Axel Miller [SyFy's Van Helsing] (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} igotfirstwatch) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} valarlogs,@ 2020-12-20 19:33:00 |
 |
|||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Entry tags: | axel miller, vanessa van helsing |
Who: Vanessa and Axel Miller
What: Their daughter's going to see Santa
Where: Their home
When: Earlier this month
Warnings: PTSD
Status: Complete
That had been a few days ago now, though, and they were heading toward Christmas. Axel had concerns there, because Christmas was a bigger, louder, more hectic sort of holiday. They were kicking off the season with a trip to the mall to get Dylan’s picture with Santa.
Axel wanted to be there, he just wasn’t sure it was a good idea. His brain kept circling back to the concern that he might have a panic attack. “Maybe I should stay home,” he suggested, not for the first time.
Dylan had been excited to see her aunt Scarlett when they'd gone over for Thanksgiving. That little girl loved her whole entire family. Three year olds, unfortunately, were very excitable. Something that Vanessa had known for a while. She'd been taking care of Dylan since the day she was born. That little girl meant the world to her. So, she was glad that they were in the OC and Dylan could see her aunt.
Luckily, for all of them, Vanessa had managed to get a few days off of work. They were very lenient about that when it came to her husband being home. Despite the fact that she loved being a nurse, there were times that she was thinking about quitting. Doing something else with a bit more time. Not that she knew what that would even be.
Those tired eyes look over to Axel for a moment when he says that, she’d just gotten their little girl cleaned up. Last thing she wanted to do, especially when she was feeling a bit worn out, was snap at him. Especially when she knew how PTSD worked. That was something that she'd looked into the moment that he came home. Not that she'd needed to look into it, she'd already know. There had been a lot of people that came into the hospital with it. Some of them soldiers and some of them not.
"And what're you going to tell Dylan when she asks why you don't want to come, Axel?"
“I’ll tell her I’m not feeling so good.” He knew he needed to put himself out there more. Leave the house. Interact with the general public. He wanted to do that. He wanted to go and see Dylan with Santa, and share that memory with her. But it was terrifying for him too, even with Vanessa there.
Worse than that was the crippling feeling that he was letting them both down. That was the worst of it for him. He wanted to be strong for them. He wanted to be the husband Vanessa remembered, the father Dylan deserved. He felt like he wasn’t good enough for either of them.
"Maybe I should just have Scarlett take her."
Vanessa had been the happiest person alive when her husband had come back home. It was better than having the military at her door saying that he was KIA. That would've devastated her. To her? It was better to have him home, a bit broken, than not at all. Only, she didn't realize how thin it was wearing on her.
Unfortunately, Axel's excuse wouldn't have worked and she knew that. Dylan was a very observant little girl. Saw right through people. Even caught onto Scarlett's little white lies most of the time. So, maybe she'd just have her sister take Dylan to see Santa.
She'd say something about getting his service dog afterwards, but the people would want Dylan there too. So, that was out of the question for the time being.
Axel sighed. “I want to go, Vanessa. I just.” He raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He hated feeling this way. He hated letting his anxiety rule his life, but it did and he didn’t know how to live any other way.
He’d push himself through it, but where Dylan was concerned, he was even more apprehensive. She was an innocent child. She didn’t deserve a father with the problems Axel had. Which made him start thinking he never should have come home in the first place. Which wasn’t fair to Vanessa.
The cycle was vicious and unrelenting.
"You just what, Axel?"
As a nurse she understood PTSD just fine, understood anxiety and other things that went with it. As a mother and a wife, though, that understanding went out the window sometimes. Especially when it came to the three year old little girl that she'd been raising on her own. Last thing she needed was her daughter coming to her, for any reason, asking why didn't didn't care or love her. Something that Vanessa was afraid might happen. It hadn't yet, but that fear was still there.
"I'll talk to her and have Scarlett come pick her up."
She didn't even realize how tired she, herself, sounded. Between work, taking care of Dylan and making sure that Axel was fine too, it weighed on her a bit. Not that she'd give it up for the world, she wouldn't. She couldn't. She loved her husband and daughter far too much for that.
