Damon Salvatore is complicated. (flipstheswitch) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2020-04-29 22:25:00 |
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Entry tags: | alex, damon salvatore, thomas raith |
WHO: Damon, Thomas, and Alex
WHAT: Alex is sixteen
WHERE: Damon’s
WHEN: April Fools’
RATING: Medium
Damon had said Alex was cute. Like cute enough for cheek pinching. Damon was about to discover that Alex didn’t have much cheek fat to pinch when he was a kid. As a teenager, Alex was underweight with bruises on his stickly arms, pimples on his face, and sunken cheeks. He walked into Damon’s bar wearing his regular clothes that were at least three sizes too big on him; the jeans that usually fit him tight were being held up by a belt he’d had to pull twice around himself and cinch into a knot. They hung dangerously low on his hips and he hiked them up as he walked in and moved to kiss Damon on the cheek. Damon was always taller than him, but now it felt like Damon was even taller.
“Shut up,” he said in a raspy tone that could only belong to a kid who was strung out and needed another hit. Notably, the accent had returned to a rural California street accent. There were habits that Alex wasn’t proud of and didn’t want to fall back on so he was restless, moving around with quick gestures. “I’m fucking starving,” he announced, going immediately to seek out food. It was an old habit that he couldn’t fight. The truth was, he was very literally starving and his body had fallen back into that mode. His parents never fed him and it would often be a week or so before he could find a sandwich his dad hadn’t finished or the remains of cereal somewhere.
****
“I don’t think you are old enough to be in a bar.” Damon laughed, wrapping arms around him, fingers in hair for a minute before following him into the kitchen. “Damn, do you ever eat?” He couldn’t help but notice the baggy clothes. Alex was always thin, but he was really thin. It looked painful. Was this him as a teen? Really? It made him wonder. Alex had told him that it was a rough time, but he hadn’t really suspected or pictured a lot of it.
“Let’s make something.” There weren’t many on staff yet. The early hours were all business, mostly supply trucks and bills. He had a modest menu at Purgatory, not really for dinners, but for tasty snacks that promoted more liquor sales. He had a walk in for meats and cold foods, and a clean grill to cook on. “Burgers? Sandwiches? I might have some chocolate milk.” Okay, he had to tease a little. “We could make some pasta. That’s Enzo’s bit. What are you feeling like?”
***
Alex let out a hum at Damon’s fingers in his hair. Even at this age, there was nothing quite so delicious as that. It hadn’t occurred to him that he might have been high just then, but it might have if he’d seen his own actions.
“I might have some chocolate milk,” he mocked as he followed Damon, slipping his arms around the man’s torso from behind. He sighed and leaned his cheek between Damon’s shoulder blades, his lips turned upwards, content for the moment. “All of it,” he said in his not yet a man tone. If Damon wanted to know anything, this was it. This was the boy who had a pocket full of dope, ready for quick sales. This was the boy who’d lived out on the streets and had been behind bars for something other than murder.
“Burger pasta,” he decided, but didn’t move from his comfortable position.
***
Damon shook his head. “Is that even a thing? How about pasta on a burger? Or we could try burger pasta.” He wasn’t sure how, but maybe turn the pasta into a burger, bread it, and deep fry. Maybe that would work. “Let’s do this.”
He found the pasta, along with some sauce. “Enzo’s momma would be really proud, or she’d think I was committing some sort of blasphemy. This could go either way.” His eyes were on Alex the entire time, curious about how he was as a boy. He’d heard little bits.
“How are you so thin?” he asked. “What were you doing?” Or not doing might be the bigger question.
***
Alex released Damon and helped him in the kitchen. By this age, he knew how to make a few things for himself that would carry him into adulthood. Leon had hated the way Alex ate and had never bothered to ask where he’d learned it or why.
He gave a shrug as he ran water into a pot. “My parents weren’t exactly homemakers,” he answered. “If they had food for themselves in the house, I might find half a banana or some chip crumbs. I’d go down to the supermarket and dig out food from their dumpster. Some mac n cheese or whatever. Oh!”
