InsaneJournal

Who: Alice Liddell and Logan Howlett
What: Alice is coming clean about some things
When: Recently
Where: Logan's bar
Rating/Warnings: Mediumish - talk of kidnapping, hostages, attack, fear of miscarriage. Proceed at your own risk. And oh yeah a little bit of underage drinking.
Status: Complete when posted.



Nervous wasn’t something Alice was used to feeling anymore when it came to talking with Logan but that was the only way to describe it as she parked her car in the lot outside his bar and stepped out. She was feeling nervous but she had to push it down and keep going. Okaa-san, Mina’s mom and Kurt’s favorite of his grandmother figures (or maybe that was just what Alice told herself to justify not calling her own mom first to arrange a babysitter for the afternoon), had the baby and was probably working on teaching him Japanese already. Alice had done it deliberately so that she wouldn’t have any distractions, no way out of telling Logan what had gone on with Tyler and even before that. Things she should have told him months ago because no matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise they didn’t just affect her. Logan had a right to know if it even looked like it could affect Kurt. And even if it didn’t? It was too stressful and exhausting for her to keep it a secret anymore. Not to mention not being fair to ask their friends to keep it a secret.

He might be mad, furious even, but if he was - she deserved it and she’d deal with it. Anything would be better than the guilt. She locked the car, hesitating for just a moment before smoothing her skirt and adjusting her top before walking to the door, opening it and giving herself a moment to let her eyes adjust before making her way to the back where his office was and knocking on the door. She was willing to bet that he already knew she was there, that he’d heard her coming in but she didn’t have those same senses to tell her if he was alone in there and she didn’t want to interrupt a meeting. Or to have to have this conversation with someone right outside the door. “Logan? You in there?” She called after a moment.

***

Was she trying to distract Logan with that outfit? and probably half the bar as she walked through it.

Logan called out for her to enter. He was leaning against his desk, watching a hockey game on a tv mounted in one corner. he turned to look at her, raising his eyebrows, but something about her posture and scent concerned him.

He had the sense that she’d been keeping something to herself, but she was allowed that. Even if they had actually been dating and not just friends, she was allowed to keep things to herself. He just wanted to be able to help. “You okay, darlin’?”

***

Alice closed the door behind her as she came into the office, giving him a small smile as she shook her head. “Not at all actually. I have some things I need to tell you that I probably should have a while ago but I thought I had it under control.” She came closer to the desk where he was leaning and hopped up on top of it so she was sitting beside him, legs crossed at the ankle in front of her. She swallowed. “Why I’ve been going to Harley for therapy. And why I needed the door changed at my house. It was more than just a simple breakin. But you probably already figured that out.” She gave a sort of laugh as she looked at him out of the corner of her eye.

“But it goes back before all that.”

***

Logan raised his eyebrows, any thoughts of hiking up her skirt vanished as he focused on her tone and the way she was moving. “Sounds like you don’t got it under control, darlin’.”

He pulled out a bottle from one drawer, poured her a glass of a dark liquid, and put it on the desk next to her. “An’ I’ve been waitin’ for you to tell me.”

So he knew who to murder.
***

“No I really don’t.” Alice admitted, reaching for the glass he’d set beside her and taking a sip before setting it back down on the desk between them. “I...I started seeing Harley after what happened with...Hydra kidnapping me. After Neena took me to the hospital that day. It was more than just me being scared about the scrapes I’d gotten. I hadn’t...Kurt hadn’t been moving the last day or so they had me. I hadn’t felt him moving and I was scared that I’d lost him. And I didn’t know how to tell you or Mina or my dad. And you and Kitty were making sure they were all taken care of so I asked Neena to take me and stay until my dad got there. And not to tell you what I was scared had happened. That I’d tell you when I figured out how and then...I just never figured it out until now.” Alice said, the words spilling out of her in a rush. It was like something in her had come loose now that she was talking about it. “Don’t be mad at Neena. It was my idea not to tell you that day. She was just respecting my wishes.” She added, looking up at him and reaching out to touch his arm lightly, tears threatening to spill out.

