ωєιѕѕ ѕ¢нηєє (notmadeofstone) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2019-02-22 14:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, !trigger warning, elsa of arendelle, weiss schnee |
Who: Elsa and Weiss, formerly known as Ice Queens.
What: Talking after they're rescued. They are not okay.
When: Early, January 12th
Where: House Xiao-Long Rose
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, trigger warnings for discussing abuse, captivity.
Status: Done
Elsa had had to have her ribs wrapped, and even though she had a prescription for the pain she’d had quite enough of being drugged, thank you. It meant she was in pain from that and other wounds, and she did keep her pills on her in case it got to be too much.
But it was the principle of the thing. And if she was honest with herself, the part where she’d been confined, and how creepy Jacques’ men had been (and some of Jacques’ comments when he’d visited for that matter), those were the things that really got to her if she tried to think about it.
She fidgeted with her gloves as she waited for Weiss to answer the door, desperately needing to see her, and talk to her. And mostly just see her.
When they'd first converged on the Xiao-Long/Rose residence, Weiss had mostly been content to sit on the floor and let Zwei run laps around her. The day had been long, and tiring, and she hadn't really had any time to process... anything.
Weiss was still stuck in that state when she finally excused herself and made her way off to the bathroom. She'd been so shocked by her face in the mirror that she'd nearly forgotten the very real reasons she'd gone in there. And when that was taken care of, Weiss had simply decided to stay. The bathroom was cool, and quiet, and as long as she didn't have to see herself, a wonderful place to hide.
From what, she wasn't sure. Until Elsa's knock came at the door and her heart skipped up into her throat. "I... yes?"
Her voice was still meek instead of confident, and imperious.
“Weiss? It’s me.” Elsa wrapped her arms around herself. Leaning against the doorframe, she cleared her throat and spoke up a little. “Can we…we should talk.”
After what they’d been through, Elsa needed to see Weiss again. Assure herself she was okay, assure herself that…. That they were okay. “Can I come in?”
"You- yes, of course." Weiss replied, rising to her feet. Her hands wrung themselves together in front of her, betraying all the anxiety she used to be adept at hiding deep inside of her. She tucked her hands behind her back so that Elsa couldn't see it when the door opened.
Weiss looked like Elsa felt, and she quietly closed the bathroom door behind her. Then she leaned against it, taking some breaths to steady herself. Keeping the house from turning into an ice cube was a conscious effort, but she was doing it. Barely.
“You have amazing friends.”
Everything Elsa had been through in the last month had been Weiss's fault. At least, according to Weiss. There was an amount of blame she could lay at her father's doorstep for her own suffering, but she still felt responsible for Elsa. Weiss was torn between the instinct to rush over to Elsa and her own guilt.
Her hands were still wringing themselves behind her back, but she nodded her head. "They really are... I never expected they would come for me. For both of us."
“I think they might be hurt if you told them that.” Elsa pushed off from the door with her hip, moving to Weiss but stopping a foot away from her. Close enough and yet… it felt like a chasm between them. “But I’m glad they did. I made it out of the room I was being kept in, but I don’t know if I’d have made it outside alone.”
Weiss shook her head, "I didn't mean it like that, I just... I told them to stay away. I didn't want them involved, and I think they thought... well, part of me wanted them to think I hated them."
Her aura had healed up parts of her injuries while she'd had it active earlier that day, but her voice still felt hoarse when she tried to talk for too long. She worked her throat a bit, trying to get it to stop aching, or maybe warm it up for more talking. Either way it was hard not to think about what would have happened to Elsa if they hadn't shown up to save her. And she was definitely grateful they had.
She just didn't know anything about anything else. "I don't know what to do, now."
Elsa watched her, listening, understanding on such a fundamental level that her chest hurt for more than just her injuries. She edged closer, resting her hand on the sink and willing herself not to freeze the whole thing. Only a little frost appeared on the mirror, which she supposed was better than it could be.
“If…if it was my sister. If I was protecting her, I would have done the same thing. I did the same thing. But I think pushing people away only makes it worse.”
Weiss glanced over at the frost patterns dancing across the mirror. It was beautiful, Elsa's gift, though she knew that Elsa struggled with it. Was definitely struggling with it now, especially after a month of not being able to exhibit any control. It was probably everything Elsa could do not to freeze the entire household. She felt guilty for that, too.