Distracted by his own talking, Alex had almost overfilled the pot and had to tip some of the water out before he brought it to the stove and put some oil in. “What was I doing?” he grinned as he flipped the stove on to start the water to boil. “At sixteen? Hmmmm….” Alex looked down at his arms. A few bruises and cuts, but not as bad as they were a couple of years before.. His hands looked dry and his nails looked unkempt. There were some oil stains, reminding him he should have washed his hands. “I think at this point I’d started working at a garage. I’d been selling dope before that.” Damon at least knew that much.
***
“What did they do?” Damon asked as the water heated. “Did they start okay then change or were they always the same way when it came to being parents?” He had known bits and pieces, when Alex chose to talk. He knew that he didn’t come from a great family. Damon’s was a lot different. Stefan was the favorite, but they had food, money, love even. He didn’t have to survive the streets. Alex would have been a dream to most of the girls he knew if he would have had a normal life. Here they were though.
When the water started to bubble, he dropped in the pasta. “Not too much. I don’t want it to turn into paste when it’s fried.” He walked to the fridge and picked out some cheese. He didn’t have to eat anymore but he enjoyed it. Now he felt a little guilty when Alex hadn’t had enough.
“Why did you start selling? What else did you do?” He wasn’t judging either, not in tone or the look in his eyes. He was just curious.
****
“Besides sell dope?” Alex offered, then gave a shrug. “I think my dad painted houses sometimes.” But there was a reason Alex had lived in cheap no-tell motels as a kid where the pools were either empty or full of green-brown water.
Alex watched Damon’s hands as the man put the pasta into the pot. Suddenly, he hated being a damn kid, mostly because he felt like one and had his hands on the counter as he bounced on the balls of his feet, excited for dinner.
“My parents started me when I was fourteen, I think,” he said. “Maybe fifteen. I know I had just started high school. I was damn good at it, too. Who’d suspect?” As for what else he did, Alex had somewhat answered, but he went on, “I just went to school and hung out with friends. Pretty normal for that part.” Even though his friends had been of the dope selling, homeless variety. “Around this age is when I started working at the garage. Got tired of going to jail and wanted to not end up like my parents. What about you? What were you like as a kid?” It was something Alex had never even thought to ask. That Damon had even been a kid once was hard to picture.
***
Alex was selling drugs for his parents, or running them or whatever it was. While Damon had twists in his own moral compass, he’d never do that to his kid - ever. “So you do things to make up for it - like medicine.” He kind of knew that also. There was a question on the tip of his tongue, decidedly darker. He held it for a minute while answering Alex.
“I was pretty normal. I went to school, played soccer in high school. Stefan played football. I knew all the best parties, was pretty popular - the girls all knew me. I did all the things I was supposed to do. I went to parties, went to prom, went to college. Stefan was the angel, and I was the party boy.” He shrugged, stirring the pot. “I wish I could give you something better, but that was it.”
He left the pot to boil for another minute. “Were you abused?” he asked suddenly. Not just physical - which he was pretty sure he was. He wanted to know why Alex was bent on so much destruction, or why he didn’t really want love as much as he wanted to win, or maybe why he wanted a controlled situation, not a raging inferno. Perhaps in that way, boring was appealing, and Leon definitely fit that bill.
***
Alex was trying to picture Damon in a soccer uniform and it was all too amusing until it wasn’t after Damon flipped it all and asked him that question. It stunned Alex in ways he didn’t fully understand. No one had ever asked him something like that before. Sure, there were teachers who sometimes showed concern and he was sure that his parents had been visited by CPS a time or two, but if there was one thing his parents were good at, it was manipulation.
But for everything his parents did, or in Alex’s case, didn’t do, Alex had never gone against them. The reason was the same as the answer to Damon’s question, though it took a while for Alex to find the words for it. Just like Alex couldn’t fathom that Damon had ever been a child, Alex couldn’t fathom it for himself either. Trying to fit together memories was like searching for a light switch in the dark.
