If it’s for me, I’ll call it Leon, Jr. Who: Alex and Leon Orcot What: Leon gives Alex a souvenir from Fiji When: Wednesday, June 12th Where: Alex's Apartment Warnings/Rating: Low/none, some angst Status: Complete
Three weeks of getting away from it all had, apparently, been exactly what Leon needed. He’d spent the last three weeks on Fiji hiking, surfing, snorkeling, ziplining… he’d even taken Chris to the eco park so his little brother could see all the exotic wildlife on the islands. Leon had stayed active for most of his trip, but there had been a few days where he’d just laid on the beach, soaking up the sun, and hitting on the bikini clad women who were sharing the beach with him. Leon had seen Chris smile more in the last two weeks than he had in the months following Alex’s arrest and sudden departure, and he had come back feeling better and more refreshed than he had in the same amount of time.
He’d done his best not to think of anyone back home, especially not Alex or the kiss they’d shared in the hospital. Leon had tried to avoid him after that. Alex had broken his heart completely, and Leon knew, logically, that he couldn’t do that again. But despite knowing that Alex hadn’t really strayed far from his thoughts; he’d always been lurking there, just under the surface. Which was probably why, on Leon’s last day in Fiji, he picked up a wooden Mako mask, and had wrapped it up in some t-shirts so it didn’t get damaged on the flight home.
It was early evening when he’d gotten home, and he’d gone home to tuck an exhausted Chris in. Then he’d texted Alex to see if he was home and free to get together. Not very long after, he knocked on Alex’s door, sunkissed and dressed in his new Bula shirt.
Like Leon, Alex had a hard time letting go. Drowning himself in classes and work had helped until he’d gotten that money and now the money was gone and with it, so was Leon. Part of Alex hoped that they’d stay away now, but the other part of Alex held his pillow tight when he slept and missed Leon’s skin being close and warm where even his nightmares didn’t stand a chance.
A text from Leon in the middle of Alex’s rehearsal time had gone ignored until he’d gotten a break. Alex had stared at it and almost didn’t answer, but he stupidly agreed to meet with Leon. He said good night to his manager then went home and picked up the bits of laundry on the floor. He meant to shower, but the knock at the door came before he could. Grunting, Alex fixed his sweaty hair and changed out of his t-shirt into another one (which only messed up the recently shortened mop even more) and took in a breath before he pulled the door open.
Fuck. Leon looked good. Like a sun god or something. “What the hell is that?” Alex asked without even checking himself when he saw whatever Leon was holding. It was easier focus on that than on Leon himself, but apparently his nerves and confusion left his mouth unfiltered.
Leon swallowed when he saw Alex. He thought he’d prepared himself for it, but apparently he hadn’t done as good a job as he thought he had. For one, Alex’s hair was shorter now, and even though Leon had liked the long hair, he had to admit that Alex still managed to look good.
“Oh, uh,” Leon said, coming back to himself. He held up the mask so that Alex could get a better look at it. “It’s a Mako Mask,” he said. “I got it in Fiji. They’re supposed to bring good luck, and ward off evil and stuff.” Not that Leon especially believed in that garbage, but who knew with this place. Alex could use all the help he could get.
A Mako Mask.
More than that, a thoughtful gift. Exhaling, Alex rubbed an idle thumbnail against his own bottom lip and contemplated the figure of the mask in the large hand of the man he most definitely wasn’t still in love with.
Alex looked back up at Leon’s face, immediately regretting it. “Looks like you on a bender,” he noted in a teasing tone. “If it’s for me, I’ll call it Leon, Jr.” He held the door open wider, a silent invitation for Leon and Leon, Jr. to enter. Leon Jr. who could ward off evil. Very appropriate.
“Geez, I just get off a relaxing vacation and you’re telling me I still look like I’m on a bender,” Leon scoffed, stepping into Alex’s apartment. “I feel like I should be insulted.” He made his way to the couch. “It is for you,” he said. “If you wanted, I could hang it up somewhere for you.”
