InsaneJournal

"Marian isn't a mage in my dreams. She's like Isabela. Daggers and sneaky and lockpicks."
Who: Bethany and Merrill
What: Bethany is lonely
When: Several days ago, when Frodo was out
Where: Merrill and Frodo's house
Status: complete
Rating: PG



Bethany had been feeling restless, and a little lonely. It was the sort of lonely she didn't want to go to her sister with. A sort of lonely she doubted anyone could actually understand. It was also the sort of lonely that made her not want to be alone. So she decided to pay a visit to the one person guaranteed to cheer her up.

She walked up to Merrill's door and knocked, gripping her staff with her other hand.

The door was opened by Carson, the butler. When Merrill had first moved in, she'd followed him to the front door whenever a visitor arrived. Now, though, it took Merrill longer to get comfortable, and it was harder to convince herself to get up.

Carson had met Bethany before, and he knew Merrill well enough now to know that she wouldn't turn away a friend. So Carson led the guest--unorthodox as it may be--to the kitchen where Merrill had been lounging. She had a windowseat covered in blankets and pillows where she read, snacked, and took the occasional nap. She perked up when Bethany walked in. "Bethy! Hi!"

"Merrill! How are you feeling?" She walked up and gave the elf a gentle hug, her mood instantly buoyed. Seeing Merrill in her nest was just...just adorable. "Frodo away searching for any unusual cravings?"

Merrill smiled, hugging her friend back. "I'm good! Tired, but good! Frodo's visiting his cousin. And I think he might be doing something for my Christmas present.. He's being very secretive about it!"

"How are you, Bethany?" If Bethany had told Merrill she was coming for a visit, Merrill had forgotten. It wouldn't be that surprising. Either way, she was happy to see her friend!

"He's a very secretive man," Bethany said, smiling. She patted Merrill's shoulder. "But it's a good sort of secret. You two do good by each other." She stepped back. "Though I wonder how you've not gone stir crazy yet! I've been going so crazy today!"

Merrill smiled, nodding. She was sure it was the good sort of secret. Frodo had actually been working on part of her present right in front of Merrill, but she didn't want to snoop around. "Stir crazy?" she asked, tilting her head. "Well, I'm not here all the time! I'm still working. And we visit my parents, and Hawke."

"Though, I suppose it isn't adventuring all over Kirkwall." Compared to her dreams, they really were quite boring.

"Good. I'd hate to think you were cooped up in here all day, as cozy as this is! You just...it's a sad thing if you're cooped up and not out in the world, I guess." She fidgeted on her feet, then pulled a chair over and sat. "Something has been bothering me, and I've not been sure who to talk to."

"I'm not cooped up," Merrill assured her. She might have been barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen, but it wasn't anybody's design but her own!

She tilted her head, looking over at Bethany. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly in concern. "What's wrong?" Merrill asked softly.

"I...I'm really not sure how to say this. I don't even..." Bethany frowned. "The Hawke in your dreams, is she a mage? Is she Marian? Or not quite Marian?"

Merrill nodded quickly, easily at first. She wasn't quite sure what B--Oh. Her face sobered after a moment. Sometimes it seemed like Merrill had known Bethany much longer than she did. Maybe it was because of the connection with her sister, or maybe it was that Merrill became 'fast friends' relatively easily. Bethany hadn't been in her dreams, though she tried to rationalize it, sometimes. Maybe she was off visiting a friend! Maybe she'd stayed back in Fereldan with some cousins! Nevermind that Fereldan had been overrun by Darkspawn...

"Oh. Well that's good," Bethany said, trying a cheerful mask on for size. "Marian isn't a mage in my dreams. She's like Isabela. Daggers and sneaky and lockpicks. She's not quite as snarky, either." She got up, turning the chair around and sitting on it backwards. Mostly so she could rest her chin on the back. She felt like a ghost, an echo of someone who didn't belong, surrounded by people who were almost but not quite the same. "I'm being silly, it shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter."

If it didn’t matter, why did she think she would cry if just one more person didn’t share her dreams? She was terrified to learn what Isabela would dream of, that Bethany would have died before she’d met her, too.

