Ilia Amitola is color coded for your convenience (amitola) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-08-06 12:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, ilia amitola |
Who: Ilia Amitola
What: Fighting and scaring herself
When: 6 August 2018
Where: Around Orange County
Warnings: Violence. References to brainwashing, torture, killing
Status: Narrative | Complete
The arrival of the demons had been something of a mixed bag for Ilia. It was her first real jump into the madness that was Orange County. At least as a participant in fighting - though her first one involved her trying to punch a demon and Blake having to keep her from dying. But now she had her weapon and was ready to fight. Maybe too ready to fight. It was true that she always had anger issues that were simmering beneath the surface but she at least had been trying to ignore. To find other things to focus on, the good things that made waking up worth it and didn't lead to a spiral of What am I that had been plaguing her ever since she'd been taken. Because that led to feeling she was nothing more than a weapon or tool to be used thanks to the Albain brothers in Arkansas and the White Fang and then the Red Room.
She also had been trying quite purposefully to take the lethality out of her movements. The lethality she had noticed early on. No, she had more or less forced herself to re-learn how to walk and hold herself as she had before. Or at least that was the aim. It never fully took but it was better than moving just as she'd been trained and brainwashed into in that near month of captivity where it was once again adapt or die.
But then the demons came and Ilia had assured Blake and Logan that she was fine and had gone out to fight just as she knew they were. She wasn't helpless, far from it. But the more she fought, the more that lethality seemed to slip into her movements. And not only that? There were times where she was so caught up in the fight, the killing of demons and then the risen dead that she forgot what she was doing. As if she had gone into a trance and was simply reacting. Which probably wasn't a good thing. But she never let herself think about it. Worry about it. Because they just kept coming.
What Ilia hadn't anticipated though was the undead she saw before her. A body she had tried to ignore and forget about because it had been in Russia. Her 'initiation' and 'test'. Killing a person was a test to those fucked up assholes. And right before she stabbed the form before her, it was as if recognition hit her like lightening and she stumbled to a stop, eyes widening.
Around her were the bodies of those she had fought. And it wasn't like there were innocents. No. She had never harmed an innocent in this. But the person before her? Or well...the corpse? They'd been innocent. Just a pawn in a sick game that she'd been a player in because for whatever reason, they'd decided she'd be a good 'fit' for the program. The guilt, the worry, it was all crashing down on her. She didn't know what to do. Did she kill him again? Because now he was a threat. But he was only a threat because she had killed him to not be hurt and to pass a test.
Stumbling backwards, Ilia tripped over a corpse and grabbed her electric whip/sword and scrambled up as the body moved towards her. Well now it was self defense and she managed to use the whip to wrap around the body and electrocuted it until it stopped moving. But after that, she remained where she was, rooted in her place as she stared at her hands.
What am I?!
She knew that they needed to be fought and stopped. That they'd hurt civilians. But to have fallen so easily into the dance, to lose herself in it..... what did that make her?
Maybe she should reach out to that Bucky person she met while waiting for an appointment with Jemma after all. She'd mentioned he'd understand and while he wasn't a therapist it was at least something.