Jemma Simmons is a terrible liar (needanewplan) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-06-09 11:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, cisco ramon (vibe), jemma simmons |
Who: Cisco and Jemma
What: Jemma has to send Cisco home to deal with his trauma
When: May 1st
Where: The Agency
Warnings: Low
Status: Log | Complete
How are you?
Tired of that question.
Are you okay?
How many times do I have to say I’m fine?
Were the typical responses Cisco had come up with when asked about what happened. He didn’t want to talk about it. More like he didn’t know how. Barry had been by to visit him more than once to try to get him to talk, but Cisco hadn’t budged. He only got more frustrated and tried to push it down. Tried to work on the next project, even when it lead him into the weekend. He worked straight through and now it was Wednesday. The middle of the week and he hadn’t taken a single day off over a week now.
He wasn’t sleeping well either, but ran fine enough on caffeine. He’d thrown another busted communicator idea into a scrap heap for the third time out of frustration. A beaker he’d been using along with said experiment thrown along with it. Both items shattered in the scrap heap. He was angry. He’d been angry since the kidnapping but didn’t realize just how much so until he was standing in front of the pile of scrap metal in frustration and glaring down at it. None of this stuff was working right.
If only he could do that to all the pent up confusion in his head. Vaporize it away and he’d be golden. Instead he settled on landing a solid kick to it.
---
When Jemma had agreed to letting Cisco come back to work right after being kidnapped, there had been stipulations. Because she was the type who did work through things by getting back to work. Okay, so Daisy also said her perchance for compartmentalization and taking a rational approach could end up blowing up in her face as well and she was seeing that in the Dreams. But as a rule, she knew that each person was different and if Cisco had felt that getting back to work was going to help him? She’d give the okay so long as it actually was helping.
But it had been a week and a half. And while no one expected him to be completely over it (how could he be?), it was also becoming clear to the biochemist that it wasn’t doing any good. No one could be cheerful all the time, but most people didn’t actually know what happened. All they knew was that Cisco was acting differently, which led to concern and just wanting to make sure. And when it was prolonged and was making things tense for everyone? Something clearly needed to be done.
Jemma had been heading to the engineering lab just to check in, but if there had been any doubt before? Seeing Cisco just kicking things on the ground and destroying Agency property?
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Jemma let out a slow breath.
“You need to go home. This clearly isn’t working out right now.”
Not as eloquent as she would have liked but it rarely was.
---
He hadn’t set out to be hostile or angry when he left this morning, but he hadn’t set out to do a lot of things he’d done lately. None of them very good or healthy. He didn’t know how to talk about it all, He just forced it down instead, but that didn’t work for him. He wasn’t the type. His heart was on his sleeve and he couldn’t help it.
Jemma.
Eyes raised from the pile of metal things for a moment back up to the other scientists, and back down to the pile. “...How long?” He didn’t fight it. He knew she wasn’t wrong. He hadn’t taken a single day off since returning to work and somehow this seemed like a good idea?..The lines were blurred between good ideas and bad. Anger and non.
He had a lot of it, and anger wasn’t something he was used to dealing with. It was a spiral and he was trapped in the middle.
---
Luckily for Cisco, the other scientists were walking in the hallway. Visible through windows but otherwise they were alone. Honestly, it was much better than the time she had needed to send Cosima home after she had lashed out. This was definitely one of the parts she didn’t necessarily like about being in charge. But it was necessary.
And Jemma was thankful that Cisco wasn’t going to fight her on this. For some people, just burying things in their work did help but given how talkative and open Cisco was? It really wasn’t all that surprising that trying to do so wasn’t helpful at all.
“I suppose it depends. For now I will say take the rest of the week and come back in on Monday but even that will be on a probationary basis. I’d really prefer you actually talk to someone about this, though. To help you sort things out and get some more solid footing again. Professional or those who have their own experience,” Though she had a feeling that those involved in the rescue mission would suggest professional help, “Ideally before I have to make it a requirement.”
--
Talk to someone. Cisco winced at the idea. He was nervous to do so, talking about it meant finding words to match the awful feelings he felt lately. He mostly just wanted them to go away. But they weren’t. He couldn’t help but to keep his eyes anywhere but up. He felt bad. Just all around bad.
“Okay.” A simple response, he accepted her requests, It was’t his place to argue them unless he wanted to potentially lose all this. He knew that. He didn’t want to argue anyway. “I’m sorry..I thought I could just..I don’t know.” He was struggling with words often lately. He could still function with a project in front of him, but in times where there was nothing? He faltered. Spaced out or snapped at some unfortunate person nearby.
“I just wanted to be normal.” He didn’t feel normal at all, right down to the shiny new powers.
--
Talking to someone wasn't always going to be easy, however it clearly was necessary in this. Even so, while Jemma had said that she would prefer him talk to a professional, she did leave the opening for someone else just so Cisco could actually process what happened.
As he started to apologize, Jemma sighed. She was all too familiar with the mindset so she wasn't surprised. Especially as he mentioned wanting to be normal.
“I know, it's why I was willing to let you come back right away. But it's not helping so…” so he needed to take the time and talk to someone.
