Good God, man. What happened to you? Who: Wade Wilson and Leonard McCoy When: MLK Jr. Day? Jan 21 Where: Hospital? What: What happens after Wade takes a bull to a china shop next to a construction site? Rating: PG-13 for injuries Status: Complete!
Wade walked into the hospital. There was glass sticking out of every exposed bit of skin, blood covered most of his body, and he appeared to be missing a huge chunk out of his arm, exposing the bone. He walked up to the stunned nurse at the desk, picked up a clipboard, and casually sat down to fill the paperwork out. As he bent over to scribble his social, the rebar sticking out of his shoulder became visible.
At the sight of the man with the... shrapnel? … sticking out of his body, about a half dozen nurses went scurrying about to try and figure out what was going on with him. One came over to bring him back straight away (as they did with anyone who was actively bleeding) and another went off to find the surgeon on call.
McCoy came in to the ER where Wade was sitting on a table behind a curtain. He stepped in and gave a little gasp. “Good God, man. What happened to you?”
“There was an incident involving a bull in a china shop next to a construction site,” Wade replied. He picked a piece of glass out of his cheek. “Bulls are actually pretty cautious until you startle them. And even then things went well until we knocked over the crane.”
McCoy simply stared at the strange man with the glass sticking out of his face.
Wade looked back, smiling. The cut where he’d pulled the glass from had stopped bleeding. It even looked less bad than it had when he’d first walked in.
McCoy was distracted by the flow of blood that had seemed to stop. He pulled some gloves on, not taking his eyes off the man, and leaned over to get a good look, lifiting one hand to touch the man’s skin very gently. “It healed. You’re healing.”
“It does that!” He grinned brighter. He just couldn’t reach all the ouchies to get glass off, and it was much slower than he was used to. He still had a couple of broken ribs from jumping out of the airplane the other day that hadn’t healed. “I’m magic healing man. Like trojan man. Only less sexy.”
You’re scaring the doctor
“Am not.”
McCoy blinked at him again. He had no idea what that meant. “Am not... what?” He asked, then reached for a sterile gauze pad so he could pull out one of the glass shards from the man’s arm. He covered the wound immediately with the gauze. “Are you... You look like you should be in considerable pain.”
“Pain is a state of mind. I’m out of my mind, so I don’t feel the pain.” Shut up, he totally didn’t feel the pain. Okay he might have cried like a baby on the walk over, before the pain stopped mattering. “I’m used to it.”
This was almost too much for the surgeon. McCoy had seen a lot of things, but this man was clearly bananas. He nodded, then moved to work on some of his other injuries. While they’d had a half dozen nurses helping the man before, now it was down to McCoy and one nurse, a male nurse, who were helping him. The others had gone off to do other things, clearly weirded out by the human pincushion who felt no pain.
“All right. Let me know if you need some pain medication.” McCoy said, working on another piece of glass. There was so much blood. “Can we give you a transfusion?”
“Nah! Just some OJ!” Wade smiled. Where before half of his teeth had been missing, most of them were back. “It’ll help with the regeneration.”
You act like this is something they’ve all seen before.
“Surely every day a superhero walks through the door.”
You’re not a superhero.
”Am to.”
Am not.
“Brain, I will cut you.”
McCoy paused, staring again. He wondered if they should call for the psych professionals. This was absolutely not normal. “Orange juice. Right.” He glanced at the nurse, who left the room to get some.
“...so, How did you sustain these injuries, Mister...?”
“Wilson. Wade Wilson. Call me Deadpool. I told you already. Bull in a china shop next to a construction site.” Wade rolled his eyes.
He doesn’t believe us.
“Of course he doesn’t believe us, he wasn’t there. But poor, poor Beauregard....”
“Seriously?” McCoy said, continuing to work at removing the glass and schrapnel from the man’s body. Wilson. Wade Wilson. Deadpool. None of the names were at all familiar. “Was that the bull?”
“Yes! How’d you know? Say, has anyone ever told you you have the most amazing hands?” Pause. “Ever do a Jadzia girl with spots?”
McCoy raised an eyebrow, watching Wade for a moment, then shook his head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He turned back to the glass, removing a final piece, while a nurse brought in a box of orange juice to hand to his patient.
Wade took the box and sipped at it like a five year old, even swinging his legs off the end of the bed. Some of the first wounds they’d looked at had started to close, and the very very first one looked almost healthy as the first bit of new skin had appeared over it. The worse had been the rebar in his shoulder. That one could take a week. “Okay, Dr. Dre.”
McCoy wasn’t sure why he was being called Dr. Dre, but he didn’t argue it. Once all of the glass was removed and McCoy and the nurse were done gaping at the skin as it closed over his wounds, McCoy pulled off his gloves and tossed them into a biohazard bin in the room. “Well. It looks like there’s not a whole lot else I can do for you, Mister Wilson.”
“Thanks. How much do I owe you?” He pulled out his checkbook and started flipping through quite a few benjamins. “I’ll take the healthcare system screwing me with lube. I mean it already screwed me with the cancer, but … I should get tested, I haven’t since I became Regeneration Man!”
McCoy stared. “I have no idea. You’ll have to discuss that with billing.” He said, simply. “They’ll take your information and make sure not to screw you too hard.”
“Damn, I like a good hard screw.” Wade hopped off the table, tossing a hundred at the poor nurse who’d done so much work. Like a tip. Then he sauntered out of the exam room.
The nurse caught the bill, then gave McCoy a “What the hell was that?” look.