Leon Orcot (under_arrest) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-07-22 11:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alex, leon orcot |
WHO: Leon Orcot and Alex
WHAT: A discussion
WHERE: IHOP
WHEN: Backdated to Saturday 13th-that Sunday morning
RATING: Low/none. Language probably.
STATUS: Complete upon posting
If Alex said he wasn’t hurt by the day’s events, he’d be lying. The worst part was, Damon had tried to make him feel like he shouldn’t be able to set boundaries or even be hurt, and that wasn’t a friend. It was also like holding up a mirror in front of himself, showing Alex how he was in his dreams and even before the past couple of years: Selfish, immature, and manipulative. It made him feel sick, and even sicker still, he’d actually thought Damon gave a shit about him.
After learning that Leon had kissed someone else after their night together threw Alex for another, surprising loop. Maybe he deserved it all. Maybe he should just get this musical over with and go back to Washington. Leon had D now and Damon had never been more than self serving, but Alex didn’t want to run away again. Not this time. At least Leon gave a shit about him and was still talking to him after everything. They both had it over their heads, this murderer and his innocent victim and that made things worse.
Strangely, it helped Alex give a performance that was well profitable for him that night. After, he packed up his guitar in his truck and drove to the IHOP. It was approaching midnight and he was tired, but he knew he wasn’t going to sleep tonight and he and Leon needed to talk. Alex parked, turned off his headlights, and walked inside, unsure if Leon was already there or not. Suddenly, he was well past nervous. Anxiety hit him and he braced himself on a claw machine just inside the entrance.
Leon… wasn’t really sure what was going to happen tonight. He and Alex couldn’t be together again. He knew this. What was between them was broken. It was beyond repair, and there was nothing that could be done about it. There was Chris to think of. And Alex’s jealousy about D, which made no sense because there was nothing going on between him and D and there never would be. Leon hated D. But the fact remained that Leon would be seeing a lot of D - he had to, to keep people safe - and he wasn’t sure if Alex would be able to deal with that.
But, well, the more that time passed, and the less hurt he felt by Alex leaving him, well… it was harder to convince himself of all of that. He tried. People getting back together with their ex, well, it never really worked out well. Except when it did.
He’d tied his hair back, and was wearing a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, one that he thought was one of his more flattering t-shirts. He’d even put on a couple of squirts of cologne. He’d braced himself for seeing Alex, but even still, he felt his heart speed up a little when he saw him leaning against the claw machine in the door. He smoothed his hair, and wondered if he should get up and greet him, then decided that was probably over kill, so he stayed in the booth.
It was difficult for Alex to gauge the amount of time it took for the wave of panic to pass enough for him to scan the dining room. There, in a booth, was Leon. The panic began to surface again, but he managed to push it down this time. Had Leon gone to open mic? How long had Leon been sat there?
That notion to run settled in again. This was stupid, to think that he even stood a chance by coming here. Leon didn’t want him or need him. He’d fucked it all up and didn’t have the right to do any of this. But Leon was here and they could at least have some coffee or something and talk.
Alex forced his breathing to go back to semi normal. He pushed his hand through his hair, then walked into the restaurant. A hostess tried to seat him but he motioned to Leon and managed to tell her he was here with him. She asked for a drink order as he sat across from his ex and she slid a menu in front of him. “Orange juice, please,” he croaked. He had to force his gaze up from the pancakes and bacon on the menu’s front and to Leon’s face. It hurt to see him now, but he knew it was his own fault.
“Hi,” he greeted as their hostess left. “Thanks, for coming.”
"Yeah, of course," Leon said. As far as he was concerned, he'd always come if Alex asked him to. "That was a great set tonight. You killed it up there," he added, with a bit of a half grin. He'd, of course, been at Alex's show.
So Leon had been there. A hint of a dimple appeared on Alex’s cheek. Leon had been there and Leon was doing that dumb half grin thing Alex loved. Shit.
“You doing alright?” he asked.
God. So fucking stupid.
"Yeah," Leon said. "I mean, about as well as someone can in a place like this." Since he'd stumbled across D's petshop, he'd actually bee feeling alright. Annoyed and regretting that he had to spend time with the obnoxious petshop owner, but it felt good actually having some sort of purpose again. Maybe he'd failed at being a decent officer over the last year, but if he could stop D from killing, he might be able to at least atone for a bit of that.
"How about you? Anything more from Damon?"
At the mention of Damon’s name, Alex grew a little pale. He shook his head, emphatic. “I’m sure he’s gone to his friends to tell them what an ungrateful piece of shit I am and they can all lick his ass hole in agreement,” he stated disdainfully.
The orange juice came and Alex waited until the RBF waitress went away before he took out a small serving size bottle of Vodka from his pocket and dumped it in; he needed more than just the orange juice. “Want some?” he asked. “I got some whiskey.”