“It's hard, believe me, I know.” More than she liked to admit, “but if you don't actually process what happened? It's only going to get worse so it's not just snapping at someone or kicking things.”
---
He knew she was right about that, so he didn’t argue or fight it. He wasn’t one much for arguing as it was, so he could accept what she had to say pretty easily either way. Even if it wasn’t easy to hear.
“I don’t know what to think.” And therein lie the problem, he couldn’t think properly unless he had a project in his hands. Once he ran out of projects or things to play with there was nothing but chaos in his mind and it spiraled in all directions. Ebbing out into his personal life which wasn’t great lately, it’d been filled with quite a bit of loneliness since Stiles had found someone to occupy his time with. Cisco often found himself coming home to an empty house, even after everything. He wasn’t the best at reaching out using words to do so, and it just piled up on him mentally.
“A week seems like forever.” He gave a strained sort of smile, but nodded. “What does probation involve? “ Did it mean shorter weeks? Shorter days? He had no idea.
--
“That I can’t help you with, unfortunately.” She wasn’t a professional. Plus, it wasn’t like telling someone what to think was something that was just...done. That was something Cisco needed to figure out himself. And one of the reasons she wanted him to seek professional help. They could play sounding board and just let Cisco say whatever he needed to and work through things in ways that would work for him.
Even so, it was good he saw the reasoning and wasn’t fighting it. Some people would and honestly it would just make things worse.
“I know.” Her forced administrative leave had been hell even if she had needed it, and it had been longer.
“For one, no coming in every day of the week,” Yes, she was all too aware of that fact, “We’ll see if either shorter days or fewer days works better.” She was willing to see what worked best and work with Cisco, but there were going to be limitations in place as Cisco worked on things so that he could get better.
--
It was more rhetorical anyway so he gave a little shrug. “I know. It’s just..a lot.” He made a wave of his hand as if to indicate she really didn’t have to respond to that either. He knew she was right, so there was no point in fighting her. He was trying to do the whole moving on thing, but Cisco wasn’t good at emotions. Hiding them, or lying, or anything like that would only weigh down on him further as it was doing.
“...I got a lot done? We have no prototype comm links. Or well, at least a few.” But all he’d been doing is work. He wasn’t making time for other things like actually having a life. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I like it here.” He didn’t currently like home, but he didn’t go into that part.
---
No comment was given, just a nod of the head at Cisco saying it was a lot. There was something to be said about compartmentalizing things, and something to be said about feeling things. There was no simple answer and it was why a professional should be sought out.
“For now.” Bursts of productivity were all well and good, but at some point it would falter. And that was without worrying about Cisco snapping more than he already had.
“And it will still be here. But you can't always be here. It’s not healthy.”
---
He gave a slight wince at that, but nodded to the comment of the fact that it would still be there. “So I’m not fired?” She could have fired him. He might have fired him. There were lesser reasons to do so, but Cisco had been trying to become a more reliable employee lately. He liked working there, he was able to accomplish many things without much direction. Not often did jobs have that sort of freedom. The hospital didn’t. He was under a strict thumb there. Rules and time sheets and restrictions
Had he been dealing with his powers there, chances were he’d have been fired. It was just reality. He glanced over at his desk for a moment, scanning the area for his backpack. It was beside his chair, waiting for when he’d initially been set to go home later that evening He didn’t have much to get, but he didn’t want to forget.
---
The question was met with a startled blink. It made sense of course. But someone dealing with something traumatic that had happened? Hardly a fireable offense. And just because Jemma was good at separating the personal from the professional, she wasn’t just going to fire someone because of being short and overworking themselves to avoid their trauma.
“Hardly. If everyone who went through something and reacted poorly while at work in an attempt to just move forward without doing the actual work of dealing with it, then most everyone here would have been fired at some point already. Myself included.”
Not her proudest moment but it was what it was.
“I just want you to actually take care of yourself and I can see the current way of things isn’t doing that.”
---
He nodded to that. “People get fired for less.” Was the response, but he actually did smile a little. “Just means I found the right place finally I think.” At least one thing was going right in his life just then.
“I’ll see you next week...and try not to be like this anymore.” He didn’t like it. Being angry all the time wasn’t exactly his idea of a great time either. Everything was harder, even creativity and that was his outlet. Cisco went toward his desk and slipped a tablet into his backpack. “I’ll see if I can get a ride home.” He didn’t really feel up to taking Uber for a half an hour. Maybe Stiles would be good enough to pick him up.
---
It was true that people got fired for less, but while there were those at the Agency who didn’t Dream or deal with the dangers of Orange County to such an extent, most people were and that meant that they were far less likely to fire someone for reacting to things that happened to them. Especially if it was clear that they did want to get help and better and just needed the push.
So Jemma just nodded as Cisco said that it just meant he finally found the right place. There was something to be said about that as well.
“I’ll see you next week. And so long as you find someone to talk to and start working through things, that will be good and beneficial in the long run.” Because it wasn’t something that changed overnight. But doing the work to move on? That was the important thing.
“Of course.” Smiling to Cisco reassuringly, Jemma turned and left the engineering lab to go check on other projects that were being worked on in other labs.
---