Anna of Arendelle wants to do the next right thing (pleaseletmein) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2020-07-05 19:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, anna of arendelle, elsa of arendelle |
Who: Anna and Elsa
What: Reuniting and apologies
When: 27 June
Where: Arendelle house
Warnings: Feels
Status: Log | Complete
Elsa was nervous. What if Anna hated her? She wouldn’t blame her for it, after all she’d pretty much acted like she hadn’t existed.
But she thought about her constantly, even before the dreams. But especially after. And yet she hadn’t been able to call her because she was a coward and how did she even begin to explain when the original reasons were so murky.
But as she looked up at the house, she did realize that she couldn’t recall the last time it had felt like home, and she felt a bit better living in her condo, even if a part of her wouldn’t mind rooming with her sister.
Easier to fix things if they always saw each other, right?
She had her hair loose, and wore jeans and a pride shirt because hiding who she was was not… who she was anymore.
And then she knocked and held her breath and waited.
Anna wasn’t sure what to think about Elsa’s surprise appearance - well okay, so it was her appearance that was a surprise since Elsa had been back for years apparently - and especially she didn’t know what to expect with the fact her sister was going to come over and talk. They didn’t do that. Elsa had never wanted to no matter how often Anna had tried to reach out to her sister before she went to school in London.
She should be excited, right? For the first time in forever, she was getting the chance to talk with Elsa like she’d always wanted. But after over seventeen years of the bare minimum when there was no way around it? Well….Anna was expecting this to not end up happening at all.
Which wasn’t fair! Elsa said she wanted to talk and if Elsa said it, then she should give her sister the benefit of the doubt…..
And she just really wanted to talk even if she was preparing for it to go badly or well, more likely, not at all.
So the redhead had ended up waking up early, too anxious to sleep and had done yoga, showered and was definitely not pacing in the front hallway. Nope. So not what she was doing. The knock on the door caused Anna to jump and then let out a breath.
“You got this, Anna. Don’t overwhelm her. Don’t expect anything. Don’t….” She really hated the word don’t. But mostly she just didn’t want her heart to break all over again when Elsa up and left. But right. Answering the door.
“Hi!” Automatic response was to hug her sister. And she actually had to stop herself from that because there was so much there that had been lost in the years of isolation. “You look good. Like really good. Um right, come in. Though I mean it’s also your house so it’s not like you need my permission or anything. Wow that was a lot of words. Right.”
Shutting up and letting Elsa in before she instead scared her sister off and things went right back to how they used to be.
It would be fair to assume that Elsa would back out, considering their history. Anna didn't know, about the dreams, or even the things Elsa had been told (and assumed) that had made her want to stay away. To say nothing of still blaming herself for Anna being hurt and sick, and all that came with it.
Logically she knew it wasn't her fault, but it had felt like that for so long.
Elsa nearly went in for the hug herself, stopping after a few inches of moving forward and then awkwardly tucking some hair behind her ear. "Hi."
She could have let herself in, Elsa realized. Oh that had been really smart of her. Anna looked so good though, even if she hadn't seen her in years, setting the dreams aside. Elsa had missed that smile.
"I meant to pick up some coffee but I got a little distracted."
Well this was going great. Though Anna admittedly didn’t know how it was going to go. That was why Elsa was over, right? So they could talk and things could be better? That was the feeling she’d gotten from the conversation the evening before on the network.
With her sister inside, Anna closed the door and shook her head,
“That’s okay. I can make us some.”
Elsa nodded. She could probably guess how much cream and sugar Anna would put into her coffee, too, but wanted to wait and see. “That would be nice, thank you. I left the Keurig behind, for days when I needed or wanted to stay here. Though I spend more time at my condo or my girlfriend’s place.”
Just casually dropping in the girlfriend thing.
Then there was just the matter of what to tell Anna, at least with regards to Orange County, dreams and her powers.
But that could probably wait until after they covered the more important things. “I’m sorry you couldn’t get back sooner. Uhm. With the snow and the fog and everything.”
There were going to be a lot of ‘i’m sorrys’ today, she could feel it.
Nodding, Anna had turned to the kitchen and nearly missed a step at the casual dropping of the term girlfriend. She had noticed the pride shirt but hadn’t put too much thought into it because she was more focused on the fact that Elsa was actually there and hadn’t decided not to show up after all. And it wasn’t even a missed step of disapproval. It was just a reminder of how much the two had missed that Anna hadn’t even known that her sister liked women in such a way, let alone that she had a girlfriend.
“Well, it’s going to be put to good use!”
Smiling over her shoulder because she was so desperate for this conversation to go well, the redhead went to start coffee. Though she did have to look at Elsa in confusion at apologising for not being able to get back sooner.
