drowning
Who: Obi and Kitty What: Kitty finally goes to see Obi. Obi finds Kitty's thirst for violence disheartening. When: Wednesday Night Where: Obi's House Rating: R; Grief over loss of life, Knives, Threats of violence... it's pretty intense Status: Complete
Kitty had gotten casseroles and cookies, and hugs from Logan, but she’d been steadfastly avoiding a specific person. She hadn’t wanted Obi to pick up her anger. That cold, irrational rage that she’d balled up and shoved deep inside of her. She didn’t even want him to feel her grief, because she knew he’d feel it, and she couldn’t do that to him.
Despite that, she found herself in front of his door, raising her hand to knock. Kitty needed him, and she didn’t want him to think that she thought she couldn’t turn to him in a time of need.
Obi-Wan had, in fact, been waiting for her. Patiently, although it was difficult at first. He’d waited because he’d known he was what he needed to do, because in spite of what Kitty hoped, he had felt the range of her grief and rage. It was so strong at times that he’d thrown his hammer deep into the wall of Bag End and enjoyed crack of the wood like it was the bones of the bastards who had taken Xi’an’s life.
He’d given Kitty the time he knew she needed and was grateful for the opportunity to put his own psyche back together. When the knock on the door finally arrived, Obi-Wan knew the time had come even before the sound reached his ears. Emotion flooded him all over again, but he held fast, and managed to make his way through the house without faltering.
Obi-Wan opened the door and uttered a breathy, “Oh Kitty...” before opening his arms to her. He’d never quite done that before. He didn’t think twice now.
She fell into Obi's arms, the emotion rippling off of him sending her own spiraling back out of control. She broke into sobs, her fingers digging into his shoulders and his back. All the floodgates opened, the dam of her composure cracking.
Obi-Wan’s body trembled as the flood threatened to sweep them both away. It seemed all but impossible to find safe, solid ground, and for a few moments Obi-Wan was sure they would both drown. Faiza was right. There was feedback loop. One of them had to start to swim above the waves, and Obi-Wan knew it had to be him.
“You can claw me to death. It’s okay,” he said gently, using Kitty’s hair to soak up his own tears.
Kitty let out a short, raspy laugh and rubbed her face into his shirt. “My nails are too short to do that much damage.” They were still long enough to sting, though. Despite that, she loosened her grip on his shoulders, but didn’t move. He was warm, and comforting, and she had to struggle to not fall all the way into him.
Long past were the days when he would have felt his heart beat a little quicker beneath Kitty’s nails. When he thought about those initial few months of knowing her, he’d been more of a mess than a man. So much had changed. Now, Obi-Wan felt like he was holding on to his little sister, or possibly even his daughter.
“Come inside, come inside,” he said, closing the door with the Force so that he didn’t have to let go just yet. “When did you get back? Come to think of it, how did you get back?”
“Sunday. I’ve been...trying to deal. Not the best ways. You probably actually know how easy it is to crawl into a bottle and want to die there.” She came in with him, rubbing a hand up and down his back as much for herself as anything else. “Hermione married Jim Kirk, did you know that? That’s how I got back.” She sounded like she wished she could be more excited than she was. “The Enterprise is on the dark side of the moon.”
“A pill bottle, yes.” Obi-Wan skewed his face a bit as he listened, piecing the puzzle together. “Are you telling me The Starship Enterprise brought you home? I don’t know how I feel about that. Star Trek and all.” There was a hint of a smile in his voice, slightly forced.
Her smile was a ghost of its normal self, but a ghost was better than none at all. Her emotions were swinging wildly, but while the balls of rage and grief were still inside her, she was dealing a little bit better with it. "I had some help avoiding that."
"Oh?" Obi-Wan led her through to the kitchen, where the puppies yipped to greet her from their pen. They were as ignorant of the weekend's events as they were innocent. The back door was open, in case Kitty preferred the yard.
Kitty made a beeline for the puppies, bending over to pick up the nearest one and hug it. Cattherapy had helped a bit, but there was just something about a puppy, even for a natural cat person like Kitty Pryde. “Everyone coming out of the wood work. I’m sure I’ll hate hearing ‘I’m so sorry’ eventually.”