***

Logan listened intently, expression unchanging as he let Alice have her words and her time. Then, slowly, he put his hand over hers, then pulled her into a tight, bone squishing hug. Still no words, but he didn’t think that’s what she needd right now.

***

That wasn’t at all the response Alice had been trying to prepare herself for and she stiffened for a moment before letting herself cling to him, tears falling as she just let go of everything she’d been holding in tight for weeks. Her makeup was going to be ruined but she didn’t care all that much right then.

***

He wondered if she thought he’d be mad. There were things to be mad about and things that didn’t matter. And he wasn’t mad at Alice. Upset that she’d kept things from him, but not angry. Not over something where she was clearly seeking help for.

Though he might go tear Hydra a new one to feel better, later.

“It’s okay, Alice. You’re okay. Kurt is okay. I ain’t mad at you for bein’ affected by all that.”

***

If they hadn’t been sitting on his desk that reassurance would have had her trying to climb into his lap. But as much as she just wanted to sit there and let him hold her and comfort her she had more to tell him before she could. “That’s not...that’s not all that I kept from you.” She said, voice muffled from where her head was against him. She pulled away just enough to see his face.

“The reason I asked Daddy to take Kurt out of town was because I was being stalked. A friend of mine...turned off his humanity and he was threatening me and Kurt. Sending text messages about wanting to kill him, kill both of us and I thought the safest place for both of them was away from here. I thought if I could just avoid him long enough that he’d go back to being normal, he’d realize how stupid he was being and turn it back on somehow. I didn’t think he’d break into the house and attack me. If Mina hadn’t come home when she did he’d probably have killed me.” She hadn’t even told Harley about the attack, just not wanting to think about it and how it could have maybe been avoided if she hadn’t been trying to protect Tyler by not being honest about what he was doing. Or with Harley who had been doing it.

***
Well this was gonna be fun. Logan kept his expression neutral, letting Alice explain what she needed to explain and trying very hard to curb the growing murderous rage the longer she spoke. He very carefully set his hands on the desk,away from Alice, before his claws popped out and scarred the wood.

He exhaled the rage through his nose. “Just...turned off his humanity?”

***

Alice picked up the glass that Logan had poured her, taking a drink as she watched him process everything she’d just spilled out. She was proud of herself for barely flinching when his claws popped out that way. She nodded her head at that question from him. “I...I don’t know how to explain it better. He tried to. When I told him that I never wanted to see him again. That he couldn’t come near me again.” She said, setting the glass back down. “He said it had all gotten to be a little too much for him so he...turned it off. Which doesn’t excuse what he did at all.” If it was just her to think about she could have forgiven him but it wasn’t so she hadn’t.

***

“No, it ain’t an excuse and that man is lucky I don’t cut him a new asshole,” Logan snapped, his anger no longer possible to contain. A little hypocritical, how often had he lost his own humanity?

But that thought didn’t make him any less angry.

***

Alice was looking down at her lap, a part of her afraid to look at him and see what his face looked at. She could hear the anger already. “And not wanting you to go after him is why I’m not telling you his name.” She said, resolve obvious in her voice. She’d thought it through. Mina had taken care of it - had chased Tyler off and he wasn’t coming near her again. If he did? She would call Harley and tell her everything. She’d been the reason for Logan to have blood on his hands more than she wanted already.

***

“You don’t need to protect this man,” Logan said, grip on her tightening. He touched two fingers under her chin and lifted it up. “There’s a big difference between losin’ control an’ choosing to lose control. An’ he chose that, an’ he’s gotta live with the consequences.”

***

Alice didn’t fight when Logan lifted her chin up so that she had to look into his face, the tears had stopped for the moment but the proof of them from earlier was still on her face and there was still a trace of them in her eyes. “I’m not trying to protect him. Not just him at least. I’m tired of the people I care about getting blood on their hands because of me.”

***

“Darlin,’” Logan’s voice was gentle. “That’s our choice to make, an’ sometimes it’s worth it. Sometimes it ain’t, but… let us make that decision. Better me than you.”

***

“I’m not going to be able to talk you out of that am I?” Alice asked him, already certain she knew the answer.

***
Logan gave her a wry smile. “Never darlin’.”