Raven loves waffles more than life itself (ofevilsfire) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2020-02-04 15:32:00 |
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So much for being over her issues with Trigon. It wasn’t as bad this go around, just because of the setting of the Dreams and how different they were. Yet when push came to shove? Apparently Raven would always have issues related to her father and no matter how much the Dreams would vary, they always were brought up in the end. Honestly it was annoying. Especially when things were different enough that it managed to throw her more so than it might otherwise.
So the theory went at least.
Either way, when Raven had woken up that morning, she had been agitated. She had given into the darkness in her Dreams during her conversation with Trigon. How nothing had mattered after her mother had died (she mattered, why couldn’t he see that?) and then how he just kept trying to avoid blame, deflect and find someone else to blame. It was just easier to join the Reich and help them? Who did that?!
He clearly was no man at all.
It wasn’t like Raven had ever put much faith in her father in the waking world. She knew the world he ran in. She knew the harm he did and she had always been sure to do the opposite. Don’t get close to people to avoid them getting caught in the middle and hurt just because they happened to be close to her. Dreams and Orange County had changed that in a lot of ways, even if they just compounded her issues with her father. Made her worry Trigon would break free. But it still hurt that she didn’t matter, to have it said in such a way. As if she had always known that was the case here. She did, who was she kidding. She was only important if her father could use her, he only cared if she got caught in his business dealings because he didn’t like having someone take what was his, otherwise she had always been left to her own defences.
So Raven did what she did best. Threw herself into her research. But all it did was make the agitated feeling increase. She had come back to Orange County for a reason. She didn’t know what it was, she didn’t know why her soul self had all but forced her back with the constant showing up in reflective surfaces… but it had to mean something but so far? So far she couldn’t tell what the danger was and instead she got a new set of Dreams to deal with for her troubles.
Groaning, the twenty-one year old just looked at the empty office. She was the only one in the OID (which was fine, Katou was trying at best) and that meant a lot of work. But the energy inside of her needed an outlet and it wasn’t like she could just suppress it. Okay, she could. She spent so much time suppressing her emotions because she needed perfect control in order to use her abilities and denying her emotions made bad things happen.
Well okay then. Easy enough fix.
Closing the tome she’d been going through, Raven changed and then portaled herself to the Danger Room, it was similar enough to the training rooms from her Dreams that it was easy enough to figure out. Did it matter if she was by herself? Eh, probably not. Yes it was better utilized when there were many moving objects or people but she wasn’t exactly safe at the moment. Which meant she made sure the levels were high.
Once in place, she used her soul self to hit the proverbial go button and began. Dodging, use of telekinesis, portals, fighting. Whatever the room threw at her, Raven threw it right back. She knew her eyes were flashing red at times, but it was work it out or give into the pain and anger and that would be bad for everyone. No. She knew what she was doing.
Even when people doubted her.
Hadn’t that been why she had left in the first place? Or one of the main reasons? She never felt right in her own skin when she could do so much to help but was left out so she could be ‘normal’.
Even when she didn’t matter and was nothing but a key, a portal, a tool.
Destiny said she was to bring about the end but Raven had defeated destiny. Besides, what was destiny anyway? Cryptic words meant to create doubt or a sense of purpose. To put unnecessary weight on one’s shoulders. What about carving out her own life? She was allowed that. They all were allowed that.
Gasping as she got hit, the half demon turned and eyes flared but she didn’t stop, she couldn’t stop. She just increased the intensity level and started again. She didn’t have her team (any variation of her team) which meant she had to be prepared for anything. Patrols were lonely but she still did them. Even with the lull, it was a dangerous place because you never knew when something would strike. And thanks to her soul self, she knew something was bound to happen and she had to be prepared even if she had to face it alone.
Centering herself, the empath continued on, increasing intensity and levels when the course ended either by her defeating it or when she got knocked down. Somewhere she knew Dick would just frown at her, tell her she wasn’t alone, but he was in New York. And the mental barrier remained in place so he wouldn’t know what she was doing because it was fine. She just needed to work this out. Work out the problem.
Why was she there.
Meditation hadn’t given her an answer in the months she’d been back. Yes she was going out, doing things - friend things, volunteering - but that question was always in the back of her mind. The frustration and giving into darkness in the Dream, the being told she didn’t matter...it just added to it. The need to know.
The need to calm down. Because she also needed to help Skye. She was struggling, how could she not be. But sometimes she wondered if the older woman actually wanted the help or not. She understood self loathing, oh how she understood that. But she didn’t know how to help others out of it. She could only help with control and learning powers. A lot of it came down to Skye. But she also refused to fail or give up even if she sometimes felt she was the wrong person for the job.
Frustration from that fueled another attack and the simulation came to an end.
Which just meant she had to go again. She was losing track of time in there but each time, she felt just a bit more calm. Not by a lot, but enough to know this was what she needed. Because she needed that control, she couldn’t lose it. Raven had seen too often what happened when she gave in to the darkness, when her emotions got the best of her. People got hurt when all she wanted was to help.
But underneath it all seemed to remain that constant reminder. That she didn’t matter. That she wasn’t enough. Goddamn Dreams messing with her sense of self. She hated the jumble of emotions that came from them. One would think after five sets that would be it, but no. There was always something and it always hit differently.
By the end of her very long work out, Raven was struggling to catch her breath. She was definitely bruised and she was pretty sure there was some blood somewhere but she at least felt more clear of mind, so that had to count for something.
Right. Clean up then shower and then… see what time it was to figure out the rest of the day.
It was fine. It would all be fine.