"I was a different man then." Who: Helen & Nikola What: Tea When: February 5 Where: Her house Rating: Low Status: Complete!
After Ashley’s departure, Helen had withdrawn. She only left the house out of necessity, and she rarely allowed Alice out of her sight. But Varric had been right. She couldn’t dwell on it. This wasn’t living. And as much as she may have wished otherwise, life continued without her daughter’s presence.
Eventually, she had realized she didn’t want to be alone. She wanted company. Someone from her past. Someone she wasn’t going to find reason to blame for Ashley’s absence. So she had invited an old friend for tea.
Now she waited nervously, tapping her fingers against the kitchen table as she watched Alice play with Finn in the living room.
Nikola hadn’t seen Helen since their Christmas escapade. To be honest, he was a little nervous about seeing her. He didn’t want there to be lingering feelings. He didn’t think there would be, but... well, she was Helen Magnus. How could there not be?
He lifted his hand and knocked at the front door, standing on the step. He’d come straight from work, so he was still wearing his suit and tie.
Stealing another glance at Alice to make certain she was still occupied, she moved to answer the door, stepping aside so he could enter.
“Please. Come in.”
“Hello to you, too, Helen.” Nikola said, playfully, as he swept past her and into the room. “How are things?” He added, tugging his coat off and draping it over his arm.
"They are what they are." She hovered uncertainly a moment or two more, then gestured toward the kitchen. "Make yourself comfortable. I'll pour the tea."
Nikola nodded. He tossed his coat over the back of a chair and moved to sit down on the sofa. It felt strange to be in here, strange to be where he’d been just a short time ago, more in love with her than ever before. He watched Alice for a moment, letting his mind wander.
It was equally strange having him there. She started to pour the tea, surprised to find her hands were shaking. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the counter, taking a steadying breath. Nothing had changed. Yet everything was different.
Collecting the cups, she moved back into the living room, sitting as she passed him his. “She doesn’t remember you,” she said softly.
“That’s good.” Nikola said as he accepted his cup. It wasn’t unkind, he just didn’t want to confuse the poor girl. He was fond of her, sure. He wasn’t made of stone. But he didn’t want to have much to do with her besides being friendly. He didn’t need that sort of... attachment. Or responsibility.
She nodded, noticeably relieved. Alice didn’t remember him, and she preferred it remained that way. Their daughter’s life didn’t need more disruption, more confusion.
And perhaps she was being a little selfish. Alice was never meant to be Nikola’s.
“She’s so different from Ashley.”
Nikola never wanted her. He didn’t dislike her, he just... didn’t want her. Perhaps one day he’d want to have children of his own. But right now he wasn’t interested in adopting someone else’s. He nodded softly, lifting the tea for a sip. It was good. Then again, that was to be expected.
“How have you been?”
“Good. Quiet. Enjoying not being sick with that terrible flu.” Nikola said, setting his teacup down. “How about you?”
“As well as can be expected.” Her attention drifted back to Alice, tightening her hold on her cup. “Ashley left.”
Nikola couldn’t hide the surprise that flashed across his features. He turned to look at her, tearing the confusion he felt off of his face. “I’m sorry,” he said after taking a moment to compose himself.
“It was her decision. One she made without my knowledge.” She shot a look in his direction. “I needed company.”
“Understood.” Nikola said. He felt a little awkward. Was he supposed to comfort her? Or just sit there like a lump and let her talk at him? These things were always confusing. Women were always confusing.
“When did it become so difficult?” Things had seemed so easy between them before John. But since he had walked back into her life, their friendship had only grown more complicated.
“What, having a daughter who chooses her own way in the world?” Nikola asked, thinking Helen was talking about Ashley.
"I wasn't talking about Ashley. Us, Nikola."
He turned to look over at her, blinking a couple of times in his confusion. “Us?” There wasn’t an us. There was a her and Varric, a her and John. There had only been an “us” for them over the week before Christmas, due to some strange, wishing stars. But that was over now.
And that was exactly what she was talking about. It had never seemed so complicated before, and understanding hadn't felt so far out of reach.
"I once considered you my closest friend. It seemed so simple then. Now I hardly know where we stand."
