InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Tommy, can you hear me?"

Violet Harmon likes the darkness. (takeeverything) wrote in valarlogs,
@ 2012-11-27 01:21:00

Entry tags:

!complete, tate langdon, violet harmon

Who: Violet and Tate.
What: He's in the hospital and she should be.
When: Tuesday morning, in the wee hours.
Where: The hospital closest to their houses.
Rating: R with these two, definitely a trigger warning for self-harm/suicide.
Status: Complete!

Sorry wasn't enough. And when Tate didn't show up to school for two days, Violet was sure she'd lost him. He'd moved or dropped out or transferred or died and she couldn't help herself and soon the pills found their ways into her fingers, down her throat - careful! Only two or three at a time or she'd throw too many of them up. Vodka would help, girls in the movies always drank vodka with pills when their lives were over.

She threw up some of it, but her skin was still grey when she messaged him, and she knew she looked like death when she arrived at the hospital. She had his room number, and she walked toward it, backpack in tow.

(Post a new comment)

noble_war
2012-11-27 07:42 am UTC (link)

Tate was sitting up in bed, picking at his stitches until some of them came loose. There were beads of blood up and down his arms, and even that didn't seem to get past the numb fascination with what he was doing to himself. In fact, he felt like he wasn't even in his own body anymore. It was someone else's body. Some useless fragment that could be discarded and forgotten about. And deep down, Tate knew this was more about the dreams and about Violet pushing him away, more than it was about what Beth had done to cause it.

Actually, Beth - that stupid cunt - had been a catalyst for the whole thing happening, but he'd ~~stab her in the throat a few times~~ ~~crack her skull open and keep on beating her head in until it was sludge~~ ~~blow her brains out with one of his shotguns~~ get even with her later. If he didn't kill himself first, that is.

Or if Violet didn't kill herself. That thought left his stomach churning and he hadn't even swallowed that many pills. Only gashed his arms until his fingers were so slick with blood they couldn't hold anything to cut them anymore, and - when that didn't help scare him out of the downward spiral - he was fumbling around with loading his handgun, to simply put himself out of his misery.

Needless to say, Tate looked like death warmed over too. ~~That is strangely suitable, no?~~ He was pale, had dark circles under his eyes, and visions of killing those gay dudes were dancing through his head.

He never wanted to look at a fire poker, ever again.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

takeeverything
2012-11-27 07:46 am UTC (link)

She'd managed to get past Tate's mother by saying she had his homework. The nurses were looking at her funny though, so she had to focus really hard on getting to his room. She was dizzy and things were spinning and she could feel her hand on the door before she registered she was going through it.

"I wanted to see you," she murmured, words slurred. "Sorry for - " But then she fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes, head hitting sharply. He'd been so pale, why had he been so pale?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-27 07:53 am UTC (link)

There. He felt something when he saw her and heard her voice, and he was even going to say to forget about it when he saw how ashen she was. But when she fell, he reached for the nurse button and laid on it with a vengeance until the nurses came.

There wasn't much else he could do, since it was like the blind leading the freaking blind, there. And he didn't have the strength left after they gave him some meds, to get out of bed to help.

"...she took a bunch of tylenol and stuff," he was saying, his voice sounding too thin and small to his own ears, for him to fully recognize it as his own. In fact, it sounded as though someone else entirely had ratted Violet out, from some far off corner of the room.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

takeeverything
2012-11-27 08:01 am UTC (link)

Violet didn't feel anything. The nurses were picking her up, two of them to get her onto a gurney, sweeping her toward an operating room to pump her stomach. If she'd taken less they'd have just made her swallow charcoal, but she hadn't. She'd taken more than sixty, so many more than sixty, and she'd taken a variety of pills - a few from every jar in the house. She'd just not wanted to worry Tate.

When she came to, her throat hurt and she coughed. "Tate?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-27 08:12 am UTC (link)

Yay, they dumped her off in his room again, probably to save space. Because it's a public hospital and they'll cram a patient into a cubical if they could get away with it. ~~And because it's our hospital and I said they did it, so there. Neener neener.~~

Tate was staring at her, like he was staring into her, or through her. His eyes were very wide, and were so dark brown they looked black even under the florescent lighting.

"Don't do that ever again," he said slowly, in the ultimate hypocrite moment of Hey, how about you take your own advice, dude? "Why did you listen to her. She doesn't give a rat's ass about you."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

takeeverything
2012-11-27 08:16 am UTC (link)

"Tate?" She turned her head. "What happened?" Coughing, she looked around to see if there was something to drink, finding a carafe of water and some ice in a bin. "I didn't - I didn't mean to, but I thought I'd lost you because I doubted you. And I deserved to. And - "

And since she'd deserved to lose the only good thing she'd ever had, what point was there in living?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-27 08:37 am UTC (link)

"You took a bunch of aspirin and vodka," Tate told her, leaning over in the hospital bed to get a better look at her. "Now you get to go through a free psyche evaluation like I got. They'll blame it on being a dumb teenager, tell your parents, and let you go, and we get out of school for a week. Whoo."

He was staring at her, very intently, like his eyes could bore holes through her, and he could make sure she was going to be all right with his stare, alone.

"I want to kill her for using you like a total tool," he started to say, in a harsh whisper. "I bet she didn't give you a second thought, before she went trying to get back into Frankentit's panties again. Because she got what she wanted and fuck everything else. That's the way cheerleaders roll. Since the dawn of high school."

What? It's not like he isn't right. Duh.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

takeeverything
2012-11-27 08:41 am UTC (link)

"I don't want to talk about her." Violet rolled over, looking at him. "I love you." Her voice sounded like she'd been gargling glass. "I want to be with you, Tate, that's all I've ever wanted. And I don't care if you're honest, you're right, I'm just weak, I'm weak and stupid and I always have been." She could feel the tears forming in her eyes and she closed them tightly.