She bit down on her lip and took a step towards Elsa. "This is my fault. Everything... all of it."
Hesitantly, Elsa reached out, running chilled hands up Weiss’s arms, but refrained from hugging her. “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. You can’t control what other people do.”
The touch was not unwelcome. It wasn't even the first time someone friendly to her had touched her since she'd broken free, though Weiss still wasn't quite used to it. Her skin felt like it was on fire with memories, 90 percent good and 10 percent awful.
A tear ran out of her eye and she squeezed them shut as she leaned in to Elsa. Just slightly. "I should have seen it, though. I should have recognized the warning signs. I should have told people about it when it started, instead of being afraid. I could have trusted all of you more."
After a moment, Elsa pulled Weiss into a hug, needing it as much for herself as for Weiss. She pressed her cheek against Weiss's, shivering slightly. But not from the cold. There was a contradiction to the touch of her skin. Good memories, and bad ones, all mixed together.
"You were... in the middle of it. How could you recognize there were signs if you didn't know what the signs were?" Elsa thought often of the way her father had tried to help her. And how badly it had damaged her, though at least he'd had good intentions.
"You don't hate me, then?" Weiss asked, though her voice was choked with tears that were threatening to crack right through her.
It had been a long day of holding them back, maybe it was time to let them go.
The cracking in Weiss's voice brought tears to Elsa's eyes, the ones she'd frozen over all day. Her throat bobbed. "I ... why would... I don't hate you."
She pulled her head back, cupping Weiss's cheeks. Elsa wasn't sure what to say. Or maybe how to say it. So she just whispered, "I could never hate you."
Her father, yes. But not Weiss.
"I had to say all of those things to you... and you must have been scared that I would do something or say something, that he would hurt you just because of it..." Weiss replied, though she couldn't look directly into Elsa's eyes. She was far, far too afraid. Even though the sensible side of her told her there was nothing at all to fear. At least, not from Elsa.
Elsa inhaled deeply, remembering those things. They’d hurt, she’d never deny that. It had hurt and she hadn’t understood at first. But everything made sense now. Elsa just didn’t want to think about how Jacques might have hurt her. “I was scared he’d hurt me regardless. But I was more scared he’d hurt you.”
"Father's biggest weapon was always his ability to manipulate me. Control me. He would take things away if I was bad, reward me with things when I behaved. And I don't just mean a favorite toy." Weiss could talk more freely about this at least. It was the cold, hard truth about her father, and good common ground. "But he hasn't physically hurt me very often."
Until he'd nearly strangled her to death. Her aura had healed some of the bruising, but the hand print was still there if anyone looked closely. And the bruise on her face. "And today will be the last day. I nearly killed him."
Elsa lifted her hand to look at the bruise there, anger and dismay both flashing across her face at the sight. How anyone could treat family like that she’d never know. With her other hand, she brought it to her own throat. Her voice was rough. “He came in once. He said he was curious about something. And then he strangled me.”
And yet, despite that, she said. “I’m still glad you didn’t kill him.”
As Elsa admitted what Jacques had done, something inside of Weiss broke. The pieces she'd been holding together felt like they were sinking into the floor, and she pulled away. "He said he wouldn't hurt you if I behaved, he promised!"
Weiss pulling away from her broke a little something inside Elsa. She leaned on the sink, unsure of being able to keep herself upright. For a moment, she felt the hand around her throat. Then she exhaled. “He… he lied to you.”
It felt like a small thing, compared to everything else Jacques had done. “He just wanted to control you.”
"Everything I did... Everything I said..." Weiss's voice threatened to crack with emotion. She couldn't cry anymore, she was too exhausted to cry, but she still felt like her entire body was breaking. Not just her heart, but all of her.
"I could have tried to escape, I could have fought him. It wouldn't have mattered, he was going to hurt you anyway..."
Elsa didn’t know what to say, how to comfort Weiss and stop the storm her mind was going through and she wasn’t sure she should. She knew exactly what it was like to get stuck in that kind of loop and how hard it was to hear anyone who was outside it. Sometimes it was best to let it all burn out.
She put her hand on the sink, near Weiss’s, a silent offer for comfort if she choose it.
