Thomas Raith (whtctbastard) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2020-03-16 17:46:00 |
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Entry tags: | alex, thomas raith |
WHO: Thomas and Alex
WHAT: A talk
WHERE: Alex’s apartment
WHEN: after this exchange
RATING:Pretty tame really.
It was time for another episode of Alex Has a Shitty Idea. Not that he’d thought about it before, but it was stupid to keep trying to sneak around behind Thomas’ back as if they were up to something when they weren’t. Thomas was important to Damon and, while Alex was jealous, he could at least try to get to know Thomas so maybe he could visit without having to constantly ask if Thomas was there.
Drunk already, Alex decided to reply to a post from Thomas that he didn’t understand and didn’t really give a shit about just then. The invite went better than Alex had thought it would, being that Thomas didn’t just tell him to fuck off. Alex didn’t want to be another Sam, just a name in a valve of Damon’s heart.
Alex was in his living room, watching South Park, a few bottles on the coffee table in front of him. Red wine, whiskey, and bourbon. There was some cold juice in the fridge and some Dr. Pepper, which he was nursing, mixed with the whiskey. He wore a t-shirt from the clinic, a pair of athletic shorts, and a pair of ankle socks, also from the clinic. Nothing spectacular here. When he heard someone at the door, he yelled for the person to come in. If he got up, he might stumble.
***
Maybe this wouldn’t end up in the best ideas list for Thomas but his curiosity had to be sated somehow. And yes he could have asked his boyfriend what he wanted to know but he had a chance to find out for himself. And this would be a test for him - could he control his abilities in this setting? He’d sent off a quick text to Damon to let him know he was going over to meet Alex, just so he’d know where he was in case Thomas had overestimated himself and needed his help. Or in case he was in a bad position after drinks and needed someone to pick him up. He’d learned that lesson after the cab incident.
Alex had said he’d leave the door unlocked for him but he still knocked anyway before opening it and letting himself in. “Have they killed Kenny yet this episode?” He asked as he came in the living room and grabbed the bourbon from the table to make himself a drink.
***
“Not yet,” Alex smiled brightly at Thomas, pleased to see him making himself at home without having to coax him to do so.
Thomas was taller than Alex had expected with a beautifully wicked aura about him. In Alex’s dreams, there had been Good People that Alex followed around like a puppy dog, mostly because he’d always wanted to be Good. Maybe that was what really attracted him to Leon, the thought of a steady and healthy existence with someone stronger than Alex was.
Here, in this world, the world where even the Good could hurt him, Alex wasn’t sure he cared for that anymore. Here was Thomas, his eyes full of dark humor, his strut the sort that people watched and turned nervously away from when caught. Alex could at least count on Thomas to be honest with him, of that much he was already certain.
“S’good ass, mate,” he commented when he got a view. Yes, he was looking, at everything, sizing Thomas up. Not to challenge him, but rather to support Damon’s choice. “Wondering why I asked you to come?”
***
"How far into the episode have they gotten?" Thomas asked setting the bottle down and sitting before taking a drink. He gave Alex a cocky grin at that compliment. "Never had a complaint about it. Just wait until summer and we'll see if the record holds." He joked, trying to break any tension there might be.
"The thought had crossed my mind. Wondering why I said yes?"
***
“Maybe a little,” Alex smiled up at Thomas. He couldn’t help it, Thomas just had that sort of aura about him that Alex liked immediately.
He patted the cushion next to him in invitation. Trusting a stranger, much less the one his ex was in love with, was stupid, but Alex didn’t care. In the morning, he’d wake up drenched and freezing and alone so fuck it. “I wanted to meet the man Damon loves,” he said. “Because even if we don’t become best friends, I at least want you to know you’re important to me, which I’m sure doesn’t mean shit, but I’m not great with words when I’m being beer drunk.” He shrugged. “I just wanted to meet you, mate. No expectations or anything.”
For Alex, there was no tension there. He was relaxed as could be because it just felt good.
