Abarai Renji is tenacious. (renji) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-02-26 17:37:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | darcy lewis, renji abarai |
Who: Darcy Lewis, Renji Abarai
What: Renji "attempts" to be a badass and save Darcy from the mushroom she's stuck in. Yeah, this so happened.
When: Backdated. Following this fine exchange on the valar net, before Wonderland went poof and disappeared.
Where: Giant Mushroom in the Wonderland O.C.!
Rating: PG, foul language can and did happen.
Status: Complete!
Indeed, Renji made it to the mushroom in one piece, though his lemon car was missing some lemon rind on the back end. That was from backing up into creepy plant signpost. Once on accident and twice because the signpost made him angry that it wasn't a regular signpost, like it should be. He wasn't sure if his lemon car was going to have a dent in it's bumper when it turned back into his piece o' shit mobile, but it was worth it to get his frustration out.
Once he'd parked outside of the giant mushroom, Renji stood outside it and surveyed the situation, with crossed arms and his mouth set in a firm line.
He could do this. He would do this. Arrows? Avoided. Damsel in distress? No problem. Giant mushroom? Pfft. Inconsequential next to his might.
Renji stretched his arms up over his head for a moment, popped his neck, and then yelled up at the mushroom like he was ready to defeat some foes, "HEY, VALAR NET GIRL! YOU STILL STUCK IN THERE OR WHAT?!"
He craned his neck to listen for a reply. A banging of a fist against a mushroom wall, a scream, a crow cawing off in the distance? Anything!
Who the hell came up with all of this crazy lsd-inspired crap? Actually Darcy was pretty sure that this whole thing had something to do with Alice in Wonderland. What else looked like this? Not a damn thing, that was for sure. Normally it wouldn’t bother her, but clearly this wasn’t Wonderland. People were getting bit and shot at, and she was stuck in a fucking mushroom.
After trying to figure out where the elevator was, only to find out that they were now filled with some kind of butter-like substance, she went to go find a window. She had to cut a window out with a letter opener she found in her desk.
As she was cutting, she heard a voice. That must be the guy who was coming to help her. With one last heft, the mushroom broke free and there was now a giant hole that she could stick her head through. And hopefully the rest of her, if it came down to that. Where the hell was everyone else anyway? No matter.
“Hey!” she called down. “That’s me! Why the hell do I not have a fuck ton of long hair to swing down on? Uh.. well any suggestions on how the hell I can get down from here? The elevator is filled with butter or something.”
Hey now. Butter and mushrooms go together, but that was probably not something to be pointed out. Because it would involve the whole place going up in flames in order to saute it, and if someone thought they were going to starve before they escaped, they might try to cook their home..
"BUTTER AND MUSHROOMS GO TOGETHER!”
...well there goes not pointing it out.
“GOOD GOING, YOU! WAY TO SHOW THE SHROOM WHO'S BOSS BY DIGGING THROUGH IT!" Renji unnecessarily yelled at max volume, while pointing an accusing index finger at her. Nevermind that he was wearing his (now supa-colorful) Teriyaki BurgerTown uniform. Even he forgot that he had it on, so he looked like a primary colored eyesore. "UNLESS WE CAN FIND YOU SOME ULTRA-GROW ROGAINE FOR WOMEN, I'M GONNA NEED A LADDER! OR LET ME FIND SOMETHING YOU CAN FALL INTO! THAT! WE'RE DOING THAT!"
Because jumping out of the hole someone made in a giant mushroom and falling into or onto something, seemed like a suddenly awesome idea.
Yeah she didn’t want to be in a mushroom when someone set it on fire because they were hungry. That was the last thing she needed. She stared down at him all confused like and realized that this guy was actually crazy. Though she didn’t know exactly what kind of crazy. Maybe she’d figure that out if she got down off his mushroom.
“NO ONE IS COOKING THIS MUSHROOM. I WILL TAZE ANYONE WHO COMES NEAR IT!” Including him, though hopefully he understood that part. “GOOD IDEA. TRY SOME VINES OR SOMETHING. THERE HAS TO BE SOME, SOMEWHERE.” Right? Didn’t things like that grow all over the place in weird places like this?
Nope, he didn't get that part. It flew right over his head, which is an impressive feat, since it had to fly over all six-foot-two of Renji, who was kinda Gung Ho Insane. Which Darcy is probably finding out, if she's already reached the all too important first step by asking herself if someone's crazy or not.
"YEAH! You taze anyone who gets near it and I'll go...uhh...I'LL FIND YOU A ROPE...VINE...THING! Stay put!" He went bounding off in one direction. One minute later, he ran back the other way, giving her the uno-momento finger gesture. Not THE finger, but then again, Renji has done that before, so no one would really put that past him.
Triumph! Looking a little too pleased with himself, Renji finally trudged back into view with what looked like a giant red licorice vine, with giant black licorice thorns on it.
