Alex Manes (notamanesman) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-04-07 14:25:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alex manes, michael guerin |
Who: Alex Manes & Michael Guerin
What: Alex needs an apartment, Michael's helping him look
When: April 6th, afternoon
Where: ~Around
Rating/Warnings: PG13 (Intimations of homophobia, brief punching-related violence, boy!kissing)
Status: Complete
It had been a long week for Michael. Which was unusual. For the most part, Michael just took life day by day. Worked on cars, had some drinks, repeat. It was a simple life but it worked for him. However this week Michael had something to look forward to. Helping Alex find an apartment. And just seeing Alex in general. Ever since their dinner, Michael had to refrain himself from contacting Alex. Which was easier said than done when the guy hadn’t left his mind since he walked back into Michael’s life only a week ago.
But now it was the weekend finally. Michael drove over to Alex’s dad’s place. He still remembered where it was from high school. Though he didn’t spend much time over there. Only a few occasions when Alex’s dad wasn’t home. But still, it was burned in Michael’s memory. Just like every other damn thing about Alex Manes.
He parked his truck on the street right out front and made his way to the door. Michael knocked a few times, anxiously waiting to see Alex again.
Alex had made sure to keep off his feet for most of the day; he’d showered and changed and made sure that he was at least looking presentable. His hair needed a trim, that was for damn certain but it could wait. It was nice not having to keep it trim and short for rules and regs.
“Hang on,” he called, stuffing his wallet into his pocket and grabbing his keys off the table as he walked over to the door. He knew it would be Michael; Kyle wasn’t likely to be free and they had agreed to go apartment hunting. Like he’d have forgotten. He’d been thinking about it since they’d talked. He’d been thinking about a lot of things.
Pulling the door open, Alex was proud that he hardly flinched when he stepped out of the house and down the small step leading with his right leg.
He smiled, swaying briefly into Michael’s orbit before he caught himself, turning to shut and lock the door. “Hey,” he greeted. “Thanks for this, I mean, coming apartment hunting. It’s not the most fun way to spend a weekend.”
“Hey,” Michael said noticing that Alex didn’t have his crutch. He debated for a moment whether or not to bring it up but ultimately decided against it. He knew Alex well enough to know he wouldn’t want the attention on his leg.
“No problem,” his eyes locked onto Alex’s for a brief moment. He could almost feel the electricity between them. Michael bit down on his lower lip before turning to lead Alex to his truck. Good thing he parked close considering Alex wasn’t using his crutch.
“Besides,” Michael continued. “If it means you’ll be sticking around?” he glanced back over at Alex. “I’m happy to help.”
Alex chuckled, following Michael over to the truck and doing his best not to notice how his jeans sat, or how that swagger that had captured his imagination as a teenager was just as present now as it was then. Or how he hadn’t missed the way Michael bit his lip briefly, and how his own gaze had tracked down to look at it.
Definitely not.
“Awful invested in me staying in OC, Guerin,” he teased as he pulled the passenger door open and climbed in, fingers rubbing at the scar hidden by his hair just behind his left ear. He didn’t know why; he’d left and they’d fallen out of touch and as much as Michael made him want in a way almost no one else had, Alex really wasn’t good material for betting on right now.
Shifting, lifting his hips, Alex pulled a slip of paper out of his back pocket and passed it over. He was actually really grateful that Michael was driving. He wasn’t confident yet behind the wheel fully, and he knew that would take time, too, just like everything else when Alex was getting impatient.
“Here, these are the viewings I managed to get, think we can hit them all?”
He was invested in Alex staying. Michael didn’t see the point in hiding it either. There weren’t that many people that Michael truly cared about. And even after all this time, Alex was one of them. Michael still felt that connection between them. But he tried to tell himself it was just in his head. He had to tell himself that. Otherwise, he would end up taking Alex right then and there.
Michael walked around the front of the truck, climbing into the driver seat. “Yeah,” he said looking over at Alex again, unable to keep the intensity out of his tone… and eyes. “I am.”
When Michael took the paper from Alex he let his hand linger on the other guys longer than he should have. But he couldn’t help himself. He missed Alex’s touch. Feeling that hand on his skin, in his hair.
He needed to stop. Michael focused on the paper instead of pushing thoughts of what they had in high school out of his head. “Damn,” Michael commented. “You planning on looking at every available apartment in the county?” he teased setting the paper down and buckling up. “We can probably through most of them,” he assured, putting the truck in drive and pulling away from Alex’s house.
Alex shifted again under the intensity of Michael’s gaze. He couldn’t even look at him properly, the fact that Michael still looked at him like he was something worthy, something important… it was a lot. Alex had never really deserved that, the reverence behind Michael’s eyes, but he’d had it. For the brief that time they were together before and… and apparently even now.