“So considerate,” Alex deadpanned as he went to his junk drawer for a nail he could use. He had to get under the sofa to grab a boot. This was a boot from his dreams, a relic from the second world war and it was now about to be used to hammer a nail into the wall. Alex made quick work of it, standing on the sofa on the cushion next to his ex so he could hammer the nail in. As he did, the mask was leaned against the back sofa cushion, and was hung up once the nail was secure.
After a few adjustments, Alex stepped carefully down to survey his work and the mask that was now the apartment’s prominent feature.
And…
And, just because it felt right, Alex went to Leon and leaned over him, catching the man’s mouth in a chaste kiss. “It’s the ugliest fucking thing I’ve ever seen,” he remarked with a smirk. It was as close to a thank you as he was going to give.
Leon shouldn't have let it happen, but instead of pushing Alex away like he should have if he were same, he returned the kiss. "I feel like I should be insulted that you've decided to name it after me," Leon grumbled, and then frowned. "Especially when there's already a Leon Jr."
The time was brief pause before Alex crossed to his bed to sit. “Is that so?” he asked. Had he forgotten something? Missed something? Did Leon have a kid? Did it have to do with that prick, D? Had Alex forgotten an inside joke?
For a moment, Leon thought Alex might be coming onto him, but he actually seemed confused. “Yeah, you know,” he said, raising an eyebrow and tilting his head downwards. “Leon Jr.”
“Oh.”
Maybe Alex was too dumb to feel, well, dumb, but he could only shrug and say, “Junior makes it sound small.” He paused as lounged back on his pillows. “There’s nothing Junior about it,” he added casually. They were mates now, right? Friends? Some horse shit like that? Alex could make comments like that if it pleased him. “But cheers for the thought. I’ll think about your dick every time I look at the thing.”
Leon covered his mouth with his hand to help hide the flattered grin. "Well what do you call yours then?" He was a little less flattered when Alex said he'd think about Leon's dick every time he looked at the mask, and his grin faded a little. "I should have gotten you a better looking mask," he muttered. "Or maybe just a shot glass." Now that he thought about it, weren't shot glasses the more acceptable souvenir you got for your friends? What was an acceptable souvenir for your ex anyway?
“I call it my dick, remember?” Alex said, half nonplussed. There were other words for it, of course, but never a nickname. “Fuck off, I like my mask,” he insisted. A spot of uncomfortable silence fell over Alex, a bit too thick and unwelcome for his liking. He broke it by shifting onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow and asking, “How was it? Your trip.”
Leon's lip twitched, but he figured that was probably enough dick talk for the night. The last thing he needed was to start thinking of Alex's again.
"Good," he said, taking a seat next to Alex on the bed. "I don't think they did refunds." Especially not when they were practically on the other side of the world. "It was good. I needed it, I think. You know, get away from this place and all it's shit. Not think about things for a while." Not that some things hadn't weighed on his mind nearly the whole time he was gone, but he could at least pretend not to think about them.
“Funny, that,” Alex groaned as he shifted almost instinctively closer to the man he loved who was now his friend. He settled with his arm around Leon’s torso, comfortably, like second nature, like the nights he didn’t want either of them to go to sleep and if he’d just hold on tight enough, maybe they’d both be alive in the morning. “Having to get away for a while.” Alex had to. It hadn’t been the same, but he’d had to go. “How are your dreams?” he asked as he lay his ear against Leon’s chest to listen to the steady thrum in the man’s chest.
Leon let himself lay down, unconsciously running a hand through Alex's hair. "They're alright," he said.
A few weeks before Leon had left, he'd dreamed of how his childhood best friend, the first person he'd ever been in love with, had killed his partner before turning the gun on himself, and how Leon had blamed himself for both deaths, but the less he could think of that dream, the better. His others had been more lighthearted, if they could be called that: taking D and Chris on a one week tropical vacation only to forget the whole thing, or meeting D's little sister, who was surprisingly hot, despite looking exactly like D but with tits.
