Who: Blake and Harley What: Therapy When: Recent Where: Harley's practice Status: Complete
While it was good to see Colleen again, Blake’s anxiety and paranoia had skyrocketed. There was little doubt that Scientology had people keeping an eye on Colleen, ready to harass her when needed. Blake had to wonder if they were watching her, too. She’d been relatively off the radar, as far as she knew, and given she hadn’t made a public statement against the church of Scientology, she hoped that meant they weren’t stalking her.
But that didn’t stop her from being overly anxious about it. She’d given Harley her donut payment and sat down, tucking her legs under her. She fidgeted a bit and tried to keep herself calm. Blake was definitely looking over her shoulder more these days.
“I know this is going to sound weird, but you know everyone that works in this building, right?” Blake just wanted to be certain that if anyone new was working here, that Harley make sure they weren’t a Scientologist first.
Harley still had to occasionally fight the urge to find a more permanent solution to Blake’s Scientology problem, and her ex in particular. The part of her from her dreams who was happy to do a little murder on the side for a good cause. Still, she did keep track of a few people. Just in case.
But some things weren’t her fight and while she could offer backup and support, she felt Blake needed to be able to face these demons herself.
The question didn’t phase or surprise her at all. She smiled and leaned her chin on her hand. “Yep. I triple checked everyone after you started coming here.”
At least it was easier getting Blake talking than it used to be.
It was easier for Blake to talk these days. She’d gotten comfortable with Harley by now that she could relax and talk more freely. Sometimes it was still weird to her to open up, but she was still going to do her best to talk.
“Okay. Good.” She said with a nod. “I ran into a friend. From the church. She’s the one who helped me escape. She got out as well, but since she was Sea Org, she’s no doubt being watched by members of the church. So. My anxiety and paranoia about them following me is skyrocketing.”
“That’s good for her.” And for Blake too, despite the heightened anxiety she was facing. Sometimes one needed to confront the past and a friend from the same situation could be a relatively safe way to do so. “But there’s no guarantee they followed her, let alone you. And if they did… Well I’ve been keeping an eye out for them since you first walked through my door.”
“Actually there is. They don’t like when a Sea Org member leaves the church, so they have a tendency to go after them and either try to get them back or harass them incessantly. I know they’re here. That’s how they operate. I just don’t know yet if they’re watching me.” Blake knew how those assholes worked. She’d grown up in it. And that was the thing about Scientology, those who had never been a part of it really couldn’t understand what it was really like, or what they did. The books and documentaries she’d read and seen did give a good picture, but unless someone had lived in the church, they wouldn’t understand the full weight of it. Or really understand just what the church was capable of doing.
"Do you want me to do anything about that? Besides keep a watch out?" Harley would leave any final decisions to Blake, as making sure Blake had choice was an important part of her healing. Choice had been taken away from her for so long and in so many brutal ways that it made it more important than it already was.
But there was a glint in Harley's eyes, like there was a part of her who would relish in exacting revenge. The fellow survivor who'd come out the other side a little vicious. But she could, at least, acknowledge that that wasn’t healthy.
“No. Just keep an eye out. I don’t want to create any trouble if it can be avoided.” The last thing that Blake wanted was to call attention to herself from the church. They could be vicious and she wasn’t ready to handle anything like that. It would be a little while before she felt that she could stand and face the church. But she was getting there.
Blake was starting to find her feet. She wanted to stand on her own, to have her own place, and to be her own person. She needed to find her own identity, which she was working on. And maybe she could return the favor to Colleen and help her adjust to the real world.
“Too bad. I do like trouble.” Harley winked at her, then leaned back and crossed her legs. “So lets set that aside for the moment since there ain’t much we can do about that. Sometimes things aren’t in your control and that’s normal. Find what you can control and work on that.”
Harley liking trouble had been something that Blake had picked up on long ago. She nodded a little and took a breath. “I can control my friendships. And I know that Colleen is going to need help adjusting to how the world actually works. I’m still adjusting myself, but I know I have better grasp on it than she does. So I’ll do what I can to help her with that.”
“That’s a real good start. Helpin’ others is a good way to help yourself too. And you’re right, she’s going to need a friend who’s been through that, too. The world is hard enough to adjust to for anyone young, but throw in the way Scientology twists it around and it’s that much worse.”
“Yes, it is. I will do what I can for her. But it’s really nice to have someone else around who understands what Scientology is like. She grew up in it like I did. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing is ever easy.” Blake said.
“Nope! It ain’t. But that don’t mean we can’t do what we can to make it a little easier for ourselves and those we care about.” Sometimes sacrificed needed to be made. Having her wife half-way across the globe was one of them for Harley. She wouldn’t be alone by any means, but she’d still feel lonely. Not to the same scale as Blake, obviously, but Harley was always a firm believer in taking everyone’s feelings into account of their own life experiences.
“Yes, exactly. Of course that also requires us to be in a place where we can actually help others. There is a difference between wanting to help and being capable of helping.” Blake, until recent events with Ilia having been kidnapped and brainwashed, hadn’t been in a place where she could really help anyone. She’d had to focus on her own problems first, work through them enough where she could take a step back and be able to help others. Standing on her own two feet was intensely important to her, as was being independent and free to make her own choices.
Harley nodded enthusiastically. “It’s the mental version of puttin’ the air on yourself before the person sitting next to you in an airplane. Our minds are the same way; if you’re in a bad place, trying to help someone else might only end up with both of you worse off.”
Blake nodded. “Knowing what you’re capable of and what you aren’t is definitely key to everything.” It was more or less the building block for everything else. Knowing what you could and could not do helped in not overstretching one’s self.
“You know,” Harley pointed out. “Even a few months ago you might not have realized that.”
It was important to show progress when there was progress, especially when it might not be obvious to the patient that they had made that progress.
“It’s good to know that I’ve made some progress in that respect.” There were plenty of other areas that Blake had yet to make progress in, but she was working on the main areas of concern. She had to deal with her traumas before she could even begin to work on other areas.
“Baby steps,” Harley said. And sometimes two steps back for every step forward, but progress was progress and even a little bit could be incredibly heartening.