InsaneJournal

Who: Anakin and Padme
What: Anakin explains that his dreams are getting bad and apologizes for canceling plans
When: Monday
Where: Padme’s place
Rating/Warnings: Talk about murder and domestic abuse


Anakin had been regretting canceling his plans with Padme ever since he’s sent her the text. But he knew himself and that he wasn’t a good person to be around right now. His dreams were even worse now that his powers were back.

But at some point, he knew he’d crossed over from ‘needing a few days’ space’ to being unfair to Padme. She deserved an explanation and an apology, for canceling. And he needed to explain something else. He wanted to give her enough time to understand their dreams as possible, but every thought he had about his most recent dreams was coupled with another thought: there was one thing he needed Padme to know if they had a chance at anything.

It was Monday evening and he knocked on her door. He should have texted, but he was struggling with impulsivity at the moment and before he knew it, he was just here.

***

Considering it was only the first time Anakin had cancelled plans, Padme had tried not to read too much into it. After all, he had every right to cancel. It wasn’t like they were joined at the hip or anything. Sure, they’d been getting closer and closer, but that didn’t mean they were actually married. No matter what the dreams were telling her.

And then of course, the random texts afterwards (which was almost like radio silence from him) didn’t help things either. Padme tried to keep busy, and was in the process of taking her summer clothes out of her closet in prepartion for her fall wardrobe when she heard the knock on her door. Startled, she glanced at her phone to see if she’d missed a notification, which she hadn’t. Who showed up without a text these days, she wondered to herself as she opened the door.

Anakin. Anakin showed up. And she couldn’t help the huge smile that crossed her face although she wondered if she should kiss him or what. Instead, she opted to throw her arms around his waist and pull him in for a hug.

“Hey! Come in, what’s up? Are you okay?”

She looked up -- way up, considering she was barefoot -- and smiled.

“You came over.”

***

Anakin was wrapped in a hug before he could say anything. It was more comforting than he’d anticipated and maybe he held on a little bit longer than normal.

He gave Padme a soft smile, nothing as bright and carefree as hers. He did want to see her hold her, talk with her, he found he couldn’t help but want all that. But things were just a thousand times more complicated now. He’d both anticipated his dreams would make life worse for him, and at the same time underestimated their impact as well.

“I’m sorry about cancelling… last week,” he said, looking down. “I came by to talk about it.”

***

"Oh!" Padmé pulled away, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. " You don't have to apologize… you're allowed to cancel…"

And it wasn't like they were completely official really...even if they were exclusive.

Dating was hard.

After a few moments, she suddenly realized she hadn't invited him in. "Let's get you inside, okay? Can I get you something to eat? Drink?" Her manners were kicking on. She stepped towards her kitchen, trusting he'd close the door and step in.

***

Anakin closed the door behind him and followed Padme to her kitchen.

“Oh… um, water?” His mind was singularly focused so deviating from his set plan threw him off for a beat.

But from there, he didn’t know how to go forward.

“I do need to apologize because… I didn’t give a reason… and I wanted you to know it wasn’t you- You weren’t the reason I cancelled, I mean.”

***

Padmé found she had no answer back so she motioned to a chair at the island and got him the requested water. Somehow, with the furniture distancing them, she felt it a bit easier to talk to him.

Folding her arms onto the table, she picked at the end of her centrepiece. "You don't owe me an explanation, Anakin. You are your own person and besides, we both know you hate talking." It was meant as a friendly jibe, but it came out a bit sharper than intended. In all truth, it was something that bothered her, even as she accepted that was who he was. "So don't feel like you have to do it…. If you want to though…..that's another story.

***

Anakin’s eyes snapped up, because that was a bit sharp. He clamped his mouth shut and forced himself to look at the glass of water until the urge to just blurt out the first thing that came into his head passed because he knew it would only sow regret.

All the ways he tried to play this out in his head just dissolved into useless non-starters.

It was easier never talking about delicate subjects than it was trying to navigate them with a brain that had no organic filter.

Okay, so if he couldn’t rely on tact, he’d just have to be blunt.

