Who: Leon and Alex What: Leon has some news for Alex When: Tonight, September 7th Where: IHOP Rating/Warning: Low/none. Some language. Status: Complete
Leon… didn’t especially want to have this conversation. It wasn’t one that he’d ever had before. Normally, when he broke up with someone, they just disappeared from his life and he never heard from them again. He’d never had any particular connection with any of his girlfriends, and none of them had stayed in his life after the fact. He hadn’t been friends with any of them, and he definitely hadn’t slept with any of them after (not that there weren’t a few he wouldn’t have minded sleeping with after, but it wasn’t the same as him and Alex).
He didn’t know why he felt so guilty, except for the fact that this is what Alex had insisted on being true all along, and really, it was why they had broken up, even if Leon hadn’t seen it at the time - it was still a little unnerving that Alex apparently knew Leon’s heart better than he did himself.
But, he reminded himself, Alex had that new guy - Billy - now, so there was that, at least. And he was getting $100 out of the deal, so it wasn’t like he had anything to complain about.
He stiffened when he saw Alex walk in the iHop and swallowed - he hadn’t mentioned anything about D in his texts to Alex, and he wondered what Alex thought all of this was about.
***
Leon texting Alex for dinner wasn’t exactly out of the ordinary. They’d been here before, but neither of them were looking to actually get back together, at least not to Alex’s knowledge. They were in a good place now so Alex showed up under the assumption they were just going to hang out, maybe talk about Leon’s day, maybe have a little night cap in Leon’s bed…
Alex had shaved off the offending facial hair and had gotten a trim, though his hair was still getting pretty long. Still, he looked much more put together than usual, despite the crutches he was still walking on and the big boot over his cast.
He smiled broadly at his friend when he saw the man. He leaned down as best he could to kiss Leon chastely on the mouth in greeting, then flopped himself right into the booth across from him.
“Evening pancakes?” he asked, reaching for a menu. “Must be important.”
***
Leon automatically turned his face up to meet Alex's kiss, and then frowned to himself as he did. It wasn't like it had been some sort of passionate make-out session, but he still wondered if it was okay. He didn't just go around kissing any of his other friends.
Besides, he was still in love with Alex. D… probably wouldn't have approved.
Then again, D was fucking weird about things sometimes, and maybe he'd be totally okay with it, and as the thought crossed his mind his thoughtful frown turned into a scowl. For all Leon knew, D would be fine with him taking Alex home and screwing him senseless and would say something like 'Sex is just a natural part of the animal kingdom,' and 'Monogomy isn't found in nature. I, myself, have a dozen regular partners.'
I'm fact, that was probably exactly what D would say, and Leon made a mental note to have a talk with him about how sleeping with other people, even for breeding purposes - especially for breeding purposes - was definitely Not Okay.
He realized only belatedly that Alex was taking to him, and he turned his attention back to him, trying to process what it was that he'd just said.
"Never too late for pancakes," he responded, just a couple seconds too late. He waved a server over, ordered some pancakes and a beer and let Alex place his order, and once that was done he turned back to him.
"So, how's things going with that new guy?" he asked, trying to keep his voice light. "Billy, right?"
***
Alex gave a roll of his eyes. He’d ordered some pancakes for himself with some bacon and sausage links and orange juice. Most often, he didn’t get to eat but once a day and he guessed this was his once.
“There are no things with any new guy,” he admitted grumpily as he shifted his crutches around until they weren’t in the way. It didn’t matter what anyone said to try to make him feel better, Alex still felt the sting of the rejection.
It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about either and he didn’t think that was what they were there to talk about anyway. “How’s things with you?” he asked as their drinks came.
***
"Oh," Leon said, and then, "Sorry about that." That was going to make this… well, a whole lot harder.
"Things are alright," Leon said nonchalantly, picking up his beer and taking a long swig, draining about half the pint before he put the glass down. It was probably better to get this out of the way early.
