Armin Arlert wants to see the world (beyondthewalls) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2018-06-20 19:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | armin arlert, eren jaeger |
Who: Armin Arlert and Eren Jaegar
What: Armin’s finally coming clean about the full details of his last couple dreams
When: A few months ago.
Where: Their place
Rating/Warnings: Talk of dream death, man eating monsters, suicidal thoughts
Status: Complete when posted
Armin had known even before asking people’s opinion that he should tell Eren, that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t warn his boyfriend about what the dreams had in store for him. Then there was the fact that at some point Eren was bound to want to know why Armin wasn’t sleeping more than two or three hours a night. He was too scared of what else the dreams would throw at him to sleep more than that. He was keeping himself busy in the kitchen while he waited for Eren to get home from classes, glad that neither of them had work that night so he wouldn’t have to wait until 8 or 9 that night to finally come clean. He heard their animals running around behind him, nails running across the kitchen tiles and he turned his head to see what they were up to. “Pan - quit chasing your sisters. You might slip on the floor and get something on your new coat from Grandpa.” Or hurt himself if he hit a cabinet wrong.
***
Eren wasn’t sure exactly what was wrong. He knew Armin had almost died in his dream, but Eren had also saved him in it. He could understand him still being shaken by what almost happened, but Armin would have said that was what was wrong if that’s all it was, right? Eren opened the door to their apartment and sat down his bag as he heard his boyfriend fussing at Pan. He peeked into the kitchen to see Zelda with one of Pan’s toys in her mouth and shook his head. “Zelda, I don’t think that’s yours, baby girl.” He bent down to scratch the little black pug between her ears as she dropped the toy fish at his feet. He looked back up at Armin and gave his boyfriend a smile. “I think I found the guilty one… Do you need help?”
***
Armin watched as Zelda dropped the toy and shook his head fondly before looking over at Pan. “I'm sorry Pan. I should have guessed you had a reason. Maybe next time though you should take one of her toys so she can find out how it feels.” He glanced over at Eren. “If you wouldn't mind getting the chicken out of the fridge and the big skillet down...that’d be a big help.”
***
“He can take the floppy raccoon thing she loves so much. I think that would get her to think twice about stealing the fish.” Eren walked over to Armin and pressed a kiss to his shoulder before reaching into the cabinet for the skillet he was asking for. “This is the one you need?” he asked him as he sat it down on the stove. He turned to the fridge to get the chicken out. “Are you feeling any better than you were earlier today? You really had me worried. It’s not like you to skip classes.” He knew something really had to be bothering the blonde for his concentration to be that badly blown.
***
“You hear that Pan? You take her raccoon next time she takes your fish. We won’t fuss at you.” Armin said, smiling at their cat as he reclaimed his fish and walked out of the kitchen with it in his mouth. He wished that Eren had stayed still for just a minute longer with that kiss so he could have enjoyed it just a little bit more but he knew that wasn’t going to fix the problem he was having.
“That one. And I’m not really feeling all that much better. But hopefully when I tell you the rest I’ll start to?” He asked, a little note of hopefulness in his voice as he moved on to the next stage of dinner prep. Just trying to keep himself busy because that was the only thing he’d found that would keep the image of Eren being eaten from flashing in front of his eyes constantly.
***
Eren smiled as they watched Pan prance out of the room, fish in mouth. Zelda flopped down in the doorway with Flopsy following. “I’m glad that we got that taken care of. I wonder what started all of that off, anyway? Guess she wanted to play and he didn’t?”
He leaned against the counter after putting the chicken down for Armin, waiting for what Armin needed next. Usually they cooked together, but he could tell his boyfriend needed to focus on this right now, to take his mind off of… whatever it was that was bothering him. Still, he was happy to help however he could. “I hope that it does. Make you feel better.”
***
“Our girls have gotten pretty close I think.” Armin said, watching Zelda and Flopsy. “I have no clue. I was in here and they came tearing in. I didn’t even realize she had his toy. I guess I had a kind of tunnel vision.” He said softly.