Merrill frowned. She'd played through some of the game, and seen the options. It was very surreal, but first, she'd ended up making a Hawke like her Hawke. After the opening scene where Bethany died, though, Merrill had been too shaken up, and stopped playing.

"I wonder if that's why," she said to herself, quietly. If she'd made Hawke the sneaky dagger-type, maybe she could play with Bethany.

"Oh, it does matter," Merrill said, feeling like she were about to choke up, too. With the chair turned like that, it was much harder for her to give Bethany a hug. "Bethy, come here," she said, motioning to the padded windowseat. "There's still room, come here."

Bethany chewed her lip, then came over and sat next to Merrill. She had thus far been unaware that there was a video game with her in it, and the day she found out would be an interesting day indeed. She put her arms around Merrill and hugged her. Her Merrill and yet not her Merrill and she felt horribly guilty about being upset about that.

Merrill hugged Bethany--her Bethany, regardless of who was in her dreams. "I'm sorry, Bethany. I wish I did dream about you. It doesn't make your dreams any less real, you know. It only makes mine less sweet for not having you in them."

“It’s..it’s hard.” Bethany admitted, resting her head on Merrill’s chest. “I try to tell myself it’s okay and most of the time it is. But sometimes I feel really lonely.” She laughed softly. “You were always wonderful, Merrill. Sweet and kind and stubborn. I’m glad that hasn’t changed.”

"Oh, Bethy." She hugged the girl, petting her hair lightly. "It's okay to not be okay, sometimes." She wasn't upset that her friend wanted things to be different. She wished Bethany wasn't hurting, but she wouldn't try to take away her feelings. "I'm here for you, always. You're one of my dearest friends. And I do think of you as being part of my dreams. I guess that's strange, but I still picture you in Kirkwall, somehow."

"That's an odd sort of relief," Bethany admitted. It was kind of crazy, that there were more than one Kirkwall. "And maybe Isabela will dream of my Kirkwall, right? That's a possibility. We were friends there, you know. Me and you, and me and her. She did a lot to help me be less shy and get out of my shell."

That was it, look on the bright side of life! She smiled, exhaling slowly. "I'm glad we all came together here, regardless."

Merrill nodded. "Maybe. I hope she does." Still, Merrill didn't let Bethany go. Maybe she was fine now, but it was an emotional topic, and Merrill could use more friend-snuggling. "Isabela has a way of getting people out of their shells. And other valuables," she said with a sly smile.

"I hope Isabela starts remembering things soon. I want to pounce her with so many things at once, but I'm sure she already thinks I'm a crazy woman." Merrill chuckled. "After I nearly begged her to come to my wedding."

"Or you're a crazy woman, Merrill! That's what's so wonderful about you!" Bethy squeezed her gently, blushing slightly at the thought of pouncing Isabela in any way, whatsoever. "The whole gang feels empty and wrong without her."

Merrill nodded. "I.. guess we don't really talk about Anders anymore." It might have been a little safer, bringing him up with Bethany instead of Marian. Honestly, Merrill was sad that she couldn't talk about Anders. He'd never really been that nice to her, but it seemed wrong to talk about the whole 'gang' being here when he wasn't. She knew why Hawke was angry at him, but.. it still felt wrong.

Bethany pursed her lips, then nodded her head. "I think..he's a touchy subject, after what he did. No matter the reasons, it was wrong." She lowered her head, tilting it to the side, and said, "But I don't think it's healthy to ignore it."

"But that doesn't mean.. If he was here.. I mean, it's not his fault he's going to dream about that, is it?" Merrill frowned. "I worry that Hawke would just shred him, as soon as she saw him. Or ignore him, which might be worse." She sighed.

"I haven't used any blood magic since that night." The night Bethany had saved her life. "We can change things."

"She might," Bethany said, her lips thinning out into a frown. "But it's not his fault, not any of our faults that we dream! Otherwise it would be really easy to resent Marian."

She picked up Merrill's hands and squeezed them. "I'm relieved to hear that!" Could blood magic bring her someone from her world? She wasn't sure. She knew she should never try, of course.