“It’s okay. I mean, it was weird, but it’s not like you can control the weather or anything. Things just happen sometimes. And well, I’m here now.” So really, it wasn’t that big a deal. Sure unexpectedly having to stay in Los Angeles for two nights but again, not the worst thing to happen.
She could, in fact, control the weather. At least in some ways. Ice and snow, yes, but somehow the other elements were tied into that. Elsa thought that that made sense; blizzards needed wind and water, she could raise temperatures as well as make things colder, and an understanding of the earth was necessary to be able to build solid foundations.
So maybe not so much control as knowledge.
“I’m.. I’m glad you’re here.” Elsa wished she’d called, but why should she expect that? If anything she was surprised Anna wasn’t really angry at her. Rubbing her arm, she added, “Don’t quite know where to start, except I’m sorry. For a lot of things.”
There were a lot of emotions Anna was feeling. Hurt. Confused. Maybe some anger. But part of her was still the six year old wondering why her sister was suddenly so distant from her. The not yet eighteen year old who had to handle a funeral all on her own and grew up way too fast in that moment after being homeschooled her entire life because of her health. The one who was desperate for her sister even knowing it always led to heartache. Wishing only wounds the heart after all and yet Anna kept wishing and hoping and believing.
Maybe she just was a masochist.
So she nodded at the comment on Elsa being glad she was there, not trusting herself to inadvertently make Elsa leave by asking if she really meant it.
“I guess the beginning is a good place to start…” So what, it was a Sound of Music reference. “Though I guess I’m sorry works, too.”
Elsa wasn't an empath, but she could make out some of the face journey that Anna was going through and it took a herculean effort to not wallow in her own guilt. Anna deserved the truth, and so much more besides. And Elsa wanted to do the right thing for Anna, as long as she was able to.
"It was my fault, that you got hurt," Elsa blurted, starting right at the beginning as requested. "Originally I mean. We were playing and I wasn't paying attention and then you fell and got hurt, and everyone was freaking out. And dad was like, ‘Elsa you were supposed to be watching her’ and I kind of internalized that."
Elsa, what have you done?! That dream had been just as horrible as the real thing.
She rubbed her arm, "I didn't want to hurt you again. Which is ... I did anyway. I know."
“.....Elsa, that was seventeen years ago. You were nine, do you honestly think I wouldn’t have kept climbing no matter what?” Because of all the things her sister could have said, she seemed to think it was her fault for being a nine year old with a very reckless younger sister who liked to climb as high as she could? “Kids get hurt. It’s kind of a thing.”
She could see why the adults would panic but…..that was…. Anna didn’t know.
“Right….”
"I mean, you're not wrong." Elsa smiled, her eyes sad. "But then I had anxiety issues. And the longer it went on, the more anxious I got. And it was so hard to move to London for my degree because of that. I still should have at least texted you or something. More than the occasional happy birthday, anyway."
She chewed on her lip, waiting for Anna to yell at her. Elsa deserved that, and she had so many regrets, from the ghosting, to not even being there when their parents died.
That one she knew hurt, no matter her conflicted feelings on them. “None of this is an excuse. Just an explanation.”
Elsa had anxiety issues and Anna had abandonment issues. Which could lead to reckless stupid decisions. Luckily nothing had come from that but it was always a risk. Instead she just shrugged. Because well, it might have been an explanation but it was still 17 years of being ignored by her sister because of a childhood accident that was no one’s fault no matter what Elsa believed.
Instead, Anna just handed Elsa a cup of coffee before taking a drink of her own before scrunching her nose up.
“Ow!” Right. Let coffee cool. Don’t drink it quickly because you’re stuck in emotions and trying to avoid saying something because you don’t know what to say and it’s better than word vomit.
“Thank you,” Elsa said, blowing on her coffee with perhaps more emphasis than necessary. When Anna burned herself on her coffee, Elsa did what came naturally; she twirled her right hand, making the mug briefly frost over before the ice misted away. Just enough to cool it down, but not enough that it wasn’t still warm.
And only then did she realize what she’d done in front of her sister, who has absolutely no idea of magic or Dreams or any of that.
“Oh, the AC in this house is brand new and very effective, isn’t it?” Elsa laughed nervously.
Well that was...unexpected. Because there was no way the mug had just...Did she just see that??? Looking between where Elsa had twirled her hand and the mug and back at Elsa who was laughing nervously and lying and…. It was one thing to not know things because Elsa had just….vanished and never reached out. But for her to keep a secret? And it was very clear that she was keeping a secret despite saying she wanted to talk. So was that how it was going to be? Obvious lies and secrets all while saying she wanted to talk and clear the air.