“Two years ago my mom died.” Well, it would be two years next month. “I was stationed in Italy when she found out she had cancer. The doctors said she had at most a couple weeks to live. It was shorter than that… a lot shorter. I couldn’t get leave approved in time to come home before she died.”

There were precisely two people here in the OC that new this information, he’d only just told one person this last week. So now there was three.

“I used to think the universe was pretty cruel for that. I should have had the chance to say goodbye… And then I moved here and started dreaming. My mother in my dreams looks and sounds and acts just like my mom did here on earth.” Only she was also a slave on an impoverished, dangerous planet, but Padme surely knew about that already.

***

Padme listened intently to what Anakin had to say and found her heart sinking a little at every sentence. No wonder he was so closed off -- losing his mother like that... and then losing her in his dreams, in a more violent and horrible way…

“Oh Ani,” Padme said softly, reaching out to place her hand on his, her thumb lightly stroking his skin. “I can’t imagine what it must have felt like, reliving that again.” Because if he had been dreaming longer than her, Padme felt it was safe assumption that he’d already dreamt through his dream mother’s life. The little bit he’d shared -- and the little bit she’d learned from her own dreams -- let her believe that neither life had been easy for him.

And the fact he was alone. Again.

“Thank you for sharing...I really appreciate it. I’m sorry if you ever feel pressured to do so. I just … it’s that I care a lot about you. A lot...and I want to help you with things. I want to be that person you call because you just need to sort things out in your head, and you can say whatever you want and know that I won’t hold it against you. And that’s selfish, I know, because I don’t know what you want. I just … yeah. I’m glad you told me…”

***

It was a relief that he didn’t have to explain the details his mother’s death in his dreams, but what he needed to say was far from that simple. Because it wasn’t just that he’d had to watch his mother dying from a distance, again. It was also what happened immediately afterwards, too.

“Do you know what happened in my dreams?” He asked, keeping his eyes on his glass of water. “After my mother died?”

***

Padme grew quiet. She was aware, yes. There were many things she dreamt that she never shared with Anakin. From what she could see, there was a lot of painful things he had to deal with, and she didn’t think it right to bring up past memories that maybe had no bearing on the current ones.

“With the sandpeople.” It was a statement, not a question. She looked up at him and caught his eye, giving a small nod. “Yes, in my dreams I’ve learned. Our lives are very connected. I don’t want to presume that I know everything though, so if you’d like to tell me, you can. If you want.”

***

Anakin scrubbed his fingers over his eyes.

“I really don’t,” he said, but quickly added. “I mean, I just… don’t want to go over all the details right now if I don’t have to. It’s not… fun to think about. But… It’s good that you know.”

He chewed over his words for a moment. “I’ve been thinking a lot about- I like you, I care about you, I like- I really like what we have. But my dreams recently, I’ve been-”

He stopped, frustrated, because it felt like he wasn’t explaining things right.

He tried again. “Generally, you’re right, we- the people on the network, we all let people deal with their dreams as they dream them. But I think there’s one thing I should tell you about your dreams- our dreams. I think I should tell you because we do have a relationship.”

***

When he said how much he liked her, Padmé couldn't help but feel slightly giddy inside. Obviously she knew he did. Hearing the words though…. It was a nice feeling amd distracted her enough that she didn't quite catch what he was talking about.

"You can tell me anything," she stated, hoping it sounded more confident than she felt. "Especially if you think I need to know. Don't feel you have to hide. I'd rather we talked things through than you keep things from me."

***

Anakin held his breath then let it out in a huff.

“Uh…”

He wanted to reach out to grab Padme’s hand, but he focused on stilling his hands instead. He couldn’t predict how Padme would take what he was going to say.

So far, blundering through what he had to say seemed to be working, so he decided to stick with that tactic.

“In our dreams… I kill you.”

***

That was so unexpected that Padmé couldn't even process the information. The words that he had said had lost all meaning to her.