It didn’t make him feel uncomfortable so much as it made him feel… unworthy..
His hand tingled from where they’d touched, the lingering brush of fingertips having sent a spark up his arm like a static shock but better. He wet his lower lip and rested his hands on his thighs, restlessly plucking at the fabric of his jeans before he just laced his hands together to stop him doing something stupid like reaching out for Michael, catching his hand and holding it.
“I’m casting a wide net,” Alex said, cheeks catching a little at the affectionate tease, “The laws of probability are on my side, man.”
Michael gripped the steering wheel tighter than was normal. But it was keeping his hand from reaching out for Alex. At least driving gave him something else to focus on.
“Laws of probability say you’ll end up with three places at this rate,” Michael joked keeping his eyes on the road. He couldn’t glance back over at Alex. Not right now. It would be too distracting.
The drive didn’t take too long. Michael parked the car at the first place climbing out and walking over to the passenger side, to wait for Alex. He wasn’t going to hold the door open for him or anything like that. This wasn’t a date. And even if it was holding doors open wasn’t Michael’s thing. “Alright,” Michael said clapping his hands together. “Let’s check it out.”
Alex chuckled, “Three places are better than none?” He gave Michael a toothy grin that didn’t stay put for long but it was there in a bright flash. “Which is what I have right now.”
When they pulled up at the first place, Alex hesitated before pushing the door open, climbing out of the truck. It didn’t look quite like it had in the pictures, but maybe it would look better once they got inside? It was still an apartment building but it was a second-floor place, so not too many stairs that he didn’t think he’d struggle once the healing process was over. It was only meant to take another year or so for everything to settle.
“You’re not meant to be even the tiniest bit excited by the prospect of apartment hunting, you know,” Alex teased, bumping Michael’s shoulder affectionately before moving past him, shoulders back and standing tall. He was glad that Michael had come with him, though, it made the whole prospect seem...less intimidating. And it would be good to spend more time with the guy, Alex still felt a sense of turbulence around him and he needed to work out how to not so that they could just… be. Friends or whatever. He didn’t want to lose touch again or keep Michael at arm’s length. He didn’t want to do that to anyone he was close to, Liz or Kyle either. But especially not Michael.
But that was something to unpack for another day. He pushed the door open and looked back at the slightly taller guy, errant curls distracting him for a split second as he itched to push his fingers into them and hold on for dear life. “After you.”
Michael on the other hand, didn’t particularly want to be friends with Alex. He wanted more than that. A fact he was already well aware of. But if friends was all Alex wanted then Michael would take it. It beat having Alex out of his life. He knew that from the past ten . It wasn’t exactly like they were miserable. He had gotten a steady job, made a life for himself. It had just felt like there was always something missing. Now he knew what that something, or more specifically someone, was.
“I’m excited by the prospect of you getting your own place,” Michael clarified. He wasn’t just excited that getting a place meant Alex would be around for a while. He was also excited for Alex. Michael had a feeling Alex had never really had a place of his own before. With going into the military right after high school and all. It was a big deal. Michael still remembered how he felt when he first got his trailer.
Michael raised a brow as Alex held the door open for him but didn’t make a comment. Inside the landlord led them up the stairs to the apartment. Michael couldn’t help but glance over at Alex several times as they made their way up that one flight of stairs, worried about his leg.
Alex was only the tiniest bit ashamed to admit that he used the moment of Michael going in first to let his eyes drop. It might have only been a second, and the instinctual reaction was that his felt his lips curl up into an appreciative smile but he quickly focused on other things, like realising that the stairs were a little steeper than he’d been anticipating, so his fingers curled tightly around the bannister as he followed Michael up, doing his best not to take advantage of the view - partly because Michael kept looking back at him with a little worry crease between his brows and he didn’t want to get caught staring at Michael’s ass this early on in the day.
“It’ll be nice to have somewhere-” he cut himself off, clearing his throat as he hit the landing, about forty seconds after Michael, taking a moment to breathe through the sharp pain in the lower half of his leg. He could make it work if he waited out the painful healing period. It was only one flight of stairs.
He smiled at Michael, reached out and patted his back - between his shoulder blades - and his touch lingered for longer than it really needed to, feeling the warmth Michael radiated through his clothes. He opened his mouth to say something and thought better of it, touch sliding away as he headed towards the apartment that they’d come to view. “C’mon, should be less painful after we get this first one outta the way.”
Michael wouldn’t have minded if Alex kept his hand there all day. Even just a pat on the back sent shocks of electricity throughout his body. Man, he had missed Alex and his touch even more than he realized. It left him wanting more. But Michael knew this wasn’t the time or place. Plus he still wasn’t sure of what Alex even wanted. The last thing Michael wanted to do was scare Alex off and out of his life.