He shook his head. He didn’t have an answer for her. Anxiety didn’t make sense. Panic didn’t make sense. All he knew was that no matter how much he wanted to go with Dylan to be there with her and share in the experience of her visit with Santa, he didn’t feel like he could. Felt like it was too much.
He wanted to say there was always next year, but he didn’t want to cheapen this year.
“I’m sorry.” He felt like he was constantly apologising for things he had no control over. Which made him feel worse all over again.
"Don't."
Last thing Vanessa wanted was apologizes. It wasn't like this was something that Axel had control over. Moving over she places her hands on either side of her husband's face, giving him a soft smile. She wasn't even paying attention to the tears sliding down her cheeks.
"I get it, Axel," she says softly. "Maybe not from experience, but I get it." The whole situation broke her heart. In all honesty, her heart felt like it was shattering in a million pieces. Dylan was three years old. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad. "We love you, and I know this will take time." No matter how much it hurt.
She pulls away from him, if only so she can message her sister and talk to their daughter," Maybe when she gets back we can see about getting your service dog." Something they needed to do sooner rather than later.
Axel didn’t say anything more. He didn’t trust his voice not to crack, and make things worse. Harder for Vanessa. It was all hard enough. He had disrupted every aspect of her daily life, and he hated it because he didn’t know how to make it better. He wasn’t sure that he could.
He just nodded, and ran a hand over his face, squeezing the bridge of his nose. He stayed where he was while Vanessa made arrangements for Scarlett to take Dylan to the mall. He knew he would regret not going, he already did, but he knew he would regret it even more if he did. He wasn’t ready to deal with people in that sort of setting.
Honestly? Vanessa wasn't sure what to do with any of this. She tries to explain to Dylan that daddy wasn't feeling good, so she was going to take care of him. That aunt Scarlett was going to take her to see Santa. She tried not to show how upset she was around their daughter. Dylan picked up on a lot of stuff.
Once Scarlett picks her up, though, she leans back against the door and takes a deep breath before letting it out," Sit with me?"
He didn’t understand why she’d want him to sit with her. He’d just ruined everything. Dylan was going to see Santa with her aunt. Not with her parents. Even if he felt like he couldn’t go to the mall, Vanessa should have gone with their daughter. Instead she was staying with him.
Because he was having a hard time.
He wanted to refuse. He wanted to go hide in the bedroom, close the door, turn off the lights. But it wouldn’t help. He knew it wouldn’t help, and would really only make him feel worse. So he went and sat beside Vanessa.
“I hate feeling this way.”
Maybe he'd understand if he knew exactly how much she loved him. Despite the PTSD, despite the tiredness and general feeling of being run down, she loved him. More than words could even express. She'd fallen in love with him even before Dylan was a part of the picture.
They were both having a hard time, just one for a different reason than the other.
Vanessa reaches down and threads their fingers together, bringing his hand up and kissing the back of it. A part of her knows that she should've gone with Dylan. That people might talk just because she didn't, but Scarlett didn't mind doing it. Knew that she was going through a hard time. That all of them were. So, they were all trying to keep that three year old little girl happy.
"I know, Axel. It might not get better right away, but it'll get better eventually. You'll get there. You just have to take it a day at a time."
He felt like one day at a time wasn’t enough. Wasn’t fair to his wife or his child. Dylan deserved better. Vanessa at least could make an informed choice, when she chose to stay with him. Dylan didn’t have a choice at all. She was stuck with him as long as Vanessa wanted him to stay around.
And then he hated himself for thinking that way. Because he knew Vanessa loved him. And he loved her. But it was hard. Every day was a new struggle for him. She said it would get better, but he didn’t know if it would. Where he was sitting, it was hard to imagine that.
He just nodded and sighed and pressed his hand into hers. There wasn’t anything to say, words wouldn’t help the situation. He was just grateful for her staying with him. Holding him when he wasn’t sure he had the strength to hold himself together.