"Frustrating. But alright. I haven't been shot at in them lately at least " he added with a grin, which faded with his next question. "No new ones for you?"
“Fuck off,” Alex said without conviction, digging a knuckle between Leon’s ribs, just lightly. His own smile faded at the question and he shook his head, no. It was like being lost. What the fuck happened to him after he got off that train? What happened to Tommy? Why wasn’t Tommy here? Christ, why wasn’t D here to steal Leon from Alex forever? At the thought, Alex’s fingers curled at Leon’s shirt.
He stared at a medical textbook on the coffee table. “What the fuck am I doing, Leon?” he asked, his throat closing up suddenly. “I don’t even know who I am. I don’t know what’s real.”
"Hey," Leon said, sitting up and pulling Alex up with him. Panic attacks while lying down never seemed to go well. "Hey, look at me," he said, placing a hand on either side of Alex's face and pulling it toward Leon's so he wouldn't have much choice in the matter.
"This is real. Right here. It's fucked up, but it's real. And you're Alex. You're going to school so you can help save people, you go hard for what you want and have worked your fucking ass off to turn your life around, and you're a totally hot model." Which was more than Leon could say right now: he was a cop who was apparently best friends with a criminal and was actively covering up a murder committed by his ex-boyfriend's ex, to keep his ex out of prison. But Leon was trying not to think of any of that, and had nearly succeeded in Fiji.
Fucked up didn’t even begin to cover it, but it was the only way to describe it all. Everything Alex was doing in his waking life was to stop himself from having to think about just how fucked up it all was. Part of Alex wanted to kiss Leon and make love with him all afternoon, then drink himself to sleep. The other part of him wanted to run again.
“None of it matters,” he said, his eyes wild as he stared at Leon. “Is this how it’s always gonna be, Leon? Me, fucking everything up and pretending to be smart and normal? It’s all bull shit!” He was just surviving because surviving was all Alex knew.
"You're not pretending anything, Alex. You are smart. One of the smartest people I know." Leon at least wouldn't have lasted a day in anything resembling the medical field. "And you're not fucking anything up. You just get stuck with the shit end of other people's fuck ups. I'm the one who fucked up when I dreamed of getting shot." Logan and Damon had been quick to point that out, and for that, at least, Leon couldn't blame them. "You didn't murder anyone, and you didn't cover it up afterward either. You've done nothing wrong, Alex."
“Oh, that’s fucking rubbish, Leon, and you know it!” It was his turn to take Leon’s face between his hands. They were trembling, but not too much. “I never want you to think that, don’t you ever think it’s your fault! Do you understand me, Leon?”
His breath was heavy and his gaze was going nowhere but Leon’s. Fuck, he loved Leon, so much that it was painful, all the time. Looking at him and hearing him blame himself for everything….well, it just made Alex wish he was in prison now, so Leon would know Alex loved him, enough he’d stay behind those bars if he had to. “Say that you fucking understad me, Leon. Please.”
Leon couldn’t quite hold Alex’s gaze. Alex might not believe Leon was at fault, but he’d had a duty to protect and serve everyone in the Orange County and he’d given that duty the bird when he’d decided to protect only Alex instead. He wasn’t going to take the full brunt of it; Damon was just as guilty as Leon was, even if he felt no remorse over murdering an innocent man, but Leon wasn’t blameless.
He couldn’t answer Alex truthfully, and for lack of being able to say anything else, Leon surged forward, hungrily catching Alex’s lips with his own.
Remorse was all Alex felt anymore, guilt heavy like a ton of bricks in his gut. He carried it around when he was asleep and awake. He carried it around when he worked, when he pissed, when he fucked, and he carried it now when Leon’s mouth was suddenly on his own. Alex let out a frustrated whimper and answered it without hesitation.
