Who: Alex Manes and Michael Guerin What: Talking Where: Michael's Airstream When: Recently Warnings: Alex should have known better Status: Complete Gdoc
Alex knew Michael was seeing other people. He tried to tell himself he was okay with it, but it was getting harder and harder for him to just ignore. He hadn’t said anything out of concern that if he voiced his feelings on the issue, he’d push Michael away. It was a risk, and he knew it, so he tried to convince himself he’d rather share Michael than not have him at all.
But honestly, it was difficult. His feelings were only growing deeper, more intense. He hated the thought of Michael being with anyone else. So, it was with intent to have an honest conversation with him that Alex showed up at Michael’s airstream with a bag of take out and a case of beer.
Michael never really considered himself a player. He just liked to keep things casual. The fact that lately he was coming back to the same few people was new for him. He didn’t want to get attached to anyone. What was the point? They always left. From the time he was seven years old no one had really wanted him. Which was why he still kept everyone at arms length.
Tonight though Michael figured it was a good idea not to call anyone, which was why he was surprised when there was a knock on the door. Although when he opened it, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face at the sight of Alex Manes standing there with food and a case of beer. “Hey,” he greeted, giving the man a quick kiss before stepping aside to let him in. “I wasn’t expecting you tonight,”
“Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to come here tonight. Until I did.” There was a point he’d made the decision that it was time to have a conversation, but it hadn’t started out that way. He was here now, though, and while he could still change his mind about having that conversation he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to do that.
“You don’t mind, do you?” he asked. Because he had showed up unexpectedly, and he knew there was a possibility Michael had someone in the bedroom. If he did, maybe that was a sign to walk away, but Alex wasn’t prepared to do that. Michael had him all tied up in knots and he needed to figure at least some of it out.
“Well, I’m glad you did” Michael replied with a smile. The thought that Alex was trying to catch him with someone or worried that there might be someone else there didn’t even cross his mind. Alex was the only one who really ever stayed at his airstream.
He grabbed the case of beer from Alex putting most of it in the fridge and leaving two out for them. “So what’d ya get?” he asked referring to the take out as he handed Alex over a beer.
“Tacos from the food truck in town,,” Alex offered, waving the bag slightly. He set it up on the counter and opened it up to start pulling the food out of it. Tacos could be hit or miss, sometimes, but he thought they were pretty good from the food truck.
He took one of the beers from Michael and opened it. He felt like he could do with something stronger, given the conversation he wanted to have, but he wouldn’t ask for anything. Beer was fine. He was going to initiate the conversation either way.
Once he worked up the nerve.
“Good choice,” Michael said with a grin. He grabbed a few tacos and made his way to the small table.
Something seemed off with Alex. Michael couldn’t quite place it. He just knew Alex wasn’t his usual self. Like something was on his mind maybe. “So,” Michael asked the grin still on his face. “What brought on this unexpected visit? Not that I’m complaining,” he was sure to add before taking a bite of his food. He meant it too, he was always happy to see Alex.
Alex didn’t want to jump right into things, but he wasn’t at all surprised that Michael questioned him that way. He probably knew something was on Alex’s mind. Alex drew a breath and set his current taco down.
“I uh, I wanted to talk to you. About...well, us. And the future.” He didn’t want to stumble all over himself, and his words, but for all that he had gone over what he wanted to say, he suddenly couldn’t remember any of it. “Like. I want to...maybe, I don’t know. Make this official. You and me.”
Michael set his taco down as Alex’s words sunk in. He should have known this was coming. Michael liked to keep things casual. People always left. So what was the point in getting invested? And yet he knew that was what Alex wanted. But Michael still kept him at a distance, did his best to keep things casual. Because even if Alex wanted him now, eventually he would leave. Just like he had in the dreams. And more importantly just like he had done before. It didn’t matter that they hadn’t been anything back in high school. Alex still left. What was to stop him from going back to New York now?