He gave Alex one more look, trying to keep the concern off his face. He could tell that Alex was hurting but knew the guy was too proud to admit it. And definitely wouldn’t want to be questioned on it.
The apartment was nice enough but didn’t really feel like Alex. And Michael had to admit he didn’t like the idea of Alex having to walk up those stairs every day. After that one, they checked out a few more. Michael looking over at Alex almost constantly. Sometimes with concern about his leg. But most of the time just that look the one he always seemed to give Alex. It wasn’t just looking at him. It was really seeing him. Honestly, Michael didn’t know how to look at the guy any other way.
By the time they got to the sixth apartment though, Michael could tell Alex’s leg was really bothering him. Michael was doing his best not to make a big deal of it. He knew Alex wouldn’t want that. But he remained close, in case Alex needed that extra support. Plus he just liked being close to Alex. Less than an inch and they would be touching. It took everything for Michael not to reach out and grab the guy’s hand as the landlord showed them the apartment, though he kept looking back at Alex and Michael with a worried look on his face.
Alex knew, logically, it was too soon to be referring to ‘every time Michael looked at him’, but honestly, every time he caught Michael looking at him - through him, exposing him and stripping him of everything he’d built over the last ten years to keep himself safe - Alex felt like they were back in Michael’s foster home, or they were back in his room, sneaking kisses and sitting in perpetual fear that Jesse Manes was going to return home at any second and find them. He always knew anyway, somehow, probably the goofy grin that refused to leave Alex’s face (that he’d always managed to lie to Liz and Kyle about, because the fewer people that knew the safer it was for them all).
The longer they’d been walking around these places - and none of them gave him that same soul-deep warmth of home as when his eyes fell on Michael (and wasn’t that a set of issues to unpack another day) - the more he felt tired. So much so that the propriety and distance he’d been trying to keep had faded, falling back into Michael’s orbit felt natural and he’d been closer and closer with each viewing. Michael, too, he thought, was part of that. He’d been able to feel how Michael had started hovering nearby, silently offering support but not making a big deal out of it, and when Alex stumbled slightly and Michael caught him but said nothing Alex could have kissed him then and there.
He hadn’t done, and a part of him regretted it, but he recognised the look in the eyes of the landlord, the veiled suspicion and crawling distaste that he’d seen in his own father’s face. His ribs ached in a distant memory of coming into contact with military issue boots.
Exhaustion pulled at him in waves and he reached out, curling his fingers around Michael’s forearm, sagging to the side slightly until his temple was resting against Michael’s shoulder. This would have to be the last place they looked at anyway, because he felt ready to drop.
The landlord had turned away, gesturing to the lounge, “All the bills are included,” he was saying, “subject to a 2.5% increase in rent year on year to cover the rising cost of utilities.”
“2.5%?” Alex asked, “Shouldn’t it be variable based on inflation rather than a flat rate?”
“Variable is riskier for the wrong kind of tenant,” the landlord offered loftily, still not having turned around to look at the two of them, but Alex could see that as he gestured his fingers were tightly gripping his notebook, knuckles going white.
Alex leaning on him for support felt so natural. It made Michael feel… good wasn’t the right word for it. It was hard to put it into just one word. He felt, needed, helpful, important - actually good for something. Which was a feeling Michael didn’t have very often, especially when he grew up believing he was a good for nothing piece of shit. Thanks to almost every foster home he was in. Every foster parent he had. That was until he met Alex. Alex always made him feel different. Like he was worth something in this world.
It took all Michael’s willpower not to give Alex a soft kiss on the top of his head. Especially when it was on his shoulder like that. But man he was thinking about it.
That was until the landlord started talking about Alex being a risky tenant. Michael drew his eyes away from Alex, looking over at the landlord. The look in the man’s eyes. It was a look Michael had seen many times. From almost every damn foster dad he had. Particularly the one that broke his hand. That look of disgust and hatred. Michael could feel his blood being to boil.
“And what is so risky about this particular tenant?” Michael asked. He could feel Alex begin to stand up straighter, hand letting go of Michael’s arm even. Which just pissed Michael off even more.
“You know,” the landlord began unable to keep himself professional. “We don’t usually rent to your kind.”
Your kind?!
Michael had heard enough. More than enough. He stepped forward, pulling his hand back for a punch, landing it square on the asshole’s job. “Our kind doesn’t want your crap apartment anyway,” he responded before turning on his heel and storming out, leaving Alex behind in the process.