“I don’t know,” Alex said at length as he stared into the boiling pot of pasta and idly stirred. “I think they’d have to give a fuck in the first place to have abused me.” Why they even kept him was beyond his own understanding. Alex didn’t know any other family and so his parents were all he had and they had to have loved him at some point. They had to have fed him and kept him alive. But that was about all they did until he could walk and find his own food. “They never hit me or nothin’ if that’s what you’re asking.”
***
Damon studied him, then had to take out the pasta into the strainer. He put it into a bowl, and added a thick sauce and cheese to make it sticky. He pulled on some gloves, and gave some to Alex. He might have looked like he knew what he was doing. He was improvising, much like he tended to do in life.
So it wasn’t abuse. Neglect definitely. He laid down some wax paper and put together a quick flour mixture with some crumbs and added a few spices. “Okay. Get some pasta together like a burger and dip in the mix.” He made three himself.
“So why are you so afraid of someone loving you - actually loving you, and wanting you there every day? Is it because one day they won’t? Kill it before it happens, take something less so it won’t matter when they go away?”
***
“Do we have to have this conversation while we’re making burger pasta together?” Alex complained. It would have been much better to just watch as Damon skillfully put together ingredients that should never go logically together. In some ways, Alex thought it looked symbolic, but he hushed those thoughts to a dull roar.
He pulled on another pair of gloves and set to making his pasta burger. This was fucking weird. Pasta burgers. That part at least, was a good time.
“I guess I’m just….” he started, but paused to clear his throat and tried to piece his words together a little better. “Everyone leaves,” he said more simply. “They’re either never there or they leave.” Did Damon need examples? They could start with Leon. Safe, safe Leon who never loved Alex and who Alex knew would leave. Oh, Alex had tried to leave first, but in the end, it was Leon who took off. Then, more recently, there was Pogue and Lucifer. Everyone left. His parents, his friends, and everyone else. For him, it was only a matter of time before Damon left and everyone always left when Alex got close to them. It was better to keep them at arm’s length.
***
Thomas was starting to come around to the fact that he really did need to start the groundwork for leaving his film career. It was the right time for it. He was at the top and honestly after Byron what role could he possibly enjoy more? The only problem was how to keep busy and keep earning money for his toys? Hunger hitting him as he came through the doors had him heading for the kitchen, planning on getting some blood and grinning as he heard familiar voices. Food and company. He paused at the door when he heard Alex's comment, hesitating a moment before going the rest of the way in.
"...I'm guessing Orange County insanity at it's finest." Was all he said as he took in his friend's appearance, coming up beside him to give him a brief hug before going to get his blood. He stopped long enough to lean against Damon for a moment before moving to the counter. "What's this about people leaving?" He'd heard more of what had been said but he didn't want Alex to think he'd been eavesdropping on the way in. Although he had kind of.
***
Damon had never had Thomas and Alex in the same room this close to each other, and it was different, but in a good way. He relaxed when the other vampire entered, much to his own surprise. He smiled at him. “You are in time for lunch, not just the bagged variety. I am busy with a new culinary sensation. The pasta burger. If it works, it could be on the menu.” Huge maybe. He figured it would be more food truck fare.
He looked across to Alex, taking the breaded burgers on a plate to the deep fryer. “I was there and didn’t leave. Never did, even now.” Alex didn’t love him like that, but Thomas did. That was the difference. Why always choose the lesser when you could have the greater? Damon had made the better choice, and seeing them together was that affirmation.
“It’s okay though,” he said. “We still have burgers. Cheesy pasta burgers.”
***
Had Alex known Damon thought so low of him, he would have been the one to leave. But Alex remained blissfully unaware of Damon’s inner monologue and he smiled when Thomas came in and leaned against the door that way.
The smile faded, though, as Damon reminded him of how shitty he was. Again. It was their dynamic. They got on fine, but Damon never let go and never let Alex forget.