Leon lit up. " Do you even have to ask?" Leon asked, pushing his glass of Coke over to Alex. He had actually been a little disappointed in Alex's choice of IHOP because of their lack of a drink menu.
"I'll make sure he doesn't bother you," Leon promised. He didn't know what he could do against a vampire though. Maybe he could invest in a couple of silver bullets.
From his pocket, Alex took out a small bottle of Wild Turkey, the obvious but still good choice in whiskey. He also didn’t need to ask how much and just dumped the whole thing in.
“I don’t think he will,” Alex said. “He’ll move on to whatever pretty little thing who will bend to his every whim.” Saying no to Damon was what started it all. Damon, the giant man-vampire-child. Alex had been stupid to start up with him again and he knew it, but he’d thought he owed him somehow, but now -
“I’d rather be back behind bars than have to think about this shit every day,” he admitted, not able to look at Leon as he said it. When he did again, he said, “I’m sorry I put my tail between my legs and left you to pick up my mess. It was a shit thing to do and I wouldn’t even talk to me if I were you, you know.”
Leon brought his lips to the rim of his cup to help get rid of some of the overflow before he picked it up and took a healthy swallow. Yeah, that was definitely necessary.
“Don’t say that,” Leon muttered. The last thing he wanted was for Alex to wind up behind bars again, or to even want that. Prison had not been kind to him. “It was my mess in the first place,” Leon said, waving a hand as if to shoo away the thought that it was Alex’s fault at all, “so don’t worry about it.”
He took another sip of his drink. He and Alex had a lot to talk about, and Leon didn’t know where to start. Hell, it was probably better if Alex led the conversation anyway, especially with the fact that Leon had kissed someone else. He still didn’t know how Alex felt about any of that.
“Bull shit it was and you need to stop thinking that,” Alex replied immediately. “That fucking idiot D is lucky he’s not the one who shot you or I’d be paying him a visit instead of sitting here with you.” But D, for once, was innocent.
At least in that.
That brought up another question.
“This guy you kissed,” he said, his gaze moving to Leon’s hands, which had been on someone else even after they’d….”Was it D?” he asked before he could lose the nerve.
Here it came, the question about the guy he kissed. He braced himself, prepared for just about everything except for the question that Alex actually asked. “What?” he asked, a little surprised, and then it sunk in. “No!” he said vehemently. “Absolutely not. There is no way in hell I would ever kiss that pompous, smug, insufferable sweet-freak. Seriously, Alex. Never.” Definitely never.
While Alex believed that whoever Leon had kissed wasn’t D, the continuous insistence against it made him question the never. For now, though, Alex let the whole D thing go. D was here and there was nothing Alex could do about it and he had other questions that had nothing to do with D.
“Okay,” Alex said after another deep swallow of his drink.
“So then…” he tried, swallowing thickly. “You seeing him again? This guy, I mean.” So he could be prepared, or some shit like that.
"I'll probably see him around," Leon admitted. "We drink at the same bar. But it really wasn't anything, Alex. I met him at the bar, and we were both drunk, and things got a little out of hand." He opened his mouth to say that he wouldn't have done it it he'd known Alex wanted to get back together, but closed it again. That was a sorry excuse. "It’s not like I’m going to go buying him flowers or anything like that.”
“Right, so I guess it’s okay then since you were drunk and it’s a guy you drink with,” Alex was more short and jealous than he wanted to be or had any right to be.
He held up a hand and shook his head. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m stupid. I thought since we...maybe I stood a chance, but that’s stupid.” Fuck, he was so fucking stupid. “Anyway, I wanted you to know I wish I could go back, you know, go back home. I was happy. Were you happy?”
“I don’t really drink with him. I drink adjacent to him. It was the first time we’d spoken, and…” Leon rubbed the side of his head. “I’m sorry, I’m making excuses. Alex, I love you. Everything’s a big fucking mess, but that’s never changed. Of course I was happy, back before everything went to shit. Hell, even after all that, I was still happy with you.”
Alex stared at Leon, at this man he loved and once had a life with, a life he’d tossed away and left Leon there to pick up all the pieces. “I was weak,” Alex said, taking Leon’s cheeks between his hands, one touching the hand Leon was using to rub at his temple, anything he could do just to touch him. “I’ve always been fucking weak,” he admitted. “I fuck up everywhere, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to ignore everything we’ve been through or run away from it anymore. You don’t have to take me back, but I don’t want to be without you anymore either.”
Leon bit his lip. He hadn’t realized just how much he had wanted to hear Alex say that until now, but … well, despite that his heart wanted to entirely, his head still hesitated. It was strange not just following his gut instinct, but he couldn’t right now. “There’s still Chris to think about,” Leon said after a moment. “I want… I don’t know. He’s been through so much these last couple years, I think he just needs some stability for a while. To not have any big changes going on, at least for a little bit. We could still give this another go, just… maybe not have you move in right away. See how it goes.”