"Here, CATCH!" He wound it up like a lasso and let the end of it fly, like a crazy ass with no compensation for if it was going to thwack anyone in the face or not. “Catch it with your teeth if you haveta!”
See? He’s helping.
Oh she’s definitely asking herself if the guy she asked to help was nuts. Maybe she should have asked MItchell for help instead. Of course he was probably trying to rescue his girlfriend. Whatever. Darcy just waved him off, “I’m not going anywhere!” she yelled down and then promptly just kept watch. For both the vine and anyone who was crazy enough to try and burn down a mushroom.
It didn’t seem like anyone else was around though. When he came back, she blinked a little but then she wasn’t so surprised. Well. Here went nothing.
She leaned out the window and groped the black licorice until she caught it. She dragged some of it in through the window and then looked for a place to tie it. In the end, she had to just jam it up against something and hoped it held her weight.
“Be prepared to catch me!” she called down again as she went to slowly climb all the way to the bottom.
"Oh, I got this! No problem!" So says Mister Overconfident. He waved it off like this was all a piece of cake and stood below, holding out both arms like he was waiting to catch a beach ball. To his credit, at least he didn't say she resembled a beach ball. "I hope you don't weigh a lot or we're screwed!"
Nevermind. He went ahead and said that. Luckily, his eyes went wide about 2.5 seconds after that left his big mouth, and Renji attempted to quickly recover. He was waving his hands wildly up at Darcy, while running circles around the licorice rope.
"No! I-I...meant...I mean....THE VIEW LOOKS GOOD FROM DOWN HERE! YOU DON'T HAVE A FAT ASS! YOU ARE DOING GREAT! I'M BEING REASSURING!"
Sure he is.
“Hey! A lady doesn’t weigh a lot. Shut up or you’ll get tazed.” Oh he was going to get smacked for that comment. It was a good thing that she was doing a good job shimmying all the way down the licorice. Though to be fair, it wasn’t like she was a stick figure. She had half a mind to jump down and then land on him so that he broke her fall. It was so so tempting.
“YOU ARE NOT HELPING. SHUT UP! I SWEAR TO..” Oh screw it. When she was a couple feet off the ground, she promptly launched herself at him in order to land square um.. well wherever as long as it was on him. Knock him down onto the ground and squish him.
That’s what he got for being an idiot. “Do you ever think before you speak?” Her ass was pretty nice though.
"What? SHHH! That's embarrassing. Don't say you're gonna taze me, or people will think I'm a rapist or something! I AM NOT A RAPIST!"
He made sure that was loud and clear, until he saw a falling chick falling right at him. Renji's eyes bugged out and he thrust both arms out to catch her. The resulting spectacular collision was going to knock the air out of his lungs. Arms and legs were going to go everywhere, so they resembled a demented pretzel of human limbs in every which direction. We will stop short of saying it’s a human pretzel orgy...or not, since it is now there in black and white, burned into everyone’s brains who reads these words upon this page.
It was a few token seconds before Renji caught his breath again to say anything, "...I think before I spee-...ow-ouch...y-you're fuggin’ heavier than you look, or your elbows double as really jabby weapons. I dunno which."
Someone really is due for a tazing. Because contrary to what he tried to say about thinking before speaking? Sometimes (most times), he really doesn't.
“I AM GOING TO TAZE YOU FOR BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS!” she countered. Forget being a rapist, he was going to get it out of principle alone.
Down she went and he did kind of break her fall. It still hurt like a bitch though. She grunted a bit as she landed in that pile of limbs and things. There will be no orgies! Not with the way he’s talking about her anyway. “I AM NOT HEAVY!” and for that, she elbowed him right in the stomach. Hmph. Yeah she was going to find someone else to rescue her next time. Not that there would be a next time, but dammit.
Finally she managed to untangle herself from him and get up to her feet. She didn’t bother helping him get up, because he was a jerk. Then she reached in her bag and pulled out said tazer. “Say another word about how big I am. I dare you.”
"...can't talk...elbowed...gonna puke," Renji managed to say, rolling around in a fetal position, hugging onto his stomach. Once he didn't feel like he was going to hurl, Renji finally sat up and gave Darcy an accusatory glare. "...the hell. You hit hard enough to be a man! I’d hate to go a round with you in the ring. Damn!"
Well, at least it wasn't about her weight? Now he's simply insinuating - unthinkingly - that she's burly and perhaps could arm wrastle a lumberjack.
There was so much glaring right now. He was so lucky that looks couldn’t kill people. That’s what he deserved for calling her all those names. Oh she would glare right back at him and not waver at all. “You’re damn right, and if you don’t shut up about how big I am, or how manly, I am going to taze you next.”
She hit the switch on her tazer and it sparked to life. One quick pull of the trigger and he’d go down like a sweet muffin! “You are really rude and disrespectful, you know that?”