***
Thomas froze for a moment at that calm comment about Alex wanted to meet the man Damon loved but he recovered quickly to move to sit next to him on the couch. It was more comfortable than the chair he’d initially chosen, and closer to the alcohol. “Don’t take yourself for granted - it matters to me that you want to get to know me. Think I could be important to you.” He sighed and took a sip of his drink. “I said yes because I’ve been curious as hell about what you’re like. Not from Damon’s point of view but from my own. You’re a part of his life and I want to know you. I want to know the parts of him that I wasn’t around for all of.” He gave a shrug. “I know that might not make sense but fuck it. That’s the best way I can come up with to explain it.”
***
That was better, the way Thomas said it. Damon talked about Thomas, but Alex’s selfish jealousy painted a picture of Thomas that was just a faceless man who had Damon’s heart. Alex had no ill feelings toward Thomas and if he was going to come round, it was unfair to do it behind Thomas’ back, like they were sneaking or something.
“I’m nothing special,” Alex mumbled under his breath, then dragged the back of his hand across his own mouth to get rid of the thick whiskey that was sitting there. He looked over at Thomas, blindsided by his smooth mannerisms and warmth.
“Are you a vampire, too?” he asked. This was casual, too, or as casual as one could be when asking the question. How many times had Alex just wanted Damon to sink his fangs into his skin? To just take him? Damon wanted to and Alex had wanted to let him, but he just...didn’t.
***
Thomas heard that mumbled comment but didn’t respond to it, too many years of his own self doubting and self loathing moments behind him to even try to fight with Alex about that. It was a bullshit thought from where Thomas was sitting, from what he’d seen so far and what he’d heard about him from Damon, but Alex would have to come to that conclusion on his own when he was ready. Nobody could force him there. They could just show him that it wasn’t how they saw him.
“I am. Not the same as Damon when it comes to abilities but the need is the same. He’s actually helping me learn to control the urges.” Controlling his manipulation abilities was proving harder.
***
Good that Thomas was controlling himself as Alex was probably one of the more susceptible to those powers. On a whim, Alex leaned toward Thomas, feeling comfortable to lay his head on the man’s shoulder for comfort. Thomas should get used to it, Alex was just this way. Without it, he was restless and volatile. Thomas felt safe and warm, a place where Leon didn’t exist and the faint but familiar smell of Damon did, overlayed by the undeniable aroma of Thomas.
Alex pulled in a deep breath.
“Does it hurt?” Alex asked.
***
Thomas arched a brow as Alex laid his head down that way but he didn’t say anything. It was a nice feeling - someone’s head on his shoulder while they watched tv. He smiled as he took a sip of his drink, relaxing back into the couch.
He loved it when Damon bit him but yeah it hurt and he wasn’t going to lie about it. For the first few seconds anyway. Then the pleasure took over. “It does at first. Then it just feels really good. Almost like a high. When I feed I try to make the person want it so badly they don’t feel the pain.”
***
“Do you drain them?” Alex asked, not quite casual.
It would be a lie to say that it didn’t bother him. It bothered him that Damon had killed a man for him. Death in general bothered Alex, but things were what they were. Alex did his best at the clinic, trying to cheat death in any way possible and Alex wasn’t above taking a life to save his own ass now, was he?
There was no judgment, though. Just curiosity with a little bit of fear. Still, Alex didn’t move, only watched the way the flicker of the television played at the skin of Thomas’ hand.
***
“No. I take just enough to survive. Feed from multiple people so that I don’t take too much from one person. Or drink from blood bags so that I’m not taking any from a person.” Thomas told him. He didn’t want the guilt of someone’s life on him from feeding.
He could feel the fear radiating off Alex and he used his ability to help take some of it away, make him feel less afraid for the moment.
***
Thomas was Good. Alex knew it, beyond more than just instinct and something in him relaxed. He began to trace the lines at Thomas’ palm, his fingers surprisingly steady for a man who’d had so much to drink.
“What made you want to do it?” he asked. He wanted to know what had made Thomas pull the trigger and allow Damon to take him in that most intimate way. Maybe that was the answer. Alex could never do it and it wasn’t for lack of love or wanting closeness. He just hadn’t wanted it and it fascinated him that anyone would, but maybe Thomas wanted to be even closer.