She'd tell the psychiatrist that she did it because she didn't even remember the last time her parents hugged her. It would be only partially true. She didn't remember that, but it wasn't why.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-27 08:50 am UTC (link)

"She's the one who fucking started this shit and made you feel this way!" he yelled, suddenly and sharply, so that the accusation hung in the air of the room and the entire atmosphere suddenly felt very thick and incredibly heavy. As soon as he felt that, himself, and felt something finally past being rightfully pissed off, Tate's entire demeanor changed and softened again. Even as that happened, he began idly fiddling with another piece of gauze from his wrist, to get an anxious finger in and begin methodically picking away at more stitches.

"All I want is you." He stared back at her with tears forming in his own eyes and said very softly, "But you're not weak. You're not stupid. All of this stuff, it just makes us stronger if we can live past it. But she knows how to use people and make them hurt, as long as she gets what she wants and people bow down to her. And people like that? They don't deserve to live. Not without hurting, too. She should be the one who's where you are, right now. Not you. You didn't deserve this."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

takeeverything
2012-11-27 09:01 am UTC (link)

She was able to yell too. "She doesn't matter, Tate! Don't you see?" She was crying, her eyes red and swollen, her voice cracking with every word. "We're together, that's what matters. If you still love me," she croaked, trying to sit up and look at him.

"If you still love me, then she didn't win, and who cares about her anyway? She'll just die or something and I just want to - Tate, I just want to be with you." She stood up, legs shaking, but managed to make it to his bed. "What did you do to your wrists? You said you'd stop."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-27 09:26 am UTC (link)

"It does matter. It matters to me. Because she'll keep doing it, because she did it to you, and because she thinks she can get away with it," he said, the words slow and measured out. And even if he felt the tears on his face, the world felt fuzzy all of a sudden, disconnected and disjointed. He was left staring down at his arms like he didn't know who they belonged to, before he finally looked up and focused on her face as she approached.

It should have been a simple matter to sit up and reach down, to lower the railing on the side of the bed, and to try to help her up onto it with him. But even that was done slowly, sluggishly. He felt tired all over, inside and out.

"I'll always love you," he told her. "I thought you didn't want me anymore and that I lost you...so...this happened."

He didn't want to show her that the cuts went up both of his lower arms, entirely. He'd already been picking under the gauze there, so there were errant blotches of red on the clean white. Everything had simply piled up to a breaking point, between the thought of losing her and too many bad dreams. Enough that something in his mind felt like it had snapped, and he was cutting and cutting and couldn't stop himself. Just like Violet couldn't stop herself and had to have her stomach pumped.

Only Tate wasn't so forgiving, as Violet seemed to be. Even so, if she told him no, she was the only person on the entire planet he would probably listen to.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	takeeverything 2012-11-27 06:50 pm UTC (link)
	Violet was sitting on his gurney with him, reaching down to touch his arms. "I only needed stitches on one of the cuts I made," she murmured, knowing that Tate would be upset with her. She closed her eyes. "I'm tired, Tate. I just want to be here with you. I don't care about all of the rest of it." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-28 04:16 am UTC (link)

He cared about the rest of it, but Tate was quiet for a long moment, until he took hold of her hands in his own. Whatever he decided to do, could wait for later. For right now, he had Violet back, and that made everything better and more bearable.

"I'm tired too," he admitted, gently luring her into a hug. "Let's just...pass out for a while, until our dumb-ass parents drag us out of here."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	takeeverything 2012-11-28 05:49 am UTC (link)
	"Wonder if your name will scar," she murmured, burrowing into his touch. "Is it stupid I started to cut myself and all I could think of was your name?" It was around her ring finger and on her stomach now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-28 06:04 am UTC (link)

"You shouldn't have done that," he mumbled under his breath, closing his eyes. "It's not stupid."

After all, somewhere in the mess on his arms? He had her name there more than once. Or, at least, that's where he was doing at first, until he went overboard just as much as she did.

Ahh. Young love. Where everything feels like it's the end of the world - or the entire universe - if it goes wrong.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	takeeverything 2012-11-28 06:12 am UTC (link)
	"Probably not." Violet kissed him, curling up and actually feeling safe for the first time in days. She closed her eyes, twining their fingers together and smiling. "I love you. This is all I needed." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-28 06:25 am UTC (link)

"I love you," he said, holding onto her like he was afraid to let go. Which, considering the last few days, he might be. A bit. Deep down, inside. He wasn't sure what else he needed, but Violet did make everything better. Hopefully she wouldn't tell him to go away again. He hadn't liked it when she sent those words to him, and he didn't want to ever hear her say them, out loud.

But that was something he'd tell her, later on, when they both were feeling more normal. Or what was normal for them, at the very least.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	takeeverything 2012-11-28 08:11 am UTC (link)
	She closed her eyes. "I don't know if you'll ever be able to forgive me. And I don't know if I deserve it. I never thought I was really - I don't think I could ever really leave. For what that's worth." She felt like she could finally sleep, really rest, unafraid of dreams. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

noble_war
2012-11-28 08:18 am UTC (link)

"It's all right. You didn't make it happen." Beth did. He knew it, and the only speck of reservations he had, was that she'd listened to Beth and cast him aside so easily, based on what she was told. But it wasn't like he was going to bring it up, because he knew who to blame and who deserved it, and Violet wasn't the one who did. He was simply at ease, because she was in his arms and he could sleep. And even if the dreams came, and even if they were terrible...he would wake up with her there.

(Reply to this) (Parent)