“Michael-” Alex had started to say, voice low and warning, the soft, vulnerable openness that had started appearing over the course of the last few apartments immediately disappearing as he drew away, hands clasped behind his back, military posture easier to fall into than the worst of any bad habit. He was going to say it wasn’t worth it, that they should just leave, before any trouble started, but then-
It happened more quickly than Alex could track. Michael surging forward, punch landing on the guy’s face hard enough to make him drop his papers, staggering to the side as his head snapped to the left from a hard right slug. It had been an impressively thrown punch - a part of his mind pointed out that Michael’s form was off, telegraphed, if the guy had been paying attention he could have ducked and Michael’s hand was probably sore - but by the time he’d sort of worked out that there would need to be damage control done, Michael was storming off. He heard the apartment door slam against the wall and the sound of boots disappearing down the stairs.
Alex drew a breath, lifted his chin. One eyebrow was slightly quirked.
“I knew you’d be trouble,” the landlord said, lifting a hand to his lower lip and hissing as it came away with blood-laced saliva on his fingertips. “I’ll sue you both, this is assault. I’ll ruin you both. I’ll get him stuck in a prison where he wouldn’t want to drop the soap.”
The tirade would have continued but Alex had enough, it was one thing to make a generalised assumption, a homophobic comment that he could brush off (even if Michael couldn’t), but to directly threaten Michael? That was the breaking point for Alex, it always would be, he knew that without a shadow of a doubt.
“Or you could... not,” Alex said, walking closer and proud of how he didn’t flinch at the sharp burn that radiated down his leg and into his foot. His doctor was going to kill him. His lips were curled up into a smile that glittered with challenge and danger. “And I won’t let the housing community know that you’re a homophobic asshole with an illegal clause in your lease to lift rent in an area that’s rent controlled, as well as owning a building which has at least four state housing regulations broken, and I saw nine health code violations just walking through here. You’d be out of business if that news got out. And believe me, you say one thing about him and that’s not the only thing I’ll find on you to expose to the general public.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“I did three tours overseas, surrounded by people like you who wanted to kick me while I was down when there weren’t enemies trying to blow us up,” Alex deadpanned, standing right in front of him. “You’re nothing compared to that. Don’t test me.”
He turned and started walking out, throwing over his shoulder, “Oh, and we won’t take the apartment. I have a feeling my boyfriend hated the location anyway.”
He pulled the door closed behind himself and managed to get to the bottom of the stairs before his leg was too painful to continue, so he sat down on the bottom step and pushed his hands into his hair, waiting to see if Michael was going to come back in. He figured the guy would be waiting outside, but without a little bit of support, Alex wasn’t getting out of this stupid building. His pride burned hot with shame, which was why he wasn’t texting, and the adrenaline was coursing through his veins which was making his hands shake slightly.
Michael had stormed right out to the parking lot, pacing back and forth trying to get his anger out. A big part of him wanted to go right back into that apartment. Punch that guy some more. But he didn’t. He had made his point and his exit. So he continued to pace.
If it wasn’t for Alex he would have just driven off. Luckily even through his rage he remembered that Alex was still there. So he waited anger still coursing through him. He lost track of time. Several minutes passed before he realized that Alex still hadn’t come out. What was he doing?
His leg. Shit.
In all the rage Michael had forgotten about Alex’s leg. He rushed back inside to find Alex sitting on the bottom step. Michael’s heart ached. How could he have left Alex like that? While the anger was still there, it had dissipated slightly at the sight of Alex. He bent down helping Alex up letting him used Michael as his crutch. “Come on,” he said wrapping Alex’s arm around his shoulder for more support. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” Yeah, that anger was definitely still there.
Alex didn’t say anything but felt a rush of relief when Michael appeared in front of him, hauling him to his feet and helping him get outside of the building. “Next time I decide to try and cram five apartment viewings into one day,” he said, fingers curling in the fabric over Michael’s shoulder, not arguing or protesting as an arm came around his waist and tugged him close, “tell me the answer’s no and I’m an idiot.”
He let out a humourless laugh and when their boots hit the sidewalk he turned his head to look back up at the apartment. The landlord was looking out of the window and Alex felt an old rebellious urge bubble up in him to stick two fingers up at the world that, honestly, he thought had been squashed by his time in the military and those last few months under his father’s roof before he ran away to the Air Force as an escape.
He turned so he was standing in front of Michael properly, looking up at him and shifting his touch, fingers skating over the back of Michael’s neck and lifting to touch his cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone, feeling the brush of stubble under his palm along the edge of Michael’s jaw. He could almost sense the fury bubbling under Michael’s skin and he took a breath, seeking out eye contact. “It’s okay,” he murmured after a moment, dragging himself away from getting lost in the eye contact. “What he- it’s hardly the worst thing I’ve heard in my life. And it’s his problem.”