***
Thomas smiled at that gentle touch to his palm, leaning his head to rest lightly against Alex’, the tv show forgotten as he tried to think of the words to answer that question. “Partly curiosity. I wanted to know what it would feel like. Him being in me that way. I knew even before the transition started that I was going to be a vampire so I guess I also wanted to know what it felt like for the people I fed from. The other part was...I wanted to give him something that I didn’t also give Tony since I was seeing both of them for a while.” He’d never hidden his relationship with Tony from Damon or anyone.
The club owner had just gotten his heart in a way the billionaire hadn’t. “And I got a little addicted to it I think.” Damon knew that Thomas loved it when he bit him. A lot.
***
Boy, did Alex get it. To have Damon in you was something you couldn’t make go away. Sharing blood with him was an entirely different animal, one that Alex thought could never really be satisfied.
The addiction, too. Alex knew it all and for Thomas, it was a hundred times what Alex experienced.
“I told Leon I’d marry him once,” he blurted, feeling tears stinging at his eyes. “He never loved me. Do you love Damon?”
***
Some part of Thomas’ heart ached at that blurted confession from the younger man about his other relationship. He knew that pain - that love for someone who never loved you back. It was one that you more or less had to bury unless you met the people who could make it up to you. Or maybe until you did. He’d lucked out there - Enzo and Minako’s parents had both taken him in completely, loving him more than his own parents ever had. And sure it wasn’t the same type of love as Alex obviously had for this Leon guy (why did that name sound so damn familiar in his head in combination with Alex?) it was a similar enough feeling that he could get it. He fought with himself over the desire to use just a little bit more of his ability to take some of the pain away just for while he was here but...that wasn’t his right. Taking away a person’s emotion probably wasn’t the right call just because he could. Especially not without their permission. Relaxation was different than pain.
“Yeah I do. It’s why I picked him over Tony. I didn’t even realize I’d made the choice at first. And the fact that I do is terrifying to me in some way that I can’t even figure out and don’t especially want to figure out when it comes right down to it.”
***
How many chances had Alex blown when it came to choosing between Leon and Damon? Back then, Alex’s choice had been clear. Damon and Alex fought like mad and maybe that was because they were so mad for each other. It didn’t matter because all that fighting, all of Damon’s insisting that he knew Alex better had driven Alex stubbornly into the arms of a man who didn’t know him at all and didn’t care to most of the time.
Tears were falling again. It was a nightly thing really, to have to go to bed alone. To not get to help Chris brush his teeth. To not have Leon kiss him on the head when he was up late studying. To not have one of Chris’ sloppy peanut butter sandwiches (sometimes with gummi bears). Alex’s hand came to Thomas’ chest, his fingers curling at the material of his shirt.
“I try hard to figure things out,” Alex said shakily. “And it always leads me to places that hurt, so I guess there’s nothing really to figure out and, if there is, it’s probably not worth it.” He paused, tipping his face up toward Thomas, searching the darker man’s gaze. “If it’s right, that’s all that matters.”
***
Thomas couldn’t help it when he saw those tears, he let loose just a little bit to lessen the other man’s pain, pushing it under to make it easier. He knew he’d taken away Alex’s choice there but he didn’t want to see the younger man in pain that way. “It feels right. Me being with Damon. I don’t have to pretend with him or act like I’m something I’m not. He knows the ways I’m broken and how deep it goes and is still with me despite it all.”
***
Being on the more susceptible end of the spectrum, Alex felt his pain ease away and was left wondering why he was still hanging on and why it still hurt so badly. It didn’t hurt that Damon was happy or that he’d missed his chance with Damon, more than once, because Damon was with the one he was meant to be with.
And anyway, Alex was 22 years old. He was too young to think about all this shit. “Sorry,” he said, clearing his throat. He swiped at his eyes and cheeks with his palm. “I’m glad you two are happy, you know,” he promised. “I just really need you to know that.”