"Lost a bet though," he muttered, and then slid the envelope he'd prepared toward Alex. "Here." A big part of him didn't want to look at Alex, didn't want to see his expression - if he was relieved or happy, that would hurt, but if he was hurt then that would be even worse - but Leon owed him at least that much, so his gaze didn't leave Alex's face. ***
At first, Alex didn’t understand. Had they made a bet and what for? He’d forgotten and it took him a few seconds to remember. He looked inside. A hundred bucks. If it weren’t a hundred bucks, he would have tossed the envelope at Leon.
As it was, Alex stuffed it into the back pocket of his jeans, then drew in a deep breath. When he blew it back out, it was slow and he rubbed at one of his temples. So it had happened. Finally. It was one thing to know that it would happen, but there had been some weird hope in Alex that he’d been wrong and that Leon really had hated D like he’d promised so many times.
It wasn’t as if Alex and Leon were ever going to get back together that way, but it had never stopped Alex from loving Leon. It hadn’t taken away the fact that, at one point, he’d been prepared to marry Leon. There was just so much between them. There had been the shooting, then Alex had taken off for a few months and had come back and he didn’t think Leon had ever really forgiven him for that. It had hung over their heads even when they’d decided to give it another go. Then there had been D, the constant obsession, like another but bigger wedge between them.
Finally, Alex picked up a few packets of Sweet ‘N Low and tossed them at Leon. Hard. It probably didn’t hurt, but that wasn’t really the point.
***
Leon grimaced as the packs hit him, and then he offered Alex a small, tentative half-smile. "At least you didn't throw your drink at me," he said lightly, and then the smile disappeared.
"Listen, Alex, I'm sorry. I just… I really thought that I didn't…" he rubbed the side of his head. "I never meant to lie to you," he finished lamely. "At the time, I didn't think I was."
***
“Waste of perfectly good orange juice,” Alex moped, sitting back with his arms folded across his chest.
Sorry was the worst thing to hear, but then again, there was nothing that Alex especially wanted to hear about it. Right now, he was just staring at the top of the table, trying to find some answer scribbled somewhere. All he found was still sticky jelly stains.
After a minute, Alex lifted his gaze and unfolded his arms to push his hair away from his eyes. “So are you official now?” he asked. “Like...boyfriends?” God, did they….
No, he wasn’t ready to think about that just yet.
***
Leon frowned, crossing his arms over his chest as he considered Alex's question. D wasn't his boyfriend, and the thought of D being his boyfriend was almost enough to make him laugh - he might've, if it wasn't Alex sitting across from him. Because whatever it was that was between him and D, it wasn't something that could be described as being "boyfriends." The word didn't seem nearly enough to encompass it. Even before he'd admitted that what he felt for D might not be hatred, the idea of not having D in his life was unthinkable and now… now he didn't think he could do it at all. He would chase D down to the ends of the earth if D left; he would never stop searching for him. If D were to die, Leon would surely follow him to the grave, not because Leon had taken his own life but because someone couldn't survive without their heart. If D became immortal because of his dreams, Leon would find a way to join him, even if it meant becoming a vampire or a zombie or something.
He couldn't say any of that to Alex though. He still loved Alex, he would always love Alex, but whatever he felt for Alex was like lake - one of the great lakes, to be sure, like Superior or Erie, but a lake nonetheless - to D's ocean. He didn't know if D felt the same, but he wasn't sure if it would make much of a difference one way or the other. It wasn't something he could ever tell anyone, especially not Alex.
"He's not my boyfriend, no," Leon said after a minute. "But I guess it's pretty official."
***
Oh. Gross.
The food that came to them was suddenly unappetizing.
“Can I get a beer please?” he asked the server who nodded and went to bring one to him. Beer wasn’t enough to numb all of this. One day, Leon might be able to tell Alex everything, but tonight, Alex wasn’t entirely receptive to hearing it. He’d rather just stay in the dark and pretend that it was all a bad dream.
When the beer came, Alex took a few deep swallows before asking his next question. “So what happened?” he asked. “What made you finally admit it?”
The thought of it all made Alex want to down about twenty drinks. If they’d still been together, Leon probably would have just dumped Alex. At least they’d been spared that much.