He lingered in Michael’s space for a few more seconds, eyes ducking down to his mouth and wetting his lower lip unconsciously. He would have leaned up he thought, and in fact he almost did, and kissed Michael then, but he heard the sound of people behind them and the tension returned to his spine and he dropped his hand, patting Michael’s chest and hating himself for what he was doing. Hating himself for that fear that spiked through him that told him this was something shameful that needed to be hidden behind closed doors, no matter how much he knew otherwise, no matter how much he’d lived it otherwise when he’d been a teenager, spiked hair, eyeliner and piercings.
“Let me look at your hand,” he said, clearing his throat, as his hand slid down Michael’s arm to catch his wrist, taking half a step back, eyes cutting to the people that were walking past. They didn’t care, of course they didn’t, but Alex had been put back up to defcon 3 and it would take him a while to drop himself back down. “-there’s no point both of us needing an ice-pack when we’re done here.”
Michael was fully ready to jump in the car and drive away in a rage filled flury. Get the hell away from that apartment building. But then…. but then Alex was facing him. Not just facing him either. His hand was on the side of Michael’s face. Again his touch sent waves of electricity throughout Michael’s body. And this time it was more intense than ever before. Michael could feel his anger melting away. He was totally and completely lost in Alex.
His breath caught in his throat. The hand that had been around Alex’s waist moved up the side of his body. His finger’s toyed with the collar of Alex’s shirt. Michael bit down on his lower lip. He had to. Otherwise he was going to kiss Alex. But it seemed like Alex wanted that too.
He barely even heard the words Alex was saying to him. He was completely lost in those eyes. His face inched closer. This was it. He was going to go for it. He released the bite on his lip, mouth opening slightly. In just a matter of seconds, milliseconds even, he would be kissing Alex again. Like he had thought about doing so many times since the airman walked back into his life.
And then Alex’s hand dropped. Michael could see the tension in the guys shoulders. He was pulled out of the moment, back to the real world. MIchael’s own hand lingered on Alex’s collar for another moment before he dropped it as well. He hung his head, eyes dropping to the ground. He couldn’t look back at Alex, not right now. If he did he wouldn’t be able to control his actions. And for Alex the moment had clearly passed. A pit of sadness settled into Michael’s stomach.
“My hand’s fine,” he replied his tone a little cold. But he didn’t pull away. He didn’t want to leave Alex’s grasp. “We should,” he swallowed trying to get ahold of himself. Control all the emotions swirling around inside him. “Get you home.”
“Yeah,” Alex muttered with a broken little laugh, both of his hands cradling the one that Michael hadn’t taken away, not looking up at Michael either because he knew his expression would give away just how much he hated what he’d just done. Not the near kiss, but the pulling away. The panic at the thought that someone might see them. The shadow of Jesse Manes hanging over his shoulder like the ghost of Homophobes Past, his very own Jacob Marley, haunting his steps. He needed the fucking Ghostbusters. “Home.”
Home wasn’t a thing right now. His thumb brushed over Michael’s knuckles before he reluctantly let go, shuffling backwards and giving the other man his space, a heaviness in his chest that had nothing to do with what they’d experienced in the apartment. “I- uh- yeah.”
He blinked up at Michael but looked away almost immediately, fingers balling into a fist at his side as he moved towards the truck. “Today was a bust. But- uh- he isn’t gonna do anything, no charges or anything. I- I handled it.”
Alex let go of Michael’s hand and Michael suddenly felt empty. He wanted to feel Alex’s touch again needed to feel it. But the moment had passed. Without looking back at Alex - he couldn’t right now. It was one of the first times that Michael really had to look away from him.
Charges? What? Oh right. He had punched a guy not that long ago. Despite the growing pain in his hand, that he was refusing to acknowledge, he had forgotten that happened. That was the effect Alex Manes had on him.
“Handled it?” he asked as he climbed into the driver’s seat. He would have asked more but words weren’t a thing that were coming to him right now. Besides he figured that was enough for Alex to explain more.
“Yeah,” Alex responded as he eased himself into the truck and pulled the door shut. His fingers caught on the scar behind his left ear, hidden in his hair from where they’d had to hold his skull together with stitches. He’d had more than his fair share before he’d gone into active service, but never above his shoulders - his dad had been smarter than that. “Handled it.”
He swallowed, glancing at Michael in his peripheral vision but the guy as focusing on the steering wheel. “You really should ice your hand,” because it looked like it was going to be sore, probably at least bruised after a few hours.
Wetting his lower lip, Alex shrugged and buckled himself in. Don’t reach out. He could tell Michael’s walls were up, those defenses from his youth that had tried to protect him from harm and Alex’s brain was still blaring somewhere around a red alert and telling him that literally anyone was a threat to him, to Michael. If his dad found out he was home, found out that he was back then he’d return early. It was weird, Alex had faced down some of the worst conditions possible, nearly lost his leg, and the idea of running into his father again was more terrifying than a covert operation in Baghdad.
