padme_n (padme_n) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-04-24 11:50:00 |
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Entry tags: | anakin skywalker, padme amidala |
Who: Padmé Naberrie and Anakin Skywalker
What: Watching movies and talking about life aka Padmé calling Anakin out on his crap
When: A week before the earthquake
Where: Padmé's apartment
Rating: Green
Status: Complete when posted
"Okay, so I have thoughts," Padmé announced, pointing at the end credits of Top Gun . "Number one: why does everyone have a nickname? Is this a military thing? Or am I just salty that I've reached 28 years of age and have never had a nickname?" It actually was something she'd only just realized too. Her entire family called her by her first name...occasionally by her second name, but never anything shorter. When she was younger, she'd always toyed with being called Ami because it seemed cute (and was French for friend, which she thought was appropriate) but her parents were adamant that they had given her a name, and that was the name she was sticking with.
So Padmé it was -- a Sanskrit name for a family with zero connections to east Asia. Wonderful.
"And number two: this song is not Oscar worthy, but damn if it's not catchy."
“Everyone gets a nickname in the military,” Anakin said, only kidding, and it clearly showed. Sometimes people had nicknames, sometimes not. Sometimes it was comradery, sometimes it was ridicule.
“My last name is a nickname enough.”
And then he balked. “But everything about this movie is Oscar worthy. How can you say that?” Here he was half joking.
"True, that volleyball scene was definitely robbed of its gold statue," Padmé teased, lightly punching Anakin in the arm. The real one, that is. She would probably break her hand punching the robotic one.
"And Skywalker is a good last name, nickname thing. Naberrie isn't. I think I'm always going to be doomed to be Padmé. Even my middle name sounds so formal. Amidala." She made a face. "I have no idea what my parents were thinking."
The smile on Anakin's face fell for a moment when Padme questioned her parents' naming decisions.
Because we belong to a different universe.
He covered his drop in levity by getting up to retrieve the blue ray disk. Yes, he had the movie in every form of media. By the time he was sitting back down his smile was back.
But he didn't say what he was thinking. Someday, maybe they would have a chance to talk about that. Just not right now. Instead he said, "I like your name. What nickname do you want?"
Padmé gave a small shrug. "Like I said, I've never thought of one before. I would hate to have an ironic nickname, like Giant or Biggun." She smiled, her tongue peeking out between her teeth.
The movie night had gone well. Padme was happy for that. Every since her new set of dreams, she'd been worried about what it would feel like, knowing more about him. It wasn't different at all though.
"I had some more dreams," she blurted out. "I'm getting more of a sense of things...Ani." Using his space nickname was a risk, but she wanted to see what he would say. If he would push her away again.
He was twirling the blue ray case in his hands without even thinking about it. But her comment made him stop. He stopped spinning the case. That smile was gone again and he wasn't trying to get it back.
After a moment he said quietly, "Which ones?"
"Tatooine," she admitted. "From when we first met. You were small."
And a slave. Padme could see why Anakin was the way he was, with that kind of dream upbringing.
She noted how upset he looked and she squirmed a bit uncomfortably. "I'm sorry, should I not have said anything? I thought it was a good memory, well, not everything but us... we're friends. There and here. It was nice to have that memory.."’
“No,” Anakin shook his head, trying to put on a lighter expression. “You can say it. You can say whatever you want.. It’s just-”
Meeting Padmé was a nice memory, but the thousands of days before that were decidedly not nice. They were brutal. And he couldn’t separate one moment from the rest of the other. They were all a part of him.
He couldn’t think about his mother without his brain conjuring a dream memory of watching Watto harm her. He couldn’t make new memories with his mother – she was dead now. That meeting with Padmé was the same – he couldn’t think of that without also thinking about all of Tatooine.
“I’m happy we’re friends here, and I know for you it is a good memory, but… for me, everything on Tatooine is all wrapped up together. And there aren’t many good memories. It’s not your fault or anything--bring up one memory everything just also comes with it.”
Padme nodded with understanding. The second she had let it slip, she knew it was a mistake. How could there be any joy when you were brought up as a slave? In servitude with a horrible master? She could still hear Watto's voice, demeaning and refusing to allow Shmi to be free.
"I can see why you'd rather we never discuss the dreams at all. The more I learn, the more I regret bringing things up. Anakin," she shifted in her seat to face him. "I don't want to make you hurt and I feel like that's all I ever do when we talk. Maybe ....maybe we shouldn't be friends..." She trailed off, and looked down. The words had just fallen out, and she realized it was the absolutely last thing she wanted. It was just she felt so bad every time she brought up a bad memory.
"I don't want you to feel bad."