He didn’t answer Thomas’ question as to who was leaving since he was sure Damon would do a good job of it. When it was Damon and Alex, Damon had told him how much Sam had hurt him and he was sure Thomas heard all about Alex, too, along with Sam and whatever that girl’s name was.
“At least I didn’t get turned into a girl,” he mumbled, moving away from where Damon was working. In a way, Damon reminded Alex of his mother. His mother who reminded him how he’d ruined her life simply by being born. And now Alex did want to leave. He didn’t belong here. What good would it do, though? It would just give more fuel to the simmering fire that was always under his and Damon’s feet.
***
Thomas frowned at Damon when he felt the shift in the tension of the room but he knew there were certain things better left alone at times. Later though...later he'd see if he couldn't bring it up if he saw an opening. "Pasta burgers? Deep fried...pasta burgers. Enzo would probably want to murder you if he knew what you were doing." Thomas teased him. "So what's the alternative for me if not only allowed my bag lunch?"
He held out a hand to Alex, inviting him to come join him where they could watch Damon cook. "I'm not sure the world could survive you turning into a girl. It would be the hair. No one could compete with it is my bet. I'm just glad I didn't wake up younger. No one would like teenage Thomas under foot."
***
Alex didn’t know what Damon thought, nor would Damon let him know, but it was based on that undercurrent of hurt and damaged trust. That was what Thomas knew. Tape and glue didn’t fix the broken piece. Even if Alex’s ex came back, Alex would be waiting for him to leave again - always. It would always remain broken, and the cracks would only hold so well. When it came to the ex-lovers, Thomas knew more about Alex, than the other two, although he knew about Sam too, and Elena in parts especially from the dreams. While Damon could forgive, he never forgot, and never stopped torturing himself in a vicious cycle. Letting go to be hurt again wasn’t something he could do.
“I turned into a girl. I looked like a fucking porn star, but I didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. Nothing. I didn’t realize I was so wrapped up in being a man until I wasn’t a man.” Three minutes in the fryer was enough to get a nice coating on the outside, but he had no clue how they would taste.
He stopped next to Thomas on his way to get plates. “Get some blood, and then some food. Then another blood shot and you should be good for a bit.” His hand was on the man’s waist and his head close. His eyes were apologetic, even if he had done nothing.
***
Thank Christ for Thomas. They’d become friends. Alex was more comfortable around Thomas than most and trusted him more than most. Now he even trusted Thomas more than he’d trusted Pogue who’d even flown them through the air.
Alex took Thomas’ hand and stepped in against him, leaning his head against the man’s broad shoulder, the smile back on his face, his eyes falling shut. He could feel Damon edging closer, but he didn’t move, instead putting his free arm around Damon.
“Just out of curiosity,” he started, eyes opening to look between them. “What would happen if I gave some of my blood?” It wasn’t casual. He was curious. More than curious. There was something about their energy that made him want to know more. “Like, if I cut myself and gave you some?”
***
Thomas wrapped an arm loosely around Alex, giving what comfort he could while keeping his ability wrapped tight. "I wish I could have seen pictures of that." Thomas told him, trying to imagine Damon as a woman based off that description. He could just about imagine the type of reaction he would have gotten if he had gone out. "I'd probably want to stay inside too if I woke up a woman one day." He leaned his head in towards Damon as the man came close, listening to what he said and took advantage to kiss his cheek lightly before nodding. He wasn't upset and there was nothing he thought Damon needed to apologize to him about.
"The cravings aren't too bad today. Just not too sure I want to try a pasta burger. ...And no Winie will not be given the leftovers. She doesn't need fried food. I don't want to be up with her and an upset stomach all night. Worse than me when I would get hungover I swear."
He looked over at Damon when he heard Alex's question, one brow raised. That wasn't something he'd ever been expecting to hear. "You wouldn't find yourself turning into a vampire for one. I'm not sure beyond that. Other than I'd need you to find a bandage quickly after."
