Who: Elsa and Theo What: Therapy and working through anxiety and anger When: Recently Where: Theo's practice Status: Complete Rating: PG-13, assorted triggers for abuse, violence and trauma
It was only the third time that Elsa was scheduled to meet with her therapist, and as with the first two times, she approached it with some trepidation.
On the one hand, the other sessions had actually helped, on the other she sometimes didn’t know how to apply, well, anything once she’d left.
She still had nightmares, she still felt… strange… trying to talk to Weiss, she still felt a need and desire to be close to someone (though that had been an issue even before the kidnapping).
And maybe that was part of it; Elsa had a variety of issues to begin with, all built up from her isolation in her dreams and her separation from her family (and general anxiety levels) in the waking world.
Almost turning around twice, Elsa finally made it inside and sat in the waiting room.
From the first time they’d met, Theo had felt that Elsa was going to be the type of patient who needed time and trust building before she was actually comfortable coming to their sessions. Theo was very patient, and she knew how to handle that kind of person. There was also the fact that Theo tended to be slow to trust people herself, so she completely understood the work it took, and more than knew building trust was a two-way street.
She hated talking about herself, but when it came to needing to build trust with her patients, she was more willing to share things about herself and her family when it was relevant. Even then, Theo preferred to not share specific details, such as her mother committing suicide or the fact she saw ghosts.
Today, she was wearing a turtleneck with a sweater. It wasn’t exactly cold weather-wise, but Theo was really cold. This was California, but she could swear that it was constantly freezing in Orange County. She was never warm enough to just wear short sleeves around unless she was wrapped in a blanket. Her hair was pulled up into a bun and she had a pen stuck through it. She got the alert that Elsa had arrived, so she finished making a note in her previous patient’s file before she closed it and put it away before pulling out Elsa’s. She then got up and went to the door and opened it.
“Elsa, you can come in,” Theo said with a smile.
“Thank you,” Elsa said, stepping inside. Her dress almost seemed to glitter as she moved, as though it were covered in a thin layer of ice. Elsa preferred to overdress much of the time, as it was one way she overcompensated for … everything.
She took a seat, crossing her legs, her eyes on Theo’s legs a few seconds longer than polite. “I … had the nightmares again, but I had some Dreams too.”
Elsa frowned; Theo seemed really cold, and she wondered if that was her fault. She tried to raise the temperature around herself.
Closing the door, Theo went and sat down in her arm chair, across from Elsa. Elsa’s dress caught her attention, mostly because of the glitter-type effect it had. She’d added a couple new toys to fidget with to the coffee table, a tactic she knew tended to help focus those who had attention issues, but it also helped those who had anxiety as well.
Her attention was immediately caught by the mention of the nightmares. That didn’t surprise her, those who went through traumatic situations tended to suffer nightmares more often than not. Though the mention of the Dreams also caught her attention.
“Let’s start with the Dreams for the moment. Were they good ones?” Dreams tended to be hit or miss, and since Elsa had brought them up she seemed to want to talk about them in some capacity. Theo definitely wasn’t ignoring the mention of the nightmares, but she could use talk of the Dreams to help settle Elsa before they tackled the nightmares. Assuming the Dreams didn’t add to the trauma, of course.
“Mostly?” Elsa said, momentary unsure of herself. She let out a breath, and nodded. “Day to day running of the kingdom, time spent with my sister where I try not to hover too much. And some political issues with neighboring kingdoms. But nothing really traumatic or regressing.”
“At least they were mostly good ones. Sometimes Dreams, just like normal dreams, can be double-edged swords. Are you settling into your role of running the kingdom well?” Theo was interested in that since it seemed to be a departure from what Elsa seemed to be interested in in this life. Politics weren’t for everyone, after all.
“That’s very true,” Elsa replied, thinking of what had almost happened to Arendelle and her sister. There were days she wanted to go to her sister’s place and just kind of… watch her. Make sure she was okay.
Part of that was because she felt guilty, she was sure. “I seem to be. It’s something I actually enjoy. I was trained for it of course, and spent most of my time in the library studying. Safer than being around people.”
Theo could understand the want to make sure a sibling was okay. She tended to worry about her younger siblings, and just generally worry about all her siblings more than she ever let on. Sometimes she had a very round-about way of showing that she cared about her family.