That wasn’t the only reason he didn’t want to bring them up, specifically with Padmé. He didn’t want to cross a boundary that might only be visible to him right at this moment.
“No,” he said immediately. Maybe even too eagerly? “No. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. You don’t make me feel bad.
“I’ve seen Naboo, it’s a very peaceful place. Your dreams sound so much better than mine. Even the dreams we have about each other. It is easier to just not talk about my dreams. I want to talk about my dreams.” He’d tried using the network, like everyone else did. One dream had made him particularly upset and he wrote about it. And then everyone promptly freaked out. So he hadn’t tried it again.
“I know how talk therapy works and its benefits, but I can’t bring this to my therapist at the VA. She’d think my meds were messing with my perception with reality and cut me off, or something. And we know I’d just end up at the circus if that happened.”
A weak smile flickered across his face.
Padme gave a little laugh. "Are you sure you won't reconsider the circus dream? I've always wanted to learn how to do the trapeze..." She stretched out her arms above her head and smiled. "I'd be good at it, I think."
And because she knew it was unavoidable, she went back to what he said earlier. "I have no bad memories of Naboo. My planet is peaceful, and relaxed. My people love me, I served them well, and I did everything I could to ensure peace reigned." She gave an apologetic smile. "Honestly, it wasn't until the trade federation situation that I really experienced any significant strife, and even at that, I had Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, and well... you to help me out. I was never alone, and I could feel that."
She gave a shrug. "Also, I guess my parents were far more supportive in my other life. Sister too. We were all very close. Who knows -- maybe we would have been that close if I'd done what they asked me to do and gone into politics here."
All of this made Anakin uncomfortable. Except the circus. He would have been fine talking about that. But he didn’t want to talk about his dreams. And he wasn’t sure he could comment about Padmé’s current family.
“I’m sorry your family is like that,” he said. But then he smiled, “You seem like a likable person. Are you only nice around me?”
Padme gave Anakin a swat on the arm. "Anakin! I AM a likable person! I'm just not the daughter my parents wanted." And she was honestly in a good place with that, so it didn't bother or offend her at all. "Sola, she's now the dream child. She's studying law actually, so that she can get into politics, which makes minimal sense to me."
But it wasn't her life anyways, so what did she care?
"Sometimes, I think about going back to school. Doing something different...but I really love my job. I love the freedom of having your own business, I like being able to set my own hours, and I love that it's right on the beach, so I can go anytime I want. There's just something about digging your toes into the sand that's amazing."
“Then your parents need to readjust their idea of ‘daughter’,” he said while he good-naturedly rubbed his arm.
He reached for the bowl of popcorn and grabbed a handful. He was following Padme until the very end.
“Sorry,” he shook his head, “But you’re wrong. Sand is the worst.”
"Sand is the best. When the top is warm from the sun, but underneath it's all cool and damp." She gave him another light punch on the arm, moving closer to him. "How can you live in desert country without liking sand?"
"Sand and electronics and machines," he lifted his hand. "Don't mix." But he was demonstratively not put out.
"Besides, 'sand' wasn't what brought me out here."
Padme had to agree: he did have a point.
"Well, what did bring you here then?" She angled herself so she was staring at him. "Fame? Fortune? Love? When people move, it's usually one of the three." She was being cheeky but also a little curious. It would be nice to know about Anakin. He tended to be equal parts open and vague, so that she felt she knew him but didn't really know him.
"I didn't want to lose another hand," he said, tossing some popcorn into his mouth.
Padme couldn't help it -- her jaw dropped and she lifted her hands in protest. "Really? That's the answer you're giving me?" Huffing a little, she settled back onto her side of the couch, her arms crossed her chest "Don't think I haven't caught what you're doing by the way, with all this ..this posturing." Turning her head to look at him, she narrowed her eyes. "You keep asking me questions and I answer them as honestly as I can, but then when it's your turn, you're vague or you turn it into a joke. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes, Anakin. Open up just for the sake of opening up."
Anakin's eyebrows rose in an amused sort of challenge. It would take more than that to get him to take down the bricks he'd built around his heart. It's not that he didn't like Padme. But that this was all ephemerial. Blink and it will be gone. Being stuck in Italy as mother died had altered him.
And of course, there was the problem with his memories, his shared memories with Ahsoka and Padme. And maybe he, this person he knew has himself now, would be gone before long, too.
"But I am telling the truth! I was offered a job here or in Florida buuuut... I knew that if I encountered an alligator, I'd want to touch it. And those things bite," he chuckled. "Real hard. It was all down to risk factors."
What he wasn't saying was why he only had one hand left to lose, why he hadn't stayed in Arizona. Why he didn't talk about his family--because there was no family. There was Ahsoka, but he had met her here. They hadn't grown up together on Earth.