***
Damon turned the sea-blue gaze on Alex. “No. You wouldn’t be a vampire. To become a vampire, you’d have to drink our blood and die with it in your system.” He actually wasn’t sure if that was true about Thomas. He knew that was how he turned and he’d turned a few in dreams. “Blood sharing is personal, very personal. With a stranger it’s kind of like a back room fuck that you’ll never see again, but someone who’s close - ? It’s intimacy magnified.” He shook his head a little annoyed that Alex never offered it to him even though he knew Damon wanted to. Would Alex ask if it wasn’t for Thomas?
He reached back and took the burgers up. “Doing it from the wrist doesn’t do it for me.” Given their history and all of those things that ran under the surface, it would be like giving an alcoholic a single drop of whiskey.
He pulled back and went to check the burgers. He dumped them on a plate to cool and searched for the buns. He was also checking the anger.
***
What Damon didn’t know and probably never thought of was that Alex would have, eventually, just because he didn’t want to grow old while Damon stayed young and being without Damon, in any capacity, would hurt too much. Of course, it was all too late now so it didn’t matter.
Damon wasn’t going to just turn away from them, though. Not like that. Alex leaned in and pressed his lips to Thomas’ cheek, giving the man’s hand a squeeze. He felt stupid, being in this younger body with two grown men, almost like he was being babysat. Childish comments and curiosities couldn’t help but slip through the cracks, even when they were offensive.
Alex pulled away from Thomas, but gave him a look that asked him to come over, too. The burgers could stay there for now. Stickly arms wrapped themselves around Damon from behind again. Damon could do whatever he wanted. Push him away, Hit him. Yell at him. Remind him he was shit.
“I’m still here, too,” he reminded Damon and Alex had plenty of reason to leave. More reason than he had to stay. He could follow everyone else, people who didn’t make him feel awful. He could find another med school and become a doctor somewhere back East, far away from his dreams and memories. But there was one person who made Alex stay in the Godforsaken OC. “So you tell me if you don’t want me coming around no more.”
Then Alex would go. He was looking at Thomas, too. Who wanted the ex hanging around and clinging to both of them this way?
***
Damon turned around because he always would. All the anger was resistance, and frustration. “Listen up,” he said, kissing the younger’s forehead. “If you leave, I will come for you and haul your skinny ass right back if I have to, and that is a fucking promise. If I wanted you leave I would tell you, and I don’t. You aren’t going to hear that. You are a part of me, and you will always be a part of me. That is pure fact.”
While it was an uncomfortable position for the three of them, they could deal with it, and keep to the lines that would keep them out of trouble. “I can’t feed on you right now. If I did, you’d understand why, not that I don’t want to.” He looked at Thomas, and nodded at him too. He knew he couldn’t do it. He stroked Alex’s cheek. “Stay. It would rip me apart without you. Both of you.” He reached for Thomas with the other hand.
He looked at Alex again, “The biggest thing Thomas and I promised is that no matter what, we stay. That goes for you too. If you want to be here, you stay, no matter what, and we stay, no matter what. We’ll be there for you, and you have to be there for us.”
***
Thomas waited a few seconds to go over and join them, Alex and Damon needed that moment to talk just them before he joined them. Lacing his fingers with Damon’s as he touched Alex gently on the back. “And I’ll be driving the other car for all of your crap.” He told Alex, meaning the words even if he hadn’t actually thought about it before. What he would do if the situation arose of Alex taking off again. While a part of him thought it would make things a little easier for them the bigger part of him knew that it would hurt Damon to not have the other man around. And even Thomas couldn’t be that selfish - one good thing of being raised by his parents, he knew what being that selfish did to you in the long run. But he knew where he stood with Damon at the end of the day - so he could live with it.
“Can you do that Alex? Stick it out when it gets ridiculous knowing we’re here for you?” As friends. He would never be okay with that line getting rubbed out. Damon had called it - they cut out the spares.