Fingers buried into Leon’s hair as he felt the gruff familiarity of the detective against him and tasted the masculine heat of Leon’s mouth with his tongue. It was all his own fault, he knew it. He knew a man was dead and it was because of him. He knew Leon was miserable and maybe it was a combination of things, but Alex was a big part of it. And Damon…
Abruptly, Alex released the kiss, breathing heavily, dazed as he rested his forehead against Leon’s. “We shouldn’t,” he breathed, trying to find reason in the chaos. “I want you more than anything. I want to be back home with you and Chris…” He swallowed, hard. “But I fucked it all up and none of it’s your fault. I just want you to believe that.”
For just a moment, Leon had been able to push all the shit out of his head and just focus on Alex, but when Alex’s mouth left his, it all came back, and he had to force his mind back to the present.
“You’re right,” Leon said, pulling a little further back and running his hand through his shoulder length, blond hair in an attempt to put his thoughts in order. He opened his mouth to say that he wished Alex was back at home with him too, but he couldn’t. If they both wanted it, then there’d be no reason why it wasn’t true, except for the reasons that it was, and Leon didn’t want to think of any of those. Because when it came down to it, Alex, like Chris, probably would have been better off without Leon in their lives.
“I should probably take off,” Leon said, his eyes straying to the door. “I left Chris asleep at home. He’s exhausted enough that he’ll probably sleep through the night, but I don’t want him to wake up without me there. I’d only really meant to come by to drop off the mask.” But whenever he was with Alex, he had to force himself to leave again.
“Don’t leave just because you think you can’t be around me without fucking me,” Alex insisted, because he knew that was the real reason. He could still feel Leon’s mouth and he wanted more. He needed more, but what would happen? Could they really pick up where they’d left off before Alex left? There were too many questions and Alex couldn’t just come up with an answer. Besides, Alex wanted to be single for a while and, well, they’d already had the discussion where Leon didn’t want to be friends with benefits or anything like that.
“I love you, Leon,” he reminded Leon again, but he would let Leon go for now. Just not without Leon knowing it.
“No, it’s not that,” Leon said, with a bit of a wry smile. “I really should go back. I haven’t been a very good brother lately,” he said, and then rubbed the side of his head. “Well, I guess I’ve been a fine brother. I haven’t been a very good guardian lately. Being stuck for three weeks on an island with him really brought home how little I’ve been around for him back home.” Chris spent more time being shuffled from babysitter to babysitter so that Leon could go to work and get drunk than he spent at home, and Leon was hoping to change that now that he was back.
He bit his lip and hesitated. “I love you too,” he said, which definitely didn’t make leaving any easier. He slipped on his shoes, and then turned back to Alex. It felt shitty leaving right after Alex had had such a breakdown. “You wanna come over tonight? I don’t have much in the way of food because, you know, vacation, but I could probably whip us up a couple of coffees or something. Make them a little Irish. Play some cards.”
As Leon moved from him, Alex felt that rush of cold again. Tonight, he’d be able to smell Leon on his pillow and maybe at least that would help. He was still shaking a little and his eyes were still darting around the room when Leon asked him to come over. Alex stared at Leon, a little confused.
“No,” was his almost immediate response. “I should get some stuff done for rehearsals.” Yeah, he needed to go over some sheet music and mark some things he was having problems with. That was it. Had he even told Leon he was going to be in a musical? Did it even matter? The real reason was, if he went and everything felt like it had before everything went to shit, then what would happen? Alex didn’t need the false hope and neither did Leon, but most especially, Chris didn’t.
Leon’s eyebrows came together in confusion. “Rehearsals?” he echoed. Did models have rehearsals? Why was this the first time he’d ever heard of them.
Well, it was more likely that Alex was just cooking up excuses to not go with him, like the time the Orange County had made him kiss Veronica and he’d run away saying something about Chris leaving the oven on. “Well, take care,” he said. “Leon Jr. here’ll try to keep you safe,” he jerked his thumb toward the mask, “but if you need anything, just… call me alright?”
There they were, slipping right back into it. It was easier for Leon than it was for Alex who was still trying to sort everything that had happened this afternoon out. Now he just wished Leon would go and stop trying.
He gave a shrug. “Sure, mate,” he answered. “Thanks for the mask.” Leon, Jr., the Dick, would stay exactly where he was.