“We’re still friends.” Nikola said immediately. It was strange that she didn’t know it. Just because of what they’d been through... he didn’t feel awkward enough to let go of her friendship.
“It isn’t the same.” She had never been uncomfortable with him before. And now, she barely knew how to talk to him. Perhaps too much time had passed to reclaim the connection they’d had.
“No.” Nikola shook his head. “I don’t think it will ever be the same. But that’s not a bad thing, helen. People change. They grow and move along in their lives. It’s just a fact of existence.”
“And if I didn’t want everything to change?”
“Well, not everything has changed, Helen.” Nikola said, softly.
“Enough has.” She looked up at him, cradling her cup in her lap. “I made the right decision.”
Nikola nodded. It still stung. They’d both moved on with their lives, they’d both built their own paths. But there was still a part of him that wondered what might have happened if...
He turned his eyes to his own teacup. “I know you did.”
“You wouldn’t want this.”
Nikola wasn’t sure about that. He didn’t want to argue with her, though. If he was with her, he might have wanted this exact life. Who knows? He lifted his teacup for a sip, frowning gently as he let his eyes wander the room.
She had never saw him as the type to want to settle down. Marriage, children...Perhaps it was, in part, why she had chosen John so many years ago.
"He's good for me. He's kind and patient and forgiving. And he didn't fall in love with someone I used to be."
Was that remark directed at him? Nikola still want looking at her. He nodded. "I'm happy for you, Helen. I really am."
"I know."
Hesitantly, she rested a hand on his leg, hoping she wasn't overstepping. It still felt like the slightest wrong move would upset the balance and she could lose him or Varric. Or worse, that she might lose them both.
"I didn't mean to avoid you."
“I know.” He repeated after her. “I didn’t mean to avoid you, either.”
"He worries about my feelings toward you. I was afraid of losing him."
Nikola nodded. He frowned just slightly and turned off his heart the best he could. “You can assure him, then, that your feelings toward me, any above platonic friendship, are completely one-sided.” He lied. “I am in love with someone else, and though you may have been in my heart before...” He chanced a glance over at her, and regretted it. It was obvious she could see right through his lie.
“Your Varric has absolutely nothing to worry about as far as I’m concerned,” He added, and thought that was the truth.
She reached for his hand. "He did have something to worry about. But I know where I belong now."
“No.” Nikola said, shaking his head. “I mean, he has nothing to worry about.” Perhaps having a week of what his life would have been like with Helen was just what he needed to... to get her out of his system. Perhaps it was just what he needed to show him how much he really and truly cared for Lulu.
“I love you, Helen. But I’m not in love with you. Not anymore.”
“I never wanted you to be.”
“I was.” Nikola said, though he was sure it didn’t need to be said. “For a very long time. But I’ve moved on now.” Saying it aloud to her made it feel so much more final. A bit depressing, really.
She shook her head. “You weren’t in love with me, Nikola. All those years. You were in love with a memory.”
“I was in love with the you from school. The woman who ceased to exist the moment you left with him.” He said, though not unkindly.
“You should give me more credit than that. It wasn’t such an immediate change.”
“You were gone. I didn’t get to witness it.” Nikola said, frowning. “So, it was immediate for me.”
“That wasn’t my choice. I wasn’t inaccessible.”
“Communication goes two ways, Helen.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me.”
“I didn’t know you were going to be gone forever.”
“And I thought you would be happy for me,” she answered softly, looking down at her lap, “Perhaps we didn’t know each other as well as we thought.”
“Perhaps.” Nikola said. He found it hard to believe that she actually thought he was going to get behind her plan. She must have been painfully oblivious to not notice how much he cared for her. It broke his heart when she left with John, though he should have done a better job of trying to convince her to stay.
She hadn’t realized. Not until it was far too late. “I had to make a choice.”
“I know.” Nikola said with a sigh. He set his teacup down. “I know you did. I just thought for a long time that you made the wrong one.”
“He offered me what you weren’t prepared to. Or so I believed.”
Nikola didn’t know if she was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t prepared to. Maybe he was. That option had never occurred to him. He leaned back a little bit in his chair.
“I was a different man then.” The dreams he’d been having were troubling him.
“Time changes everything.”
“Yes.” Nikola agreed. Then he fell silent, watching the child play.