Helen Magnus (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} britishcharm) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} valarlogs,@ 2012-10-26 17:19:00 |
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Who: Helen and Nikola
What: Reconnecting.
When: Again, a couple weeks ago.
Where: Helen’s House
Status: Complete!
Rating: PG
Helen paced anxiously between her living room and kitchen, two sets of eyes following her movements. She looked well, if she was still somewhat pale, radiating an exhaustion that would lessen only with time. It would be difficult to believe that, just a few days previous, she had been on her deathbed. But the experience had left its mark. How short life could be. And she had already let so much of hers slip away.
It was that realization that had finally prompted her to make the phone call she had been avoiding for so many months. Their conversation had been awkward, distant. It seemed the years had done little to soften the rift between them. When she had asked him over for tea, it had been on impulse, desperate to regain something of the connection they had once shared. She missed him.
Wincing apologetically when she caught Winnie’s gaze, she forced herself to still, leaning against the counter as she watched the drive through her kitchen window.
She had requested Varric allow her the afternoon, suspecting he likely had something more to do than keeping her company, even if he might not have argued had she asked him to stay. But she had wanted time alone with Nikola, needed to know if something of their friendship was still intact, if it could be mended.
Nikola knew that Helen was in Southern California. It wasn’t the only reason he’d chosen to come down here, but it was one of them. He was hoping that he’d either get back in touch with her, or run into her somewhere or somehow... a part of him just needed to be here. To be near her.
The phone call was a little out of the blue, a little before he expected. But he was pleased nonetheless. He dressed nicer than a trip to the store, and headed over to the address she’d provided him. To see her again after all these years...
He knocked. It was strange that his heart was beating so wildly.
It had been so long since she had seen him last, but there was no mistaking the man walking up her drive. He hadn't really changed. In some ways, that was a relief.
She hesitated briefly when she opened the door, uncertain what she was allowed after so many years. Finally, though, her hands slid to his arms, and she gently kissed his cheek before pulling back.
"It's good to see you, Nikola."
Oh, boy, did he want to hug her. It’d been years, though, and he, too, wasn’t sure if that was allowed. He turned his hands up, took hold of her elbows as she kissed his cheek, then released her and gave her a little smile.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” He said. “Can I come in?”
She nodded. "Of course. Please." She gestured toward the kitchen, waiting until he was inside to shut the door behind him.
"Tea?"
“I’d love some.” While she was shutting the door, he was looking around her place. Or what little of it he could see. He slipped his hands into his pockets and waited for her to give him the tour.
Nodding, she moved back into the kitchen. Her primary living spaces, living room and kitchen, were well, but sparsely, furnished. She owned what was an obviously expensive stereo, but he wouldn't find a television. The warmer rooms, the bedroom, office, and library, were further back in the house, mostly closed off from view, though the bedroom door stood open, presumably where Evan had vanished, while the older greyhound claimed her usual place on the sofa.
A few of Varric's knickknacks had found their way in between her own keepsakes, and his laptop laid on the kitchen table. Her own laptop rested on the counter, along with her phone. He might be waiting until after tea for that tour, as it hadn't yet occurred to her to give him one.
Nikola gave a couple of nods, wandering slowly around the front room. He peeked down hallways and through doors, then finally followed her into the kitchen.
“How long have you been living here?” He asked, trying to ignore the extra laptop. Was it Ashley’s?
"Not quite a year. But I've been living in California for more than a decade."
She looked up from preparing the tea, studying him.
"And where have you been all these years?" then softer, "We talk so rarely."
Nikola nodded. He’d known that she was living in California for this long, though he didn’t know exactly where for the majority of the decade. He turned to lean against the counter, his eyes on her face as she studied him.
“Doing a lot of work,” Nikola confessed after a moment. “You know me, I can’t stand it if I’m not busy every moment of every day.”
"We always had that in common." She crossed to hand him his tea. "You've done well for yourself."
“You’ve been following my successes?” Nikola asked, accepting the mug from her. His fingers brushed against hers as he took the cup.
A faint smile crossed her features at the brush of fingertips.
"Of course, I have." Her expression became a little sadder. "I never forgot, Nikola."
Nikola’s face grew a little cold at the sad expression on her features. He cleared his throat as he lifted his mug to sip from it. “Never forgot what?”
“You,” she answered simply, moving to sit.
Nikola had to take a moment to calm his heart. At her word, one word, one simple word, his heart had begun to thunder in his chest. He blinked, the only betrayal of his true emotion flashing across his face for a split second before following her to sit near her.
“Your daughter’s quite grown up now, isn’t she?”
She smiled warmly. “Quite. She’s a police officer.”
“Thought I smelled bacon,” he teased.
She hid another smile behind her cup, taking a sip of her tea before addressing him again. “She’s grown into a remarkable young woman. I couldn’t be more proud of what she’s accomplished.”
“I’m sure. She has you for a mother. How could she be anything but remarkable?” He responded quite honestly, then sipped from his own mug.
"I'm afraid I'm not quite the woman you remember," she murmured, eyes focused on her tea.
Nikola frowned. “Oh?”
"I've gotten fragile."
Nikola’s frown deepened. “What does that mean, exactly?”
She chuckled. A soft, humorless sound. "Would you have ever thought I could be afraid of living?"
“Afraid of living?” His brow furrowed. “That doesn’t sound at all like you.” He said, then set his mug down and folded his arms across his chest.