“He- uh- I just pointed out that he’s breaking more than a few laws,” he answered, looking out the window. “And just threatened him a little.”
Michael began the drive back to Alex’s place, mind still reeling from everything that happened, and almost happened. But now that he was driving, looking at the road and not at Alex, he was able to actually hear the words Alex was saying. Focus on them, instead of on those gorgeous eyes of his, and his very kissable lips… The brief thought of it made him bite down on his own lip again.
“My hands have been through worse,” Michael replied gruffly. Granted the hand that was currently hurting was his right hand, his good hand. He didn’t exactly want to mess up both of his hands. But he had always punched with his right. And there had been a lot of punching over the years. He’d survive.
“You threatened him?” Michael repeated daring to glance back over at Alex. His heart twisted in his chest. He knew the guy was a dick to the both of them. Actually more so to Alex considering he wasn’t going to rent out the apartment. But still, Michael couldn’t help feeling like Alex had done that, for him.
Alex visibly winced when Michael said he’d gone through worse. He knew. God, he knew. It was one of the many things that he’d done that he hated himself for. He should have done something, intervened, refused to leave… something other than standing there, that part of his brain that had been taught to react in a mode of self-preservation had just engaged and told him to lay low, to leave because God knew what his father would have done if he’d been caught trying to intervene in the beating of the guy that he’d been caught making out with.
“That doesn’t make it okay,” he settled for saying. Because it didn’t. An injury was still an injury. “He threatened to have you arrested.”
His voice had fallen quiet, then. If he’d been on his own he probably would have just squared his jaw and walked away, not done anything. If it had been him twelve years ago he’d have snarked and sassed and made a point of coming back with a boyfriend for a second look, to see how the light hit his boyfriend’s face, or something equally irritating that would have made the guy’s skin crawl. But that was then. Old Alex.
“I just told him that things wouldn’t go so well for him if he went after you, Guerin.” He shrugged, it wasn’t a big deal. Right?
Oh but it was a big deal. At least it was to Michael. No one had ever really looked out for him like that before. Even Max was of the mind set of letting Michael pay for his own mistakes. Not that Michael ever thought of them as mistakes. Sometimes people were just begging to be punched. Usually when he was drunk. But today was a whole other story. And honestly Michael still thought the landlord deserved worse than what he got.
“Thank you,” Michael found himself saying, voice soft as he glanced over at Alex before looking back at the road. “No one’s ever,” he swallowed. Was this information he should really be sharing? The hell with it. Michael didn’t want to hold himself back. Not with Alex. “No one’s really ever looked out for me like that.”
Alex felt his stomach twist. He knew what that felt like, to have no one looking out for you. He rubbed underneath his ear and shrugged his shoulders, fingers flexing where his hands dropped to his thighs, stopping himself from reaching out for Michael again, even just to reassure him that he really wasn’t alone, even if Alex was being an ass right now.
“He was wrong to threaten you,” Alex mumbled, which felt like a repeat of what he’s said before. “I- You don’t have to thank me for protecting you from some jerk who thinks he can throw his weight around.” He swallowed, and it was on the tip of his tongue to apologise for not having done that earlier, when they had been teenagers but that was a conversation he needed much more beer for. “I’d have just walked out, and he deserved to get punched.”
Michael had noticed the few times throughout the day that Alex had rubbed under his ear. It made Michael want to do the same, to feel whatever it was that Alex felt there. But he knew he couldn’t. Especially not while he was driving. But in general he knew it would only cause Alex to pull away. Like he had moments ago. Even if Alex had been the one to make the first move then.
“Anytime someone deserves to get punched - I’m your guy,” Michael said lightly. As in the guy to do the punching. Not the one that deserved it. He was trying to take away some of the heaviness of the day. Because it was all a lot.
They got to Alex’s dad’s place. Michael parked the car and before Alex could protest he hopped out quickly walking around to the passenger side. He knew Alex’s leg was probably killing him right now. No way was Michael going to let him walk inside alone.
Alex chuckled, “I’ll bear that in mind if I suddenly forget the training I went through,” he teased, “or if I want someone to punch first and ask questions later.” He glanced over at Michael and smiled a little, he knew Michael had been offended by what the guy had said, more so than Alex (since he was used to it) and that was why he’d reacted the way he had, it was why Alex hadn’t yelled at him. Why Alex just made sure he wouldn’t be punished more for something that he’d done out of instinct.
The car fell into a companionable silence for the last part of the drive, and when the truck rolled to a stop, Alex unbuckled himself and was about to say thank you and goodbye to Michael when he hopped out of the truck and moved around to stand beside the door. At least he let Alex open the door himself.