"What'd I do now?" was his attempt at protesting, looking offended and then a bit wary at the way she was expertly wielding that tazer. "Hey, that was a compliment. It means you're tough and not girly. I would know, because I'm doing mixed martial arts training. Ultimate fighting. With those shoulders and that stance, you should check into it."
The second those words left his mouth and were hanging in the air between them, Renji clammed up and then pointed at Tazer Girl, like that would prevent an impending attack. He didn't say anything. He merely pointed, his eyes getting squintier by the second. Off in the distance, a warbling bird whistled low and slow like a spaghetti western, and a lonely pink thorny tumbleweed lazily rolled behind him, with pretty white rose blossoms on it.
Darcy rolled her eyes at his attempt to change her mind about what he had just said to her. “Compliment. Right. You sure do have a funny way of complimenting a girl.” She didn’t think that he even could hurt a fly, to be honest with the way he carried on. Ultimate fighting her ass. He probably wound up kicking himself on accident. See but at least she didn’t say that out loud.
With a growl, she moved forward and pulled the trigger on the tazer at him. That would teach him. Calling her manly and not girly. Sure she was tough, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t girly dammit.
Hey now, wait a minute! He only kicked himself twice before, and once it was on accident!
Renji had no time to protest. He managed to get out the N part of the word NO before his teeth clenched, his hair frizzed a little bit, and he dropped like a rock onto the ground. He laid there twitching, going cross-eyed until the tazing passed. Once he'd gathered his senses again, he sat up and pointed up at Darcy, with a furiously quivering pointy finger.
"WHA-WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" Lookie, he even has a vein popping out on one side of his forehead. "It was a compliment! Sorta! Kinda! Maybe!"
And so this was the point when Renji (belatedly) realized he said uncomplimentary things. To add insult to injury, a goth flamingo came over and began pecking at the back of his head. He didn't put up with that for too long before he stood up, grabbed onto it, and lobbed it halfway across the apartment's...mushroom's...parking lot. It landed with an indignant squawk, of the sort that - even in the animal world - came across as I'm going to go tell my dad on you! It promptly flapped off, leaving Renji's radar, entirely.
"Ok, fine. I've got a big mouth. Your ass is fine, you're not really manly, and you wield a mean tazer. I'm sorry. If we're all good now, I’m gonna ask why you wanted outta the mushroom. You were probably safer in it, as long as no one lit it on fire."
She felt a little bad about tazing him, but he was being such a jerk. And she wasn’t going to let him walk all over her. “That was for calling me fat and saying I acted like a guy!” she grumbled, not looking amused in the slightest. “That was not a compliment. You’re lucky I didn’t kick your ass.” Because she was thinking about it. Kinda sorta maybe no way!
Darcy snorted in amusement at the flamingo, though she wondered if that flamingo might have been someone she knew. Eek. Flamingos smelled too. “Yeah you do have a big mouth. You changing your tune because you made me annoyed doesn’t mean you’re not thinking it.” But if he was apologizing, maybe she wouldn’t taze him. Again.
“I just wanted to go home.”
"But I said I was sorry so you should count that as an apology and a compliment," Renji protested, although it was in a much more grumbly and much less yelly voice than before. "But hey, you're outta there. If you need help making sure you get home okay, I'll go with...." He tilted his head and squinted a little bit, before asking, "...do you hear that?"
There was the sound of wings flapping and things shuffling drawing closer. Unbeknownst to him, a flock of goth flamingos and a about five playing card soldiers (they were the clubs cards!) were marching toward them.
"Huh, must be the wind," he said dismissively, with a sharp shrug of his shoulders. "Anyway, I'll go with you to make sure you get there. If I didn't, then I'd be a real shithead, right after all that crap I said about you. Seriously, ya look fine. Your hips aren't going to get stuck in any escalators, and you don't have hairy knuckles or stubble on your upper lip. See? There's no reason to be pissed off."
“Yeah you did it after I tazed you! You didn’t say sorry until just now!” Hmph. She was not going to argue with him about what a jerk he had been. Just as she was about to tell him that there was no way she was going anywhere else with him, she thought she heard something.
Right. The wind. Yeah she was getting the hell out of there. “Nope, I think I can manage. I don’t want you to insult me because I’m too slow or something. You really should work on your talking to people skills. Have fun with the wind.” Darcy stomped off in the direction of.. well whichever way was home. At this point, she just wanted to get away from him.
"Wait, what? I can still help you...oh uh uh, I have people skills! Just...dammit, be careful! There's crazy shit all over the place."
Renji might think he has mad people skills (and that he’s great with da ladies), but behind him there were about twelve goth flamingos and five playing card dudes that would beg to differ. It was going to be injury fun times and massive papercuts when he finally turned around and noticed.
~fin~