“Like be boyfriends?” Michael finally asked his brain slowly processing it all.
Alex nodded. He knew it was a risk. He knew there was a chance Michael would balk. That he’d just ruined everything. But it was a chance he had to take. He needed to take this step, to know it was the right thing to do.
“Yeah. Boyfriends.” It was still a little difficult for him to say it out loud. He had no problem being openly gay in New York. But back in California, even if he had cut ties with his father and hadn’t even seen him since his mother’s funeral, he was still a little bit wary of being too public about it all where his father could potentially see.
Michael swallowed, his eyes falling on the table. Alex looked so vulnerable right now, Michael couldn’t bear to keep looking at him. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Alex. “I, uh, I don’t really do that,” Michael finally said, lifting his eyes to look at the other man. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Alex. But he wasn’t boyfriend material. Soon enough Alex would see that and leave anyway. Better just to end things now.
He’d taken a risk, and it had backfired. He should have known Michael would reject the idea. Alex tried not to let the hurt show in his face, but he knew it was reflected in his eyes. “Yeah, of course not. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should…” he glanced at the door.
And he sighed. “I should just go.” Because he’d made a fool of himself. He felt like a fool, anyway. Better to cut and run than sit there and try to salvage the mess he’d just made.
Michael stood up, before he knew what he was doing his hand reached out for Alex, holding on to his wrist. “Alex…” he began his voice trailing off. But there were no words. What could he say? Alex wanted more and Michael couldn’t give it to him. He couldn’t risk it. Not when he knew how it would end. Still he remained there, holding on to Alex, unable to fully let him go.
“You’re trying to create a self fulfilling prophecy here, Michael. Everyone leaves, and if you push me away hard enough, maybe I’ll leave too and that will just reinforce the idea, right?” Alex’s voice was a bit pitched with emotion. He couldn’t help it. The more he tried to control it, the move uneven it seemed.
“But look at me, Michael. I’m still here. And I’ll still be here, no matter how hard you push me away.”
Michael was a bit taken aback by Alex’s words. The other man was practically reading his thoughts. But it didn’t matter. It didn’t change what Michael knew. No matter how much Alex claimed otherwise he would leave, just like everyone else.
His hand dropped, releasing its grasp in Alex’s wrist. Releasing Alex. “Weren’t you just about to leave?” Michael challenged. After all that was what Alex had said he was going to do before Michael reached out for him.
“To give you space, yeah.” Alex sighed. “But I’m not giving up on you.” He raised a hand up to scrub at his face. He was exhausted, all of a sudden. Because he understood Michael’s logic, and he refused to prove him right.
“I shouldn’t have thrown this at you. I realise that now.” He should have just left well enough alone. “I just thought maybe you’d realised I’m not going anywhere, no matter how much you push me away.”
Alex would give up on him. Everyone else did. He saw no reason why Alex would be different. “You say that now,” Michael said slowing. “But you will.” Leave he meant, he just couldn’t bring himself to say the actual word. “It’s better to just end things now.”
Michael swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. There was a reason he had always kept things casual, why all he did was one night stands and the occasional friends with benefits. To keep situations like this from happening. To keep himself from getting too close, invested. Because all it did was cause hurt.
“You need time,” Alex said. “That’s fine. I’ll give you time. That isn’t the same as leaving. Because I’m not doing that,” Alex ran a hand over his face. He hated that he’d created this situation. He should have known better.
But it was done. He’d taken the risk. Of course Michael had shot him down. Of course Michael was trying to double down with the pushing him away. Alex just wasn’t going to make that expectation of Michael’s come true.
“I’m not going anywhere, Michael. The sooner you realise that, the better.”
Michael wanted to believe it but he couldn’t let himself. He doubted that Alex would even be able to prove it either. He didn’t have it in him to argue that point with Alex though. There was no point. As far as Michael was concerned this was the end. “I’ll see you around, Alex.”