“Why do you think we dream about them? The other lives?” Who: Helen & Varric What: Helen has an unsettling dream. When: Dec. 2. Where: Their house. Rating: PG-13 Status: Complete!
It had been more than a week since she brought the girl into their home, but they were all still adjusting. And despite the short time Alice had been in their care, Helen was starting to think of them as a family. A family she would give anything to protect.
That devotion meant she was still sleeping in the guest room rather than her own bed, having quickly discovered their little one was prone to waking up in the middle of the night and became easily frightened in unfamiliar surroundings. She slept little, preferring to watch over the girl as she slept. Tonight, though, she had been lulled to sleep by Alice’s steady breathing, drifting off only to find herself in the midst of another nightmare.
Unfamiliar hands were holding her down, tearing at her clothing. She fought, but it made little difference. They were bigger, stronger. And they’d taken her by surprise.
Then she was pressed against the wall, the force of the water against her back nothing compared to the coarse brush dragging roughly across her skin.
They left her soaking wet and shivering. She pulled the blanket tightly around her shoulders and made herself small.
She woke abruptly, instinctively pulling the covers more tightly around herself, forcing down the rising panic. It took several seconds for the confusion to clear, for her to remember why she wasn’t in her own bed, why he wasn’t beside her.
Alice was still sleeping soundly next to her, and she breathed a soft sigh of relief as she brushed a hand gently through her blonde curls. Then she slid off the bed as quietly as possible, slipping out into the hallway and heading for her own room, seeking comfort.
Varric was home. It had taken some adjusting to (really, he was still adjusting) but he worked through it for Helen's sake. He did enjoy having Alice around, and had taken to teaching her stories, as well as how to speak in an FereldenEnglish accent. He was sleeping soundly when Helen came in.
She briefly debated whether or not to wake him, ultimately deciding it didn't matter as long as he was close. Crawling onto the bed beside him, she wrapped an arm around him, burying her nose in the crook of his neck.
Rolling over, Varric slid his arm around Helen's waist, nuzzling chin at the top of her hair. He made a contented sound.
Helen snuggled closer, clinging as she tried desperately not to cry.
He started to wake up, sensing something was amiss. His hand rubbed reassuringly at Helen's arm and he sleepily murmured something that sounded a lot like 'rabbit'.
She hadn't meant to wake him. Not really. But she wanted to be reassured. More than that, she wanted to be held.
"Alice is asleep."
"Mmm. Good." He murmured, and kissed the top of her head. His hand rubbed up and down her back, reassuringly.
"I had another dream."
"Oh?" He sat up a bit, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, finally placing that feeling of unease. 'I had another dream' usually didn't mean good things. "Tell me about it."
She closed her eyes, still clinging to him, but this time she didn't argue.
"It was cold."
He sat up, pulling Helen's head into his lap and stroking her hair. "Cold?"
She nodded, taking a careful breath and opening her eyes.
"There were two men, looking for something, an infection. They were...I couldn't," she trailed off, shaking her head.
Varric's voice was calm, even a little light, as though he were trying to be very reassuring. "It's okay. I'm here, I'm listening. What did they do?"
She wanted to tell him, wanted him to reassure her, tell her it was only a dream. Even if it meant he would be lying. But the words caught in her throat, and she shook her head again.
“I was afraid.”
"Helen...It's all right. Just tell me. You're safe here. You're safe with me."
“They held me down, so I couldn’t fight them,” she finally murmured, “While they stripped me.”
Varric's hands balled up into fists, but he didn't let go of her. He wasn't sure he wanted to know where this went next. He had a vivid imagination and it was already running to dark places.
She instinctively felt the shift in his mood, reaching for his hand and covering it with her own. “It isn’t what you’re thinking,” she added softly, “Before I could get up, they turned a hose on me, scanned me for...” She shook her head. “It could have been much worse.”
And she somehow sensed she had experienced worse. She didn’t want to speculate what that might mean.
"They stripped you and hosed you down, why? What could that accomplish?" Varric was angry, but a little resigned. It wasn't like he could do anything about it now.
“They thought I was infected.” Though, she couldn’t say with what.
"Infected, with what?" He supposed hosing down was better than being burned alive, which had happened in Kirkwall a few times. They took infection risk very seriously, at least in Hightown.
“I don’t know.” She glanced up at him. “But what else could they have been looking for?”
"Radiation, maybe. Or something magical. It's hard to tell without knowing more. The principle of the thing is what matters." He pulled her up into his lap and rubbed at her back.
“I wasn’t strong enough to stop them.”
"It sounded like you were disoriented, and surprised. Anyone would have trouble in that situation, Helen."
“You don’t know her,” she said quietly. It wasn’t an accusation, but a fact. One she had been certain of until tonight. Because until tonight, she hadn’t been able to see herself within the woman she dreamed of being. But tonight that woman had been stripped of her confidence, her composure. Tonight she saw herself.
"I do know her, because she's you, Helen. Just like you know the Dwarf in my dreams, because he's me. There are differences, yes, but such is life."
“How can she be me? She’s stronger than I ever have been.”
"Because you have that potential to be just as strong, if you'd only let yourself." He tried to sound stern, but the smile in his voice betrayed that. "I love you, Helen. I love you for who you are here, and for the woman you have the potential of becoming."
That earned him the ghost of a smile as she settled more comfortably against him, then she sought his hand again.
“I’m afraid of becoming her,” she admitted quietly.
"Why?"