"On the contrary. It sounds very much like me." She looked up at him, then, not certain how he would take that answer.
“Explain.” He said, softly. It was a demand, but it didn’t sound harsh.
That tone was a familiar one. And she still couldn’t ignore it. “You were aware of my divorce, the circumstances that led to it?”
Nikola finally tore his eyes away from her face. It hurt him so much to know that she’d chosen to be with him, and that things didn’t work out. He hated that he couldn’t do things for her, couldn’t help her, couldn’t heal her.
He had no idea that she’d been this broken over the whole thing. “Afraid of living”? Really?
“Ashley had been ill, for so long.” She trailed off, shaking her head. She had needed him, and he hadn’t been there. The final blow had come when he didn’t fight the divorce. Knowing he could so easily walk away from them was what had finally broken her, making her question her own role in ending their marriage.
“I never thought he would leave. And I blamed myself for it.”
Nikola simply listened. He felt ashamed that he hadn’t been there for Helen through all of it. He felt anger toward John, toward all that had happened between them. He felt love for Helen, still, even after all these years. But mostly he felt worried about her. Worried about all she’d been through. He hated that she wasn’t the woman he loved oh-so long ago.
“I wasn’t the wife I should have been, Nikola. Nor was I the mother you believe me to be.”
He finally looked back over at her at those words. What on Earth did she mean?
“I think you’re being too hard on yourself, Helen.”
She sighed softly, curling her fingers tightly around her cup. “You aren’t the first to think so.”
He wanted so badly to comfort her. To hold her in his arms. He cursed himself for those feelings. Perhaps they would never go away.
“What can I do to...” Uncharacteristically at a loss for words, he paused, “help?”
Perhaps it was wrong of her, now that she was promised to another, but if he had offered, she would have let him. He had been her closest friend once, the one person who had known her better than she knew herself. She missed the easy contact, the comfort of simply being close to him.
"Be patient with me. It's the most I could ask of you." She looked down again, studying the contents of her cup intently. "I've been fortunate to have those who would support me, even at my worst."
“I’ll be here.” Now. He wished he was there earlier for her. There for her when she needed him the most, but all he could do now was be the friend that he wished he was back then.
He finally reached forward and picked up his mug again. It was so strange, they’d been so close at one point. And now he felt so awkward. He felt like he didn’t belong in her life.
She nodded, then tentatively reached out to squeeze his arm. "I believe you."
After a moment, she reclaimed her hand, taking a careful breath. "We've a great deal to catch up on."
“Mmm.” Nikola agreed. “Where to begin?”
"Perhaps where we left off?"
“All right.” Nikola said softly. He held his mug between both his hands, savoring the warmth that it gave. “You start.”
“I did well for myself in Seattle. I finished my degree, worked my way up to become a city prosecutor, and I was very good at it.” Of course, that had changed with Ashley’s illness, but she assumed that went without saying. Distracted, she had let her work slide. Even before the divorce, her future employment had been in question. “Then I lost a case that I shouldn’t have. I made an error in judgment and neglected procedure.”
She sighed, pulling her cup closer, trying desperately not to fidget. Something which only made her hate the distance that had grown between them even more.
“I wanted to get away. And here we are,” she finished quietly, gesturing vaguely toward the space around her.
“It was my therapist who suggested I start my own practice. That, at least, is a decision I don’t regret making.”
“How has your own practice been treating you?” Nikola asked. He wanted to know more about the case that she lost, but he didn’t want to put any pressure on her. That wouldn’t do. There would come a time when it was his turn to talk, but it didn’t seem like this was it.
"Well enough." That was an understatement. It had given her focus again. She wasn't quite prepared to admit that yet.
“And Ashley? How is she?” He asked. Let’s get all the chit chat stuff out of the way before he relayed his own story.
The mention of Ashley earned another smile. “Strong. And what about you, Nikola? How have you been?”
Strong was good. Very good. Nikola shifted his weight a little, then shrugged one shoulder. “I’ve been surviving.” He said, softly. “There are a lot of things I’ve done that I’m not entirely proud of.” If it was anyone else, he wouldn’t have admitted such information. But this was Helen, and he found he couldn’t keep things from her.
“But for the most part I think I’ve made a positive mark on the world. And I’ve enjoyed myself while doing it.”
“We all have. I know, at heart, you meant well, even if others may have doubted you.”
Nikola raised a playful eyebrow. “Others have doubted me?” He asked, teasingly.
“Only because they didn’t know you.” She answered with an easy smile, but it faded a moment later. “I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you.”
“I’m easy to miss,” Nikola responded with a gentle tease. He smiled at her gently, trying not to let his hopes, his shame, his confusion show through his expression.
She chuckled. “That, you certainly are.”
Glancing back down at her tea, she took a breath, gathering her thoughts. She hated the idea of hurting him, but she hated the thought of lying to him, even more. “You’ve missed a lot, Nikola.”
“I’m here now.” He said, a bit softer and more seriously than he meant.
She reached across the table, seeking his hand. “I’m glad you are.”
Nikola hesitated for a split second, worried about what might happen to his heart. Or to hers. But then he reached forward, took her hand, and gave it a squeeze.
She gripped his hand with something like relief. Maybe everything could be okay again. Maybe they could be okay again.
“No more running.” she said softly, a pact that applied to herself as well as him.