Dani Moonstar's a survivor (ms_moonstar) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-10-10 06:51:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, dani moonstar (mirage), obi-wan kenobi |
Dani, I need you.
Who: Dani, Obi-Wan
What: Serious relationship talk.
When: Sunday Afternoon.
Where: At the coffee shop where they cried.
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13 for the Dark Side.
Status: Complete!
It was a little odd that Obi-Wan was as at peace with the situation as he was, which is not to say he was completely calm. It was a far far from ideal situation to be in, admitting his culpability and regret... for what felt like the hundredth time ...to the woman he loved. He sighed with each thought of her and what he had done.
And yet, he was at peace, judging not only by his even pulse and narrow pupils, but from the words that looped continually in his mind -- like a low drumbeat, the phrase of a song: Let them say that I walked in fair nature's light; And that I was loyal to truth and to right. ‘Cross The Green Mountain’. Dylan. Who else? It wasn’t a song he listened to very often. Why it played first on his iPhone on the ride over, it might very well have been fate; but he wasn’t a fan of fate. He prefered to think of it as a blessing.
Something during his meditation on the beach had made him receptive to it. It didn’t describe the man he was, but it was pretty damn close to the man he wanted to be. He would accept her judgement, even if it meant the end of the world she had set revolving within him.
The booth Dani was sitting in was a familiar booth, one she'd selected only halfway on purpose. She was already sitting in it, coffee already purchased and in her hands. She inhaled the scent of it and thought about other emotions she could ball up and let fly on the wind.
Nervousness. Fear. Meetra hadn't ever told her specifically to do those things, but being calm was the best way to approach any situation, especially this one. It was definitely better than the unbridled rage she'd felt when she'd first heard about it. When Obi had texted her she'd been less furious and simply angry, but right now she just wanted an explanation.
She resolved that whatever it was that he had to say to her, it would be enough, and simply waited for him to join her. She was early. She'd wanted plenty of time to prepare.
Obi-Wan poured milk and sugar into his coffee at the counter. Dani was out of sight, but he had a feeling she was already at the shop. He began walking toward the back and turned a corner, finding her sitting exactly where he had expected, in the same booth where they had first met to get coffee and talk about the dreams. His eyes dilated at the sight of her and remained that way as he drew closer. Greeting her with a chaste kiss seemed appropriate, and he placed one on her cheek before sliding into the booth.
"Were you waiting long?" he asked. Judging by the steamless, half-filled mug of coffee in her hands, she had been killing time.
"I was here a while, but you can't really call it waiting." Dani allowed the kiss and moved over a bit to make space for him in the seat. She wasn't sure she wanted to admit to what it was she'd been doing here so early, even though he would probably understand. Mainly, she felt a little silly for taking to the Jedi stuff so quickly.
She spun her coffee in her hands a bit, "I wanted time to meditate before you showed up."
As Obi-Wan lifted an eyebrow, it raised the corner of his mouth. The idea that Dani wanted to center herself and clear her mind before meeting seemed, to him, a good thing. And after all, where had he just come but from the same activity. "I was meditating on the beach," he said. He had taken a shower before heading over, but the scent of the ocean still lingered on his skin. "I think it was the first time I genuinely enjoyed it." The little smile on his lips remained.
"I've taken to it pretty quickly. I feel like some crazy convert to some kind of cult religion, but honestly it's just really helped. I had a lot of... anger issues. I'm still working on them. But for a few moments there I actually understood why Jedi weren't allowed attachments."
Dani avoided his eyes for the moment, choosing instead to look at her coffee. They were talking to each other easily, at least from where she was sitting. She didn't want eye contact to mess that up.
"It can compromise you," he replied straightforwardly. He was looking at her even if she wasn't looking at him. His pupils were still dilated, despite the warm light overhead. "But... they are unavoidable."
He could have given her a moment to reply, but instead, the next words slipped out. "I'm sorry, Danielle." He reached for her hand. Aside from moments of passion--or near-passion, in his case--Obi-Wan so rarely reached out for skin-to-skin contact, especially the touch of two palms.
And there he went, grabbing her hand, and making it almost impossible for her to remain completely calm. The fact that he was the one reaching out for her wasn't lost on her, and she finally brought her eyes over to rest on his.
"I want to tell you that I'm okay with all of this. That I wasn't furious beyond all reason when Meetra first let it slip. But the truth is, I was so consumed with rage that I actually thought I felt the Dark Side." Dani shook her head, and let out a bit of a sigh, "It's taken a lot of work to let that anger go. Because it doesn't solve anything. It won't fix us, and I want to fix us. I need you to at least explain."
She squeezed his hand, "Give me something. Explain something. Explain why it is you hide yourself from me. Why you don't let me see you. All of you. You already know why it's so hard for me, and you keep dodging around it, but you never just cut straight to the heart of it."
The dark centers of his eyes finally constricted. If the Force truly did bind the entire universe together, then Dani didn’t need to be a Jedi to sense the nearness of the Dark Side. He himself knew the feeling very well, not just in the great tragic moments of his life--such as when Qui-Gon and Siri had been killed--but in the formerly insignificant, day-to-day temptations to give into selfishness and despair. In fact, those were the hardest of all to turn away from.
Obi-Wan shook his head gently, his eyes still locked on hers. He felt something in his throat begin to swell and tremble, and he swallowed hard against it. He leaned a little closer towards her. "The truth is that until you, I didn't know I had another option. I grew up learning how to hide everything, what I wanted, what I needed; eventually..." He paused to swallow again. "...I suppose I became one enormous secret, as well. Maybe by accident, I'm not sure. But keeping secrets became an act of survival... or else... I thought I would cease to exist."