***
"I had a dream," Leon admitted sheepishly, taking a sip of his beer. "D left in it. Packed up all his animals and just disappeared. And then I woke up and…" and it felt like a part of him had been ripped out of his soul. "And I guess I realized I didn't want him to go," he finished, shrugging.
***
That was usually how it went, that people didn’t understand what they had until it was taken away from them. Alex understood it these days. He was paying for everything. For leaving Leon, for leaving Damon, for existing.
But Leon hadn’t felt that way when Alex had left. So this was real for Leon. This was something entirely out of Alex’s league that he couldn’t touch and that was the part that made his guts twist the most.
Alex took more pulls from his beer, staring off past Leon’s ear at some dusty photo print of a happy family on the wall. If it were replaced with Alex, Leon, and Chris, it might have been them beforehand, but that had all been nothing.
After clearing his throat, all Alex could say was, “This fucking sucks, Leon.”
***
"I know," Leon said, wishing for the first time that Alex had gone off and had fallen for someone else. That would have sucked too, but Leon would have felt less guilty about it.
He laid his hand on the table, palm up, for Alex to take if he wanted to. "I doubt this will help, but I meant what I said before. I'm always going to love you, Alex. And not like brothers or friends or something idiotic like that. Part of me's always going to be in love with you."
***
That both did not help and did at the same time.
“Good,” he said, still annoyed and in no mood to forgive his ex any time soon. “I hope you want my mouth on yours every time you fucking see me.” Because that was what Alex had to live with, too, so it was only fair. It was also a promise he wouldn’t stop coming round and would take great pleasure in the knowledge that maybe Leon hurt, just a little.
***
Leon withdrew his hand from the table, feeling like he probably deserved that. If their positions had been reversed… well, Leon couldn’t guarantee that he’d be handling it half as well as Alex seemed to be. He waved a server over to order another beer, and then glanced at Alex. “You want another?” he asked. It was his treat, after all. Alex might as well drink as much as he wanted, especially since it didn’t look like he was going to touch those pancakes any time soon.
***
Alex nodded sulkily. He knew he was being hard on Leon, but Leon had been hard on him before, too. After they ordered, it didn’t take long for the drinks to start coming and for Alex to fall back into just talking to Leon. It was easy, really. It always had been with Leon. They’d always love each other, they were just that way, and Alex would always have Leon’s back.
“Mate,” said Alex, wiping his mouth free of beer. “I’m just glad you finally admitted it really, as much as it’s for shit. You were about to drive me up a wall. Is he pretty at least?” After all, Alex had never even seen D.
***
Leon flushed a little at the question, not really knowing how to answer. D was D. He was delicate, somehow looking like the slightest breeze would break him even if Leon knew better. He remembered meeting D’s sister in his dreams - identical to D except for her small breasts - and thinking she was one of the most beautiful girls that he’d ever seen. But D… well, D had gotten under Leon’s skin long before he’d ever stopped to consider what he looked like.
After a moment, he nodded. “Yeah, I guess,” he said. “Beautiful, maybe. Not really like a guy - like, I’d say you were hot or handsome or sexy - something along those lines. D’s… got this otherworldliness to him,” he added wondering if he sounded as lame as he felt.
***
Oh, that was just disgusting.
Alex brought his finger to his open mouth and made a gesture by pointing the finger toward his throat and turning his head, making retching sounds.
***
Leon flushed,but he still smiled affectionately at Alex. "I think if you ever meet him, you'll know what I mean," he said,rubbing the side of his head.
***
“God and you’re blushing,” Alex said, utterly disgusted. He’d never made Leon flush like that before. This was a love that was much deeper than Alex could understand and that hurt, too.
Alex tossed a few more packs of Sweet ‘N Low at Leon. “You’re giving me fucking diabetes,” he complained, then downed a few more swallows of beer. After setting the pint down, he said, “But I live with Damon and his boyfriend so I guess if I can put up with their constant goo goo eyes, I can deal with yours.” It was different, though. A lot different. Thomas hadn’t been the source of Alex’s and Damon’s weird non break up and Alex hadn’t loved Damon the way he did Leon.