“Spending your time studying isn’t a bad thing. Though I can understand how it might be safer given your abilities. And people in general are just scary.” Theo was naturally wary of people, so she more than understood not wanting to be around others. She just had different reasons for why she didn’t like being around people than Elsa did. “With myself being locked away from the world and being around strangers aggravating my emotions, it was… definitely safer that way. I isolated myself from my sister too. It was… a lonely childhood, mostly of my own choosing, though I don’t think my parents helped the way they wanted to.” Their hearts had been in the right place but Elsa was certain they’d also kind of messed her up a little.
Theo gave Elsa an empathetic smile. “I can understand that. I kind of kept myself isolated from my family, just for different reasons.” In this life, it had been difficult to deal with her mother’s death and then seeing her ghost. It was something she never really talked about with anyone, except her younger sister. Nell never judged her, though there was probably a running The Sixth Sense joke between them.
“Parents are...complicated. The good ones tend to usually have their hearts in the right place, but they don’t always know how to properly handle something that’s out-of-the-box, shall we say. It doesn’t always help us either. Sometimes it makes us worse.” Theo was including herself in that. Her father wasn’t exactly the most reliable person. He was never the same after her mother died.
“Yes, that’s exactly what it is. Complicated, and… unable to really handle my powers and my inability to control them. And then they up and died and left us alone.” Elsa closed her eyes. “When I needed them most, they weren’t there.”
And she realized she was a lot angrier about that than she thought she should be.
Theo listened to Elsa, seeming to pick up on the underlying anger. It was easy to recognize because Theo felt the same way about her mom. Her dad had been around, but he wasn’t as involved as he probably would’ve been had her mother not died.
“It’s okay to be angry about that. Parents are supposed to be there for you, to help teach you and guide you and prepare you for the world as best as they can. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes, our parents die and leave us alone before we’re ready.” She took a little breath as she paused. “You can express your feelings on the subject here. Letting it out can help you release it.”
Pot, meet kettle. Which Theo was very much aware of that fact about herself. It tended to be why she went to clubs and lost herself on the dance floor now and then. Or she went dancing and picked someone up to lose herself in for a night. Theo never claimed to have healthy methods of dealing with her emotions, but she’d learned from an early age to keep it all locked inside.
A frown crossed Elsa’s face as she listened to Theo. Did she really want to discuss that? Did she even have a choice? Wringing her hands in her lap, Elsa tried to think about the best way to word things. “We were told that… my power responds to emotions. In an attempt to control it I was taught to repress my feelings. Conceal it, don’t feel it.”
The way she said those last four words clearly sounded like a mantra.
The last two phrases Elsa said hit quite the chord with Theo. She was much the same way, though it was for different reasons. “That would be the logical reaction to finding out about that. Though it doesn’t mean it’s the best path for you. Humans are emotional by nature. Trying to suppress emotion doesn’t always work the way we want it to.”
Unlike other therapists who might take notes during sessions, Theo didn’t. She had a good memory and never lost track of the important points from the sessions with her patients. She also didn’t want people to feel like she wasn’t paying attention to them or she was writing bad things about them.
“Though it sounds like that is the root of at least some of the problems you are facing. Who told you that about your powers?” Perhaps unpacking things a little at a time would be the best approach here.
“It just… got buried really deep.” Elsa unfolded her hands, leaving them palm up in her lap. Wetting her lips and knowing how crazy it sounded, Elsa said, “The trolls. They’re these… magical beings who look like rocks and boulders. They told me my power was a gift, but they also said if I let fear control me it would hurt people. I was…”
And Elsa’s voice took on an edge of anger, “I was eight. Who tells a little girl things like that? Of course I’m only going to focus on the negative, I’d just hurt my sister!”
The anger was expected. And it also meant that Elsa realized what she was told and how things were handled about her powers was screwed up and wrong. Even those with the best intentions could inflict that kind of damage without realizing it.
“So they didn’t make an attempt to try and show you how to handle your power without simply burying your emotions?” Theo kept her tone even, though it did upset her.