She immediately wanted to laugh and say no, she was alive and well in her dreams, but then she realized she hadn't had any in a while. Did that mean she died young? The last memory she had was of her wedding. Maybe he killed her after that?

No, this couldn't be true. Not Anakin. Not the young boy she'd known from childhood, the smart, handsome young man who swept her off her feet, with whom she'd share a passionate and secret love affair. He was her dream soulmate, of that she was sure, and he was equally enamored with her, doing whatever he could to make her happy.

This was too much.

Looking almost sightlessly at him, she simply mouthed the word 'no' and quietly padded to her couch, where she sat down. Padmé glanced to Anakin and shook her head. "That's not right. You love me in our dreams. I can feel it, almost sense the sheer magnitude of your love. How could you kill me?"

***

Anakin stayed at the kitchen island, accepting Padme walking away. He couldn’t deny that it hurt a little.

“That’s what the Dark Side does to you,” he said, and then added, “To me… in our dreams… It changes you, or... you let it change you. Love doesn’t fix things. It’s just a feeling.”

***

She hugged herself tightly, almost tucking into herself. Was he telling the truth? Was that really how their story ended? Anakin had a bad habit of skirting around an issue, absolutely but lying? No. Padmé believed firmly that he had never been anything but honest with her.

He killed her.

"How?" Even as she asked it, she didn't know if she wanted the answer. She deserved to know though, she thought. In order to avoid the same fate here.

***

No, he didn’t like lying, though he bet he becomes very skilled at it in their dreams. He’d have to in order to keep his relationship with Padme a secret.

“I attack you.” He really didn’t know much more than that right now. One day they’d both know all the details.

***

This was too much for Padme. She put her hands on her head and shook it. “No….no. I don’t believe you. I can’t believe you. This is stupid. I’ve told you how many times -- your dreams are not your reality! Why can’t you understand that?”

She looked up, anger flashing in her eyes. “We keep talking in circles over the same. Damn. thing. We are not them . I’m starting to get worked up about dreams and that’s silly. It’s illogical and irrational and that’s just not me. I can’t believe this and I won’t.”

Leaning her head back on her chair, she sighed.

“Are you going to hurt me now?”

***

“No,” Anakin said with a bone weary sigh. “I’m not going to physically hurt you right now.”

He was so tired of trying to explain how his dreams connected to his reality. Emotions were part and parcel to how a person used the Force. While dreaming and upon waking, he felt everything he did in his dreams. Waking up with those emotion swirling around in his head was a mind fuck all on their own. Throw in the danger that acting on his emotions presented as a Force user, and he felt like a powder keg ready to be lit.

Padme even admitted how strong their emotions were in their dreams - that she felt them even after waking. Her’s were of love.

And now, this week Anakin’s also included hate so strong it fomented the slaughter of innocent children.

He didn’t know what to say to Padme to explain how scarily real the desires in his dreams leaked over into his waking world. What that meant for him every day.

And if they couldn’t communicate? What did that mean for them, as a couple?

He could barely talk about what it felt like to murder the Raiders, how was he going to process the experience and emotions behind attacking someone he loved?

“I sorry… I don’t… know how else to explain that my experience is not the same as yours. You can leave your dreams behind when you wake up. But I can’t leave mine,” he said, standing up.

“I guess I should go.”

***

Brown eyes widened as she saw him get up. "No!" She stretched out an arm and got up just as quickly as he did. Within a few steps, she was in front of him, and without hesitation, reached out and grabbed his hands in hers.

"I don't want you to leave because if you leave, you'll never come back and that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me because you're the best thing to ever happen to me."

Unbidden tears welled in her eyes. "I know what you're saying, I do…. it's so hard for me to believe you're the bad guy though. You're not. I will never believe that. Ever. There has to be something in our dreams, something so different that leads to that, and if we go into this together, we can beat it. We know its coming so it won't happen."

***

“Padme, please-” Anakin started to say. He didn’t want to make this harder than it would be.

But he didn’t get much more out before Padme said more.

He didn’t want to leave either. He felt more for her than he said. He never said it because he knew it was early in their relationship – here on Earth – that it might be weird if he confessed how much he felt.

