola. Something inside her frayed and twisted, making her feel sick to her stomach, and she closed her eyes, jumping when her phone vibrated.
Setting it aside, she stood, feeling decidedly unsteady as she made her way into the living room. But she still smiled when Alice proudly presented her with a sheet of scribbled color, kneeling beside her and kissing her cheek, letting her assign meaning to each shape, some more incomprehensible than others.
“It’s perfect, my darling.” Brushing the girl’s hair back from her face, she handed the drawing back to her. “Why don’t you go play with Finn for a little while? Okay?”
Nodding, Alice hugged her neck, pressing the paper back into her hand. “You keep it.”
As her daughter took off in search of the dogs, Helen pressed the picture against the floor, smoothing out the crinkles. She had half a dozen similar “masterpieces” tucked away in her room, and another handful attached to the fridge. She treasured each of them.
Turning back to the mess Alice had left, she slowly began gathering crayons, dropping them into a small plastic box, stacking the papers neatly and laying them on top of it. Leaving the box on a low shelf, she straightened, surveying the rest of the room. The scattered toys would be next. She’d nearly forgotten how exhausting it could be keeping up with a child. She didn’t mind, though. And the relatively mindless task helped fill the time.
Nikola was getting married. She should be happy for him. She was happy for him. Lulu was lovely, and she seemed to make him happy. He deserved that much.
Then why didn’t she feel like congratulating him?
The heart was a funny thing. It often nursed old wounds and kept them fresh, just waiting for the right opportunity to rip open. Varric was familiar with this feeling. Many parts of his past were shrouded, obscured even from himself through careful selection of memory, and avoidance of certain topics. So as he walked into the door, he understood what it was like to love someone you couldn’t have.
She was still sitting in the floor when he came in, studying the drawing, a stuffed bunny in her lap. She didn’t stand to greet him, though, patting the space beside her.
Varric sat down next to her, sitting with his feet under his legs, and waited for her to talk. It was usually best to let her talk.
“He asked me to be his best man.”
“That’s wonderful, Rabbit!”
“It should be.”
“You’re not happy,” he said, after a moment’s watching her.
She shook her head, idly toying with the rabbit’s ears as she looked down at her lap. “And I’m not even sure why.”
"You still love him," he said, simply. "You wonder how it could be different."
“I don’t love Nikola.”
“Say that with more conviction.”
She wanted to protest. Instead, she murmured, “I shouldn’t love him.”
“The heart can’t help it.” Varric smiled sadly. “Some wounds never heal.”
“You deserve better from me.” Then quietly, “He does, as well.”
“What do you deserve, Helen?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know, then how do you know we deserve better,” he pointed out.
“Because I’m not good enough for either of you.” She’d already broken Nikola’s heart once, and Varric deserved someone who wasn’t still harboring feelings for someone else.
“Then what do you deserve?” He pressed.
“Maybe I don’t deserve anyone at all.”
“Rabbit. You deserve someone, just like anyone else.”
Another shake of her head. "I hurt the people I love. I don't want to hurt anyone else."
“Then what will you do about it?” he asked her, seriously.
She didn't have an answer for that. "Tell me what to do?"
“No. No, Helen. I won’t tell you what to do. Only you can.”
"I can't."
“You can.” His voice was firm. Maybe too firm, but Varric wanted Helen to come to decisions for herself, and no one else.
“What if you’re wrong?”
Varric chuckled. “When am I ever wrong, Rabbit?”
That won a faint smile. “There’s a first time for everything.”
“What do we need to do to get you to prove to yourself you deserve these things?” Varric asked. “Do I need to take Alice on a vacation alone so you can sort it out?” Does Helen need to go to Nikola?
Perhaps there were parts of Varric wondering if she was with the wrong person.
She looked up, startled, reaching for his hand. "No."
“No?”
"I don't want you to leave."
“It would only be for a day or two.”
“No.” She gripped his hand more tightly, tugging it toward her lap. “I want you to stay.”
Varric stopped moving. “Do you think you deserve me?”
“I think you deserve someone better,” she answered carefully, “But I want to be selfish.”
Sighing, Varric shook his head. “They’re one in the same.”
“I want you. I want Alice.” She didn’t know if she was convinced she deserved them, but she also wasn’t willing to give them up. “And I need you here.”
“And if Nikola walked back into your life?”
“He already did. And I chose you.”
“Then you deserve me, and you’re stuck with me.”
She leaned into him slightly, slowly nodding. “Even when I thought I’d chosen him,” she trailed off, searching for the right words. There had been times, even then, when she wondered if she’d made the wrong decision. Times when being with Nikola hadn’t felt like it should. Though she hadn’t recognized them until after.
“He didn’t want her.”
“Who didn’t he want?” Varric asked.
"Alice."
Varric fell silent, then he nodded his head. “I see. Alice is very important.”
"She belongs here. If he belonged here, he would have understood that."
“Point.” Varric chuckled, and put his arms around her.
"Thank you. For understanding." She was quiet a moment before reaching for the paper in front of her. "She matters."
“She does,” He agreed, pressing his lips to her head.
"Perhaps I should call Nikola."
“For what?”
"To congratulate him."
“I’m sure he’d want to hear you. You’re his best man after all.”
"If he hasn't asked someone else."
“Helen...” Varric said sternly, and handed her her phone.
She accepted the phone with a small nod. "I'll call him."