“We need… to promise each other something. We need to be honest with ourselves and each other.” If they wanted their relationship to survive, or even just their friendship.... “He hurt me. He hurt you. We’re not okay.”
They might have said that already but it was important to say it again. Elsa’s fingers curled, torn between needing physical contact and needing physical distance. The former was starting to win.
The words 'honest with ourselves' stuck in Weiss's mind and then rang around in it, drowning out the chaos that had started to take up residence there. And they weren't okay, they were definitely not okay. They weren't even fine.
She could agree with that. She could agree with all of it, but she didn't know if she liked where her mind was going. Weiss lifted up her hand, and then banged it down on top of the bathroom sink, being careful not to strike down anywhere near Elsa's. "I don't think I can do this. It's not your fault, but I don't think- I don't think I can do this."
Elsa winced, once, even though Weiss had been nowhere near her. She let out a breath, trying not to panic herself or otherwise give into her anxiety. “What… what can’t you do, Weiss?”
She felt something twist inside her gut as her mind went through a hundred possible scenarios.
"I don't know who I am, or what I want. I don't know what my path is. Every choice I've ever made that wasn't forced on me was you. And then he used you against me. Used me against you. He's twisted it all up." And there was the very real thought that Weiss had been chasing after Elsa so much because she liked her and it was a clear act of rebellion, no matter how small. Just one piece of controls he'd grabbed back for herself.
And how much of that was real, then? "I need some time to... find out what was real, and what wasn't."
Part of Elsa had expected that from Weiss. She folded her arms around herself, torn between... some kind of emotional appeal and knowing that might be unintentionally manipulative. She was afraid to even say she loved her.
"You're... not sure how much of us was real, and how much wasn't." Elsa sounded almost resigned, turning her head away from Weiss and also away from the mirror to hide her expression. "Can we still be friends?"
"I'm- I'm so sorry." Weiss's voice sounded like it was about to break, and the rest of her definitely felt that way. "But... yes. I mean... yes to both questions."
She glanced over at Elsa, and then winced a bit at her stance. The bathroom was starting to freeze over, and Weiss knew that it was at least fifty percent her fault this time. Weiss reached out and tried to coax Elsa to give her her hands. "I know one thing, and that's that I still care about you. I always did, and I know I still do. I just... I don't know if I felt for you what I felt because I really did, or because I wanted to desperately. We click in a way, we get each other, I don't- I don't want to lose that."
“I believe,” Elsa started to say, then shook her head and fell silent, taking deep, calming breaths before looking at Weiss again. It wasn’t Weiss’s fault. It wasn’t her own fault. As she’d said, it … just was. It was just a concurrence of unfortunate events and… maybe given more time they’d have broken up anyway. In some ways, they were a little too much alike. But keeping Weiss as a friend was important to Elsa.
She still loved her, in every way she could imagine right now, but there was also a shift in her chest that made her almost feel a sense of relief.
So Elsa started again, sniffling a little. “I believe that what we had was real, for what it was, and what it could have been. But I also believe that you’re right. And that… maybe it was something we’d both needed at the time.”
Letting Weiss take her hand, Elsa squeezed back, unable to stop herself from crying. It hurt, after all. She wasn’t going to pretend otherwise and Weiss deserved total honesty after everything that had happened to her. “I’m happy for what we had.” A blush crept across her face as she added. “All of it. We shared something that was precious. I don’t want to forget that.”
Elsa lifted her other hand, slowly brushing the back of it across Weiss’s cheek.“But you can’t get rid of me that easily, Weiss. I’ll be here for you, whenever you need it. As a friend.”
And the ice that had started to creep up the mirror and across the basin stopped, and began to recede.
"I'm not trying to get rid of you, I promise." Weiss replied. She had thought that she was too exhausted to cry, but a few tears still fell from her eyes, completely unchecked, as Elsa touched her cheek. The room felt warm again, and she was relieved. Elsa could still find the warmth she needed to make the ice recede, and Weiss was certain that though they were definitely not okay right now, they would be again.
"You're always going to be some part of my life, Elsa. I am so grateful we met. Even in spite of... all of this. I'm happy for what we had, too."
Swallowing, Elsa reached for Weiss, hesitating for just a brief moment before pulling her into her arms. Sometimes an act of true love wasn’t what one expected. Sometimes an act of true love was letting go.