“......Yeah. Effective….” The problem was, Anna was never that good at hiding her emotions. Where Elsa kept them in, Anna felt them all and was honest with them. And as much as she wanted to bridge the gap that was there with Elsa, she didn’t know if it was possible. Not if Elsa was going to keep something major from her.
Like...whatever it was that had just happened. There was no way it should be possible. Sure, Anna had seen talk of dreams and magic on the network (she had checked it while anxiously waiting to see if Elsa would actually show up) but that didn’t mean….did it?
Elsa looked down into her coffee cup, as though the liquid was very, very interesting all of a sudden. As if it had answers to the questions she had, or explanations that were easier than trying to put them to words. Her face scrunched up, as though she were wrestling with something. Anna's emotions were on her sleeve and Elsa hated the idea of making this worse.
But what if Anna didn't accept her, or understand, or believe?
"I'm not a very good liar," she admitted, after a moment more of that wrestling and remembering how quickly Anna had been in her corner after the coronation incident. "But I don't know how to explain that in any way that doesn't make me sound like I should be committed."
No, you just disappear and say nothing for seventeen years. The pain was still there but Anna didn’t say it. Of course not. That would make things bad and they both wanted to make things better. But they couldn’t if there were lies and secrets. It didn’t work that way. And Anna didn’t want it to work that way, where lies and secrets could still exist and be fine while building a relationship nearly from scratch.
“Well, I was in New York for four years. That’s pretty weird.” Sighing, the red head just took a drink of her coffee and shrugged, “I don’t know. Just tell me. Stop hiding because of how things sound or seem. I can take a lot, you know. I don’t need to be protected or whatever.”
And well...it wasn’t like Anna would be able to deny an actual demonstration, no matter how weird it sounded.
"I wonder if New York is as weird as London," Elsa mused. "Then again, except for when my roommate dragged me out, I didn't spend much time not studying."
Let Elsa focus on work or school and that was all she'd do. Even in her dreams she was a work-a-holic who often needed Anna to drag her away from her desk. Though she'd gotten better at that after awhile.
"Okay." Elsa sighed, and rested her hands palm first on the table. "There's some kind of phenomena in Orange County that causes people to dream of other lives. In mine, I'm born with magic."
As she spoke, it started to snow inside the kitchen, swirls of magical light spinning around. And on the table, little snow people and animals began to run around and play together. "And one day, I woke up from a dream and my bedroom resembled the arctic."
“I think they’re both their own brand of weird.” Anna had spent a year travelling before going to NYU and London had been on that list. She’d been so interested in learning different cultures and seeing the places she had read about in books. How could she not have gone to London?
But at least Elsa seemed willing to actually talk to her and tell her whatever secret she was keeping. Which….honestly sounded a bit like a lie. But she could see that her sister wasn’t lying. And not just because it was snowing inside the kitchen.
Even so, Anna’s eyes widened in shock and wonderment as she held her palm up and caught some snowflakes in it, spinning and twisting to follow the magic light and see the dancing snow people on the table.
“Elsa...this is amazing…”
She almost heard that in a five year old's voice, but that didn't make her relieved smile falter. "I'm really glad you think so. Because it's so hard to explain without showing and sometimes people tell someone about these things and it ruins everything."
Blinked at the comment because she couldn’t see how it would ruin things if people knew. It was...magic. And amazing. But then again, she had studied sociology. She saw the way people treated those who were different throughout different cultures from travelling and then studying. But it wasn’t right and it was something she really did wish would change. So she just nodded some, still entranced by the snow and magic and realness of it all.
"So, like..." Elsa waved her hand and the magic slowly started to fade away, "I know I can't make up for everything. But I want to try. You deserve so much more than I've given you."
She'd thought this part would be hard, but it turned out to be really easy. Which she supposed was growth all things considered. There were a dozen times she wished she'd called her sister. The aftermath of the kidnapping might have been easier to deal with, for one. But their parents accident, and everything else.
And she wished she could have been there for Anna too. She wondered if she'd missed things like first dates. First crushes probably.
Hopefully not marrying any men she'd just met, anyway.
Anna nodded some. It was a lot to take in. Honestly, the magic was easier to accept than Elsa wanting to make an actual attempt at some sort of relationship between them. To try and mend the years of nothing. Of Anna always trying to get Elsa’s attention and then nothing and the constant heartbreak from it.
“....I want that, too.”
Part of her was scared to open herself up to Elsa only to get her heart broken again. But who was she kidding? Anna was always going to put herself out there and she was always going to take whatever crumb of affection or sign that Elsa would want to try. Her head said to be wary but Anna didn’t listen to her head all that often. Not when it came to her heart at any rate.