“I don’t..” Elsa trailed off, her voice clipped and the anger still present within it. She’d never even considered that an option, never considered that it could even be done and it was clear on her face. That realization that they could have tried. “I thought it would just hurt them…”
She saw that realization come over Elsa’s face. Theo wasn’t sure if that was good or not, so she was going to tread carefully. She didn’t want to push Elsa too much, or even push her into making conclusions or assumptions that might make everything worse. This was the fine skill of psychology, there was a fine line that needed to be walked between pushing a patient enough so they could work through their problems but not pushing them far enough where things were made worse. Yes, things tended to get worse before they got better when unpacking trauma, but that was completely different than adding to the number of problems a patient needed to deal with.
“I don’t think you’re wrong there. Part of having an ability that’s different than what’s considered normal is trying to learn how to control or manage it. Sometimes people get hurt until you figure that out.” She spoke carefully, keeping her attention on Elsa. “But it’s also possible that they didn’t know the specifics of how to really help teach you to control the powers. Some people do try to help simply by loving someone or being there as support because that’s all they know to do. But again, you were only a child, it’s not your fault for reacting the way you did. Children tend to focus on the bad things, especially if that bad thing is hurting someone they love.”
“I almost killed my sister, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. A lot of it was me pushing everyone away and… and they didn’t really fight it, did they?” Elsa rubbed at her knuckles, ice frosting over her skin. “I don’t remember if they even tried to encourage me to not push any of them away. And then… and then I buried everything so deep that it …”
Elsa looked at Theo, distraught. “Was it inevitable I lost control?”
Theo noticed the ice frosting over Elsa’s skin. She knew the signs of anxiety when she saw them, even ones involving ice like this. At the question, it was a difficult one to answer because it was a complicated topic with a complicated answer.
“I don’t think there’s a clear cut answer to that question. But something you should remember is that everyone loses control at some point whether it’s in regards to emotions or powers, I think they’re both the same. Was it inevitable that you lost control? With them seemingly not teaching you how to control your powers or find the balance between them and your emotions, probably. You can only bottle up emotions, and powers, for so long before they come crashing out, even if we don’t want them to. But that’s not your fault, and it’s not even really their fault either. It’s human nature, and we’re emotional beings. Trying to make ourselves into emotionless beings never works. Unless you’re a psychopath, which you clearly aren’t because you have empathy for others.”
It might explain why Arendelle had gotten frozen over. All that repressed power and negative emotions exploding out of her as she’d fled, as her people had looked at her like a monster…
Pulling her legs up, Elsa hugged them. “When… When I escaped up the mountain, and made that beautiful palace of ice, I’d never felt so free. But I forgot that just because I was free didn’t mean I didn’t have responsibilities. And then my sister found me, and told me I’d frozen everything. She thought she could help but I couldn’t hear her over my own head and my own fear and I hurt her again.”
Crystalline tears formed at the corners of her eyes. “I thought about throwing myself off the mountain, once or twice. But that wouldn’t fix anything and might have only made it worse.”
She’d never really admitted that part, to anyone. “It all turned out well, in the end. But…” Elsa gestured vaguely. “Then I was drugged, and strapped down. And they hit me a few times. Threatened to rip out my nails or… or worse. They wanted me to behave. But I can’t imagine what threats to me they told Weiss to make her cooperate.”
And she wasn’t going to try to imagine it, for fear of making her anxiety worse. “I just...felt so helpless. Watching her on the screen. Listening to my guards and their awful conversations. It took me way too long to free myself and … and a part of me wanted to hurt them back. Freeze them solid.”
Theo listened closely, feeling a tug at her heartstrings more than once. Especially at the mention of Elsa having thought about suicide. Suicide tended to be a hot button issue with Theo, but she managed to keep her personal opinions on it out of her professional life. Unless her patient needed to hear what suicide could do to loved ones left behind, then she’d tell them. But short of that, she never mentioned it.
“At least things turned out well, but that does not undo the trauma you experienced in your life. But it does give you a chance to work through the trauma so you can move on with your life.” And the sudden shift from talking about Dreams to talking about this life might have thrown other people for a loop, but Theo followed along seamlessly.
“That is a perfectly natural reaction. God knows those men would’ve deserved it for what they did to you. But revenge is not always the best path to walk.” Also she’d noted those tears at the corners of Elsa’s eyes, and there was a box of kleenex beside the chair Elsa was sitting in if she needed some.
The ice hardened a little, before it started to thaw. Elsa slowly stretched her legs out, and rubbed her hands on her knees. “It scared me. Because I knew I could do it. But the secret to my power is… love. What would it mean if I hurt someone with it? Even if they deserved it, or I was defending someone?”