He glanced at Eren as he washed his hands before getting down the cutting board to prep the chicken. “Just...promise you won’t get mad that I didn’t tell you sooner okay? I didn’t want to tell you because having it in my head was bad enough. But it wouldn’t go away. And I knew you’d dream about it yourself eventually and it might be better to warn you and…” he took a deep breath, trying to regain his self control. “I couldn’t save you. From the Titan. That you saved me from.” He said, voice coming out barely above a whisper.
“I tried but I wasn’t strong enough and it swallowed you. And all I was left with was your hand. Your arm.”
***
“I think so, too. Flopsy loves both of them. Still going to keep her in her hutch when we’re both not home to be safe, but they all really do get along. When no one’s stealing each other’s toys.” Eren laughed softly. “And it’s okay, I wouldn’t have seen it if she hadn’t dropped it right at my feet. I think she was trying to get him to chase her, maybe? She wanted to play, and he wanted his toy back.”
“I promise.” He said, nodding. He wasn’t sure what on earth Armin thought he’d be mad at him for. Neither of them had any control over what happened in these dreams. No one in the OC did, for that matter. They just… happened. Some with worse dream worlds than others. He reached out for Armin, running his fingers through his hair as he waited to hear whatever it was the other boy had been keeping bottled up.
Realization slowly dawned over Eren’s face as the blonde spoke. “That’s why you needed me to come home right then from work.” He whispered. “And why you kept touching my arm. ...Armin, you’ve been living with that dream alone this whole time?”
***
“Zelda should know by now that Pan only plays when he wants to play. Lazy boy. He’s at his happiest when laying lazily on the couch with us.” Armin said, trying to fix dinner while they talked.
Armin nodded his head at that question and then shook his head slowly before nodding again. “Kind of,” he whispered, shrugging as he blinked back tears. “I talked to some people on the network about it. Trying to...figure out if I should tell you. I knew I should but I kind of wanted to hear it from someone else. Does that make sense?”
***
Eren slowly moved, walking so he was directly behind Armin and wrapped his arms tightly around his middle. He pressed his face against his hair, swallowing. It was bad enough for him that he had to see what happened to his mom in his dreams, but he had Armin to talk to. Armin… had been trying to deal with losing him in the dreams without him. “It makes sense. I’m… not sure how I’d have reacted, honestly, in your shoes. If I was the one that lost you there.” he whispered.
***
Armin set the knife down carefully and leaned back against his boyfriend. “I...I don’t want to lose you. And seeing it...not being able to stop it...knowing it was my fault... I was scared how you’d react to it. Mikasa...Connie...they wouldn’t leave me there. Even though it put them at risk too. I was...I wanted them to leave me there with my broken blades.” He admitted, voice barely audible as the confession came spilling out of him.
***
Eren shook his head as Armin blamed himself for his death. “No. No, Armin. It wasn’t your fault. I could never blame you and please don’t blame yourself for it, either.” It sent a chill down Eren’s spine as he realized what the blonde’s words meant. He wanted to be left there to die. He squeezed him tighter and shook his head faster. “Armin, no. I. ...I saved you. I wanted you to live, I needed you to.” he whispered. He was going to have to thank Mikasa next time he talked to her, even if his sister wouldn’t have any clue just what she was being thanked for.
***
Armin didn’t realize he was crying until he felt Eren squeeze him tighter and he turned around to bury his face in his boyfriend’s shirt. “But...it would have been without you. I’m not strong enough for that…” He whispered.
***
Eren hugged Armin as tight as he could as Armin buried his face against him, tucking his chin over the top of the other boy’s head. “...I don’t think that I would have been either.” he whispered. “And I know we don’t have any control here over what happens in the dreams. I know that. But. I really don’t want you to do what you were thinking of before they pulled you away from that rooftop.”
****
“Then...don’t go getting eaten by any Titans.” Armin murmured, sniffling into Eren’s shirt.
***
Eren hugged Armin tighter. “No titans here to get eaten by.” he whispered. “And I promise not to ever leave you alone like that again.”