This wasn't going to be easy. Obviously. Elsa hadn't expected to be, even if she'd hoped it would. You couldn't undo years of neglect in a day. She didn't even know how Anna felt about their parents, and Elsa's own conflict was something she needed to figure out herself anyway.
But this was a start. "Can I ... do you ... want a hug?"
All they could do was start somewhere, and this was it. At the question about a hug? Anna just let out a breath and nodded, since she’d been having to hold her back even knowing that it would be too much. Even knowing she was setting herseful up for pain. So Elsa asking about a hug meant that was one less thing to worry about.
“Yes. Yes I do.” And quickly hugged Elsa because once the opening was there? Anna wasn’t about to wait.
Elsa wrapped her arms around Anna, squeezing the stuffing out of her. When she was comfortable enough to hug someone, she really went for it, and Anna deserved the full Elsa hug.
She should have listened to Omza and called Anna sooner.
Still holding her, she worried a little bit about Anna's health, but didn't think she was allowed to ask. It was enough to have this.
"I need to get you a key to my condo so you can visit. And you need to meet my rats. And my cat. And my fire salamander." And the Nokk, "And my girlfriend." Elsa winced, "But that's probably a lot at once, isn't it."
Or maybe she should just move back into the house since that would save a bit of money, even if money wasn't much of a concern for her. Between the family fortune and the money she'd made designing some very prominent buildings…
Tight hugs were definitely unexpected. That was something Anna would typically do. Well. In theory. She was rather touch starved and while their parents had done their best to be there for her, there wasn’t a lot of physical contact between hospital stays and just life.
“It’s okay….except I can’t breathe.”
She loved her sister. But her sister was sort of squeezing the breath out of her and Anna kind of needed to breathe. So she was a bit more preoccupied about that and not so much all the people and pets she was going to have to meet.
"What?" Elsa let go, grabbing Anna by the upper arms, "Are you alright? Oh god I forgot about your health!"
There wasn’t really a lot of time to process things because suddenly Elsa was panicking about… her health? What? Oh right. It made sense but shook her head quickly, “No no! You were just hugging me really tight! I promise, I’m okay! See!”
“Oh.” Elsa sucked her lip into her mouth, then exhaled. “Okay. Okay. I guess I got a little excited.”
Still, she looked her over with a critical eye and once she was sure she really was okay she remembered how to breath again. “Which is probably not something you’d expect to hear from me. I’ve been through a lot.”
As much as Anna knew she was fine, she figured that it would calm Elsa’s nerves if she was able to see for herself that yes, the redhead was fine. So she just let her sister calm down and nodded some. Because really. Elsa being the one to get excited.
“Definitely not something I’d expect to hear. But I can see.”
They were going to have to relearn each other, which was fine. The tricky thing was going to be the dreams. If Anna dreamed, it was going to dredge up a lot of these feelings and she hoped she’d try to talk to her about it.
Was that a secret? Should she keep it from Anna? Elsa chewed on her lip then said, “Remember how I said I woke up from a dream with magic? You’re in those dreams too. There’s a good chance you’ll experience them. Not the magic part, but everything else that happened because of the magic.”
Blinked at the comment that she showed up in the Dreams, “I mean, I guess that makes sense, sisters and all. But okay. Chance I’ll start having Dreams and not get magic but see it. Good to know.” She thought. It was hard to say. The Dream thing was still kind of hard to wrap her head around. But Elsa’s powers made it, while not easier, at least something with physical proof that couldn’t otherwise be explained away.
“I’m trying not to keep secrets,” Elsa said. “So yeah. That’s kind of a thing. I just don’t know how to explain everything without you actually experiencing it. But I’ll try if you want me to.”
Nodded some. “That’s fair…” And it was. Yes, Anna wanted to know what was going on, yes, Anna was tired of secrets. But how could she even know what would or would not be a secret? How would she know what to even ask or if, despite all claims of not wanting to keep secrets, Elsa wouldn’t do so if Anna didn’t ask specific questions? “It’s okay. I’ll just wait and see what happens and ask you questions if I have them.”
Or if she needed to or it was too much or well...anything.
“Okay, that’s fair,” Elsa nodded. “I’ll try to answer anything I can when it comes up.”
She rubbed her palms on the table, and tried to lighten the mood, “Do you want ice cream?” Ice cream and more mundane catching up sounded great.
Lightening the mood was a good thing after what had been revealed. It wasn’t everything and there was still a lot there. But the door was finally open for them to try and that was enough for Anna right then. “Ice cream sounds great.”