***
Leon recoiled like he'd been slapped, and stared at Alex for a moment with something that might have been a hurt betrayal. He hadn't known that Alex was living with Damon, and there were a million questions that he wanted to ask, like how long they'd been living together, and why, and why hadn't Leon known, and were they…
But he bit his tongue, stopping himself from asking and instead chugged back the rest of his current pint to stop himself from asking. When he put down the pint glass and gestured for another one, his hurt look had been replaced by resignation. It wasn't like he had any right to be upset, not anymore.
"I don't have goo-goo eyes," he muttered instead. "D's still a pain in my a-" realizing that could be taken the wrong way, he quickly switched his wording, "neck."
***
“Oh my god,” Alex groaned, clutching his stomach at the start of Leon’s statement. Before that, he hadn’t even thought about that.
“Do you guys…”
Alex sat forward and whispered, “Have you two fucked yet?”
He didn’t want to know, but he needed to know. Was D better than him? Was he…otherworldly in bed? God.
***
Leon turned red, wishing now that he hadn’t finished his pint glass over the news about Damon. “Not that it’s any of your business,” Leon said pointedly, “but no, not yet. It’s still really new, Alex. You’re the first person I told.” Chris probably knew something was up, given that Leon had started spending nights sleeping next to D, but he hadn’t exactly sat down with his brother about it yet. He didn’t really know how to broach the topic, and figured that Chris was smart enough to figure it out on his own.
***
As if Alex cared if it was his business or not. There was no relief either way, but it did take a little of the pain away that he was the first one Leon had told about any of this. It was shitty, but at least Leon thought that highly of him.
“Are you, you know, happy?” Alex’s next quest. He didn’t know what would hurt worse: If Leon was, or if Leon wasn’t, all without Alex, and all with D.
***
Two months ago, nearly to the day, Alex had asked Leon the same question, and Leon had answered then that he didn't think he was cut out for happiness. But now, Leon considered the question again. He thought of D, and what a royal pain in the ass he was, how he criticized Leon's drinking and his smoking and his delicious, delicious burgers. How he complained about the way Leon lived and how he kept his dirty socks in the sink and had demanded Chris go live with him instead. He thought of how he knew, with the same certainty that he knew his eyes were blue, that the D in his dreams was a murderer, and how he suspected the same might be true here. He thought of D keeping secrets from him,even when he'd thought they were connecting, and he thought of the look in D's eyes when Leon brought him a particularly well-made dessert or the way he complained when he broke a nail, or how Leon had felt when D had opened the door in the middle of the night just three nights ago, annoyed but there and Leon's lips curled into a small smile.
"Yeah, I think I am," he said after a moment.
***
Alex had no right to be jealous, but he was. Very jealous. Jealous that it could never be him that had made Leon happy. Jealous that it wasn’t him in Leon’s bed. Jealous that he himself wasn’t happy.
It wasn’t surprising that Leon was happy. Leon looked happy. He looked bloody fantastic, in fact.
“Well, that’s shit for me,” Alex said before he accepted another pint from their server and took a few swigs from it. He’d need at least four of these before they left. God, he didn’t want to sound like the bitter ex either because that just made everything a thousand times more lame.
But Alex was hurt and he wasn’t going to pretend he wasn’t just to save face. The foam from the pint didn’t help. It stuck to the tip of Alex’s nose when he set the pint down. He felt it, but took a few seconds to wipe it away. “But I guess, since you’re happy, I can learn to be happy for you,” he concluded. He’d have to, if he was going to stay part of Leon’s life.
***
Leon frowned as he looked at Alex, biting his lip,his brow furrowed, wishing he knew what he could say to make things better. But then, in a situation like this, he didn't think there was anything he could say that would make things better. The words simply didn't exist.
"I want you to be happy too," he said, after a moment. "More than just about anyone. You deserve it more than anyone else I know."
***
Alex couldn’t help but think maybe he was the one who wasn’t cut out for happiness, but that sounded so self pitying that he didn’t want to even think about it.
And so Alex picked up another pack of Sweet ‘N Low, the very last one, and tossed it at Leon. Alex smiled. “Now I’m happy,” he assured.