He felt a little of Kitty’s tension lift, giving Obi-Wan enough room to take a full breath. He didn’t want to let on just how difficult the last few days had been for him, but he suspected she already knew.
He leaned against the kitchen island, facing her, his palms pressed against the counter. "So, what have you been doing to deal with it?" he asked calmly, even though he felt anything but.
She knew. It was difficult for her to express how much he meant to her, and how much it helped her with the pain. She rubbed her arms, and shrugged a shoulder. “A lot of busy work. Less drinking as the days go by. Trying to be strong for the kids is...well it helps the most. Leaves me with less time to grieve.”
He nodded soberly. “Throwing yourself into work is a good thing.” He’d done the same thing when Dani had disappeared. In a way, that had been like losing her to death, although he’d also had the aid of being angry with her, because in reality she had run away. He had someone he could blame, when the hurt was too much, and when he was tired of blaming himself.
But he’d eventually forgiven Dani. He’d forgiven himself, too. “Do you still feel like it’s your fault?” he asked, though he already knew what she would say. Obi-Wan just wanted to keep her talking.
"If I'd been at my seat...if I'd been even an inch closer to her than I was, she'd still be alive. Maybe I'd have had the presence of mind to save someone else too, I dunno." Guilt gnawed at her. Guilt over Xi'an. Guilt over her tunnel vision. There's been other people on that plane. Kids. "I know I didn't knock that plane out of the sky, but I could have done...something."
Obi-Wan pushed away from the counter and walked to the kitchen table, where he took a seat. "You sound like I did after the Blue Shadow Virus outbreak. It didn't matter how many I saved, I could only think of the child Faiza buried at the ranch. Kitty, at a certain point... you need to accept that you are not God. And maybe there was a real reason why you were spared."
“I know I’m not god,” She snapped, giving him an irritated look. “Frankly I’m starting to question his existence.” She stood in the kitchen, her arms folded and her expression distant. “I need to find out what happened, Obi. I need to know why that plane was targeted.”
Obi-Wan didn't flinch. He'd prepared himself for her response, and the flare up of emotion. In the face of reality, even in the depths of utter despair, he found questioning the existence of a god or some force at work never got him very far. "For what purpose? Revenge? Justice?"
“Both.” Kitty flopped into a kitchen chair, and rested her chin on her hands. She couldn’t even hide in her hair. She was torn between keeping it short, and never cutting it again, like some irrational feeling was telling her it was her hair’s fault.
“But mostly because I need to know. I need to know if it was my work against Cerberus, or some other thing I’ve hacked into that I’ve forgotten about.”
Obi-Wan ran his hand down his beard, pinching the hair hair his chin. His cool blue eyes softened, perhaps they even glistened for a second. He looked to the side, out the open kitchen door to refocus. “I understand that, Kitty. I do. But even then, it wouldn’t be your fault for what they chose to do.”
"If I put her in danger..." Kitty whispered, her eyes closing. “It would be my fault. That’s different from just existing. From just being in the way. I’d have actively brought the hammer down on us.”
Obi-Wan sighed, looking up at the ceiling. Kitty’s grief felt thick as a fog around him, but he knew he had to keep his head above it. And he tried to keep Faiza far from his mind. “But Xi’an knew all of that. She knew from her dreams, as well.”
Kitty didn’t open her eyes. She remembered the night that Xi’an had woken in agony, from dreaming about her leg being ripped off and shuddered. “I know she knew. That doesn’t make it any easier.”
He continued to stare upward until his vision glazed over and then Obi-Wan finally blinked. But for a while, he was silent, and his silence hung in the room. Sharing Kitty’s emotions, he felt like he was speaking as a hypocrite. “I know. I know...”
“You know....” Kitty’s voice responded. It was a little hollow. “I thought everything would be okay forever. I was happy. We were happy. And the irony of it all it wasn’t a sentinel, or the Legacy Virus, or Magneto or Apocalypse or the Shi’ar or the Purifiers or the fucking Phoenix that took her from me.”
She could go on. The list was endless.
It was impossible not to think of Faiza. In spite of everything she had done to reassure him, Obi-Wan felt fear on the back of his neck like an insect crawling up his spine. Kitty was hurting, but he was growing frustrated. She wanted justice. Obi-Wan couldn’t fathom desiring such a thing. “What are you going to do?” he asked, finally lowering his eyes. The question was somewhat pointed.