It was a question she’d asked herself a hundred times, and the bags under her eyes were suddenly a lot more obvious. “Everything is falling apart and I don’t know what to do. It’s like...something was taken from me but I don't have the word for it.”
Theo had to smile a little at Elsa’s rationale for not hurting the men who had hurt her. “Love is a very powerful motivator, being the secret to your power or not. You clearly don’t like hurting people, even if they may deserve it, and that’s not a bad thing. In fact, the world could use more people like that. Compassion is not a weakness despite what some people might think. Showing compassion tends to be a lot harder than it is perceived to be. But it is okay to be scared of knowing you could easily hurt someone if you wanted to. As they say, great power comes with great responsibility. I think the key is to recognize that you shouldn’t abuse your power and knowing when to use and when not to.” Theo somewhat spoke from personal experience. She had no idea what was going on with her dream self, or even what was happening with her here in this world. She could swear sometimes she touched objects or people and felt...things that weren’t her own. She was starting to not want to touch people or objects, which was another reason for the long sleeves. Less chance of accidentally brushing against someone’s skin.
“They violated your agency over yourself. It will take time, but you will be able to work through it and move past the damage they did to you. In my experience, some little part of the trauma may always stay with you, but so long as you’re willing to let me help, we will get through this. You aren’t alone.” It was always important to point out that Elsa wasn’t going to be walking this path alone.
Elsa listened, mostly because Theo’s voice was a calming one, and she liked watching Theo as she spoke. Theo kept herself measured, it was a good example of control and one Elsa sought to imitate. Also, she was hot, but this was neither the time nor the place.
“I wondered if I should wear gloves again,” Elsa admitted. “But that was a crutch, a tool, something that I shouldn’t have needed as I got older. And I don’t need it. But sometimes I’m afraid, especially now. So it’s… good to not be alone. I just wish I could share more with my sister. And that the situation hadn’t… damaged the romantic part of my relationship with Weiss.”
“I’ll make you a deal. If you feel like there’s a time when you can’t handle not wearing gloves and it helps calm you down to wear them, you can put them on. But once you are calm, take them off again. Sometimes you need that little safety blanket, especially on your bad days, but you can’t stay there. I’ll help give you other things you can do or focus on to help calm you in those situations so you can move away from the gloves.” Theo nodded a little. “I’m sorry things went that way with Weiss, but sometimes you can’t control the fallout of those kinds of situations. But if you want to maintain a friendship with her, being open and honest is the best kind of approach.”
Theo paused for a moment, deciding on opening up to Elsa a little more, and perhaps it would help build the trust between them. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I have an ability of my own, even without the Dreams, and I always felt like a pariah because of it. I’ve only ever told my younger sister about it, and she’s accepting of it. For lack of a better phrase, I see dead people.” She deadpanned those four words made famous in The Sixth Sense. “Ghosts, to be more precise. I never liked it, and it scared me when I got old enough to realize what I was actually seeing. So I fully understand what it’s like to be afraid of an ability you have, and to keep it hidden from people. The world isn’t exactly nice towards mediums.”
Elsa wasn’t sure she wanted to start wearing gloves again, despite her voicing the thought. If she regressed she didn’t know if she’d make her way back to where she’d been. “I think I’d rather start with those other things and only resort to the gloves if I have no other choice.”
How had it come to this? Well, she knew how it had come to this and she was angry at Jacques Schnee and also herself. “We’re trying. I still love her, and miss… everything. But …”
Would it have lasted? Or had it been doomed from start? Too alike.
Elsa lifted her head, blinking once or twice as what Theo said really sank in and she bit back the gut response she felt about her parents. “No, the world isn’t very nice to people who are different, is it.”
“Good, I like to hear that. Just know that sometimes you do take a step or two backwards when facing trauma and learning to deal with it in a healthy way. So if you do ever resort to putting the gloves on, it isn’t the end of the world. Regressing happens sometimes, but I will do everything I can to try and give you enough other options you can hopefully resort to instead.” Theo definitely wouldn’t be mad or disappointed if Elsa did regress to wearing gloves. She more than understood some patients went backwards at times. Mental health wasn’t exactly straight forward, after all. There were twists and turns and knots along the way that complicated matters.