“You know, Guerin,” he started, goodnaturedly to offset his embarrassment at the fact that he immediately reached for Michael’s arm as he eased out of the car, “I could probably have done this bit myself.”
“Yeah,” Michael replied. “But I don’t want you to.” He didn’t mind putting it on himself. Because it was true. He didn’t want Alex to walk into that house alone. Not just because of his leg. But also because Michael didn’t want to leave Alex yet. Not that he ever wanted to leave Alex, but that wasn’t the point.
He helped Alex into the house, wrapping his arm around the guy’s waist again. Once they were inside though he didn’t pull away. Just had Alex had done earlier Michael turned to face him. Eyes locking onto Alex’s. He couldn’t take it anymore. What had almost happened between them earlier. The fact that Alex had looked out for him. Everything he felt for Alex came bubbling to the surface. The feelings he had in high school. The feelings he still had now.
Michael was done be cautious. He was a man that went after what he wanted. And that was Alex. He wasn’t going to let Alex get away this time. Michael placed both hands on the side of Alex’s face and then in one swift motion he went in for the kiss, letting his lips crash into Alex’s in a fit of passion.
Alex was ready to shrug off his jacket and nap the rest of the afternoon away when Michael didn’t leave his space, stayed in his space. His sound of surprise when Michael’s lips slanted over his was muffled by the kiss and it took him a couple of seconds before his brain stopped freezing like some kind of internal 404 error had flashed up behind his eyes to push upwards, one hand curling around Michael’s wrist as the other snaked up his chest to tangle in his curls.
He kissed back like his life was depending on it, like if he didn’t he would just get swept out to sea. Michael was the anchor, the port in a storm. And he’d been maddeningly distracting today, whether he realised it or not. Guerin was just a little taller than him, that hadn’t changed even though they’d both grown since they had last been together in any way, and Alex was still there for it, the way Michael crowded into his space and blocked out anything that wasn’t them. His teeth caught on Michael’s lower lip when he drew back to take a breath, sucking air into his lungs like he’d been winded.
At some point the hand not in Michael’s hair had fisted in his shirt which, when he realised, he released his grip and smoothed the rumpled fabric out. His heart was hammering in his ears, trying desperately to beat out of his chest and he felt a little dizzy with the rush of what had just happened and he looked up at Michael equal parts confused and dazed and flustered.
“Guerin-”
There was so much in that kiss. So much pent up feelings from high school, from the past ten years that he had secretly longed for Alex. Everything seeing him again a week ago brought back. Michael poured it all into that kiss. He wanted Alex to know how deeply he cared for him. He needed to show him.
One of his hands moved to the back of Alex’s next, letting his thumb wander over the area Alex had been rubbing all day. He could feel the scar. But that didn’t matter to him. He liked everything about Alex, even his scars - both the physical and emotional kind. It only made him deepen the kiss, his own hand locking in Alex’s hair.
And then it was over. Michael didn’t want it to stop. He wanted to just keep kissing Alex forever. He pressed his forehead against Alex’s. Remaining close. He took a breath. He needed to after that kiss. “Alex,” he finally replied, tone soft.
God, he hoped Alex wasn’t going to end this and push him away again.
Alex drew in a breath and closed his eyes, “Michael,” he breathed, hand resting against the other’s chest where he could feel his heart hammering. Now that the kiss was over, even though Michael was still there in his space, overwhelming everything and making it hard to think, Alex was acutely aware that they were standing in his father’s house. Jesse Manes might not be there, but Alex was gripped with the sudden fear that he might walk through the door.
He swallowed, wet his lower lip and didn’t open his eyes. His fingers gently carded through Michael’s hair, tipping his head into the touch under his ear, to the way that Michael was still touching him. He breathed out, slow and shuddering, his hand restlessly flexing against Michael’s chest, thumb brushing over his shirt.
“Shit- we- Shit..” He really wanted to do that again, lose himself in Michael, but it wasn’t safe to do it here. Alex could already feel the tension trickling down his spine like an icicle shuddering down his back, which was in direct contrast to the heat pouring off of every spot where Michael was still touching him. “We shouldn’t be doing this.” Not here, was what he meant to say, but his brain was still kiss-addled from the first kiss he’d had in a very long time (a thank-god-we’re-alive kiss in the middle of Basra meant relatively little in the grand scheme of things) and what he thought he’d finished with had just hung in the air, open for misinterpretation. “I- we-” His fingers brushed through Michael’s hair again, dropping to clasp the back of his neck, torn between pulling him in for another kiss and breaking the moment. He knew what he should do. And what he wanted to do, but they were at odds.
