Varric Tethras | Dragon Age (taleweaver) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-01-12 09:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, helen magnus, varric tethras |
I didn’t choose him.
Who: Helen & Varric
What: Aftermath of the wish plot.
When: Toward the end of December.
Where: Their house.
Rating: PG-13
Status: Complete!
Helen had spent most of the last few days buried in her work, avoiding the house’s other occupants as often as possible. And when she ran out of reasonable excuses for remaining locked away in her office, she had taken to cleaning the house. Twice.
Now, she was busying herself in the kitchen, washing the few dishes lingering in the sink.
She knew she couldn’t avoid him forever, that eventually they would have to talk. There was no other way to put the previous week’s events behind them, to move forward from whatever cruel trick had been played on their family. But she wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready because she was afraid he would think less of her when he inevitably realized what that week had meant to her. It had shown her what they could have had, what she gave up all those years ago…what she had given up to be with Varric.
And she felt guilty for wanting it, for missing Nikola when she had never missed him.
All Varric had wanted, was a week without adventure, or strange occurrences. While he'd made a friend with Lulu, it had been anything but a normal week. Frankly, he had no idea how to approach things. This wasn't something Bianca could shoot, or Hawke could blast into ash. It wasn't even something he could bribe, steal, or trick.
Helen had simply wanted Christmas with her family. She hadn’t expected to forget who that family should have included. Thankfully, Alice didn’t seem to remember that life had ever been different, though she had asked why they were upset, worrying she might have been the one to cause it.
Having finally ran out of ways of distracting herself, she moved away from the sink, lingering in the kitchen until she could gather the courage to move into the living room.
Varric was cleaning Bianca. He'd finished the bulk of the work and was polishing the metal. He cleaned her most when he was upset, or worried. Bianca was cleaner than she had been in years. She positively shined.
She watched him for several minutes before slowly crossing the room, speaking softly as she stopped just behind him.
"She looks lovely."
“Thank you, sweetheart. Just trying to get this last piece here.” He spoke a little stiffly, like he was trying to figure out just how he was feeling right now.
"I'm sorry." She wasn't sure what else she could say. This hadn't been her doing, but she wouldn't blame him if he were upset with her.
“Sorry?” Varric set Bianca aside, and looked up at Helen. There was hurt in his eyes, but no accusation. Mostly he wanted to know what had happened. “What happened, Helen?”
"I don't know."
“You have to know something,” He replied, getting to his feet and folding his arms.
“I know I didn’t ask for this. That I didn’t-” She wavered, more defeated than defensive, but she didn’t look away. “I didn’t choose him.”
"Then what was it? Drugs?" He raised an eyebrow, then asked, knowing how they'd butted heads on the subject. "Magic?"
She shook her head. “Nikola wouldn’t have,” she stopped, shaking her head again as she moved to sit on the sofa, tucking her feet underneath her. “I don’t believe in magic.”
"Then there's a rational explanation," Varric replied. Some day he'd have to have Bethany or Marian demonstrate that magic was very, very real. He raised his eyebrow, waiting. He was stubborn today.
“I can’t explain it,” she admitted quietly, eyes fixed on her hands.
“So it’s magic?” Varric sighed, walking over and taking her hands, lifting them up so if she looked at them she’d have to look at him. “One day, you’re mine, and the next, it’s like that never happened.”
This was one debate she seemed destined to lose. “This is real,” she whispered, as much for her benefit as his. “I fell in love with you. I chose you.”
That still didn't explain whatever..spell..it was that had befallen her. He wanted someone to blame, something to point at and say 'ahah!' If this was Kirkwall he could discreetly take care of matters. Varric's hands weren't as clean as he liked to pretend. Varric, you can’t murder Nikola
"I don't know what to think."
Her mouth opened, closed again. Reclaiming her hands, she tucked them between her knees, sinking further into the corner of the sofa, no longer looking at him.
Varric shoved his hands into his pockets and started to pace, shoulders tight. He didn't love often, so this had hit him particularly hard, and then he'd done something he rarely did - he stewed. And now it was boiling over.
"How do you feel about this? About what happened? Do you regret it?"
“I feel cheated.”
“Cheated?” Varric stopped pacing and turned to look at her, his eyebrows almost reaching his hairline.
“They took you away from me. Entirely. Made me forget I was willing to fight for you, for us. And they gave me Nikola in your place.” She finally looked at him, then. “Now it’s beginning to feel as though I’ve lost both of you.”
Varric studied her. He'd spent a lot of that week with Lulu. Drinking, talking. Mostly drinking. What could he say to that? "It's not going to magically be all right, Helen, but you haven't lost me."
Instead of answering, she held out a hand to him, expression slightly pleading. She didn't like the distance the past week had created.
She missed him.
There was a long, dangerous moment when he hesitated, then he took her hand. They’ll get through it. Somehow. Varric wasn’t accustomed to this sort of hurt. It wasn’t like she was like his brother, who he could yell at.
She tightened her fingers around his, tugging lightly on his hand.
"Please."
He stepped closer, squeezing her hand. “You don’t need to beg, Rabbit.”
She didn't know if she quite believed that, but after a moment, she nodded. "Sit."
He sat, not letting go of her hand, and waited.
She was quiet a while longer, studying their linked hands. “I didn’t choose you simply because you were here when he wasn’t.” She looked up at him again, making certain he was listening before she continued. “He’s in love with a memory, and perhaps she could have fallen in love with him as well, if she had allowed herself. But I haven’t been that woman in a very long time, and I’ve grown tired of chasing ghosts. I’m not in love with Nikola Tesla. I am in love with you.”
"It feels like I've been stabbed. I don't do betrayal very easily and that is what this felt like." Varric took a break, his eyes searching for Helen's. "Who are you now, then? Who's the woman that loves Varric Tethras?"
That was a difficult question, but her answer was a simple one. “The woman who fell in love with you.” She smiled faintly. “Despite my best efforts.”
“You did try pretty hard, and I’d say you’ve grown.” Had this happened even a few months before, he thought she might not have survived it. Or they might not have.
“If this was a betrayal, I had no say in it. I wouldn’t have done that to you.”
“I believe you.” He hoped that was worth enough. He reached over and pulled Helen into a tight hug.
She worked her toes into the corner of the sofa so that she could lay with her head on his shoulder, reluctant to let go of him. “I’m sorry. That you weren’t here with us. You missed Alice opening her presents.”
“There’s always next year.” He lifted his hand to stroke her hair.
“You’re still willing to adopt her?”
He laughed. “That hasn’t changed. I’m in this for the long haul.”
She smiled, tilting her head to see him better. “I was thinking we might allow her to choose a companion of her own.”
Yes, she was suggesting they adopt another dog.
“She’s been dreaming about her mother. I think she would appreciate the company.”
“Only if I get a dog too,” Varric teased.
“You can’t claim one of mine?” she countered, grinning. “What sort of dog would you like, darling?”
“Something big and fluffy.”
“Adopted?”
“Of course.” Varric tilted his head. “We could take Alice to the shelter.”
She had been hoping for another greyhound; she truly had fallen in love with them. But perhaps his suggestion was the better one. “I’d like that.”
"Give another couple of strays homes," Varric replied, smiling broadly.
“It seems fitting, doesn’t it?”
"Just the way it should be." He pulled her head down into his lap, relaxing slightly. He was still tense, and angry, though that anger was no longer directed at her.
She brushed her thumb over his knee, closing her eyes. “I’m glad you’re back.”