"You're telling part of the truth. You know what this kind of conversation is called?" She turned to face him again, her legs crossed but her hands animatedly talking. "Cocktail conversation. It appears, on the surface, to be a meaningful conversation, but really, it's full of little tidbits that maybe answer the question without actually answering a question. As the daughter of a politician, I've learned how to small talk my way through any conversation. I'm sitting here, watching a movie with you because I want to know you. And I thought you wanted that too."
"Cocktail conversation?" This really amused Anakin. "That sounds so high class. I didn't know I could fit into that category."
He slowed his consumption of popcorn, taking in Padme's reminstrations
"You know most people watch a movie to watch a movie." Oh he knew he would pay for that and he held up his hands to signal surrender and peace before he would get flayed alive.
"Alright- okay- three questions. I'll answer as honestly as I can."
Padme just rolled her eyes. "You're such a joker... and no, I don't want that. I want an actual conversation that isn't you deflecting. Questions are questions......" She sighed and leaned back on the couch, arms crossed while she debated his response. Knowing Anakin, he'd rescind his offer and they'd be back to infuriating discussions.
"Fine. Here's just one: do you actually like hanging out with me? "
She could be difficult too.
“Yes.”
But I shouldn’t. This he kept to himself. It wasn’t lying, but it wasn’t as if he could explain the truth and reason of what he was holding back, either.
“You picked an easy one.” But it would be easier for us if I didn’t want to. “Why would I hang out with someone I don’t like?”
He went back to eating popcorn.
“Try something harder.” He gestured, “Go ahead.”
She huffed a little bit and brushed a curl out of her face. Another question. Harder. Fine.
"What was your childhood like? Here, not in our Dreamland."
The question slipped out before she could really process it, and then she felt immediately bad.
"You don't have to answer that," she quickly added. "I know it was bad. Never mind. Tell me one of your favourite memories instead."
That question did wipe the smile off Anakin’s face. And he supposed he should have seen that coming.
His childhood wasn’t all bad, his mother had loved him and had tried to provide for them the best she could. But poverty was a condition that shape a person’s life. There were things he did, habits he had that stemmed from his formative years, ones he didn’t even realize he was doing.
That suit Padme and Thomas had him buy for the wedding was not only the first suit he’d ever owned, but probably the first brand new article of clothing he’d bought since becoming a civilian. He just didn’t think about needing or wanting something that wasn’t second hand.
No one wanted to hear about the struggles of poverty, though. So he kept the details of his life to himself.
He was grateful Padme changed the question.
“My mom took me to see the Blue Angels when I was six. They were the coolest thing I’d ever seen, you know, up to that point. But I knew then I wanted to be a pilot.”
"My dad took me to see them once," Padme remembered fondly. It wasn't often that she had one-on-one time with him, considering how much he travelled, but the Blue Angels was something he really wanted her to experience.
"I mean, it didn't make me want to join the military. It did make me think these are special people, ones who could do something I never could. It's amazing you knew your dream at six. And you achieved it. That's wonderful."
“It was,” Anakin said.
Because he couldn’t fly now. FAA wouldn’t license anyone missing a limb – commercial or private. No prosthetic manufactured on Earth right now could replace the functionality of a natural limb. There was no tricking anyone one the licensing board that he had two completely functional arms without revealing what his dreams had given him. And that would subject him to some unwanted scrutiny.
This was what honesty from Anakin was, he had held all he could have ever wanted and then had to watch it slip away, holding only memories with a lifetime ahead of him left to live. And he knew that was the story his dreams would show him again.
No one wanted to give room for that kind of truth.
“You still have one more question,” he said, not missing a beat, all back to impish smiles.
Padmé gave a sigh and leaned back on the couch, a small smile on her face. "These questions on demand are hard. How am I supposed to know what I want to know before I know it?" She wrinkled her nose. "And now I'm confusing myself....isn't there something you want me to answer?"
She trailed a finger on the edge of the couch, looking away for a moment while she tried to formulate a question.
"Alright. Last question. What's the number one thing on your bucket list? Something you want to achieve or see but haven't got there yet?"
“That’s easy,” he said. “I don’t have a bucket list. If I want to do something,” he shrugged. “I just do it.
“You know, as long as it’s not hurting anyone.”
Padmé gave a huff and rolled her eyes as she reached for her popcorn. Throwing some kernels at Anakin, she got up off the couch and turned to face him, hands on her hips. "You are the most infuriating person I've ever met, Anakin Skywalker. You're just lucky that I have no other friends," she teased.
"Just for that, you're stuck watching Labyrinth with me. Be prepared for an uncomfortable two hours of wondering why you aren't as amazing as David Bowie."