***
A part of Alex wanted to tip his head to the side and offer it up for Damon, but that option was closed now. And if they wanted more than friendship, Alex wouldn’t hesitate to say yes, but he also understood that wasn’t in the cards. If he didn’t respect it, he would have let Damon create that dream world where they could be together there.
“Yeah, yeah,” he played it all off with a small movement that disconnected him from both men. Touching them and having them look at him and touch him in return hurt too much.
Alex ran his finger through his decidedly too bushy curls. “Feed me and I won’t go anywhere anyway.” It was light, but it was still a promise he’d stay in the stupid OC and be a faithful friend to the pair of them. Still, his position has second rate underling wasn’t his favorite and he decided he’d have to keep more of a distance from them either way instead of constantly trying to get back into graces he’d never be in again. For now, he could play the outsider friend.
****
They had miles to go in whatever this little thing was that would now hold the three of them in a constantly changing container. He had no idea which direction they would go, or how much he would allow. He controlled addictions on a very thin thread, but he kept that thread. He didn’t know if he could turn Alex, only because Alex would have to die, and that was the line. He didn’t want to kill him, but he wanted him to also stay young like this. He could assume the rest by that look in his eye, or at least get the vibe in general. “We’ll work on the rest.”
He got busy after Alex let go. “Grab some sauce, lettuce, tomatoes or whatever out of the fridge,” he said to Thomas. “We’re gonna try these things.” They didn’t look bad. He wasn’t sure they looked good either, but they weren’t bad. You really could deep fry anything.
He set the plates, offered forks, drinks, and motioned for everyone to sit and eat. His brain was churning on all the things spoken and unspoken. “Who’s gonna try this first?”
****
Thomas sighed and shook his head, feeling the emotional undercurrent and knowing that it was probably only going to get worse before starting to get better as he went to the fridge to grab the things Damon listed off. And more blood for himself in case he needed it. Only draw back he’d found so far with his emotional abilities - it was harder to pretend not to notice things were awkward. But that was another thing to shove aside until later. Right now was time to try a pasta burger.
“Not it. I refuse to be the first guinea pig.” He said as he set everything down on the table before taking his seat. “Also shouldn’t the chef be the first to taste their creation?”
***
Alex took the liberty of helping put everything on the table, enthusiastically moving about the kitchen after pushing his hair out of his face for about the hundredth time today.
“Oh my fucking god,” he rolled his eyes at both adult men. Once he was empty handed, he grinned and took Thomas’ scruffy face between his young hands. “I love you so much, I’m going to take one for the team,” he said, then planted a kiss on Thomas’ cheek before he started to plate up a burger for himself. How did one eat a noodle burger anyway? Alex thought it wasn’t a whole lot different from a big, juicy burger made from a dead cow that Leon would have turned his nose up at.
Fuck Leon.
Alex piled things high on his burger and plopped himself down in a chair. The damned thing was almost too big for his hands and almost too big for his mouth, but he took a big ‘ole Fuck Leon bite of the burger anyway and made a little humming sound of appreciation, his eyes falling shut. Oh yeah, he kept forgetting he’d been starving as a kid and everything tasted at least okay, but this was like Heaven to him. Condiments dripped down his chin and onto his shirt, but he couldn’t care less just then.
***
The burgers themselves looked mostly like burgers, thanks to the breading and deep fryer. It was quite a creation and Damon was pretty proud of it in spite of the skepticism. It was filled with pasta, sauce and cheese, and it really wasn’t bad. You really could deep fry anything. He laughed watching Alex and Thomas. Maybe he shouldn’t have tried to keep them separated.
He took a bite himself. “Damn, I could have a career as a chef.” Likely not though. Enzo would be cringing to see this little creation, but he was the gourmet. “I doubt my very Italian parents would approve, but they don’t really approve of me, so it works just fine.” This was good, food and company. He wasn’t ruling out a future either. He just didn’t know what it would look like.
***