To say Michael was confused would be an understatement. This wasn’t all on him. It wasn’t one sided. Alex had kissed him back. And it was one hell of a kiss. Michael had plenty of hookups with both sexes. But no one, no one, had ever kissed him the way Alex Manes did.
Michael’s thumb ran over Alex’s scar again, trying to show him that he didn’t care about any of that. None of it mattered to him. All that mattered was Alex. He didn’t want to pull away. And from the way Alex was still holding on to him, Michael didn’t think he wanted to pull away either. Yet his words said differently.
He pulled his head away from Alex just enough so that he could lock eyes with him again. Search for the truth in those dark brown eyes of his. “Do you want me to go?” Michael finally asked not sure he wanted to hear the answer.
Alex lifted his hand to curl it around Michael’s wrist, thumb stroking above the pulse point. “N-No,” he replied honestly, because he didn’t, but at the same time he knew that they weren’t- safe here. He nudged Michael’s nose with his own and took a slow breath, eyes drifting closed again. “But this isn’t- this isn’t a good- I’m not-”
God, what was he even trying to say? He had no idea. Michael had always been able to rob the thoughts from his brain just by smiling at him. And he couldn’t think straight when Michael’s hands were on him. That hadn’t changed since he was seventeen, and apparently not even time and distance could change that. It made no sense.
Alex let out a slow breath. “Do you wanna just… have something to eat? Maybe?”
Michael also had no idea what Alex was trying to say. It sure as hell sounded like he was going to say this wasn’t a good idea. To which Michael wanted to scream </i>’WHY?!</i> Why was this not a good idea? When everything in him was telling him this was right. And then he flipped it on him. He wasn’t what?
However throughout all his ramblings Alex remained close. He hadn’t let go of Michael and Michael sure as hell wasn’t about to let go of him. His other hand wrapped around Alex’s back, pulling him close. There was barely any space between them and all Michael wanted to do was eliminate it completely. Bring his lips back to Alex’s. But Alex was saying no. Even if he had kissed Michael back. Even if he wasn’t pulling away. Michael wasn’t going to push his luck. He wasn’t going to let himself push to far and scare Alex off.
“Uh, yeah,” Michael said swallowing. “I could eat.”
What the fuck was going on?
Alex squeezed the back of Michael’s neck, eyes dropping again to his lips. He swallowed, glanced up and then breathed out again. He wanted to lean up again, it would be easy to, just to press his lips against Michael’s and lose himself but they were in his dad’s house. Jesse Manes’ ghost hung around. And though he wasn’t physically there, the psychological impact of the years he’d spent in this house under that man’s thumb were weighing heavily on him, especially right now, when he was with someone he liked, a man he was attracted to.
He slid his hands to Michael’s shoulders and he leaned back, trying to break out of Michael’s orbit so he could think straight. It was impossible. His hands slid down to curl around Michael’s wrist, tugging gently before letting go.
After a moment, he took a breath and looked up at Michael again. Offered him a weak smile. “I- There’s something about this house that just-” He rubbed his hand over his face and tipped his head. “I-” He paused, “This house- screws me up, you know?” he confessed, knowing that he was being awkward about this. He didn’t quite know how to explain how he was feeling to Michael. Or if there were even the right words to explain. But he could try. If Michael was willing to listen. “I think I need a beer.”
Michael bit down on his bottom lip again, fighting the urge to pull Alex in for another kiss. And he might have too, if Alex hadn’t fully pulled away. Okay, so moment over again. But hell, at least Michael had gotten a kiss this time. An amazing, mind-blowing kiss.
Michael did actually know. He had seen the bruises on Alex back in high school. He knew that Alex’s dad was a homophobic asshole. He just hadn’t been thinking about the house. He had only been thinking about Alex. But he got what Alex was trying to say. It wasn’t like Michael exactly wanted to go back to the home where he had his hand broken and make out with Alex there either.
“You don’t have to ask me twice,” Michael replied giving Alex a small reassuring smile. Like Michael would ever turn down a drink? And if Alex wanted to talk about things. Why this house was so difficult for him Michael would listen. He wanted to know Alex. Wanted him to feel comfortable opening up. Yes, he had his suspicions about what his father had put him through. But he had never heard it from Alex. And he wanted too.
“And maybe some ice?” For both his hand and Alex’s leg.
Alex snorted, “Yeah,” he looked over his shoulder, really glad that Michael had decided to stay, “c’mon, Guerin, you really need to get something on that hand. Make sure the swelling doesn’t get too much, you need both hands for work, right?”
He led the way into the kitchen to grab beer, ice and take out menus, in that order. And then, maybe, after a couple of drinks, they could settle in. And talk. It had never been a strong suit of theirs, but maybe - just maybe - it could be now.