“I am certain it will be awkward for a little while until you both can figure out how to talk to each other again. As long as both of you still care about each other, I’m certain it will work out. It will just take some time.” Which was the answer to just about everything here. Some people hated that, things taking time. But anything that was worth doing took time.
“No, it’s not. So you aren’t alone in that feeling. I also understand building walls to keep people out and keep yourself safe.” Theo could really stand to take some of the advice she gave her patients now and then, especially when it came to breaking down her walls. But she didn’t want to break down her walls. She was fine just as she was. Perhaps a bit on the lonely side of things given her best friend was her younger sister, but she’d long since resigned herself to knowing it was better this way. She didn’t necessarily want to explain how she saw dead people or her whole life story to people outside of a setting like this one.
“Thank you…” Elsa dug her nails into her knees again, then forced her hands to relax. She understood that some things took time, and she was usually a very patient person. Elsa just didn’t want to spend too much time trying to get her head on track and ruining what relationships she’d built.
“The walls are… they were crumbling, but now I want to build them back up. But I don’t want to either.” She looked at Theo almost as if she could see right through her and her own walls.
“You’re welcome.” That was usually the worst part of therapy, being patient and giving things time. Not everyone took well to that part of it, but it was what it was. No amount of trying to rush through it would help in the long run.
The way Elsa looked at her was a bit unnerving. The only person who really looked at her like that was her younger sister. Her other siblings sometimes had that look, but it was mostly Nell, and Theo didn’t know how to feel about that. But she pushed the thought aside. “I’d say challenge yourself. Try to reach out to someone once a day, or at least a few times a week. Try to switch up who you reach out to as well just to keep things from getting too much into a pattern that you can too easily settle into. It doesn’t matter what you reach out about, whether it’s asking if your sister has seen any good movies lately, or just saying hi to Weiss or whatever. You don’t have to talk about big things, just push yourself to be social. Not talking to people in any respect would help in feeling like you should build up your walls again. Do you think you could try that? You don’t even have to reach out to new people if you don’t want, just stick to the people you know. You can even call or text me, too. I won’t mind.” She said with a smile. Theo liked ensuring that her patients were okay, and she was always available if they needed her, even if it was the middle of the night.
Her sister was easy enough to reach out to, and Elsa could read between the lines and knew she should reach out to more than just her sister even before Theo had reached that part. Ozma. Weiss. Ruby. Lily now too. She had friends, more than she’d ever expected to have.
And she really ought to give them more of a chance. “I can try that. Even if I don’t feel like I want to see someone in person, that’s what texting and the internet is for.”
Elsa managed a smile, and she actually kind of felt it. “Hopefully I won’t take too much advantage of that.”
“Exactly. Sometimes texting and the internet are the best inventions,” Theo quipped. They were still interaction with people, just not having to see them in person. Sometimes in person interaction was too much to ask. And Theo wouldn’t ask that, at least not until later on. Right now, as long as Elsa interacted with someone in some way, that was enough.
“I certainly don’t mind if you do. And know that if you have a bad dream or just otherwise need someone to talk to in the middle of the night, you can call me. I won’t be mad or anything.” Theo liked being able to do whatever she could to help her patients. She definitely cared, and she cared about Elsa.
The internet was truly a gift to the introverts of the world. Being able to unplug at any point one needed was a great deal useful, even for Elsa who could actually be extroverted but only among people she trusted.
“My dreams haven’t been terrible since...well since the day I thought I’d killed Anna. But I think it’s a good idea in case that does happen.” Elsa looked at Theo again, the way she had earlier. “So thank you.”
“That’s good. And the same goes for nightmares, not just Dream dreams.” Theo well knew normal nightmares could be just as traumatic as Dreams could be, so she extended the offer. Especially in the early stages of therapy, having a support network was definitely needed. “You’re welcome.”
Torn between the desire to hug her and the desire to not touch anyone, Elsa shifted in the seat and nodded. “I think. Maybe it’s better than dumping all of this on someone who probably doesn’t need the added stress, right?”
“Yes, it can be. Though people who care about you won’t mind. But that is up to you as well. It’s your choice what you share and who you share it with. But I’m always here for whatever you need.” Theo wanted to ensure that Elsa knew that.
Elsa thought that was really good to hear, and she nodded again. She could do this, she could put it behind her without forgetting about it or repressing it. And Elsa felt hopeful that Theo could help her until she didn’t need her any more.