“There are differences, but we can’t pretend there aren’t similarities.”

He tightened his fingers around Padme’s.

“And… I can’t ignore that I wake up now feeling like I want to hurt people and it takes more than a second for those feelings to fade away. And the memories of what I did in the dreams don’t ever fade.”

***

"Good. Don't let them fade. Remind yourself what could happen to make sure it doesn't." Padmé searched Anakin's face for a moment before burying her own into his chest. "Did you feel like this, even when I spent the night? Is it getting worse?"

Tugging on his hands, she pulled them so he was hugging her, letting her wrap her own arms around his waist.

"Is there anything that makes it better?"

***

Anakin sighed, struggling to find the nicest way to say that that was misguided encouragement. Well intentioned, he knew, and for that he was grateful. But still problematic.

“Padme… these memories are post traumatic stress disorder symptoms. I don’t want to remember the details of a massacre. I don’t want to be triggered.“

He’d just wanted a normal life when he moved to Irvine almost two years ago. Some part of him wished he’d never come. Ignorance was bliss for a great many things.

But that cat was out of the bag, and for some reason the universe had decreed that cats could not, in fact, be put back into bags after their successful bid for freedom.

He tightened his arms around Padme.

“Having someone to talk to, who accepts my evaluation of my own experiences helps.”

***

Padme inhaled deeply. Like her comment earlier had probably hurt him, this comment cut her too. She really hadn’t been very accepting or understanding, and always managed to make the situation about her. Just because she didn’t comprehend how he was feeling didn’t mean that his feelings were any less valid.

“I’m not a very good girlfriend sometimes,” she muttered before catching herself and asking warily, “I am your girlfriend, right? Because I don’t want to presume anything, and I know we only really started this a few months ago, and obviously we have a lot to work through and figure out and I really want to do that with you. I want to learn how we can communicate better, and figure out how we can do things together because at the end of the day, I want to be with you and only you.”

A pause.

“And there I go making it about me again. No wonder you don’t say much.” She was rambling at this point, more out of nervousness than anything else, and she was finding it hard to stop. “I’m going to stop talking. I am. Now. Yes. I’m just going to listen. Say what you need to say. I swear, I’m not going to say anything.”

***

Anakin hugged Padme a bit tighter for a moment. It felt nice thinking of them as boyfriend-girlfriend.

“I think I’m the one making things more complicated,” he said. “If you were with any other boyfriend you wouldn’t have to deal with this shit.” In there was a casual answer to Padme’s question about their relationship status.

“I’m sorry I’m not a better boyfriend.”

***
The amount of butterflies and emotions swirling in her mind were stilled momentarily by his roundabout answer. Boyfriend. She liked that. Liked knowing that they were together. Liked it more than what he’d said about killing her, but that wasn’t him and it wasn’t her and she was convinced of that.

"You're perfect." She leaned back a bit and looked up before stretching out on her toes to give him a soft kiss. "You won't hurt me here. Believe that. Trust in that. And if you start feeling any urges….tell me. We have to be honest and talk about these things. I can't promise not to be affected by our conversations, but I can promise that I will listen and I won't take it personally."

***

Anakin wanted to believe that, but no one could be certain of the future.

“I don’t think I’ll be the same… as before. Not if I’m going to dream about this stuff now.”

***

"I don't think any of us are the same before our dreams." Padmé didn't have anything else to say. Her thumbs were drawing patterns on his lower back and she was suddenly feeling exhausted.

She hadn't forgotten what he initially came to tell her, and it wasn't that she was any less concerned. It was that she needed to process, think, and logically look at the situation. Being this close to him though, logic went out the window.

"Are you staying?" She didn't add 'tonight' but she hoped he would.

***

“Do you want me to stay?” He’d like to but he didn’t want to presume he was invited to stay - he hadn’t exactly received an invite here to begin with.

***

"Of course," was her reply. "But," she added, with a cheeky smile, "do you think we could sit down? You really are so much taller than me and my neck is starting to hurt."