Clarice is working with portals (lostinexile) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-10-28 13:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, clarice ferguson (blink), illyana rasputin (magik) |
There wasn't a lot that Illyana could do, but she could make her lover a damn good cup of cocoa.
Who: Clarice and Illyana
What: almost confessions and peptalks
When: Right after this dream
Where: Apartment
Status: Complete
Rating: PG
There were a lot of reasons that Clarice had ported here. One was that she wanted to feel the biting cold, for no other reason than it would take her mind off her dreams. That hadn't really happened. Another reason was that she knew this place, and her powers worked better in the waking world when it was a place she knew. Less unpredictable.
She couldn't scry like Illyana.
Finally though, when she knew she couldn't take the cold any more, she ported back to her bedroom.
Illyana awaited her arrival with a very warm blanket and a cup of something warm to drink. She wasn't sure what to say, or if Clarice even wanted to talk about it. Instead of saying anything, she handed her the mug, and wrapped the blanket around her in silence.
Clarice leaned against Illyana with a heavy sigh, closing her eyes for a moment as she sipped what turned out to be hot cocoa. It was the perfect thing, both warm and comforting, and she smiled, "Sorry. The dreams. I was...." She trailed off.
"You know I am not afraid of anything that happens in the dreams. I will not be alarmed, or judge you. You can tell me anything." Illyana put her arms around Clarice and started rubbing, trying to warm her up.
"I went home. I was supposed to go home. I didn't want to, my world was a shit hole. But they sent me back to another place. To help Mr. Creed with something. We...there was this boy. We were supposed to kill him."
The thought still filled her with distaste, "When I went back he was an adult, and he was terrible. He took over my mind...."
"I killed...thousands," She finished, voice hollow. "Bits and pieces at a time."
"... That is... not something that you would do, otherwise, I know." Illyana commented, and squeezed her. In many ways, Clarice was a far more decent person than she was. This was one of those areas where she was convinced Clarice was very innocent on the inside. It was a part of her Illyana hoped would remain that way, dreams notwithstanding.
"Your mind was controlled and you could do nothing to stop it. I do not think that helps you. It may make you feel worse. But that is dream land, and you are not responsible for those lives, here."
"I still feel responsible," Clarice snapped. "For them, and for Mariko, because I wasn't there to protect her. She died and I wasn't there and the fucking Timebroker took me back to replace her. She was my friend!"
She curled up tighter, "Timebreakers. Beware the Timebreakers..."
"I know you do. But you are not. And there is nothing that says that if you had been present, you would have been able to save your friend, either. You do not know, you never will."
Illyana was speaking facts, but her tone was gentle. She rocked Clarice in place a bit, "Your timebroker is not here, either. No one will make you do things you do not wish to do. No one will use you like a pawn."
“I would have known something was wrong with Cal. I could have saved Mariko.” She whispered, resting her cheek on Illyana’s shoulder. It comforted her. “I never had a choice, there.”
She'd rarely heard Clarice mention names when discussing her dreams. Mariko was slightly new, Cal was even more so. Illyana was certain she'd never heard that one before. The tone Clarice used to say it implied a level of familiarity.
Illyana squinted a bit, but let it go for now, "Well you have a choice, here."
"You're right. I do. I do..." She pressed a hand to her head, trying to ward the memories away. She knew if she wallowed in them again they'd be a gateway to even worse memories.
"And... I choose you. I'd choose you over Cal." At least that's how she felt now. She hadn't yet dreamed of his death, "I'd choose you over that whole fucked up life, but that's an easy one."
"I was not aware that this was something you would need to make a choice about, but I am relieved that you would choose me?" Illyana rubbed her back again. She had this growing feeling in her gut, and wasn't sure how to name it. It felt a little bit like indigestion, but she hadn't eaten anything spicy.
Clarice was here pouring her heart out about something, and choosing her, and there would come a time soon where the person she chose was dead. That was a certainty. It wasn't a chance. And she didn't know, she was completely unaware, because Illyana hadn't told her.
At the time, she'd thought that was for the best. Now she wasn't so sure.
"I... just.. yeah. I loved him there, but I love you. And even if he walked through that door, I'm with you, and he didn't make me feel the way you do. All wound up and electric and alive."
Clarice thought something might be wrong. She couldn't place what it was. Illyana was using cover up, she seemed thinner and more tired. Clarice had taken to giving her surprise massages. Her greatest fear was the cancer had returned, but she didn't know how to bring the subject up.
The very idea made her nauseous, and so she put blinders on.
What Illyana wanted to do was push her away. She'd thought about it a million times. Breaking up with her, making her go move back in with her parents. Being distant and completely emotionally unavailable - more than she was, already.
None of that ever ended up happening. She hadn't managed it any of the times she tried. She bit back, in fact, the words that would have started an argument with her about this. Maybe you SHOULD take him over me. Maybe you'd love him more if he came here.
It needed to be done. Illyana couldn't decide if not doing it was selfish or selfless. She shook her head and stepped away from Clarice a bit, "Do you want more hot cocoa?"
Clarice nodded her head. At times Illyana could be very unavailable, but she always seemed to warm up and come around, in ways that not even Kitty could manage. It was something to cherish, and never take for granted.
"Yes, thank you. I'm still freezing."
So maybe the snow thing had been stupid, but the way her fingers and toes and skin was tingling, it helped her find focus.
"Put something warm on, and I will get you some more. I think you should stay home today. We can be on the couch together. Watch boring tv or movies." Illyana took the mug from Clarice's hand.
She didn't wait for a reply before she left the room.
Clarice got to her feet, shedding the blanket. She padded to the closet, pulled out a pair of sweats and a sweater. She stared at her costume for a long moment, then closed the closet door, sighing.
The Keurig did most of the work, where the cocoa was concerned. Illyana got some whipped cream out of the fridge though, and some milk to add to it when it was done. That made it extra creamy. There wasn't a lot that Illyana could do, but she could make her lover a damn good cup of cocoa.
That had to count for something, right?
It counted for a lot right now. Changed, Clarice walked into the living area. She'd called in, apologizing profusely to Fluttershy. The twins appeared to be in school, and the other two ladies out or at work. She wasn't sure which it was. Kitty's schedule was really fluid.
She plopped onto the couch, smiling at Illyana, "I'm so lucky."
There was that feeling again. It kept gnawing at her, and Illyana didn't know what to do. Maybe she was hungry. She got them both some cookies as a snack, and brought them over with the hot cocoa.
"Here. Have some cookies."
That feeling, Ms. Rasputin, is guilt.
“Thanks!” Clarice tugged Illyana down next to her, careful to not spill the cocoa in the process. She needed external warmth as much as internal warmth, and she’d never turn down an Illyana cuddle.
Cuddles which Illyana was more than happy to provide!
It kept her mind off of that gnawing feeling. Whatever that was.
Guiiiiiiiiiiilt