By now, it was half a year since Alex had been back. By now, he didn’t expect a damn thing and shouldn’t have been disappointed that he couldn’t just go home, but that life wasn’t his anymore. Leon had the 4th with Veronica and D and Alex didn’t fit anymore. Yet he was disappointed. His hands lowered as he became aware of a few stares.
Alex didn’t want to appear as desperate as he was, but he knew he was well past that. “Okay,” he agreed, taking what he could get. Maybe in five years he could come over for dinner, after Leon kissed a few more guys. Who knew? But Alex knew damn well he was being a selfish, dramatic brat, so he took another drink and nodded.
“Okay,” he repeated. “Nothing big, no expectations.” It was something at least.
Leon caught Alex’s hand when he lowered it, engulfing it in both of is, and ignoring the stares. “Hey, I’ve got expectations,” Leon said, searching Alex’s face. “I want it to work this time.”
He’d disappointed him, he knew. But Chris needed to start coming first in Leon’s life. Or at least, second only to his job. It had been two years since Chris had last spoken, and while Leon could still communicate with him with whatever one-sided telepathic communication technique they’d somehow developed, he knew that Chris couldn’t keep going like that. It was no way to live his life.
“I can talk to Chris tomorrow,” Leon said.. “Maybe the three of us can get an ice cream or something this week.”
“Leon…”
Leon used to hate the stares, but he didn’t seem to care. Maybe they’d both changed. Of course, Leon was right. Alex couldn’t just come home. Not after everything, not after he’d abandoned Chris, too.
It would have to be enough, and he could see Chris.
“Does he hate me?” Alex asked, suddenly feeling a new pang from the thought.
“I don’t think Chirs knows how to hate anything,” Leon said flippantly. “I think he probably misses you,” he ventured, though he couldn’t be sure. Chris never talked about Alex, not since Leon had told him that he’d left. Of course, it wasn’t like Leon ever talked about Alex with Chris either, and when Alex had been gone the only times Leon had brought him up was when he’d been drunk. ‘Ignore it and it’ll stop hurting’ was practically the Orcot family creed.
“I miss him, too.” He missed everything about being home. Everything else was just filler, a way to make him force the notion that he didn’t belong with Leon when he did belong. It was the only place he’d ever really belonged.
Fingers laced in with Leon’s. It was good, he thought, that Leon was setting that boundary, to make Alex wait more while still wanting to make it work. It was the not knowing when he’d stop being something tenuous, when he’d earn the right to come home again, that made him uncertain. Either way, he’d wait, until Leon either told him to come home or told him it wasn’t working. He hoped for home. And wasn’t it just fitting that he wanted desperately to be home in his dreams, too? The thing was, he never got there in his dreams, and maybe that was where his uncertainty was.
“Nothing’s been right without you,” Alex said. “Do you...want to call it anything? Or do you want to wait?” Damon hadn’t wanted labels which had suited Alex fine because Alex only ever wanted Leon and having a label with anyone else didn’t feel right.
“Do you want to call it anything?” Leon asked, raising his eyebrows. In the past, it had always been Alex who’d hesitated in calling it anything, or even being official with Leon. Leon had never been especially good at casual, non-defined relationships. Having the rules set in stone was something that he’d always found comfort in, though lately the rules of his life seemed to have been written in sand more than anything. If Alex wanted something casual, well, maybe Leon could try giving it a shot, even if he wanted something a little more concrete.
“I don’t know right now,” Alex answered, looking around again. Three words never felt so awful coming from him. The uncertainty behind everything made him hesitant to call it anything. He felt more like he was on probation or some sort of trial period before he earned the right to call it something more.
At the same time, he loved Leon and wanted to be something to him, but he’d lost that right, hadn’t he? Alex swallowed again. “I know I fucking love you and I’d marry you now if you asked, so it’s really in your court,,” he said. “I know I won’t fuck around or anything, so you can call it what you want. If you want me, I’m yours. If you’re not ready, we can just try or whatever.” His hands withdrew from Leon’s and he pushed one through his hair. “Just don’t punish me too long.”
Leon balked at the mention of marriage. Leon did want to get married, someday, maybe, what kind of red-blooded American didn’t? But he was also way too young to get married. Nowhere near ready, no matter how much he loved Alex. “I-” he started, and then swallowed, pushing the thought of his mind so he could think of other things. “I’m not going to fuck around either,” Leon said. “Let’s see how things go. If you wanted to call me your boyfriend, well, I wouldn’t exactly say no,” he added with a bit of a sheepish smile.
What Alex would call Leon, he didn’t know, but at least Leon was giving him something, probably more than he deserved. More than that, Leon was giving him that little smile and it was enough to make butter melt. Unabashed and uncaring about watchers, Alex craned forward, his fingers swiftly latching to the back of Leon’s neck to pull him slightly toward him until their mouths were touching. If he made it back home with Leon, he’d be lucky and he knew it. For now, he’d take what he could get.