"I worry that in becoming her, I'll lose myself." Despite his insistence they were one and the same, she couldn't help but focus on the differences.
“I don’t believe that.” He looked deeply into her eyes. “Not at all. I believe that you’ll still be yourself. Just a bit more.”
Slowly, she nodded, shifting to slide her arms around him.
"What if I'm not who you think I am?"
“I don’t believe that,” Varric replied. “Or at least, your story might have some new and interesting sidetracks.”
She tightened her arms around him, whispering. "How can you know they won't change me?"
What she really meant was how could he know he would still love her if they did. But she didn't have the courage to ask that question.
“I can’t know they won’t change you, but that wouldn’t change how I feel about you.” He cupped her cheek.
“I couldn’t lose you.”
“You won’t Helen. But you’re going to be miserable until you accept this part of yourself.”
She fell quiet again, reassuring herself with the sound of his breathing. He was real. This life was real. Why did she have to accept her dreams as reality, as well? She was happy. She worried the dreams had the capability to unravel what she had managed to build over the past year.
“Her life frightens me. I didn’t want her to be me.”
"Hon, I'm a dwarf merchant who hangs out with a magic wielding woman who brings trouble wherever she goes. I've had to accept that that's a part of me. Kirkwall is a terrible, deadly, unfair place. But it was a home to me."
“More of a home than this world?”
But then, she didn’t especially want to dwell on that. Sliding her arms from around him, she found his hand, taking it in both of hers and tracing his fingers.
“I turned my closest friend into a vampire, and my fiancé into a murderer.”
Varric's response was simple. He put his other arm around her and said, "why and how?"
She considered that a moment, fingers briefly stilling against his hand. “It was an experiment. One of my design.”
Experiments didn’t always end well, but Varric was willing to listen, and not judge. “Go on.”
“We wanted to see what we could become. It changed us.”
“You wanted knowledge?”
“Knowledge. Power, perhaps. We believed we could be more than we were. We were foolish.”
He smiled at her. "That's a common story, Helen. Mistakes, and then lessons learned from those mistakes. Sometimes it takes longer than you'd like.”
“I tore us apart, destroyed so many lives.”
"Tell me." He sounded serious and somber, but had no real intention of moving away from her. "Tell me about it."
“They hated one another. I brought us together, and my relationship with John tore us apart,” she answered softly, “Not so unlike in this world.”
She tightened her fingers around his. “We all changed. Nikola became something else entirely. And John,” she hesitated, it sounded absurd, even to her, “I nearly married Jack the Ripper.”
"That sounds like a pretty drastic change." Varric tilted his head. "Like you somehow did blood magic, or opened a path to the Fade."
“His ability drove him mad. I,” her breath caught, silent tears sliding down her cheeks, “He tried to kill our daughter.”
That sounded exactly like Blood magic to Varric. Perhaps different mechanics, but same results. He pulled Helen against him.
“He used her to get to me.”
“He knew you well enough for that.”
“He was dying; he needed my blood. I wouldn’t have given it to him willingly.”
"All of your blood? Why would he need your blood? No one needs blood like that." Varric frowned. It sounded more and more like Blood Magic.
She shook her head, lacing her fingers through his. "Only a small amount, enough to prolong his life."
"That's still Blood magic," Varric said, thoughtfully.
Frowning, she released his hand, shifting to look up at him. “I don’t believe it was magic.”
"Magic, science, it's all the same, Helen. One is just the other before we truly understand it."
She shook her head. “It isn’t the same.”
Varric squared his shoulders. "Magic is science we can't explain yet. I've seen a girl throw a fireball with my own eyes in this world. What you're talking about isn't much different, in my opinion."
“We weren’t practicing magic.”
"What was it, then?"
“The blood had incredible properties. We were studying it. We wanted to understand. We thought we could change the world.”
"So the blood was magical then," Varric replied, but there was now a teasing note to his voice, as if he were trying to lighten the mood.
“It was unique,” she corrected automatically.
“I wonder if I regretted it.”
“You might have. No way to tell, unless you search your memories,” Varric replied, patting her arm.
“I’m not certain I would like the answer.”
"It's better to know than not to know." Varric shifted in the bed, his rear end starting to go numb. "It doesn't matter how terrible it might be, because knowledge is power, and knowing means you don't have to fear the unknown."
She chuckled, though there wasn’t any real humor behind it. “Sometimes the known is just as terrifying.”
Moving to settle against his side, she traced light patterns over his stomach. “Why do you think we dream about them? The other lives?”
"To teach us something about ourselves. About who we could be or who we're supposed to be," Varric replied quietly. "Obviously, I should be a dwarf."
“Do you want to be a dwarf?”
Varric tilted his head, and shrugged a shoulder. "It's who I am? If it happens it'll happen, if it doesn't, it won't. I was even more of a handsome devil as a dwarf. I had a bit more hair. I had to beat the ladies off with sticks."
She smiled, but her tone remained serious. “But if the dreams represent the our true selves, the lives we’re meant to lead, what if that means we aren’t meant to be together?” She paused, drawing an invisible line across his stomach before finally looking up at him. “I want this to be right.”
"That doesn't mean we aren't meant to be together," Varric replied, smiling coyly. "How do we know that's why we're not here, in this life?"
“To find each other?” She studied him quietly as she considered that. Then her hand left his stomach, sliding around the back of his neck as she leaned in to kiss him. “I like the sound of that.”
Varric smiled into the kiss. He deepened it, bringing his hands up along her sides, and let his actions show her how he felt.