She lifted her head, looking into Obi’s eyes. “I don’t know. I’ll figure it out when I get there. Maybe I’ll do nothing. Maybe...well I have some ideas.”
Kitty looked down at her left hand, then made a fist. A moment later a spike emerged from between two of her knuckles. The claw was about a foot long and was normally attached to a device she wore on her wrist. “It’s not perfect yet. I keep losing it when I go through a door or something.”
Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. He rocked back on his chair, his hand on his forehead in disbelief. “My God, Kitty. Did you phase that into yourself?” His voice was low, but there were hints of horror and disgust he could not hide. In fact, he pushed back from the table and rose to his feet so he could pace.
Kitty followed him with her eyes, then promptly rolled them as she plucked the claw out of her arm. "It's theoretically the same as my clothing. Just different." And harder. She waggled it in the air. "It's not permanent. I'm not sure there's a way to do that without bleeding to death, and I'm not that masochistic."
She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but her eyes were still heartbroken and angry.
Obi-Wan understood the look, but he didn’t know why she expected to reassure him with an explanation like that. He returned with a sole lifted eyebrow. “So your plan is to ram that spike through whoever bombed that plane?”
"If I have to," she admitted. Her voice cracked, and she gripped the claw tighter. "Wouldn't be the first time, here or in the dreams. Just maybe the first time it was personal." The first time she'd aim to actually kill.
“And you think that’s right? That would be justice?”
“I dunno.” Part of her wanted him to talk her down from it. Needed him to. Part of her was sure it wouldn’t be enough.
Obi-Wan nodded curtly, pressing his lips together. “Alright then.” He walked to the kitchen counter, to the knife block, and drew one of blades. It was a butcher knife. He gave it a quick look and then tossed it onto the island, where it clattered. “Well, here. Take this. In case that spike doesn’t do the trick.”
No doubt, his mind was tinged by Kitty’s rage, but Obi-Wan was quite serious. If this was what Kitty wanted, he didn’t have the stomach for it. If this was the kind of action she wanted to pursue, then perhaps this was where their tie was severed. He felt utterly heartbroken.
Kitty picked the knife up, and then jammed it into the table. It stuck straight up. “You forget.” She said, eyes blazing and voice thick and rough. She pushed the blade into the table, until the metal and the wood were merged into one. “I don’t need a knife to remove someone’s heart.”
The oddest surge of emotions flooded through her, and she couldn’t stop the tears that started to fall down her face again.
A rush of blood throbbed in Obi-Wan's temples as he watched her drive the knife deeper and deeper in. His heart, meanwhile, felt like someone had it in the center of a tight fist. They squeezed. Xi'an. The name echoed.
"Well..." he breathed. "You're about ready to rip out mine."
Kitty wiped at her face with her hand. Both of her hands were shaking, and for that matter, so was the rest of her. "I can't..I can't..I just want to fight and to lash out and there's nothing to lash out at."
She was wound up, with no outlet and only a great gaping hole where her heart used to be.
Obi-Wan braced himself against the counter, watching Kitty implode and feeling it at the same time. How could he blame her for wanting to tear everything apart? All he wanted was to save her from destroying herself in the process.
He reached out to her with a trembling arm. There were silent tears in his own eyes.
Kitty blinked at him, wiping at her eyes again. There was a long moment’s hesitation, before she walked over and took his hand. She started to bottle her anger and her grief up. To put them away, to put them down. She took several long, deep breathes. The last one turned into a shuddering, sobbing sigh.
Obi-Wan held her perhaps tighter than he had ever held anyone before, like he was trying to keep her together in one piece. Never before had touching someone been so excruciatingly painful, but she would have a phase through him to get away now. He kissed her temple.
Just like that, Kitty broke down in Obi-wan’s arms. She buried her face into his chest and sobbed. Huge, painful wracking sobs that sent waves of grief through her body. Some small stubborn part of her was annoyed that she kept breaking down in people’s arms, but wasn’t that what they were for?
Obi-Wan fought to stay above the wave, soothing his own troubled spirit by reminding himself this was not his loss, it was not his guilt. He couldn’t break the cycle, but he could keep trying to interrupt it, and hope Kitty would gain something from this pain he bore along with her.