He took another moment to pause, as the tone of his voice became more serene and somehow grow robust at the same time. "And then you came along... I hardly knew you and suddenly I knew I wanted you, and then I realized it was because I loved you. There was this instant connection you and I had... but I didn't know how to stop being myself, or this big secret I had turned myself into. I'm not as young and flexible as I once was. I've only gotten tighter over time. Och, Years. I hadn't realized the mess I had gotten myself into, until you came along; and I... I hadn't realized there was this person beneath it all, just so desperate to claw his way out.”
It was a situation that Dani thought she ought to understand a bit better than she did. The truth was she could imagine parts of it - she'd often kept her continuing grief over her parents a secret for instance, considering herself too old to still be angry or sas over it. Still, she'd managed to keep parts of herself a mystery and still be open about the rest of herself.
She tried to imagine the kind of life he must have had up until this point, to get to the place he was, and frowned. He was older than she, and had lived that life a long time. Her main concern was if he could manage to crawl up and over this.
But she wasn't sure how to respond. And it didn't help that when he said the word 'och' it just made her insides melt. She mentally kicked herself and told herself to focus, "I'm not sure what to say. I understand some of that, but not all of that. I guess I have my own concerns and worries and things I'm trying to crawl over, but yours feel a little ... insurmountable. Can you claw your way out of this?"
He told himself it was a reasonable question, but still it rang in his ears as a surprise coming from her lips. She was a fighter. Obi-Wan wondered why this was, and the answer came as her emotions blew through his mind like a stiff breeze. She was guarding herself now. Protecting herself.
"I..." His tongue had swelled a bit. Obi-Wan pressed his teeth into the flesh and bit back his fear. Instead, he gave her hand a squeeze. His voice was low and breathy and even. "I know I have my demons. The honest answer is I don't know where I'll be with them in the future. But... I love you and I know you love me... And if you'll have me, I want to start walking that path with you. Really walking. I know that means total honesty and openness, I know I have a lot of strikes on my record, but..."
Suddenly, his tone became more urgent. "Dani, I need you. I need you. Danielle..." he sighed and took a long breath. "Without you, I'll dry up and fall apart like sand."
Like the last time they'd been here in this coffee shop, Dani found herself at war. There was the part of her that told her she was better off if they didn't get back together. She was too wary and too guarded on the inside to make it work, and so was he. He was too old and too set in his ways to change just for her.
The other part of her wondered if they couldn't work on some kind of compromise. Wasn't that what relationships were supposed to be about? And she loved him, and he knew she did, and she knew that she did, too. To really walk on the path leading off into the future with him was a thing she'd sorely wanted, before. Even when she'd been scared of where it would lead. That part of her took in his last words and melted, but the other part of her heard him and wanted to flee in terror.
Dani took a deep breath, and let it out. Fear was her enemy in this case. Scott had told her that, too. She was a warrior. Giving up the fight had never been an option, "I don't know if I want to be the sole thing that keeps you together. I think that's a lot of pressure to put on one person. And I don't know if I want to need you, because I'm terrified of what will happen when you're gone. And I always think of that. I never think of it as if. I always think of it as when."
If they were going to work through this, she had to be truthful, too, "But... I think, that that's the scared little child in me, that thinks those things. I don't want to be without you. I love you. I love you too much to leave this alone. I love you too much to stop fighting. I'm even fighting myself. You can probably sense the conflict there."
Obi-Wan’s eyes softened and took on the delicate shimmer of moisture. He wasn’t near tears, but he was deeply moved. Once, he had threatened himself with stepping aside and allowing Dani the freedom of an Obi-Wan-free life. But he hadn’t been able to convinced himself. It had been a hollow threat, because she continually drew him closer and closer, and now he had gotten to the point where losing her felt akin to leaving his heart behind on the coffee shop table.
He held her hand tighter and he nodded. “I can sense it,” Obi-Wan admitted. Discussing his powers was one of the reasons they were here today. “I can sense your feelings and... I know very intimately what I have been putting you through. It’s not fair that you can’t read mine the same way. I have no excuse for not telling you, except that I kept trampling the power down myself. It’s one I wish I didn’t have.”
Obi-Wan moved his other hand so that both were clasping hers. He felt the fresh calluses from her practice with the bow, and it made him happy to think she was working hard at it. She would always be a warrior; he still wanted to fight beside her. He felt filled to the brim with emotion, but for once he was outright refusing to beat it down. Better it pour out of him. Better it spill. He felt abuzz with electricity, like a spinning turbine. Dizzy. It might have been wrong, but he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to feel her familiar shudder in his arms..
No Jedi had ever accused Obi-Wan of lacking emotion. In fact, the trouble was that he had always felt everything so very deeply. He was trembling a little now. He tried to pull his head back together, just so he could keep talking. “Please... One more chance.”
She would have given him a thousand chances. When he asked her like that. Two thousand, even, not just one. And maybe she'd need to. Maybe there'd come a time when it would be her begging for one more chance. She wasn't perfect, either.
Like before, the one side of her that didn't to be on guard anymore beat the other side of her into submission. She slid in the booth until she was close enough to him to feel his breath on her cheek, and nodded her head.
"One more chance," She whispered, her voice rough with emotion. Then, she leaned in and kissed him, to seal the deal. She'd been dying to kiss him ever since her eyes had landed on his face, and couldn't wait any longer.
As far as he was concerned, it felt like the very first time he had ever kissed her.